Finally had time to get through this. I don't remember any of the other
C&C on it that I did read, so I'll be correcting lots of stuff that
you've no doubt already fixed. :)

"DB Sommer" <sommer@3rdm.net> wrote:

A seeming eternity ago, when he was about six, Ryouga's father told him that

father had told him

during those times when it seemed the world made no sense regardless of how
diligently one tried to sort things out, it was best to ask the heavens for
answers.

DAD: But if you actually hear them answer, visit your local mental
health professional as soon as possible.

"From matters of the heart to the injustices of life, turn to the
skies and direct your questions there, and the answers will come to you, and
you'll be made to understand your place in things."

RYOGA: You're just telling me in that polite, indirect Japanese way that
I'm a peon, aren't you, Dad.

DAD: You're a peon?

RYOGA: No, not European! Japanese!

The cries startled Lin-Mei, the eight-year old girl who was helping lead
Ryouga, whom she had discovered in her grandfather's crops, up the trail.

Suggest:
who was helping lead Ryouga after discovering him in her grandfather's
crops

(The double-who construction, while not really incorrect, seems a bit
clumsy.)

She looked fearfully over her shoulder towards him, an action that had been
repeated before.

No, *now* is when she's repeating it, unless she did it more than twice
before now. Suggest: him, as she had done before. (Or something like
that. Try to eliminate passives.)

"<Yes. Quickly.>" There was a touch of hesitation in old man's voice. While

in the old man's

it was true Yun-Lo had no love of strangers --especially half-naked foreign
ones with bad taste in clothing who had appeared in a crater caused by an
explosion which had shaken the village last night--

Again, the triple modifiers in rapid suggestion is awkward. Suggest you
reword.

he still wondered if
even this belligerent youth deserved to meet what was probably going to be
his end at the area's new sovereign lord. The stories Yun-Lo had heard of
those that dared to defy the Master... well, if even one of them were true,
he would be showing fealty with a smile on his face from now until the end
of his days.

LIN: And if none of them are?

YUN: Then I'm giving him the finger from my deathbed. Hell, it's gonna
take me that long to *check* all those stories.

life was not unbearably bad. Aside from using the villagers as slave labor,
forcing them to build a huge fortress in the mountains nearby, and providing
a small amount of their crops to feed him and his handful of close lackeys,
the lord made little in the way of demands. He kept to himself, though there
were frequently strange lights and sounds coming from the mountain where the

Suggest: though strange lights and sounds frequently came from the
(simpler, more direct stricture. You may also want to use a more
descriptive verb than "come".)

Hasam tugged at the collar of his white shirt. The garment was far too small
to fit his six foot plus, three hundred pound well-muscled frame. It felt

six-plus foot,	(I think)

like a snake was constricting around his chest. He would have sworn his wife
had shrunk his clothing in the wash, save that he didn't have a girlfriend,
much less a spouse, to wash his clothing for him. The puss green

pus-green

SHAMPOO: Watch who you calling green! I *very* experienced!

"Why are you making us wear these ridiculous outfits again?" Hasam said
miserably to his superior,

Dangling comma.

The Colonel forced his eyes upon his subordinates and laughed, "My dear
Hasam, you are going incognito on this flight. The whole world is set
against our peoples, firmly convinced we are nothing more than a bunch of
terrorists."

Suggest: The whole industrialized world (or something to that effect).
This guy isn't likely to ascribe such an attitude to "third world"
countries, for example -- to say nothing of his peoples themselves, who
he would certainly see as part of the world. :-)

"But we are terrorists," Hasam pointed out.

"Freedom fighters for the homeland," both Fekish and the Colonel said as
one.

"Freedom fighters" implies that they don't consider their country free
at the moment, i.e. they're revolutionaries, not agents of their
country's government. Is this intended? The Colonel would have a much
harder keeping doubters like Hasam in line without the backing of a
government that the latter supports. Hasam may believe in the cause, but
if he thinks the leadership of this group is incompetent he's likely to
go look for another one.

"Roquat?"

MICHAEL PALIN: Roquefort? Sorry, sir. Never have that at the end of the
week.

"Several reasons. First, I want it back because I don't trust those buffoons
to not use it against our interests in some way, which was part of the sales
agreement. I'm just not waiting to give them a chance to stab us in the back
first. Second, we can't allow anyone know of our involvement in the
retrieval. It would be bad for business if potential buyers became aware of
our stealing our own product from the people we sold it to. That makes
direct involvement out of the question. Third, there is no need to expend
our resources in retrieving the object when the authorities will do it for
nothing? Finally, it's much easier to get it from the police than it would

Question mark there looks like a typo.

"But the Colonel told us not to." Fekish suddenly became uneasy. He shifted
his weight between one foot and to the other, almost like a metronome with
how rhythmically he swayed back and forth.

