On Thu, 10 Jan 2002 20:37:25 +1300 "Richard E" <ranma_e@hotmail.com>
writes:

Hi all, this is a fic I've been thinking about for a while, and I 
finally
decided
to start getting it down on paper, so to speak.  I'm a little unsure 
about a
few places in this so far, so I'd appreciate any comments anyone 
has, good
or bad.  Whether you do or not, I hope you enjoy!

Well, here goes with some comments.


It's definitely a well written and interesting piece.  You've attracted
my attention enough that I'll definitely keep an eye out for the next
chapter.  Brian Randall seems to have already done a good job with
grammar errors and such, so I won't go into a line by line comentary.
Plus, my C&C muse is about as elusive as my writing muse at the moment.

Specific comments...

Soun's character seems a little inconsistent: he's trusting his daughter
to be protected by a person he hates and believes isn't capable of
protecting anyone.  I'd recommend either reworking that plot point to
make him wholly opposed to the whole issue, or at least make his
acceptance much more reluctant.

Other than that, all I can do is reiterate that I liked it.  Get to
working on that next chapter, and hopefully I'll have found my muses by
then and be able to provide some more helpful comments.


           Aaron Nowack
"Never let reality get in the way of a good hypothesis."
http://www.geocities.com/anowack/
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