I must say that seeing this posted to the list was a welcome surprise! I 
thought this series was discontinued, but I'm happily mistaken.

I don't have a huge amount of comments, so here goes--

LATER: Guess I was wrong! I do have a huge amount of comments. ^_^;;;

On Thursday, January 24, 2002, at 03:26  AM, Arthur Hansen wrote:

Rei smiled with a knowing smirk, and answered directly back,
"This is Usagi Chibi. She's Usagi's daughter from the
future."

That would be Usagi *Chiba*, if she's taken her father's last name. If 
you do really mean to use "Chibi" it doesn't go on the end.

Io and Sun glanced at each other and then shrugged. Odd, but
not that strange.

Might want to rephrase that. Odd, but not unbelievable, perhaps? 
Otherwise it seems a bit contradictory.

Pluto frowned. Now why did that sound familiar? She snapped
back her thoughts back to the present. How could that have
happened? The Time Staff was not just a physical device. It
was a manifestation of the sub time lock,

sub-time

It's a neologism, but you should proably hyphenate it anyway.

supposedly nearly
unbreakable. She had only seen it broken once, when her
predecessor had been killed by the Council for altering the
past disastrously.

What Council? I thought the Moon Kingdom was pretty much a monarchy.

Or is this referring to the "Guardians of Time" it was mentioned in the 
last chapter that Pluto was "lapdog" to? (This never is explained well.)

It had taken the power of an entire
planet to destroy the staff. Repairing it had been a major
adventure in and of itself.

I'm confused. If destroying the staff was worth using the power of an 
entire planet, why did they repair it? If all they wanted to do was kill 
the previous Sailor Pluto, why did they need to destroy her staff?

She swallowed suddenly. Could her first thought have been
right? Was it possible that at some point in the future, she
died? Sailor Pluto knew she was as mortal as any other.

Why is it so surprising? I would have thought she'd know whether or not 
she would die.

"Um. That's kind of tough to say. Maybe she didn't want me
to know about my future. I, uh, do tend to travel back here
a lot. Tee hee."

I suggest getting rid of the "Tee hee" and just saying that she laughed, 
or something. Unless she really is saying "tee hee." Which is possible, 
as it's an affectation.

Sailor Mercury stared at her friend in consternation. How
could she make those leaps of intuition and then not realize
the importance of what she said? She turned back to Neo-
Sailor Moon just in time to see the girl materialize 'her'
Time Staff and start to spin it. "Wait! Stop!" Sailor
Mercury yelled out.

Sailors Sun and Io hadn't been following much of the
conversation up until this point, but they were still the
fastest Senshi around. They blurred into motion, following
Sailor Mercury's barely stated command. Sailor Sun started
to twist the staff out of her hand while Sailor Io tried to
put her in an arm-lock.

Their only motivation for doing this is Mercury yelling "Stop!"? It 
seems later like it was something more specific.

It sealed itself almost instantly.

 Icy terror gripped her heart. That shouldn't have happened!

Extra space at the beginning of that line.

Sailor Pluto drew herself up, back rigid. She opened her
mouth, when a hand was laid on her opposite shoulder. "We
just don't have the time to deal with what happened. We have
to save the princess. And we're down two already." Sailor
Mars held a warm continence, trying to soothe the obviously
troubled older woman.

"continence" usually means sexual restraint or bowel restraint. I'm 
really not sure what you mean by it here. Whatever it is, it also might 
be her voice that is holding it rather than Mars herself.

"You are correct. Thank you for reminding me of my duty."
Sailor Pluto's stiff facade was up in place, hiding her
inner terror that she felt.

hiding the inner terror that she felt.

Only leave it "her" if the "that she felt" is deleted.

Sailor Mars held her gaze for a moment. Finally she turned
away. "We'll need someplace to stay while we plan our
counter attack. I suggest that we take over Jadeite's
fortress. "

counterattack

Heads nodded in unison. "That's a good idea. We need to
regroup and rest for a while."

You might want to say which Senshi it was that said this. It's not 
important who, but the way it is makes it look like they all said this 
in unison in addition to nodding in unison, which is a bit farfetched.

And with that the Senshi started to walk towards the sight
of one of their greatest victories.

site

A shadow watched an area of Tokyo that looked like a war
zone. Cars were overturned, fires burned in the background
and people were starting to filter back to fight the
devastation.

background, and

Sirens arose in the distance, fire trucks
weaving through traffic. Police hustled people away from the
danger while trying to check for possible problems and
stragglers.

You might want to use a more specific word for one of the two "people"s 
in this paragraph.

Konatsu frowned under his mask. He leapt to the roof of one
of the more intact buildings. His feminine form garbed in
the blackness that blended into the smoky air. A heritage
modified by his upbringing by his 'family'.

You've got two fragments in a row here. How about--

His feminine form was garbed in the blackness that blended into the 
smoky air, a heritage modified by his upbringing in his 'family.'

Actually I'm not exactly sure what the second part means. What's the 
heritage? Being a ninja, being feminine, or being garbed in blackness?

It had been mere happenstance that he had run into Ranma and
Akane before this fight broke out. What he had seen then had
been... different.

extra space after the ellipsis.

It was time to go and report back to
Nabiki and Ukyo. She would be horribly upset that he had
left her behind to go 'sneaking'.

Suggest "His mistress" rather than "She." Since you just mentioned two 
female names, having a "She" beginning the next sentence is awkward.

Soon he was bouncing from roof to roof, eating the distance
back to Nerima at an incredible speed. Panting from
exhaustion, he dragged himself that last bit into the Uchan.

Probably "eating up the distance." Also, "the Ucchan."

Also, Konatsu doesn't strike me as the type to push himself to 
exhaustion in such a situation. He is a "genius kunoichi" after all who 
gives no thought to casually using probably energy-draining jutsus such 
as body-multiplication...it would probably take a *really* hard run to 
wear him out.

Ukyo turned at the ringing that heralded another customer.
Surprise showed across her face at the weary figure who
staggered into the room. "Ukyo... I think... you had
better... call Nabiki," Konatsu huffed and puffed daintily
in between words.

I like the dainty puffing though. ^_^

Ellipses shouldn't have a space after them like that.

"Uh, sure. What's up?" Ukyo glared at him in sudden
suspicion. Even from that far, she could smell smoke
clinging to the mussed up ninja.

mussed-up

"I think I know what Ranma and Akane are up too. I really
don't want to tell it twice," Or even once, Konatsu amended
silently.

twice." Or

"You jerk! You snuck off and went behind my back to spy on
my Ranma honey!" Ukyo's arm moved automatically, sweeping
out her combat spatula and pan-caking the startled cross
dressing ninja upside down and to the wall, hands warding
off evil and punishment.

pancaking, cross-dressing, upside-down, Ranma-honey (probably)

Though you may just want to use "Ranchan"..."Ranma-honey" is an English 
dub-ism. Not that that's a problem. Depends what you're doing for 
consistency's sake.

One of her patrons had slipped just out of the way, nodding
her head appreciatively. She snapped out a card that read
'8.5'. "Not bad."

'8.5.'

Period and comma punctuation marks always go inside the quotes. 
Exclamation points and question marks may go outside or inside, 
depending on the situation.

Ukyo was prepared to deliver a sound beating, when she
realized that Konatsu was out like a light. She silently
managed to get a grip on her temper, chanting under her
breath, "I am not that gorilla that beats up Ranma. I'm not,
I'm not, I'm not. I'm the cute fiancee."

Ukyo seems a bit over the edge in this scene. ^_^;; I assume you're 
going to get back to Ukyo and Nabiki in the epilogue?