Good metaphoric description, but clumsily phrased. Suggest:

to the other, swaying back and forth almost as rhythmically as a
metronome .

(or)

to the other, swaying back and forth with an almost metronome-like
rhythm.

(or simply)

to the other, swaying back and forth like a metronome.

Hasam watched his partner enter the restroom. The feeling of being watched
grew exponentially. Had he been less loyal to a friend,

Suggest: Had he been less inclined towards loyalty to a friend,
(or something like that. Doesn't quite parse correctly as is.)

and didn't like

or had he not liked
(or)
or not liked
(match the tense, and it's an "or" because he'd have left if *either* of
the two conditions had been true.)

Fekish as much as he did, he probably would have left the airport outright.
The Colonel was lying. Oh, he might have been technically telling the truth,
but he was putting their lives on the line while he sat back and watched
events unfold. Hasam hated that. He preferred the idea that in his god's
eyes, all men were equal, rather than those that had money were important,
and those that had nothing were useful as cannon fodder. He was no different

>from the Colonel, at least not in the ways that mattered. There was no

reason their leader could not have been here instead of himself. It was
times like this he seriously questioned his faith, or at least those
religious leaders that supposedly knew what it meant to be faithful.

Hasam is a nicely developed and balanced character -- a rarity for
someone in this kind of role. Still, I wonder as to his motivations. He
has no bones about calling what he does "terrorism," and he doesn't seem
like the type to be doing it just because a religious leader said he
should. Perhaps he's had a friend or relative killed by what he sees as
a puppet regime, or maybe he just sees the West as out to destroy his
people and culture.

"So, Bjork, what does our golf bag carry in it?"

"We don't have a golf bag."

"I meant was there a bomb in there?" Hasam hissed.

"That's not what it sounded like."

I took this to mean that the case didn't sound like it had a bomb.
But...

"Think of it as code."

... then I don't get this response at all.

Hasam threatened to crush Fekish's windpipe with how hard he twisted the
shorter man's shirt in his meaty fist. "What was that about a bio-weapon?"

Suggest:
With such force that it threatened to crush Fekish's windpipe, Hasam
twisted the shorter man's shirt in his meaty fist.
(or)
Hasam twisted Fekish's shirt in his meaty fist with such force that
it.threatened to crush his windpipe.
(or something like that)

"Oh, that's easy. I dated a biochemist while we were here. She'd get a
little drink in her and then would go on and on about the different types of
bio-weapons her company had her make. I paid attention to what she said
because women like it when you take their jobs seriously, respect their
opinions, and listen to what they have to say. I read that in 'Cosmo'."

Suggest GQ, or some other men's magazine. Fekky may well have read
Cosmo, but being written for women, it's more likely to tell him what
women can do that men will like, not the reverse. Though anyone out
there who's actually read it is welcome to correct me on this. :)

"Is your name, Bjork?" the smaller man asked.

name Bjork?"
(as is, it's addressing him as Bjork and asking him "Is your name?")

The smaller man slapped his companion on the back. "See? I told you so.
Didn't I say he looks like a Bjork the instant he headed toward us?"

"Yes, you did," the big man sighed in a tired voice.

SMALL MAN: See, I *told* you that watching all those alternative-rock
videos would pay off!

BIG MAN: Well, I always say, if it ain't Bjork....

"Oh, that would be great. Maybe she would show us her titties if we asked
nicely."

"I bet she would. You know what they say: nothing ventured, nothing lost.

That's not quite what they say, but I presume this is Mint's mistake. :)

"I think that hot looking chick has got to be at least a," Ryo Saeba held

at least a...."
(Can't use a comma there without a "said" or similar verb that refers
directly to the line of dialog.)

She grabbed one ear on each of them, then brought the ears together rather
violently. Each man's respective head followed the path their ears had
taken. Their heads produced a similar thud. "Ow!" Both said as one,
enhancing the brothers' identical nature.

"Would you two idiots pay attention?!"

Ryo said, "Is this another one of your jealous rants because we found yet
another woman that's more attractive and feminine than you?"

At this point, I'm getting into a state of New Character Overload. :)
It might be better to do what you did with the previous two (who I
presume are Lime and Mint) -- let them start interacting with the others
right away, revealing all these little antics and character
relationships as you go.

"Get out of the line of fire!" She shouted, rounding the column and pointing

she shouted
(no caps; She's shouting the words "Get out..." so they're the same
sentence.)

Both men threw off their trenchcoats just as the circle of undercover
personnel closed in on them. All of the civilians who found themselves
between the two groups ran for cover in a mass panic. The only one that left
coolly was the woman who had been the focus of both the foreigners and the

Suggest: Only one left coolly, the woman who....

