----- Original Message -----
From: "allyn yonge" <ayonge@yahoo.com>
To: <karaohki@SNET.Net>; <ffml@anifics.com>
Sent: Tuesday, January 22, 2002 7:42 PM
Subject: C&C [fanfic][Ranma]Travels, Training and Trials, chapter 9 -
revised and expanded

For what it's worth, this is one of the ten bet
stories on FFML, IMO.

I really should C&C more of your stuff, but all I can
ever think of to say is:Good job, fun read. More, and
faster. ^_^

I'd do more faster if I could!  Life is complicated.

I _did_  (after a few readings) manage to come up with
a few picayune complaints.





Genma grinned. "Starting your honeymoon early, are you
boy?" A low growl from Akane warned Ranma seconds
before she struck. Then his father was on his face
with a huge lump sprouting from the top of his head.
Akane hefted her mallet and gazed at her father and
sisters. "Does anybody else have any smart remarks to
make?"


@@IMO, the 'mallet' is an overused gag and I'd have
prefered seeing something else. Table, chair, ornate
statue, steam-radiator, soup tureen . . .something
other than 'mallet'.

Akane hasn't hit anyone in this story, so I figured that she could have
one little mallet bash.

@@@@@@@@
Akane noted that her hair was rather messy, so she
took off the barrette Ranma had given her and brushed
it.  Then she braided her hair and got out a bunch of
hairpins.  She had just started to pin it up when
Ranma knocked on the door.


@@This paragraph was a little on the rough side.
A bit of editing to get rid of the "so she took", "she
braided", "she had" etc that make it a little bumpy.

I've rewritten this particular paragraph so many times that I've begun to
hate it.  Whether or not I can find the heart to do it again is
questionable at this point

@@@@@@@@@

"I've got the perfect place." Akane opened her closet
door and pulled out the box of weights. Then she knelt
down, picked up her diary, and put the money inside.
Before she could replace the box Ranma did it for her.



@@Is the diary _under_ the box of weights? Or under
the weights inside the box? Or . . .? A little unclear
to me.

In an earlier chapter it's brought out that the book is beneath the box.
Will see what I can do.

@@@@@@

Akane felt Ranma's hand enclose hers, and give it a
little squeeze. "Akane isn't Miss Tendo anymore. She's
Mrs. Saotome."


@@Now here I'd argue that, since Akane is bringing the
most to the marriage Ranma would take _her_ family
name. (somewhat uncommon, but legal) There's an
interesting article on the 'Name Game" at
http://vikingphoenix.com/public/JapanIncorporated/jpwmdivorce.htm

I consider this too minor to even nitpick about.

And I'm rather sorry that Akane only bashed Genma that
one time. After the Neko-ken incident I was rather
hoping he'd get smacked around again. ^_^

She was too busy taking care of her husband to hit him.  Don't worry,
you'll see people get what they deserve...

Other that these few things (and I had to really work
to find them) it's a really nice read. Nice
haracterizations, smoothly flowing story line . .
.good story all 'round.

I thank you!

As far as another revision hitting FFML, I rather doubt it.  The next
version will go directly to my page and to RAAC.  I'll put a notice out
for whoever wants to read it.

Thanks again!

June


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