Nabiki arched her eyebrow at the new art hanging on the wall
of the Uchan.

Ucchan (just check all of these)

"Well, well. Let me guess. He snuck off
without you?" She glided over to a corner seat near the
unconscious ninja.

"Yes, he did! I don't know what he was thinking!"

After the scene break, you haven't yet mentioned Ukyo's name. I assume 
she's the one who said this, but it would help to name her specifically.

Nabiki blinked in surprise. She was sure that she'd only
taken her eyes off of Konatsu for just a second. How had he
managed to switch to a women's kimono and wrap?

I know what a kimono is, but what's a wrap? You can wear both at the 
same time?

She shrugged it off. "Ok, Konatsu. Why didn't you take Ukyo
with you? That was the plan."

OK or Okay

Ukyo stared flatly at Konatsu. "I'm not that bad."

I'm a bit surprised Ukyo hasn't said anything before this.

"So? He's got a good sense for danger. Ranma's kind of got
to, you know." Nabiki smirked. Ranma was always getting into
so many fights, it was a survival trait.

Isn't a danger sense always a survival trait?

Konatsu tried to say something. He snapped his mouth shut
and then finally spoke up, "Ranma is usually not so...
prepared." He shrugged and put his small hands on his lap.

You might want to say "not usually" rather than "usually not."

Ukyo frowned. "You're right. Ranma isn't usually that hyper-
sensitive."

And here you might want to say "usually isn't" ^_^

I'm finding it a bit difficult to describe *why*, though...

Konatsu ducked her head in embarrassment. "I sometimes use
my skills to 'follow' the local martial artists around when
they're in public. It's amazingly good training." His
girlish smile hardened slightly. "I will figure out a way to
shadow Happosai or Cologne some time."

sometime

He shook his head to
clear it of distractions.

Maybe just "he shook his head." The motivation might be guessable.

"Like I said, I follow different
people around. Akane and Kodachi are fairly easy. Kuno is
truly oblivious. Miss Ukyo is fairly aware of her
surroundings, but is not up to the skill of Ranma and Ryoga.
I still get caught sometimes by Mr. Saotome. He thinks it is
good training!"

I'm not sure Ryoga would have that good of a danger sense. He's always 
getting his head stepped on, after all. Also, following Ryoga (in 
fanfiction, at least) is usually hazardous more because you're likely to 
end up anywhere in Japan.

"Genma? Heck, even Ukyo blindsided him one time," Nabiki
said blithely.

Ukyo shared her disapproval of Nabiki with a look.

Konatsu coughed politely. "Please?

hahaha

I was fairly adept at
shadowing Ranma a week ago. It really wasn't a challenge any
more." His face scrunched into a cute girlish pout. "Today
was a far different story for both Ranma and Akane. They
didn't let it show very much, but they were almost always
aware of what is going around them.

what was going on around them.

As if they expected an
attack at any moment. I was almost spotted a half dozen
times in a half an hour. Two of those times were almost by
Akane!"

A little awkward. Might want to say "Two of those times it was Akane who 
almost saw me!"

"You're not going to believe me." Konatsu wilted under the
two girls gaze.

girls' gaze. (I guess you can say that, if the two of them are sharing a 
gaze. Otherwise, "gazes.")

"Um, would you believe they're both magical girls fighting
to defend our world against monsters?" Konatsu said
tentatively.

Heh heh heh heh

Nabiki sighed and massaged her forehead. Here she thought
Konatsu was one of the more level headed people that Ranma
dragged into their lives.Weird, but sane.

level-headed

lives. Weird

Nabiki watched the set for a few minutes as they played the
top story of the hour.

suggest "as it played"...otherwise, the "they" almost seems to refer to 
the customers who walked in.

Her frown grew longer she watched it.

missing words?

Her frown grew the longer she watched it.

Or rephrase some other way...

Her frown grew deeper as she watched it.

? (I don't think frowns can grow long.)

Pictures of the destroyed area were displayed.

Might want to de-passify this, with something like "Cameras panned 
across the destroyed area."

Amazingly
enough, no one had more than minor injuries. Nabiki
catalogued the different types of destruction that was being
blamed on 'rioting' and some sort of explosion.

that were being blamed

"Oh! Yes! There were all of them, Inner and Outer Senshi,
except Sailor Moon and Little Sailor Moon!" Konatsu said
excitedly. "And of course Ranma and Akane were two new ones
that I didn't recognize! And another new one who was very
similar to Sailor Moon, except her hair was pink!"

Is Neo-Sailor Moon's uniform that different from Chibi-Moon's? I'd think 
the hair and the uniform would be enough to clue in a dedicated fan like 
Konatsu that they were somehow related.

Nabiki blink-blinked. "Um. You know all that?" Nabiki didn't
even know that many.

Not even Nabiki knew that many.

Also, you may want to avoid verbs like "blink-blinked," though I can see 
they have their uses.

"Well, not obviously all, but I am a member of the Sailor
Senshi Official Fan Club!

? He does know all that. But not everything about them. Is that what you 
mean?

Member number eight thousand and
thirty-two! Tee hee!" Konatsu said girlishly as she flashed
a 'V' for victory hand sign. He covered his mouth politely
to cover up his outburst.

Instead of "Tee hee!" I suggest:

thirty-two!" Konatsu tittered girlishly as he flashed

(note "he")

Nabiki let her displeasure show. "We might not be able to
discount what Konatsu just said." She gestured at the TV,
letting Ukyo watch if for a second. "Ranma's destructive,
but not quite that bad."

This confused me a bit until I realized she was referring to the 
monsters that Konatsu said Ranma was fighting.

Ukyo nodded slowly, as her world became less certain. "So
where does that leave us?"

comma not needed.

"I wonder if I can get their autographs? It going to be such
fun to have friends that are actually some of the Pretty
Suited Sailors that fights for Love and Justice!" Konatsu
sighed dreamily.

that fight for Love

Should it be "Pretty Sailor-Suited Soldiers"? If you keep it this way it 
should at least say "Pretty-Suited Sailors."

The two girls exchanged looks of consternation as sweat
drops appeared on their brow.

I'd be worried too. ^_^;;

The air rippled and churned, distorting and bending the
center of a circular room filled with incredible technology
and arcane artifacts.

The imagery is a little off. It's not easy to visualize the center of a 
circular room bending. How about:

distorting and bending space in the center of

"Ranma, watch your hands!" Sailor Io decided that she had
had enough of this and snapped a kick at Sailor Sun's
stomach, launching her into the air while knocking the air
out of her. It was a moments work to free herself then.

moment's work

Heh heh

Io shrank back a bit. "Um? No."

I suggest "Umm...no?"

"Do you realize the potential for disaster that bringing you
into the future could cause?" Neo-Sailor Moon started to
breath deeply and counted to herself to twenty-five, in
Latin and backwards. Calm. Calm was good.

breathe deeply

Chibi-Usa can count in Latin?

I'm surprised they would teach Latin in Crystal Tokyo except for 
Linguistics nuts. Especially after the Great Ice. Maybe some other 
language?

Sun was about to reply when a door opened, admitting an
older women in a flimsy gown, wings moving automatically to
pass through the door.

older woman in a flimsy gown whose wings moved automatically to pass 
cleanly through the door.

If you don't have the "whose," the wings belong to the most recent 
agent, the door.

"Usa! I thought you said they
wouldn't be able to lock on to this location? We've got
visitors are on their way!"

onto, visitors that are on (or) visitors on

"I wouldn't have, if these hitchhikers hadn't tagged along,
Ami." Sailor Moon, because that was what she truly was, at
this now, thought fast and furiously. She reached out to a
keypad that appeared in the air, typing a bunch of commands.
Items disappeared in a dizzying manner. Soon they were the
only things in the large cavernous room.