The smaller man wore a costume that was dull yellow, only broken up by blue
along his hands and upper arms, and on his boots. A large blue 'W' was in
the center of his chest. The only other odd feature were a tiny set of white

odd feature was a tiny set of white
(or)
odd features were white
(match plural vs. non-plural)

The law enforcement personnel drew back. Kaori kept her gun leveled at the
pair as she said, "Tell me these guys aren't super powered beings. We
seriously can't deal with SPB's."

SPBs."

In response to her question that was more of a plea, the larger man ripped
up a huge section of walkway that several of the police were standing on,

Suggest: walkway on which several of the police stood,
(matches the more formal tone of your narrative)

Mint turned on his comrade. "No! When we're in costume, we use our
super-villain names. I'm the Whizzer."

LIME: Not *now,* you aren't. I told you to go before we left home!

Kyo gave him an  'are you that stupid?' look. It was one that only children
really mastered, most adults forgetting how to do it as they got older.
"It's obvious. With your name, and the color of your yellow costume, you can

RYO: What color is his yellow costume?

KYO: Green! Obviously, he's trying to confuse us!

RYO: I think it's working.

Suggest: and your yellow costume,
(or)
and the yellow color of your costume,

only have one super power..."

"...That of super peeing," Ryo finished.

Erm. I think it would've worked better if you'd just implied it. :/  Not
that I'm one to claim the high moral ground when it comes to
crudeness.... ^_^;;;

MINT: I run so fast, I can pass right over water without sinking!

KYO: What did he say?

RYO: He said he can pass water.

Kyo looked at his brother's stunned form. "Curiously, I don't feel the
slightest bit of remorse at that." Not one to let a decent opportunity pass
by, Kyo kicked his brother once again in the side, intent on blaming the
super-villain later.

"Dog pile on the big guy!" Kaori shouted to the remaining personnel. She

[A whole bunch of cops start beating on Kyo]

KAORI: I meant the *other* big guy! Idiots!

RYO: Don't have a Kao.

High above, perched on the slanted rooftop of a tall building overlooking
several blocks, Hawkeye stared down at the city streets, perturbed. She had
been looking for some sign of criminal activity, but all she managed to
catch was a couple of purse snatchers and the start of a cold. They had been
hardly worth the effort of the glue arrow used on them, and she had no
anti-histamines to stop her sniffling. It was looking like she would have to

Don't think that's hyphenated, and those are for allergies, not colds.

"Right. Well, as nice as the request is, I'm afraid we can't allow
unauthorized personnel to ride in our vehicle without--" Kobayakawa found
her speech interrupted by her partner, Tsujimoto tapping on her shoulder.

partner, Tsujimoto, tapping

"Let him in," Tsujimoto whispered in Kobayakawa's ear. "Since we're dealing
with superpowered bad guys, we can use the help. We're authorized to let
people ride with us in emergency situations. Besides, he's wearing tights
and has a seriously hot ass. This might be our only chance to hit on a major
hunk."

"I'm not that superficial," Kobayakawa said.

Tsujimoto gave her a warning stare. "How long have we been partners?"

Kobayakawa considered that and sighed. "Fine, I am. But I'm more subtle
about it than you."

AAAARG! Yet another new character comedy duo. :/  It's not that this
stuff isn't funny; it's just a tad repetitive.

"Agreed."

To Hawkeye, Kobayakawa announced. "Hop in the back."

announced, "Hop
(or)
announced: "Hop

Hawkeye could feel herself blushing as she accepted the ride. She had caught
the 'hot ass' comment. A pity it had to come from a female. It was times
like these Ukyou hated impersonating a guy to help keep her identity secret.
At this rate, she would never get lucky enough to find a boyfriend. It was
too bad, too, since she had met a number of good-looking male officers
during the ensuing weeks of her new second career. However, she couldn't hit
on them for fear of them freaking out, and she certainly didn't trust any of
them enough to confide her secret identity. With the way her life was going,
she feared ever having a chance at finding a decent boyfriend.

Is she not after Ranma in this continuity for leaving her behind as a
child?

The hero known as Daredevil finished tying up the latest of his so-called
'Rogue's Gallery'. The self-proclaimed, 'Master of Disguises,' a name so

Gallery': The self-proclaimed 'Master
(colon since you have no verb in the next clause, and no comma since
self-proclaimed is an adjective modifying 'Master of...', as opposed to
another noun identifying him which would take the comma)

Daredevil pulled with far more force than was required on the chains.
"First, my name is Daredevil. Second, you made the mistake of using
aftershave, as well as the allowing the smell of gunpowder cling to your
habit. There isn't a nun around that would use Brute and shoot firearms."

