To save some space, I'll reply to both email in this one.
All C&C taken under account unless otherwise noted.
Donald Lee Granberry wrote:
"Uh...," the young man ["Bigsweated" is not a good term for prose. If you are
going to write, then go ahead and WRITE.] bigsweated, "you attacked me. And
you
Bigsweat, glomp, etc... are some words that aren't really in the english
language, but I developed a liking to using them ^^;;
"Trick me not, demon. I know you were sent to test me in
Saotome's absence. You will not leave until you are made to leave by
my bokken, the Blue Thunder has spoken!"
[Kuno is quite true to form here. Nicely done. Very nicely done!]
Heh, his tone and language I usually have trouble with, glad you thought
so.
It took him a full minute to say that... he's improving, Genkai
marveled. "I'm afraid, I didn't get the chance to prepare you for the
tournament as much as I would have liked."
"I'll be fine with what I got from you here. My control will be
a lot better when my," he faltered, not sure of himself, "chi
recovers."
[Schools of thought vary on this matter, but the word "chi" means blood in
Japanese. They use "ki" when they are speaking of the Chinese concept of
"chi."]
Hmm... I think I've used both interchangeably without noticing. I'll
see where I can change some of them to be more consistent with who is
saying it.
Ranma grimaced, knowing it to be true. Genkai had said, he would
realize many things about his weaknesses during this time. Already, he
could see several. He knew he could be a little careless sometimes, if
it meant he could get a hit in. By the third fight of the day, he
thought maybe taking a punch in the face to trip a guy up wasn't always
such a great plan. He found himself reluctant to divert much in his
usual hit and run tactics no matter how great the opening by the start
of the last battle. The result was a much longer fight, but one where
he did not get hurt as much.
Impatience, he thought ruefully, was another thing he must
overcome. While he was usually good at sticking to the game plan, his
bruised body said otherwise. [Tut, tut! The author is trying to have it both
ways. Either Ranma just thinks he is good at sticking to a plan and his body
attests otherwise, or he isn't any good at sticking to a plan and knows it.
The sentence needs to be re-worded one way or another.] When not falling
for fake openings, the
opponents' goading got to him the rest of the time. [My opinion only, but
goading is Ranma's favorite tactic and he seldom fall for it. I would call
it OOC, but this is your story.] It looked like he
Ranma's been goaded in fights quite a few times I think. Most notably,
Pantyhose can get to him simply noting his female half.
would need to retrain in the soul of ice. His soul of ice technique
had faltered in recent months as he got better at manipulating hot and
cold chi so he didn't need to run around in a circle ignoring
everything being thrown at him. [He is already able to do this in the latter
part of the manga series, but it is conceivable that you have not read that
far yet. Also, I am picking up on your story in mid-stream, so I don't know
when it is set.]
Meant that because he's developed it so much, he hadn't needed to rely
on getting opponents to follow his spiral and ignore everything around
him, since it now only lasts a second from the time the attacker comes
to when he raises his fist. Without the need for the spiral, the
patience he gained from it is less. Now he always looks for the 'one
shot kills' instead of biding his time. I will word it better.
On the whole, a very intriguing story and this despite the fact that I
seldom read crossovers or fusions.
Thanks for the entertainment, Mr. Cheng.
And thank you for the C&C.
Ookla The Mok wrote:
On Tuesday, January 8, 2002, at 10:34 PM, Donald Lee Granberry wrote:
[Problems in the following: "Two years." is a sentence fragment, rather
than
a complete sentence. I suggest something like "Two years, she thought to
herself." The next sentence should have "would renew," rather than just
"renew." It will or may happen in the future.]
That's really a stylistic choice rather than a problem. Fragments of
this sort are generally acceptable in fiction. But I agree with "would
renew."
Right, I tend to use a lot of fragments on purpose (at least that's my
excuse ^^;)
Donald mentioned a lot more errors in his C&C than I did in my private
email. A LOT more, even if a minor amount of them I wouldn't call
errors. I personally don't like to go through and try to catch every
error of every FFML post (like maybe Brian Randall is doing (hi
Brian!))--it would take forever. Instead, I like to point out glaring
errors one or two times and leave the rest up to the writer to fix. If
you have difficulty proofreading your own writing--sometimes it can be
much easier to catch the mistakes of others rather than your own--you
should think about having one or more of your prereaders do a detailed
proofreading. Or getting some prereaders if you have none.
As a writer, I think any C&C, a lot or even just a little, is
appreciated. I myself don't tend to do many drafts (read one) before I
submit. A habit I should probably change :P
Life and Times is one of the best megacrossover "Ranma Gets
Everyone--Absolutely Everyone" stories out there, and it's good to see
you're still working on it.
Peter
Thanks for the plug :P