Mercury's not the only one with a subspace computer now?

And not a moment too soon! With a suddenness that was
shocking four figures appeared, spider-like and very
familiar. Large figures, spider-humanoid but with eight
limbs, encased in darkly opalescent chitin.

Might want to connect up this fragment with a dash:

very familiar--large figures, spider-humanoid

But it's a stylistic choice.

Sailors Sun and Io shifted to a ready stance. They had had
the rest of the Senshi backing them up last time with just
one! How where they going to defeat four of them?

How were they

Also, I suggest "They'd had" to avoid the awkwardness of two overt 
"had"s in a row.

"Mercury, Sun, Io, hold them off for a minute!" Sailor Moon
shouted snatching the Time Staff off of the ground.

"off of" usually isn't right. Is she snatching it "from" the ground or 
"up off" the ground?

Sailor Sun gritted her teeth. There had to be something more
they could do! Io just grinned feraly.

ferally

Also, might want to put the last sentence in its own paragraph, since it 
follows a thought by Sun.

Eternal Mercury raised her hand, blasting at the creatures
with some sort of spiraling bubble attack. Io and Sun were
shocked when one of the creatures was almost destroyed by
the single attack. This was Ami?

Go Ami!

Sun leaped into the air, blasting at the lead creature. It
weaved and ducked most of the attack, it's form blurring. It

its form blurring

appeared behind Sailor Sun, smashing her to the ground.
Sailor Io flipped over the one that tried to emulate its
mate, pummeling it across the back.

probably, "over another one that tried to emulate its companion"

It staggered but then
flickered again. Io had just a moment to roll with the
stunning attack, bouncing off of the wall and shattering
shelves as she made a large impression in it.

off the wall

Eternal Mercury was doing her best, but one of the creatures
was heading towards the pink haired Sailor Moon. That

pink-haired

You should probably say "but then she noticed one of the creatures 
heading towards"

distraction was enough, as she was struck into the air
herself. She slid to the ground unconscious after leaving a
sizable dent in the metal sheathed wall, blood seeping out
of her mouth.

metal-sheathed

Also, might want to say something like "That distraction was enough 
opening for one of the creatures to smash her into the air herself."

"Oh, crud!" Sailor Sun thought as fast and furiously as she
ever had before. Inspiration struck suddenly.

Ranma *might* use a phrase with a bit more impact than "oh, crud." 
(She's not from Utah, after all. ^_^)

You can avoid this by having her say something more substantive like 
"Ami!"

"Light Speed
Transport revised! Light Speed Attack Flurry!" she cried
out, her power glowing around her. The fight seemed to slow,
motions became muted as if everyone had become statues. All
of the light shifted red in her eyes, dimming the room.

NICE. Except it wouldn't work that way. ^_^ It would shift blue in 
whatever direction she was going, and red behind her. So she'd get a 
color tunnel-vision effect, blue centered on her vector of travel.

Sailor Sun frowned and leaped onto the back of one the
creatures, smashing it with hundreds of blows as her

back of one of the creatures

movements shifted the light around her upwards into the blue-
white frequencies.

I can see you've got the right idea but it's a little off.

If she starts moving at a large fraction of c, she'll experience the 
red-blue shift as I described. But only if she's moving! If she's 
standing still, there will be no change. Right after she yells out the 
attack phrase she seems to be still standing still, but experiences the 
redshift already. This won't work. If you move at lightspeed you 
effectively stop time, but you can't move at lightspeed and stand in one 
place. She'd have to start the attack immediately and keep herself 
moving throughout. Just her hands moving probably wouldn't be enough to 
do it. That's fine though, she could run in circles around them.

Also, I don't see why her movements would shift the light around her 
like that. It's not like light is air that is disturbed by your 
movements. Or maybe it is if you're moving that fast? That's highly 
theoretical though, and the air itself would more likely move than the 
light. Running into air at that speed would be like running into a brick 
wall, so you may want to do something to explain that away.

Sailor Io blinked in surprise as three of the monsters just
shredded in mid air. The room filled with a blinding

mid-air

radiance for just a moment, obscuring the last one and then

last one, and then

Sailor Sun appeared in front of her. She was hurt and
bleeding from numerous wounds, her skin pale and haggard.
She appeared as if she hadn't eaten in days, her skin
hanging from her bony body.

...that seems a bit too intense. She shouldn't have lived subjective 
days during that time...otherwise she would have actually experienced 
fighting for days. Or do you mean that channeling all that power caused 
this effect?

"Hmm. Guess I don't have to do what I was planning. That was
impressive." Seeing as the threat was destroyed, Sailor Moon
reverted to her normal garb of sensible slacks and nice
pastel blue blouse.

I see her taste in clothes has improved. ^_^

"What! Ranma could be dying! Why can't she come and help!"

Might want a question mark.

Their first sign of any problem was when Sailor Pluto
reverted back to her merely mortal self. Setsuna blinked in
surprise. "W-what?" She stopped on the hike to Jadeite's
fortress suddenly, looking at her hands in confusion as she
expected to see her gloves.

The phrasing seems a little convoluted. How about:

Their first sign of any problem on the hike to Jadeite's fortress was 
when Sailor Pluto reverted back to her merely mortal self. Setsuna 
blinked in surprise. "W-what?" She stopped suddenly, looking at her 
hands in confusion as if she expected to see her gloves.

Sailor Mars looked back in annoyance. Everyone's attention
was riveted on Setsuna, as she stood still in her woman's
business suit.

Do you need the "woman's" there?

Mercury frowned. A tap of her finger on her brow brought up
the scanner, its blue field shimmered into existence over
her eyes.

comma splice. I'd suggest rephrasing something like this:

A tap of her finger on her brow brought up the scanner, its blue shield 
shimmering into existence over her eyes.

(or) She tapped a finger to her brow, bringing up the scanner, its blue 
shield shimmering...

She glanced quickly at the oldest Senshi. A quick
scan of the area revealed the problem almost at once. "This
isn't like last time we were here. We are very drained from
that fight with the... thing. I wouldn't be surprised if
Mars, Venus or Jupiter reverts pretty soon." As if her words
were a cue, Jupiter reverted to plain old Makato.

"Eeep! This isn't so good. Didn't you guys clean up a whole
bunch of youma last time you were here?" Makato said
nervously, glancing around.

Makoto, both places, not Makato.

"Yes. Those should have been the last ones. Let's be on our
guard anyways. Just to be on the safe side." Sailor Mars
tried to put her best face forward.

This sounds like a bit of a Minako-ism. ^_^ I don't think this is an 
acceptable mixing of the "best foot forward" metaphor.

She didn't relish the idea of taking on even one youma while they were 
basically defenseless.

^_^;;;; who would? Not I!

With that, they resumed the march at a quicker pace. In the
distance, the sun of this realm started to set on the spires
of Jadeite's fortress. Soon they were passing among
shattered, windswept ruins. Empty doorways and led to broken
and gutted buildings, the only legacy of one of the greatest
threats that they had ever faced.

Empty doorways and....what? I think you're mising a word or two there.

Fingers danced on glowing crystal buttons, opening the
mammoth arcane-marked metal doors.

arcanely-marked

Minako bobbed her head frantically. "Yeah. That's what I
thought!"

That's what I was thinking!

(since she's still thinking it, but hadn't vocalized it)

Makato stopped herself from bopping the ditzy blond for
trying to scare all of them, as the hairs on her neck
bristled. She started to look around, trying to spot the
danger.

