dragonjex@juno.com wrote:

As night approached, the young man look up in the
starry skies, and saw a shooting star. He
remembered back to Akane, and all the good times
he had with her. 

There's a problem there.  The way you have written
Akane, it is impossible that he had any good times
with her. Whereas in the actual series, after the 
wedding Akane and Ranma are on quite good terms, 
your Akane needs to be put down before she spreads 
rabies.  

Now, I'm not going to say that you don't have a right
to write Akane as a total bitch if you feel like it,
but it doesn't work with this setup.  There's no reason
for Ranma to give a damn about Akane kicking him out because
this Akane is totally unlovable.  So why doesn't he just heave
a sigh of relief that he's finally out of the relationship
with the "tombitch" as you keep calling her?  Why be upset at 
all? 

In order to make this set-up work, you have to start in full-blown
WAFF mode.  Sure, the wedding didn't work out, but Akane understands
and forgives Ranma for not being ready.  She's not ready either,
but the wedding near-miss has brought them closer together and 
made them more, not less affectionate with each.  Then as Akane
finds him with Shampoo, her explosion actually means something.
Ranma has a legitimate reason to feel that he's lost something
important so his desolation will be believable afterward.

It would probably also be more effective if Akane actually catches
Shampoo and Ranma while they are doing the deed.  That way Ranma
will have lost all hope.  After all, she's caught Shampoo in bed
with Ranma before and it didn't have results this extreme.


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