on 1/9/02 7:09 PM, Christopher Angel at c_j_angel@hotmail.com wrote:
I have to feel a little bad writing this...also I'm having a disturbing
sensation of "who the hell am I to criticize" right now.
Nonetheless, I'm finind this part of CtCD disturbing in many ways, and
I'm not sure that there's really anything that can be done about this
without tossing this whole chapter and redoing it again.
I may well toss the LEMON, but the entire chapter? I don't think so.
First, I find it highly disturbing that Ranma's sexual 'iron will' that
has been made so much of in the previous chapters became a 'jello will'
in this chapter. Akane's statements to it being 'safe' notwithstanding,
Ranma has been built up as having a damn sight more control than that.
Ah, did you actually read what happened? There were four girls involved,
Christopher. And take note, this is not a "sex for money deal." This is sex
because I love you and you just made me very happy and I've been wanting to
jump your bones anyway.
Second, this whole bit with the girls' reactions to diamonds. No
offense, Don, but the general feminine reaction to small shiny objects
of the highly-ordered-carbon variety, while favorable, is _not_ "Oh
baby, take me" as it seems to be in this chapter. I can see the girls
being pleased with him. I can even take the kiss-fest that follows.
But what you've written seems excessive to me.
My experience suggests otherwise, especially if the girl in question happens
to be in love with you.
Third, the overall...well...'aura' (I know, wonderful technical writing
terms I use) of this chapter, as I've seen it thus far, seems to
be...well...'off'. It's not that it's badly written, its just that the
previous chapters are so rich in character development, plot
development, imagery, etc., while this chapter seems more to stike me as
being filler...so far all we've seen is Ranma boasting another new
trick, all the girls going ga-ga over it, and an (albeit well done) smut
scene. Is this _really_ necessary?
I did not write more than twenty-thousand words of finish copy to no
purpose, nor can I imagine why I would.
I have two suggestions here. One, I think you have focused on some things
and missed others. Two, there is more of this chapter to go and you haven't
seen it all yet.
Finally, I disagree with you about the LEMON section of this part. It STINKS
and I know it. I posted it hoping to get help with it as much as anything
else. My pre-readers, bless their hearts, did everything they could with it,
but I finally decided I needed a larger sample of opinions. I am getting
them too. I am also getting some useful stuff out of all this heat. I will
either re-write the LEMON, or pitch the son-of-a-bitch in the bit bucket
where it belongs. I haven't made up my mind on that issue yet. But the
essence of this chapter will remain as it is. You seem to have ignored
Ranma's reaction to it all.
This is coming off harsher than I'd like, but I can't help the way I
feel about this chapter, especially considering how much I _love_ the
rest of the story.
No hard feelings. I knew I was in for a beating before I ever shipped it. My
pre-readers beat me up over some of it. Life is hard, especially when you
try to do something creative.
Now, if you will excuse me. I'm going to go have a good cry and a long soak
in the tub.
Don.
--
Christopher Angel
.---Anime/Manga Fanfiction Mailing List----.
| Administrators - ffml-admins@anifics.com |
| Unsubscribing - ffml-request@anifics.com |
| Put 'unsubscribe' in the subject |
`---- http://ffml.anifics.com/faq.txt -----'
.---Anime/Manga Fanfiction Mailing List----.
| Administrators - ffml-admins@anifics.com |
| Unsubscribing - ffml-request@anifics.com |
| Put 'unsubscribe' in the subject |
`---- http://ffml.anifics.com/faq.txt -----'