Makoto. search/replace ^_^

Setsuna looked around numbly, gripping her staff in white-
knuckled fear. She seemed moderately disinterested in her
surroundings. As if they weren't important or relevant.

She seems VERY affected by what's going on, much more than is her habit.

All of them jumped as the squeal of metal on metal that
started up suddenly.

jumped at the squeal

The silence was deafening, cloying. The blackness engulfed
them in a mind numbing wave.

mind-numbing

The sound of electrical solenoids humming and banging into
new positions gave them just a moments warning before dim
red lights flicked on.

moment's warning

"Must be on emergency power. But Sailor Sun took the extra
time to charge some of the incidental systems," Sailor
Mercury muttered to herself. Her gaze, amplified by her
visor, searched the hallways left, right and ahead for
anything out of the ordinary.

I know it's a competing convention not to use the serial comma (which 
would be a comma after "right" in the previous sentence) but I'd 
recommend using it on general principles...

One of my teachers gave a good example of why serial commas were 
sometimes a bad idea to leave off. She read a book once that had a 
dedication at the front as follows:

"Dedicated to my parents, Jesus Christ and L. Ron Hubbard."

If the author had used a serial comma it would have avoided the rather 
humorous (or disturbing) result. The point is that if you don't use the 
serial comma, the previous one can sometimes be mistaken for an 
appositive comma.

Makato nodded her agreement, while Minako looked over to
Sailor Mercury in hope. A frown of concentration was all
that was on that ones face,

one's face

Behind them, a shadow disconnected itself from the ceiling,
from between two pipes. Glowing red eyes glared at the
Sailor Senshi. Its eyes narrowed in thought as it turned
back to the door. Its massive claws slowly, silently twisted
the metal of the controls into a gaping hole. His hands
reached in and played with the wires for a second.

Its hands

Sailor Sun looked and felt much better after being given a
feast to devour. She still looked ragged but at least her
pallor and health were no longer in question.

Her pallor was no longer in question?

Perhaps it would be better to rephrase as "her pallor and health were no 
longer a concern."

The wondrous
magic that infused her combined with rigorous training was
already filling her form back out.

better to put commas before "combined" and "was." Otherwise it seems 
that "magic" is the agent for the verb "combine" until you get further 
along in the sentence, causing confusion.

Sailors Sun and Io looked around the large room they had
been just led in to.

into

The large doors closed behind them,
sealing them into the large circular room. Pillars and
arches lined the walls. Crystal seemed to be the preferred
material, for some reason. A large pool of water in a
fountain was centered in the room. Floating in the air above
the pool was an odd depiction of space and some sort of
nebulae.

Is this plural nebulae? The later description seems to indicate only one 
nebula, in which case there shouldn't be an "e" at the end.

Queen Serenity bowed her head for a moment. "You were right,
Usagi. Pluto is no more." She inhaled deeply, steeling her
nerves. "How long until they breach the casing of the Gate
to Time?"

Gate of Time, usually...

"It's built to withstand just about any physical attack. But
the Chronovores are not merely physical attacking. They are
literally aging it millions of years per minute. In just a
few hours, it will fail and give them access to the heart of
the Gate," the pink haired girl said quietly.

pink-haired

"Not only does it weaken the Gate's defenses, it also gives them an 
almost
unlimited source of temporal energy and to all time itself.

This isn't parallel. It gives them to all time itself? It gives them an 
almost unlimited source to all time itself? I'm not seeing what you're 
saying.

The view zoomed closer and closer in, showing glimpses of a
gigantic artifact, round with strange and glowing runes
carved within it. Its surface had something on it that
flowed in waves across it in unsymmetrical patterns.

How about "Its surface flowed with waves of asymmetrical patterns."

The view shifted a final time, showing that the waves were
made of thousands, no millions of the strange creatures that
they had just fought, swarming across the surface, being
struck again and again by multicolored lightning. The
Chronovores fought to break the energies and skin of the
remains of Pluto with a fanaticism that was unbelievable.

I have a question...when were they named Chronovores? I don't recall 
hearing anyone call them this directly, just you as the narrator. I 
could be wrong though. ^_^;;;

"If we just had more time! We could build a better time lock
now. They would be easy to defeat then," the young looking
princess said. "But it's going to take years and most of our
resources. We're just out of time."

young-looking. Also, she might want to say they can't go back in time to 
give them the needed time because the gates are under attack.

Actually.......................I'm confused here. How did Usa and Ranma 
and Akane get to the future, if the gates themselves were under attack? 
Well, I guess they can just skip them, but then what's the excuse for 
not using time travel right now to give them the needed time? Is it more 
the resources that would be the problem if they went back in time?

Of course you reveal later on that they DO go back in time, later in the 
future...

Queen Serenity waved her hand, causing the view to shift to
encompass the entire solar system. A ragged halo surrounded
it, slowly filling out. "We may not have even hours. Their
strategy seems too simple and far too insane. Surround and
destroy us utterly, no matter the losses. Ami calculates
that in another ten hours, then they will be in position to
attack Uranus and Neptune in numbers. The Solaris won't be
able to hold them off for long then."

ten hours, they will be in position

The halo surrounding the solar system is made of Chronovores? Why? It 
would be much smarter to just go in ten groups, one for each important 
planet, rather than be more widely spread out. The way they are there 
will be tons of them with no planet to attack. Also, it would be 
smartest not to come in in just the plane of the ecliptic...for them to 
come in "above" or "below" would be best. Also they'd likely come from 
only one direction, not circle all the way around the solar system to 
surround it. It takes a long time to travel in space.

The newest person was also dressed in a flowing white gown
of medieval flavor, as were most of the women. Sailor Io
stopped, taking in the two younger figures standing before
her. "Oh. I guess we're almost out of time then." Her gaze
darted between the two and then finally tore itself away to
land on her liege's visage. Her eyes unfocussed, as her face
became void of all emotions. "I-I have a message for you,
your majesty. I am to tell you that now the Staff has been...
procured, that now you must seek to unlock Solitude."

Your Majesty.

Forms of address should be capitalized.

"Well, the Guardian of Time can time travel." Io shook her
head in frustration. Why couldn't she remember this time in
her past?

Sailor Sun smacked her fist into her open palm. "Count us
in!  We gotta help, Akane!"

"I don't know, Ranma. This is kind of spooky." Sailor Io bit
her lower lip for a second. "But you're right. We have to
help."

You should probably use "Eternal Io" and "Sailor Io" to 
distinguish...it's getting a bit confusing. ^_^;;;

Usagi shivered, as she felt a dead hand pushing her towards
unfathomable actions.

no comma needed

Io tore her gaze away from the younger Sailor Sun. "I can't
say. I'm sorry. I can't even really remember. Maybe?" Her
voice choked off. It wasn't supposed to hurt anymore. It had
been so long. Why the pain again?

This pain thing is a bit confusing...is this only the "bad current 
relationship between Ranma and Akane" pain, or is it some other pain?

"Well, that's three of us to go on this hare-brained
scheme." Usagi turned towards the Inner Senshi.

harebrained

A gently raised hand stopped her as surely as a shouted
command. "They must stay here. I am sorry, but you will have
to go without them." The Queen's voice caught and nearly
broke. "Go safely and return quickly."

gently-raised

Also, this is confusing to me. Who are "they" and "you"? Reading it the 
first time, and the second time, I thought the Queen was saying that 
Ranma and Akane could not go with Usa to Solitude. But below they do 
exactly that. So what do you mean, if not that?

"Huh?" Sailor Sun scratched her head for a second. "Oh.
Yeah! Hey, Ami? Can I have you look for something at about a
million miles out from the sun on the elliptic plane?

ecliptic

That's a very vague location ^_^;;; I guess her technology could be good 
enough to locate it...

