Finally getting around to replying to this. Sorry for the delay, but I was
in a C+Cing mood for what little time I was actually home:

Finally had time to get through this. I don't remember any of the other
C&C on it that I did read, so I'll be correcting lots of stuff that
you've no doubt already fixed. :)

Don't be so sure. feedback was a bit lighter on this than previous chapters.

"DB Sommer" <sommer@3rdm.net> wrote:

A seeming eternity ago, when he was about six, Ryouga's father told him

that

father had told him

Heh. And we have problems right off the bat. ^_^

during those times when it seemed the world made no sense regardless of

how

diligently one tried to sort things out, it was best to ask the heavens

for

answers.

DAD: But if you actually hear them answer, visit your local mental
health professional as soon as possible.

Heh

"From matters of the heart to the injustices of life, turn to the
skies and direct your questions there, and the answers will come to you,

and

you'll be made to understand your place in things."

RYOGA: You're just telling me in that polite, indirect Japanese way that
I'm a peon, aren't you, Dad.

DAD: You're a peon?

RYOGA: No, not European! Japanese!

Wow! And we get with a pun early this time around. :)

The cries startled Lin-Mei, the eight-year old girl who was helping lead
Ryouga, whom she had discovered in her grandfather's crops, up the trail.

Suggest:
who was helping lead Ryouga after discovering him in her grandfather's
crops

(The double-who construction, while not really incorrect, seems a bit
clumsy.)

Okay

She looked fearfully over her shoulder towards him, an action that had

been

repeated before.

No, *now* is when she's repeating it, unless she did it more than twice
before now.

Actually that was what I was trying to say. He's been keeping both her and
her grandfather very nervous. I'll switch to 'earlier'


Suggest: him, as she had done before. (Or something like

that. Try to eliminate passives.)

"<Yes. Quickly.>" There was a touch of hesitation in old man's voice.

While

in the old man's

used most of your grammar comments, like here. So I won't comment on
anywhere near all of them.

it was true Yun-Lo had no love of strangers --especially half-naked

foreign

ones with bad taste in clothing who had appeared in a crater caused by an
explosion which had shaken the village last night--

Again, the triple modifiers in rapid suggestion is awkward. Suggest you
reword.

Will consider.

he still wondered if
even this belligerent youth deserved to meet what was probably going to

be

his end at the area's new sovereign lord. The stories Yun-Lo had heard of
those that dared to defy the Master... well, if even one of them were

true,

he would be showing fealty with a smile on his face from now until the

end

of his days.

LIN: And if none of them are?

YUN: Then I'm giving him the finger from my deathbed. Hell, it's gonna
take me that long to *check* all those stories.

Heh.

Hasam tugged at the collar of his white shirt. The garment was far too

small

to fit his six foot plus, three hundred pound well-muscled frame. It felt

six-plus foot, (I think)

Think you're right.

like a snake was constricting around his chest. He would have sworn his

wife

had shrunk his clothing in the wash, save that he didn't have a

girlfriend,

much less a spouse, to wash his clothing for him. The puss green

pus-green

SHAMPOO: Watch who you calling green! I *very* experienced!

Heh. Oops.

The Colonel forced his eyes upon his subordinates and laughed, "My dear
Hasam, you are going incognito on this flight. The whole world is set
against our peoples, firmly convinced we are nothing more than a bunch of
terrorists."

Suggest: The whole industrialized world (or something to that effect).
This guy isn't likely to ascribe such an attitude to "third world"
countries, for example -- to say nothing of his peoples themselves, who
he would certainly see as part of the world. :-)

Okay.

"But we are terrorists," Hasam pointed out.

"Freedom fighters for the homeland," both Fekish and the Colonel said as
one.

"Freedom fighters" implies that they don't consider their country free
at the moment, i.e. they're revolutionaries, not agents of their
country's government. Is this intended? The Colonel would have a much
harder keeping doubters like Hasam in line without the backing of a
government that the latter supports. Hasam may believe in the cause, but
if he thinks the leadership of this group is incompetent he's likely to
go look for another one.

True. Will consider rewording.

"Roquat?"

