"Richard E" <ranma_e@hotmail.com> writes:

                                T E N

I'll be very curious to see how the title ties into the fic. Though
I'm guilty of ambiguous titles myself. :)

The grammar and such was handled already, I just have a few notes.

forearm and for a moment wondered where a girl as young as Ranma would
find a tattoo artist willing to tattoo her.

What color is the dragon? How many toes does it have?

As well as the shirt, Ranma wore simple silk pants but no shoes.  Her feet,
like the rest of her body, were pale and delicate in appearance, while at
the same time issuing a feeling of sturdiness.

She's a hobbit!

"For nearly nine hundred years now, your family and mine have shared a
common enemy.  We don't know who they are, but they hunt us without mercy.
I don't know how, but they've found out about you.  I must take you from
this place before they find you."

Hmm 900 years ago, late Heian. Were they of imperial lineage? Part of
the warrior clans? Cultivators that stumbled into something bad in a
cave?

"Nothing I can do will ever bring her back," Ranma sighed, looking down at
the tatami mats on the ground. 

I don't believe they have tatami in the dojo. :)

Akane was stunned by the number of scars lacing her body, and was surprised
as well to see how many tattoos Ranma had across her body.  There were a
few swords, dragons, faces, kanji, and a few other symbols Akane did not
recognize.

I'm wondering if Ranma just has a mish-mash of tattoo styles, or if
they're all Japanese styled or what. Japanese tattooing usually has an
overall style/theme, while western styles are more patchy. I'd suggest
sketching out where you think Ranma's scars and tattoos should be so
you have a visual reference while writing. I also suggest trying to
find some examples that you like off the web to base your writing on.

"And this," Ranma continued, standing so her waist emerged from the water,
"is a mark I was given the last time I told the story of how I was first
given Garyoutensei."

Ranma pointed at her stomach, where a small, individual kanji was tattooed
above a large horizontal scar across her stomach.

"Ten?" Akane asked, looking at the kanji.  "Why that kanji?"

The kanji for ten looks like a cross. I wonder if that'll factor into
the story. ;) I don't rememer the other connotations of the kanji
either, I'm forgetting all of them after only a month of break.


Interesting story so far, but I'd beg for more hooks. I want to feel,
touch, taste the characters. I'd suggest using more descriptives, more
exploration into what the characters are wearing, how the tea
tastes...haul out your thesaurus man! :) 

Sorry...I ran short on time on this one, I enjoyed it, keep writing!

Colleen

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