Sailor Sun had been reading over her shoulder, bouncing
slightly. A neat trick, considering that she was a bit
shorter than Mercury at this point. "Thanks! That's an
amplifier, battery and control device all in one. It'll help
a lot. 'specially if I get into another tussle with these
things. Be right back!"

'Specially

Akane looked over to the pink haired girl.

pink-haired

She received a
glare that stalled any attempt at starting a conversation.
She was left struggling with the concept that she was really
in the future. It seemed so bleak and unfriendly. Was this
all that was waiting for her?

Is it?

This is one of the things I don't like. More later.

Sailor Sun appeared in space, a glowing golden corona
protecting her from the void. In front of her, floating in
space was her sword. Unbidden, words from a simple
attraction spell pulled it towards her waiting grasp. She
hefted its grip, testing the balance of the one handed
weapon. Its Celtic knot work still stood out, three gems
gleamed dully in the hilt.

Its Celtic knot-work still stood out and three gems gleamed dully in the 
hilt.

one-handed

Repetition of "in space."

Her thumb wiped at the some of the grime that clung to the
silver blade.

wiped at some of

"We don't have any more time to waste. Ready?" Two nods
answered her. With a gesture, she opened a familiar portal

Missing period at end. Also, you do need to indicate the speaker this 
time, as we don't find it out until two sentences later.

They stepped through into an open field of grass, a
glittering mountain of metal loomed overhead, disappearing
into a crater that was easily a mile wide.

comma splice. Just split it "of grass. A glittering"

Sailor Io looked around, trying to see something that she
could recognize. Behind them she could see the dark metal
spires of Jadeite's fortress, sticking out of a forest of
ferns far off in the distance. "Ranma! That used to be where
our cave was!"

It still is where the cave was. "That's where our cave used to be"?

Sailor Mercury tried to turn on some of the equipment that
had worked the last time they were here.

the last time they were there.

Mercury trotted over to where the green-haired Senshi was
kneeling. She held an odd collection of wires and crystals
formed a hideous mask that was wired into the conduits.

wires and crystals that formed a hideous mask wired into (?)

Moments later, they were running down a familiar corridor
that they had used to enter so long ago.

I suggest "the familiar corridor." Otherwise "used" is more likely to be 
read as in the habitual sense rather than the "utilized" sense.

Their hearts almost stopped as they looked at each other and
then they ran down the corridor as fast as possible, towards
their almost helpless friends. By the time they got back,
they heard the tail end of a fight. By the time they got
there, they found Sailor Saturn sprawled out and trying to
get to her feet.

almost-helpless

Though Saturn is never helpless as long as she's Saturn, but maybe she 
got taken out first? Well, she *is* so not-helpless that she might as 
well be helpless...except for the Wall, of course.

Anyway. You repeat "by the time they got." Rephrase one of them.

The rest followed quickly through the winding passages,
their breaths short and harried. Soon the large doors they
had entered in just a short while ago loomed above them.

I suggest "entered through." Otherwise the "in" can be mistakenly tacked 
onto the next phrase.

Mercury stopped and cursed profusely. "He's already smashed
the controls!" She reached out to see about jury-rigging it
to open, being careful to not touch any of the wires.

*might* want to say "not to touch." I have nothing against split 
infinitives on general principles, but "not to" is so common that "to 
not" really wouldn't add any meaning.

"Mercury!" Sailor Neptune called out as the dark haired girl

dark-haired

Sailor Uranus snarled and then yelled out, "World Shaking!"
while pointing her hand at the imposing door.

heh heh heh

So much for conserving energy. ^_^

But you didn't mention Uranus's transformation dropping. After this 
paragraph she's just Haruka suddenly.

The remains of the door exploded outwards, pieces flying as
far as three hundred feet. Four figures jogged through the
remains of the open door.

repetition, "remains of the door"

Since Ami isn't jogging, might want to mention that she's still being 
carried.

"But Momma!" Sailor Saturn called out beseechingly.

Might want to say "Mama" rather than "Momma"...or better, "Michiru-mama!"

Sailor Saturn looked as if she was about to argue, but
finally caved in. Taking most of the burden upon herself,
they set off into the hills.

"herself" has no antecedent inside this sentence except "they," and 
"they" can't be an antecedent for "herself." You can't have the 
antecedent all the way back in the previous sentence. Reword.

Haruka prepared to sell her life dearly. Sweat oozed down
her brow and back. Her fingers held her sword painfully
tight, until she consciously relaxed. Her feat shifted
slightly as her knees bent.

feet shifted

"And who's going to protect you?" Sailor Neptune said
evenly, trying to hide her frustration at her lover's 'macho-
ness'.

"machismo" is the word, though you may want to qualify it with something.

"She just a child!" Haruka shouted.

She's just

They separated, watching for the thing to leave Jadeite's
palace. Time drifted by for an hour, as shadows grew longer.
They spoke nothing, merely let the others presence
strengthen them.

other's

I suggest "merely letting the other's presense"

Also either "They spoke not a word" or "They said nothing"

Warrior instincts homed in a time far past, sent Haruka
diving as a large rock flew through the place where her head
had been. The dive turned into a roll that flipped her to
her feat as she charged the lanky youma.

honed in a time far past sent Haruka (spelling, no comma)

flipped her to her feet

It was a thing of nightmares, myriads of scar covered its body.

comma splice. I suggest: "It was a thing of nightmares, myriad scars 
covering its body."

"myriad" is an adjective, not a count noun. You can't have a "myriad of 
something," only "myriad somethings." At least that's what the 
prescriptivists say...I rather like the term "a myriad of." In any case 
"scar" needs to be pluralized.

Its movements were shockingly fast and jerky, as it
sidestepped the vicious stab of the Space Blaster Sword.

No comma needed

Its glowing red eyes narrowed. It remembered what Jadeite
had told it so long ago.

Certain of the Senshi had deeper attachments to others in
their group. This blond girl was obviously Sailor Uranus.
The same Sailor Uranus that went out of her way to defend
Sailor Neptune. Ashkall was a survivor, if not a leader. But
even so, not being in the youma village had saved his
existence. And now he was ascendant.

I'm a bit surprised Jadeite would specifically mention such a thing to a 
minor youma like this one.

Small cuts appeared on his arms as he blocked two more
blows. His toothy grin widened, as it let her stab it in
arm.

missing words? No comma needed.

For just the scantiest of moments, the blade was stuck.
Cruel claws grabbed her neck and held her in a modified bear
hug.

I'd change "her neck" to "Haruka's neck" or "the blonde's neck." 
Otherwise the antecedent is too far away.

Seemingly unconcerned with the foul wound and sword still in

and the sword

it, it turned back towards Sailor Neptune, slow steps eating
up the distance with deceptive ease. "You surrender or I
kill her!" it growled out as it carried its burden.

"What?" Neptune said in surprise. Damn it, Haruka. Why did
you have to jump in so close in?

Still moving toward her, it responded, "You attack, I kill!"

Her heart warred from within her with her duty. Hotaru and
Ami were depending on her! "Deep Subm... erk!"

Canon anime characterization of Neptune suggests someone willing to make 
sacrifices of other people when necessary, even team members. So her 
attacking anyway like this is good. But I don't think the conflict would 
come from Hotaru and Ami counting on her...she killed Hotaru pretty 
easily in Stars. Instead the conflict would be between her sense of duty 
(not tied to any meaningful thing like friendship or loyalty but merely 
some vague amorphous feeling of duty) and her love.