MICHAEL PALIN: Roquefort? Sorry, sir. Never have that at the end of the
week.

No. No Monty Python skits this time around.

Hasam watched his partner enter the restroom. The feeling of being

watched

grew exponentially. Had he been less loyal to a friend,

Suggest: Had he been less inclined towards loyalty to a friend,
(or something like that. Doesn't quite parse correctly as is.)

Sounded okay to me, but will reconsider. Perhaps 'he had held less loyalty
to his friends'

and those that had nothing were useful as cannon fodder. He was no

different

>from the Colonel, at least not in the ways that mattered. There was no

reason their leader could not have been here instead of himself. It was
times like this he seriously questioned his faith, or at least those
religious leaders that supposedly knew what it meant to be faithful.

Hasam is a nicely developed and balanced character -- a rarity for
someone in this kind of role.

Thanks.

Still, I wonder as to his motivations. He

has no bones about calling what he does "terrorism," and he doesn't seem
like the type to be doing it just because a religious leader said he
should. Perhaps he's had a friend or relative killed by what he sees as
a puppet regime, or maybe he just sees the West as out to destroy his
people and culture.

Actually the idea is he's wised up from what he was told growing up to what
the reality of the world around him is. Not sure how I can include that
without dragging things on a bit. I was trying to show that this is pretty
much the breaking point for him.

"So, Bjork, what does our golf bag carry in it?"

"We don't have a golf bag."

"I meant was there a bomb in there?" Hasam hissed.

"That's not what it sounded like."

I took this to mean that the case didn't sound like it had a bomb.
But...

Hmm. It is awkward. I'll try and reword it.

"Think of it as code."

... then I don't get this response at all.

Hopefully rewording will work better. It was way to vague the way I had it.

"Oh, that's easy. I dated a biochemist while we were here. She'd get a
little drink in her and then would go on and on about the different types

of

bio-weapons her company had her make. I paid attention to what she said
because women like it when you take their jobs seriously, respect their
opinions, and listen to what they have to say. I read that in 'Cosmo'."

Suggest GQ, or some other men's magazine. Fekky may well have read
Cosmo, but being written for women, it's more likely to tell him what
women can do that men will like, not the reverse. Though anyone out
there who's actually read it is welcome to correct me on this. :)

Nope. Was supposed to be Cosmo. He's not concerned with how men think women
want to be impressed. He wants to know how women think they want to be
impressed.  Articles such as 'Signs Your Man is Taking You Seriously' and
such are what Fekky was interested in. ^_^

The smaller man slapped his companion on the back. "See? I told you so.
Didn't I say he looks like a Bjork the instant he headed toward us?"

"Yes, you did," the big man sighed in a tired voice.

SMALL MAN: See, I *told* you that watching all those alternative-rock
videos would pay off!

BIG MAN: Well, I always say, if it ain't Bjork....

Heh. And yes, that is where I got the name. Not like there are a lot of
famous Icelanders out there.

"Oh, that would be great. Maybe she would show us her titties if we asked
nicely."

"I bet she would. You know what they say: nothing ventured, nothing lost.

That's not quite what they say, but I presume this is Mint's mistake. :)

Yep. Although when you think about it, the statement is correct, even if
he's not applying it correctly in this case. :)

Ryo said, "Is this another one of your jealous rants because we found yet
another woman that's more attractive and feminine than you?"

At this point, I'm getting into a state of New Character Overload. :)
It might be better to do what you did with the previous two (who I
presume are Lime and Mint) -- let them start interacting with the others
right away, revealing all these little antics and character
relationships as you go.

Ordinarily I would, but this is the set up chapter for some of them. Second
story arc is where some of these newcomers and cameos will come into play.
Next two will only intro two more members of the Lethal Legion, one of which
should already be guessed at and the other you being responsible for, or at
least his name.

Mint turned on his comrade. "No! When we're in costume, we use our
super-villain names. I'm the Whizzer."

LIME: Not *now,* you aren't. I told you to go before we left home!

Luckily, this is the only chapter were we will be subjected to these sorts
of jokes. :)

Kyo gave him an  'are you that stupid?' look. It was one that only

children

really mastered, most adults forgetting how to do it as they got older.
"It's obvious. With your name, and the color of your yellow costume, you

can

RYO: What color is his yellow costume?

