Playing a little bit of catchup here...

Standard C&C Disclaimer of Doom:  All the below is my opinion only, and
is completely of the top of my head.  No guarantees are made as to the
grammatical accuracy or usefulness of any of it.

On Sat, 12 Jan 2002 23:55:32 -0800 Danna Sean
<carrotglace@mindspring.com> writes:

Geo-Dome

    Part 2

    Unfamiliar Ceiling

++++++++++++++++

    "Are you ready?" asked Misato as she stared at the screen.

    Both boys looked at the screen in front of them dumbly.

    "What do you mean 'fight it'?" asked Shinji dumbly.

    "Um, I have a problem with this," said squeal fearfully.

Squeal should be capitalized.

    "Evangelion! Final safety lock release!" said Misato as she
ignored them.

I'd probably use ordered or some such instead of said, but that's just a
style issue

    The Unit slumped down slightly as the final release was gone and
left them standing under their own power. Ritsuko's voice entered 
the
cockpit. "Just concentrate on walking for now."

    "How do we do that?" asked Squeal nervously as he eyed the still
silent Angel in front of them.

Ritsuko: Place one foot in front of the other...

    "Picture the concept of walking in your mind. The Eva will do 
the
rest," said Ritsuko firmly.

    The Eva stood silent for a moment unmoving. Finally it raised 
its
hand up to its face.

    "What's he doing?" muttered Misato in confusion.

    The Eva unit held its hand in front of its face as if it was
holding something. The other arm rose upward slowly and positioned 
its
other hand just above its eye level. It opened its mouth slightly 
and
moved it's top hand in small circular motions around the top of its
other hand. The Eva then appeared to take a deep breath and hold it.

    The angel's face turned sideways and it appeared to be slightly
confused by this action.

Poor Sachiel.  I feel sorry for him/it.

    "You idiots! That's not what you're supposed to be thinking
about!" snapped Misato as she realized that the Eva was acting as if
it was taking a hit off of a pipe.

    "Sorry," said Shinji sheepishly.

    Squeal just grinned. "That was awesome."

    The Eva lurched forward and paused as it took its first step. As
it slowly lumbered forward it made a growling noise and scratched 
its
crotch for a moment as it continued towards the Angel.

    "He's...um...walking," said Maya dumbly.

    The Eva moved up to the angel and gave it what appeared to be a
bleary eyed stare. Its posture was horrible and it slumped down and
looked at the thing dumbly. 

Pretty close repition of dumbly here.  Suggest changing one of them.

    After a few moments, the armor around the face shattered and the
beam slammed through the Eva's head. Unit one was thrown back into 
one
of the buildings, impaled by its head by the beam of light that shot
from the angel's claw.

Should probably be "impaled through its head"

    Shinji stood alone in the hallway, he was looking out the window
of the hospital and not saying anything. 

Run on sentence.  Split in two or eliminate "he was".

It was a beautiful day, 
birds
were singing, the grass was green. 

Another run on sentence.  Suggest: "It was a beautiful day.  The birds
were singing, and the grass was green."

Everything seemed serene.

    He cocked his head as he heard the rattling of a gurney being
pushed down the hall. With a small blink he watched as a young girl
was carted by. She stared at him for a moment and said nothing.

    Shinji grinned as she looked at him, she had short cut light 
blue
hair and a pale complexion. 

Another run on sentence.  Suggest: "...at him.  The girl had..."

She had a lot of bandages on her, 
covering
one of her eyes, and an arm. There were probably more hidden by the
sheets, but he couldn't see them. One word rang through the boy's
limited mind. "Babe."

    He started walking along beside her with a dumb looking grin on
his face as he followed after her. 

As he followed after her is redundant.

    "Well, their memory seems a bit muddled, but that's probably
normal," said Ritsuko with a disgusted snort.

    "I hope they get brain damage," grumbled Misato.

Heh.

    Shinji and Squeal sat in one of the waiting rooms of the 
Hospital.

Hospital shouldn't be capitalized.

    "We're gonna have to give Shinji some sheets for the couch. How
bit will our room be?" asked Squeal as he wiggled his eyebrow at 
her.

Bit should be big.

    AN: Squeal is not a SI character.

One would hope not...


           Aaron Nowack
"Never let reality get in the way of a good hypothesis."
http://www.geocities.com/anowack/


             .---Anime/Manga Fanfiction Mailing List----.
             | Administrators - ffml-admins@anifics.com |
             | Unsubscribing - ffml-request@anifics.com |
             |     Put 'unsubscribe' in the subject     |
             `---- http://ffml.anifics.com/faq.txt -----'