Haruka screamed out, pushing what little power she had into
sword, causing it to glow and burn the stinking flesh that
held it.

into the sword

The youma roared, flinging her into the air. Up became down
and then up again as she flipped around. The ground rushed
up at her, stunning her severely when she impacted. Lights
danced before her eyes as darkness attempted to steal her
consciousness.

"Haruka!" Sailor Neptune screamed out. She dodged the next
kick and punch. The youma had thrown Micharu over a hundred
feet!

The youma had thrown Haruka over

They struck simultaneously. Neptune cried out, "Deep
Submerge!" as the youma fastened its claws on her shoulders,
strength flowing from her.

Who struck simultaneously? Haruka and the youma were the last beings 
mentioned.

The youma howled as the attack tore at it, while the
Sailor's failing life force nit itself back together.
Finally her power failed, reverting her back to simple
Micharu.

life force knit

What is being knitted? The way you have it written, the life force is 
knitting the life force back together, but I think you mean that the 
life force is knitting the youma back together. That would be "life 
force knit it back together" not "knit itself."

Also, it's Michiru, not Micharu. Do find/replace.

The youma grinned nastily as it kept absorbing her life
force. Her skin started to hang loosely, almost all life and
vigor being viciously ripped from her. It let her drop to
the ground defeated, barely alive.

Might want to mention right away that it has to keep her alive for its 
own reasons. Otherwise it seems just a lucky accident that it didn't 
finish her off all the way.

The youma's wound started to close as the girl's struggles
weakened. Just before the spark of her life was
extinguished, it let her drop to the ground. With a roar of
triumph, it scooped up both of its new prisoners and dashed
into the fortress.

I like the way this youma is draining energy and putting it to use right 
away. I don't remember if canon youma really did that...they seemed to 
gather it in crystals most of the time. But anyway it works here.

Unlit corridors were traveled unerringly, leading ever
deeper into the man made mausoleum. Dim light filtered out
of a large room. Cages lined it, rusty and forbidding.

man-made

Rei looked up, hoping to see the other Senshi, ready to
rescue them. She started as she saw the youma enter,
carrying two more of their comrades in arms. "Damn it!" she
muttered.

comrades-in-arms.

Makato glared from her cage, across the corridor. Shackles
held her feet loosely, a chain leading to the wall. Tough
cord was threaded through it, wires gleaming dully under the
tough rubber that wouldn't cut.

repetition: tough

The youma chuckled low and softly. It grabbed a sack from
the ground, pulling out two odd looking fruits. It trod over
and opened her cage. "You eat first," it said simply.
Grabbing her before she could react, it shoved a piece of
the flat tasting fruit into her mouth. Barely giving her
time to breath and swallow, it fed her the food, slapping
her carefully whenever she tried to fight back.

odd-looking, flat-tasting, breathe and swallow

Hot tears of rage coursed down her cheeks, as she felt her
life force being drained away.

No comma needed

Usagi just stared in incomprehension at the scene before
her. Who was this stranger, wearing a mask and a tuxedo?

No comma needed.

"Who are you?" Tuxedo Kamen yelled out, dodging another
blast of silvery black energy from Wiseman.

It sounds like TK is yelling "who are you" at Usagi, but I don't think 
it's meant to sound that way.

"He means to send you back to a life you hate and despise!
He wishes to have you be something you do not.

you do not what?

"He wishes something you do not" works, but not with another verb in the 
middle.

You know that
you want to be an ordinary girl, leaving behind the pain of
the life that he wishes to force upon you!" Wiseman cried
out loudly. Black lightning danced from his fingers,
destroying any rose that would come too close.

Just how does Wiseman know this? Even with the later explanation of why 
Wiseman is still around, how he knows about this wish isn't clear. Also 
I'm not sure he'd believe it even if he heard about it. Does he assign 
all blame on Endymion for Neo-Queen Serenity's banishment of the Nemesis 
people?

"What? So she can go back to fighting and seeing her friends
in danger, time and time again? Hah! You are far crueler
than I. Let her go back to her family and friends, to the
peace that she so desperately desires!" Wiseman called out.

That, of course, doesn't work, because her friends are fighting...

"And fight she must? Oh, what a cruel taskmaster you are!
And if I was so evil, why do I want to give her what she
really wants?" Wiseman replied mockingly, from under his
dark robes.

if I am so evil

Or, "And if I were so evil, why would I want to give her..."

"Stop it, please stop it! Quit fighting!" Usagi screamed
out. Strange feelings arose from within her. Fear, pain,
anxiety and worry not of herself, from others far removed in
regions unknown. Light flared from her for just a second,
sending ripples across the solar system in a silver halo.
One her forehead, the sigil of the moon burned bright in
silver glory.

On her forehead.

Tuxedo Kamen eyes widened as memories washed across the
surface of his mind, tickling protective instincts. "Usagi!"
he screamed out, trying to charge a man whom he knew far to
well. Wiseman! But he was the living embodiment of the
planet Nemesis, from the future! Even then, Nemesis had been
destroyed. "Die, Wiseman!" His cane bounced off of silvery
black lightening. How could he have such power over life and
death?!

I'm a bit confused. How much did TK not remember before this? He seemed 
to be saying pretty much the right things for not remembering.

cane bounced off silvery lighting

Though how it can bounce off lightning I'm really not sure.

"So, you remember me, do you? But it doesn't matter, the
more power she uses, the more powerful I become!" Skeletally

comma splice. Suggest "But it doesn't matter. The more power she uses, 
the more..."

thin hands reached for the sky, as from behind him the
gigantic black crystal pulsed darkly. Silvery lightening
arced from it and into his palms. From the shadows below
their feet, figures rose smoothly, as riding an unseen
elevator.

as if riding.

Tuxedo Kamen eyes shifted left and right, taking in the

Kamen's eyes

Ashkall loped along the floor, feeling better than he had in
weeks. Most of its scars were faded and almost gone. It left
behind the almost lifeless forms of the captured Senshi in

feeling better than it had in

If it drains them to almost-lifelessness, what keeps them from slipping 
the rest of the way over the edge on their own?

their cages. There were the two last ones that Ashkall
wanted to capture while it was still dark. The darkness was
when he would be strongest and they at their weakest. They
would be tired after hours of travel and easy prey.

The last sentence is awkward even if it is grammatical. I suggest 
something like "Because they would be tired after hours of travel, they 
would be easy prey."

Also the previous sentence would be more parallel if you said "The 
darkness was when he would be at his strongest and they at their 
weakest."

For minutes he traveled at speeds that would shame the
greatest of Olympic athletes.

This comment is impossible from his point of view, as he knows nothing 
about Olympic athletes. Also...is it "it" or "he"? You keep switching 
back and forth. Decide on one and go through and make them all match.

It stopped to sniff the ground, like an over sized dog.

oversized

That and turn on each other and feed for the
desperately sought life force that they desired.

desperately-sought

Ashkall stopped, its nose picking up a strange odor that
reminded it of the plant that grew the fruit for the
prisoners. After a few seconds, it left, seeing no
importance to the small growth in one of the cracks in the
ground.

What's the importance of this paragraph?

Red eyes narrowed, as it finally spotted its prey, laying
huddled together in a dirty crevasse in a hill.

lying huddled together. The first comma is unnecessary.

It just had a moment of warning, as light flared above it,
to react to the sudden attack of the fiery bird above it
struck with sudden savageness, heat radiating from it in
scorching waves.

run-on. Split into two sentences somewhere near "fiery bird."

Sailor Saturn jerked at the sudden blinding light, as she
saw monster and Sailor Sun's familiar fight a mere two
hundred feet away. Her eye's squinted in the glare.

You've got three "sudden"s right in a row there. It would be good to 
reword.