KYO: Green! Obviously, he's trying to confuse us!

RYO: I think it's working.

Oops. Hate it when I do that.

only have one super power..."

"...That of super peeing," Ryo finished.

Erm. I think it would've worked better if you'd just implied it. :/  Not
that I'm one to claim the high moral ground when it comes to
crudeness.... ^_^;;;

Better I be blunt for some of the masses. They dont' get my sophisticated
sense of humor sometime. (Stop that laughing. My sense of humor is very
sophisticated.

MINT: I run so fast, I can pass right over water without sinking!

KYO: What did he say?

RYO: He said he can pass water.

Even I was not that evil. Though close.

"Dog pile on the big guy!" Kaori shouted to the remaining personnel. She

[A whole bunch of cops start beating on Kyo]

KAORI: I meant the *other* big guy! Idiots!

RYO: Don't have a Kao.

You're are in very rare form today, I see.

High above, perched on the slanted rooftop of a tall building overlooking
several blocks, Hawkeye stared down at the city streets, perturbed. She

had

been looking for some sign of criminal activity, but all she managed to
catch was a couple of purse snatchers and the start of a cold. They had

been

hardly worth the effort of the glue arrow used on them, and she had no
anti-histamines to stop her sniffling. It was looking like she would have

to

Don't think that's hyphenated, and those are for allergies, not colds.

Odd. Could have sworn I took those to clear up my sinuses when they get
stuffy from colds.

"I'm not that superficial," Kobayakawa said.

Tsujimoto gave her a warning stare. "How long have we been partners?"

Kobayakawa considered that and sighed. "Fine, I am. But I'm more subtle
about it than you."

AAAARG! Yet another new character comedy duo. :/  It's not that this
stuff isn't funny; it's just a tad repetitive.

The other reason to use more... anime characters in these roles is to keep
the anime flavor with things as well, rather than simply create a bunch of
originals. Shouldn't have to do it much longer, as I have enough now as
well.

too bad, too, since she had met a number of good-looking male officers
during the ensuing weeks of her new second career. However, she couldn't

hit

on them for fear of them freaking out, and she certainly didn't trust any

of

them enough to confide her secret identity. With the way her life was

going,

she feared ever having a chance at finding a decent boyfriend.

Is she not after Ranma in this continuity for leaving her behind as a
child?

Yep, but at the moment, tracking him down is coming in third behind super
heroeing and setting up her new life. But the one arrow she always carries
with her is the one with Ranma's name literally on it.

Daredevil pulled with far more force than was required on the chains.
"First, my name is Daredevil. Second, you made the mistake of using
aftershave, as well as the allowing the smell of gunpowder cling to your
habit. There isn't a nun around that would use Brute and shoot firearms."

"Obviously you never attended a Catholic school," the man muttered.

Heh.

Not easy to fit Catholic humor in anime fanfiction. :)

Liked the Genma/Ranma scene. Nice to see a Genma who's not just a rat
bastard for no particular reason. Ranma's decision seemed right on
target, though it does make me wonder how you're gonna get him back in
the superhero suit after this....

Oh, I think that will be taken care of by the end of this first arc.

Kodachi rose from her seat. "An urgent matter which I must personally

attend

to has come to my attention. Finish up and adjourn the meeting."

This being Kodachi, maybe she'd do something sneakier to get out of the
meeting. A call to her own pager via modem, or even a fake bomb threat.

BOARD MEMBER: Another bomb threat. That makes six this week.

OTHER BOARD MEMBER: Darn those Russian spies.

Heh. That would fit in with the early flavor of IM's series too. They always
harrassed him with the Titainium Man, some version of the Crimson Dynamo, or
the Black Widow every other month.

Luckily, the doctor was insured by Damage
Control Inc., who specialized in covering cases of destruction by
super-powered beings. There was still some question as to who was

actually

at fault since the villains claimed they had only taken over everyone's
minds in the district and not destroyed any housing. Their declarations

were

silly, though. Akane never had her mind taken over. She would have
remembered that sort of thing.