"Obviously you never attended a Catholic school," the man muttered.

Heh.

"But son-"

"But, son-"

to waste hours explaining how things had to be. But this time it was worse,
undoubtedly due to the curse, being engaged to one of the Tendou girls
(which one was still up in the air), and living up to the high expectations
of him now that they were becoming a reality. But in the end, it didn't
matter. The boy had to tow the line. It was up to Genma to deal with the

toe the line.

Liked the Genma/Ranma scene. Nice to see a Genma who's not just a rat
bastard for no particular reason. Ranma's decision seemed right on
target, though it does make me wonder how you're gonna get him back in
the superhero suit after this....

As the words flashed across the screen, Kodachi's head shot up from its
lolling position. A smile spread across her face, one that was mistaken by
the speaker, who assumed she was pleased with his report on the current
public perception polls concerning the company.

Kodachi rose from her seat. "An urgent matter which I must personally attend
to has come to my attention. Finish up and adjourn the meeting."

This being Kodachi, maybe she'd do something sneakier to get out of the
meeting. A call to her own pager via modem, or even a fake bomb threat.

BOARD MEMBER: Another bomb threat. That makes six this week.

OTHER BOARD MEMBER: Darn those Russian spies.

Akane fretted nervously as she tried hard not to listen to what was going on
in Doctor Tofu's backroom, which was difficult since a glass had somehow
ended up in her hand and was now placed against the closed door. She wasn't
eavesdropping, not really. She was just looking out for her employer's
welfare, which was what attentive nurses did. Tofu had been acting strangely
ever since that bizarre incident where the addition to the office had been
completely destroyed by two super villains that had been apprehended by the
authorities a few weeks ago.

Suggest: ever since those two super villains had completely destroyed
the addition to the office before the authorities apprehended them.
(Avoid the passive, and cut down the number of nested who-which-that
modifiers.)

Luckily, the doctor was insured by Damage
Control Inc., who specialized in covering cases of destruction by
super-powered beings. There was still some question as to who was actually
at fault since the villains claimed they had only taken over everyone's
minds in the district and not destroyed any housing. Their declarations were
silly, though. Akane never had her mind taken over. She would have
remembered that sort of thing.

Seems to imply that someone *did* take over her mind and she's
forgotten, but I can't remember that happening.

years, well, Akane certainly couldn't see any problem with that. She had
even received the Mrs. Ono mark of approval in that respect, after giving
Akane some bizarre hip test that the old woman deemed a good method of
screening prospective bridal candidates. However, Mrs. Ono lacked the
patience to wait for Akane to get older, and was insistent Tofu marry soon.

Do we really need all this backstory? If Tofu's mom is going to be a
factor in some sort of Tofu, Akane, and Kasumi triangle, then IMO you
should show her being a factor. Just having Akane relate all this stuff
second-hand only makes me wonder why we need to be told all of it.

Why the different attitude from Akane on Tofu/Kasumi than she had in the
manga? True, she interacts with Tofu more in this, but if anything I'd
think that'd make it even more clear to her how he feels about Kasumi.

No, no, no! She had to stop thinking of him like that in relation to her.
Kasumi was his ideal match and Kasumi he would marry, or Nabiki, in a pinch.
Akane already had her own interests. It would take time, that was all. Time
for Dr. Tofu to figure out that the one he was looking for was right under
his nose the whole while. None were so blind as to the things right before
their eyes, or so the old saying went.

MOUSSE: What does that mean, Shampoo?

AKANE: It means that I'm not Shampoo. Now kindly disenglomp me before I
slug you.

Two words from the nearby television caught her attention and shook her of

shook her free of

her concerns. Akane had left it on for background noise while she filed the
doctor's patient files (which, thanks to his machine building and hiding in

machine-building

been working in the backroom for over a week and nothing bad had happened.
It was not as though his sanity was on a tightrope or anything, he was just
secretive and talked to himself. The clarion call to battle filled Akane's
ears like the roaring of one's heartbeat after an intense run. She wanted to
soar through the sky again and command the thunder to do her biding as she

bidding

AKANE: Thunder, I command you to hang around here and wait for an
appropriate moment!

One trend that I've noticed is that you tend to "define" your characters
before letting them interact with the rest of the story. By definition I
mean going through some thoughts and memories, or (for a group) showing
some of their "business as usual" interactions. While this has the
advantage that we already have a feel for the characters by the time
they join up with the main action, the downside is that before that
happens, we may be asked to absorb a lot of information before the story
gives us a compelling reason to care about it. For variety's sake if
nothing else, try just launching some of your characters into the
interactions right away, defining them by how they handle those
interactions if possible, inserting additional background as necessary
as you go.

On to the second half....


Gary Kleppe
http://www.akane.org/gary/comics.html

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