Chizuko clawed and bit, trying to destroy the monster that
had taken the other Senshi. "You will not hurt them!" the
bird cried out.

"You will not stop me! I hunger and I will not be denied!"
Ashkall screamed out, lashing out with brutal claws, rending
flesh and feathers.

The dialogue's a little...stale. Might as well be saying nothing.

Chizuko retaliated by biting at its eyes, managing to
destroy one. The hawk screamed in agony as one of her wings
was cruelly broken by a lucky swipe of a powerful claw.

"You will feed me too, bird!" it spat out, as it threw

the claw spat out? Your antecedent is too far removed. Just say "the 
youma."

Chizuko to the ground and cracked the parched rock. It's
claws dug in, draining even more energy than it had ever

Its claws

Spells that kept the sun's needed warmth in her breast were
loosened as the poor hawk felt its life force

No antecedent for "her"...the referent is after the pronoun, which 
doesn't work very well.

metamorphosing, fragmenting the careful safe guards that

safeguards

Sailor Sun had created a millennia ago. Chizuko let out a

a millennia before.

"ago" just doesn't work in narrative because it refers to a period of 
time before "now" and narrative is always describing a time that is 
"then" rather than "now."

Does that make any sense? ^_^;;; It's a little hard to explain... Ranma 
could say at this point "I created the safeguards a millennia ago" but 
couldn't say "I had created the safeguards a millennia ago." I would 
have to say "at the time Ranma commented on this fact, the safeguards 
had been created a year before" because the time in which I am reporting 
the story is sometime after the time it took place (even if it took 
place in an imaginary future, since I am telling it in past tense).

It might help to think of it as "ago" being an adverb that goes with 
past tense verbs only and not past perfect tense verbs. (Of course, that 
doesn't work if you're mistakenly using past tense instead of past 
perfect tense--a mistake you're not making here.)

"Saturn!" Setsuna cried out, alarm in her voice.

I know why she's yelling this, but it seems a little strange...you might 
follow this with showing Saturn move into position, instead of letting 
us find it out a few paragraphs down.

The light grew impossibly brighter as the bird erupted into
primordial flames, destroying anything near her instantly
with more power than an atomic bomb. Jadeite's fortress
shook and its armor cracked slightly, awakening their
prisoners deep within its bowels.

the prisoners (right?)

The mass of a mountain was instantly vaporized and flung
into the air, in a giant cloud that grew into a gigantic
mushroom, out shining the distant sun.

first comma unnecessary. out-shining

Terrible minutes later, in the heart of the terrible
conflagration, life clawed for survival as Sailor Saturn
pushed herself and her unparalleled weapon to maintain her
Silence Wall against the insane fury of elemental energy and
devastation.

Minutes that Setsuna used to good advantage, recalling
ancient spells and etheric energies that she had not used in
centuries. Words and gestures flew from her mouth and hands
in dizzying rapidity.

The fragment is a bit awkward left to the next paragraph like that. 
Fixing it makes one heck of a long sentence though, but I think it's not 
really a problem....

against the insane fury of elemental energy and devastation--minutes 
that Setsuna used to good advantage,

I wonder about these spells. It sounds like some type of magic that has 
nothing to do with the way the Senshi magic works, but then you show it 
as only stopping time?--which she has done before, in SMR and S...

Time froze, deafening her with sudden silence, the raging
storm frozen solid. She took a moment to catch her breath,
pushing sweat drenched green hair out of her eyes.

sweat-drenched

"If we don't go too fast. What happened?" Hotaru asked,
leaning on the Silence glaive.

Is that the proper capitalization for this weapon? I'm not sure...

Setsuna leaned down and picked up the unconscious Ami.
Grunting under the burden, they walked away from the
blinding heart of destruction.

Both of them were grunting?

"No, there's no way. She probably froze to death almost
instantly, nearly vaporizing us in the process." Setsuna

I'm not sure that "freezing" is the correct way to categorize this. 
Death by heat-loss does not necessarily equal freezing. Freezing 
technically means going from a liquid to a solid state. When people 
freeze to death they may or may not have tissues turn to ice. If they 
don't, then technically they died of hypothermia, not actual freezing.

In any case, it may be best to say "freezing" anyway even though the 
imagery involved in this case is so different from usual.

came to end of their path, all that was left of the
mountain, caught in the lee of the blast as it was protected
by Saturn's wall. Quite calmly, she stepped off the path and
into the air as if it were solid ground.

"Uh, I can't do that Setsuna!" Hotaru said nervously.

"Don't worry. The spell I cast allows such impossibilities.
It would have to, otherwise we would smash ourselves against
air that is far heavier than lead. Just trust me," the green
haired woman said calmly. She reached out and helped the
waif take her first steps into the air.

That's some spell...just stopping time wouldn't do that. What's 
specifically making that air solid and the other air not?

"So what's different this time?" Sailor Io asked as they
trekked along the carefully constructed path that led up the
side of the metal mountain.

carefully-constructed

With much fanfare, she inserted the Time Staff into the lock
and tried to open it.

with much fanfare, or without?

The pink haired princess glared at the obstinate lock. Why
wouldn't it open?

pink-haired.

Just search for all " haired" and changed to "-haired"

"The right time, huh?" Sailor Sun said sarcastically.

"Oh, shut up! You're always so obnoxious!"

Sailor Io could only nod in agreement as she rolled her
eyes.

Heh heh

Tuxedo Kamen circled warily, trying to keep the five
circling figures in his view. Each had their own distinctive

repetition of circle

Usagi nodded dumbly in agreement, also wishing to know what
was wanted. This was so strange, so ethereal and distant.
The dim shadows were only broken by softly glowing figures.

softly-glowing

All these hyphens may seem unnecessary, but bear with me. For 
adverb-participle combinations like this (or, in fact, 
adjective-particle combinations) you should always hyphenate them before 
nouns and not hyphenate them in the after verbs (in the predicate). "The 
softly-glowing figures danced" would be correct, as would be "The 
figures were softly glowing." Same rule can be applied to "well" and 
"poorly"..."The room was well lit" and "The room was poorly lit" are 
correct, as are "The well-lit room was sparsely populated" and "The 
poorly-lit room was packed." (Also, "The sparsely-populated, well-lit 
room was colored green." and "The green-colored, sparsely-populated room 
was well lit." That involves an adjective-participle combination too, 
but maybe you get the idea.)

"And if I have my way, it will never happen, Endymion." From
his robe's dark sleeves a torrent of brilliant and ruby red
energy, scorching the Prince of Earth.

fragment

Tuxedo Kamen started to scream, as liquid fire rooted his
feet to the ground. Suddenly, his voice cut off.

First comma unnecessary

The silence was then broken by a high pitched scream, as

adjective-participle combination. high-pitched

I guess I'll leave most of these unmarked from now on because there's a 
lot of them. You should be able to find them pretty easily though just 
looking for adverb-particle and adjective-particle combinations.

Usagi saw the strangely dashing and heroic figure had been
turned into stone.

Here it's not straightforward...blast!

OK. The rule is not so simple. If the adverb is an objective quality, 
hyphenate, but if it's a subjective quality, don't? Grrrrrrr....

The way you wrote it here is correct, because "strangely" is a judgment 
that Usagi is assigning, not an objective (nor inherent) modifier of the 
adjective. It's not just that it's a compound adjective either; "Usagi 
saw that the strangely-dashing figure" does NOT look right.

Ami's eyes finally opened, feeling gritty and dry. Her heart
almost stopped. A gray metal ceiling, almost hidden in
shadows met her view.

last comma unnecessary, but if you do put it in, you need another after 
"shadows."