Seems to imply that someone *did* take over her mind and she's
forgotten, but I can't remember that happening.

It was, along with everyone else in Nerima. It was assumed, rather than
shown.

years, well, Akane certainly couldn't see any problem with that. She had
even received the Mrs. Ono mark of approval in that respect, after giving
Akane some bizarre hip test that the old woman deemed a good method of
screening prospective bridal candidates. However, Mrs. Ono lacked the
patience to wait for Akane to get older, and was insistent Tofu marry

soon.

Do we really need all this backstory? If Tofu's mom is going to be a
factor in some sort of Tofu, Akane, and Kasumi triangle, then IMO you
should show her being a factor. Just having Akane relate all this stuff
second-hand only makes me wonder why we need to be told all of it.

Tofu's mom comment was a recommendation which I agreed with, since we should
have some inkling of what she's been up to. Mostly it followed a similar
line to the episode and would have been redundent, sort of like retelling
the Golden Pair arc again. As to telling instead of showing it, I'm
approaching the one meg mark and the Avengers still haven't formed. This cha
pter was 130K long and the other two threaten to be the same. Basically
it'll be dragging things out longer than I want. So in this case summerizing
was necessary to move on to the action. Ordinarily I wouldn't want to do it,
but I think I have to here.

Why the different attitude from Akane on Tofu/Kasumi than she had in the
manga? True, she interacts with Tofu more in this, but if anything I'd
think that'd make it even more clear to her how he feels about Kasumi.

But Akane is a bit more desperate and her self-image is much lower than in
the real series. She has a handicap and loathes it, so now that she thinks
she's found someone that wouldn't care about that with her, she's more eager
to hold on to him. Though as you can tell in the follow up paragraphs, she's
starting to consider alternatives.

No, no, no! She had to stop thinking of him like that in relation to her.
Kasumi was his ideal match and Kasumi he would marry, or Nabiki, in a

pinch.

Akane already had her own interests. It would take time, that was all.

Time

for Dr. Tofu to figure out that the one he was looking for was right

under

his nose the whole while. None were so blind as to the things right

before

their eyes, or so the old saying went.

MOUSSE: What does that mean, Shampoo?

AKANE: It means that I'm not Shampoo. Now kindly disenglomp me before I
slug you.

Hehehe. I love that word, 'disenglomp.' Mind if I steal it sometime?

her concerns. Akane had left it on for background noise while she filed

the

doctor's patient files (which, thanks to his machine building and hiding

in

machine-building

Should that one be hypentaned?

been working in the backroom for over a week and nothing bad had

happened.

It was not as though his sanity was on a tightrope or anything, he was

just

secretive and talked to himself. The clarion call to battle filled

Akane's

ears like the roaring of one's heartbeat after an intense run. She wanted

to

soar through the sky again and command the thunder to do her biding as

she

bidding

AKANE: Thunder, I command you to hang around here and wait for an
appropriate moment!

Hehe. I hate doubling letter errors.

One trend that I've noticed is that you tend to "define" your characters
before letting them interact with the rest of the story. By definition I
mean going through some thoughts and memories, or (for a group) showing
some of their "business as usual" interactions. While this has the
advantage that we already have a feel for the characters by the time
they join up with the main action, the downside is that before that
happens, we may be asked to absorb a lot of information before the story
gives us a compelling reason to care about it. For variety's sake if
nothing else, try just launching some of your characters into the
interactions right away, defining them by how they handle those
interactions if possible, inserting additional background as necessary
as you go.

As I said, before, time is dragging things out. I have no intention of going
38 volumes before forming the Avengers, for instance. ^_^ . So I do rush
things here and there and do try to jam a lot of information in a small
amount of space, which tends to be bigger anyway. Poor Ryouga only has one
scene here since chapter 2. Shamp and Kunou only just popped up now.
Hopefully I can slow things down a bit once they form, but for now I am
moving quickly in those regards. Hopefully these bits will only be in tight
little packages ever few chapters, like this one, though.

On to the second half....

And I as well. Thanks for all the C+C so far. I've pretty much used it all.

D.B. Sommer

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