On Sat, Jan 12, 2002 at 04:42:37PM -0800, Thryth wrote:
Mihoshi stared at the blank screen in a small
amount of confusion.
"Is something wrong, Mihoshi?" Kiyone asked.
"Ryo-Ohki isn't accepting calls," Mihoshi said.
Kiyone narrowed her eyes and looked over. "Didn't
Washu say there was no way to block this out?"
"Ryo-Ohki is a living being," Kiyone said. "So
maybe it changes the rules a little."
"Should we be worried?" Mihoshi asked.
"She probably just wants to be left alone,"
Kiyone said. "There's nothing we really need to tell
her anyway."
"If you think so," Mihoshi said, then
brightened. "Maybe she's doing something with Ranma?"
She smiled brightly. "You think?"
I assume the "she" here is Ryouko, but the last "she" that was
mentioned (apart from our two favorite Galaxy Policewomen) was
Ryo-ohki. Antecedants are a fun business.
"I don't know," Ranma said. "I kinda think
that Akane would be yellin' about how stupid I was
being all the time. Ya know, like on the show, 'don't
waste what I've given you, baka.'"
Like on the show? Fourth wall?
"Yeah, same here," Ryoko said. She paused a
moment. "I think that was part of it, too."
"That your Tenchi would want you to be happy?"
Ranma asked.
"Yes," Ryoko said. "And I didn't want to be a
zombie the rest of my life."
"I thought I was the zombie," Ranma said.
"Yeah, well," Ryoko said, tracing her hand
along the floor. "Takes one to know one. Maybe I
should tell Ryo-Ohki to let calls come in again."
"Wait a minute," Ranma said, looking around
nervously. "She was watching?"
He's on the bridge of a living spaceship and he doesn't expect sensor
systems?
Ayeka had been shocked at the initial
enthusiasm with which Sasami had approached what
sounded to be a rather painful and humiliating
experience someone else had been put through. There
were things she couldn't remember, but she was been
quite certain that Sasami would never wish pain on
someone. She was very, very glad when Sasami had
quickly revealed that her enthusiasm was because
everybody left was safe. That nobody had died this
time.
This sentence fragment sounds slightly off. What's the context? Is
Ayeka being glad that nobody had died? Is Sasami enthusiastic because
nobody had died? Both are possible, but you should say one or the other.
Ayeka couldn't truly remember the bounty
hunter, and Washu wasn't interested in educating Ayeka
on the missing chunks of her life yet. What she knew
about Nagi was acquired by pretending to know what
people were talking about and listening. So she
guessed that Nagi had something to do with Tenchi's
death, and everything else that had gone wrong. But
it was an intellectual knowledge that left her
unconnected to the person emotionally, and as a
result, unsatisfied with the woman's capture.
She would probably never be satisfied.
"Onechan?" Sasami asked. Ayeka blinked and
"Oneechan", isn't it?
looked at her sister.
"Hmmm," Ayeka said in response. "Oh, I do
apologize Sasami, my thoughts wandered. You were
saying?" She didn't have to feign interest in what
Sasami was saying very often, it was how she learned
about her past.
"Umm...Washu said you took a walk yesterday,"
Space after the ellipsis.
Sasami mentioned.
"Yes," Ayeka said, distastefully. Granted she
"Granted she" -> "Granted, she"
was recovering faster under Washu's care than she
would have expected otherwise, but she still did not
like to think of her rather pathetic physical state.
"I shambled about on a cane, like some decrepit old
woman."
"You're getting better though," Sasami said.
"It won't be long before you can be up and around."
Her tone was hopeful but strained, something was
worrying her.
Run-on sentence.
"but strained, something" -> "but strained. Something"
"Is there something wrong, Sasami?" Ayeka
asked. Sasami flinched and sighed.
"Mihoshi and Kiyone told us something," Sasami
said, hesitating. "That you might not like." She
This fragment should be connected to the previous sentence. Below are
two ways I might do this:
(A)
"Mihoshi and Kiyone told us something," Sasami said,
hesitating. "Something that you might not like." She
(B)
"Mihoshi and Kiyone told us something," Sasami
said hesitantly, "that you might not like." She
The paths of her thought brought her to things
she'd rather not consider. She did have clear
memories of both Ryoko and Tenchi. A large number of
clear, unfoggy memories considering her predicament
and the amount of time she had known Tenchi. She
did have a strong emotional tie to both of them. And
despite Washu's best efforts she did know they had
I know it's not always wrong to begin a sentence with "And", but it
looks wrong here. Try this:
"both of them and, despite Washu's best efforts, she"
"Yeah," Ranma said. "That's me. My name's
Ranma, you're Sasami?" Sasami nodded and then looked
up, questioningly, toward Ryoko.
Ranma's sentence is a run-on. Though he doesn't have the best of
grammar, in real speech I believe he would talk like this:
"My name's Ranma. You're Sasami?" or something similar. We do tend to
put some verbal pauses between our sentences...
"Your highness," the man said. "Your presence
is needed at the clean-up sight." Ryoko frowned at
"sight" -> "site"
"Not all countries are ruled by the warriors,"
Shampoo esplained back.
"esplained" -> "explained"
"That's right," Sasami said wearily.
Sasami knows Mandarin?
"Hey, lay off her," Ryoko said. "She's just a
kid, she works too hard as it is."
"kid, she" -> "kid. She"
"You probably noticed while trying to use your
powers," Washu said. "The Dark Jurai attacks produce
a feedback in someone using normally aspected Jurai
power. It's like a poison. Kamidake might have
survived his other injuries if it weren't for that, or
vice versa. He seemed to be recovering fine the first
week, but eventually the complications proved too
much."
Er, wasn't he walking around, or whatever his equivilent of that is,
just a bit above?
"asked, she" -> "asked. She" (with perhaps some emphasis on the "had")
"A favor I was asked to attend to, two
actually," Ayeka said. "First, Sasami wishes to
return to Earth. She hasn't said anything about it to
me, but she does. I think perhaps she would make a
good ambassador, don't you? If we ever reveal our
existence to your governments that is."
"governments that" -> "governments, that"
And is it really that inconspicuous? I remember some pretty flashy
battles in the early OVAs, and though you're using TV continuity, I
doubt that things were much different.
"There are more terrans here?" Ryoko said,
disbelievingly.
Last I checked, we're "Terrans", with a capital T.
"Yes, quite a few," Ayeka said. "They arrived
by chance today, and after they handle there business
there -> their
Wai! It's finished. <Jon does a happy dance>
Well, I still have to C&C the epilogue, but that's close enough to
finished.