Her heart had almost stopped, or it almost stopped at the moment she 
opened her eyes? What made it almost stop then?

A small stampede of feat signaled the arrival of the rest of

feet. You have "feat" three times in this chapter and always mean 
"feet." You could do a find-replace but that would mess with "feathers" 
and "defeat"...

Poor Chizuko.

Who's making this mental comment? Ami? Or the narrator? You might want 
to specify better.

"Fuels won't work any ways. It lacks the necessary magical
component of life forces.

anyway. They lack

So we get to drain ourselves. Yuck. But if that's what we
have to do, then that's what we do. Our princess needs us.
That is all that's really important," Rei said decisively.

Everyone looked at her in surprise. Was this the same Rei
that continually complained about Usagi?

A sweat drop appeared on Rei's forehead. "What?"

"Um, nothing. That was just a bit surprising, coming from
you," Minako explained.

"I don't pick on her because I like to, you know. It's for
her own good."

Everyone blinked in surprise at that. Her sweat drop grew
even bigger.

"What?"

I *like* this scene.

Ranma sat in the control chair of the Solaris. He was
dressed in a white and gold military uniform. In front of
him floated a glowing representation of the solar system.

You never specifically say why he's not female at the time. Can he to 
the teleporting and stuff without being transformed? I'd think in a 
dangerous situation like this he'd want all his resources at hand...

Another big question comes up here. There is no crew on this ship? The 
only people at all that we meet in the future are the Senshi. Where's 
everyone else? What about the other senshi...do they have kids? 
Husbands? Anything? The comment about a bleak future resounds here...

"I know. I just met our past selves. They had accidentally
hitched a ride to the future with the princess. It just
about broke my heart, to see them before..."

"...before I destroyed any chance of us ever having kids? I
don't even remember what I'd done to overuse my powers
before fully exploring them. My memory from before the ice
age is so fragmented. So lost."

Here's my first MAJOR problem with this chapter.

With advanced science, there's absolutely nothing stopping Ranma and 
Akane from having kids. With advanced science combined with magic, the 
possibilities are astronomical.

Even if Ranma has completely fried all his germ cells, all you need 
(with advanced science--more advanced than modern-day) to make a kid is 
one cell, ANY cell, from the father, and one cell, ANY cell, from the 
mother. If you don't have the cells, well, if the science is even more 
advanced all you need is the DNA code of each party and a DNA 
synthesizer. Run a computer-simulated meiosis and recombination, and 
voila.

Ami could probably do it with the Mercury Computer in "present" time.

There's thus no reason for this to drive a wedge between Ranma and Akane.

"That comes from having over a thousand years of memories.
Who would have imagined that the two of us would be the only
ones to escape that cataclysm." Sailor Io shook her head.
"But back to our duty. Fire at the predetermined location.
Give me a countdown to when it will strike the mirror."

Now, something could have happened during this thousand years. The two 
of them the only people in the world? They'd go stir-crazy.

The Solaris II shifted its orbit around the Sun. The great
gold miles long cylindrical shape split in great rectangles,

great golden miles-long cylindrical shape

unfurling into a gigantic silver reflector, pointing at the
Sun.

second comma unnecessary.

Smaller satellites around the great molten center of
the solar system focused even more energy on the mirror. A
mirror that was thousands of miles wide!

The ! is probably unnecessary, and you may want to just make this last 
sentence into an appositive connected to the previous sentence.

All of that energy was focused on a gem encrusted mirror, a

gem-encrusted

This is another case, noun+participle, which is hyphenated both before 
the noun and in predicate position.

The opalescent spiders, in a swarm thousands of miles wide
all turned to see stream of ice streak into space in front
of them, off to the side. Inaudible chittering traveled back

"chitter" is onomatopoeia, so it's impossible to have inaudible 
chittering.

First comma not needed, but if you keep it, put another one after "wide."

a stream of ice.

Is the stream in front of them, or off to the side? I don't see how it 
can be both.

and forth across the hive mind. As the ice formed into an
oblong mirror, the danger became dramatically apparent to
them all. They could see the reflection of the sun, a mere
pinprick in the mirror. In panic, they started to flee the
path of the burning death, the hated sunbeam that killed
them.

The surface of the mirror should be curved so that every part of it 
catches the sunlight. Thus the entire surface would glow with the same 
brightness, and there'd be no tiny image of the sun on it.

the hated sunbeam that would kill them (?)

Still numbering in the millions, the remains of the
Chronovores continued to charge the gigantic planet ahead of
them. The had banked on being able to take the largest world
and make it their base. They could not fail.

They had banked

Why is taking the largest planet important? Do they like to eat 
hydrogen? Is it that time runs slower in a gravity well, and Jupiter's 
got a big gravity well?

Their senses, attuned to energies and light beyond that is
visible, felt another wave of energy forming.

repetition of energy.

beyond the visible

Behind her lay Jupiter, slowing spinning majestically behind her.

redundant

Magnetic forces, from the greatest planetary magnetic field
in the solar system, concentrated in the rapidly dispersing
vapor from the sunbeam attack. Electrical potential grew
larger and more potent, until a planet-shattering bolt of
lightning exploded from the center of the cloud, striking
almost all of the final Chronovores with lethal levels of
electricity.

This is pretty cool, and I've not seen it used before. Jupiter has a 
great magnetic field...there's actually a magnetic loop connecting 
Jupiter and Io because Io is at just the wrong place, and this probably 
contributes to Io's volcanic activity.

But..."Electrical potential grew more potent"? ^_^;;;

Eternal Mercury read more information off of a floating

information from a

screen. "We still have only four more hours before they
totally encircle us. Four hours until the end."

This doesn't make much sense. Encircle...Jupiter? the solar system? What 
happens if they encircle the solar system? They set up some sort of 
temporal resonance causing it to wink out of existence?

"We know, Akane! We know! Damn things even impervious to the
Breaking Point." Sailor Sun again attempted to burn a hole
in it, to no noticeable affect.

thing's impervious to even the Breaking Point.

That was it! Io hadn't said Sailor Pluto; she had said the
Guardian of Time. Usagi Chibi was the Guardian of Time now,
specifically trained by Pluto to take her place. So if Pluto
hadn't sent her here, maybe she had sent herself. So how
would she know the key to unlock this impenetrable fortress?
It had to do with the Key, of course.

suggest: Maybe Moon had sent herself. Otherwise it almost seems like 
Pluto had sent herself...

In the blink of an eye they were in a high tech control
room, screens and flat crystal surfaces everywhere.

high-tech

"That was it! Pu didn't send us here, I did! Which means
that I must have prepared this at some point in the future."
She paused a second. "That breaks all sorts of rules of time
travel. Those strictures are there for a very good reason.
Unless, these Chronovores are an actual threat to time
itself?"

well...of course they are! Why else are they called Chronovores? And 
they're attacking the Time Gate...

A large hologram appeared, showing the green and blue
surface of Solitude. Bright cracks of light appeared,
splitting it into hexes. Under their feet, the ground rocked
as the hexes started to drift apart. Sailor Sun shoved her
nose up close to it.

I think you mean hexagons. Hexes are mysticism things that can be like 
curses or like wards.

Out in space, where the only true view was, the world was
indeed breaking apart into gigantic plates. Beams of pure
white force crackled like lightning between each plate, even
as they flew wider and wider apart.

 From whose point of view is this paragraph?

Sailor Moon tapped the control panels in front of her in a
seemingly meaningful manner, her pink cow tails swishing as
she bobbed her head. "But where are they going to get enough
energy?"

cow tails? They're usually described as ponytails, no?

 "How can you tell? Wait, the gravity field is fluctuating,
increasing radically "

extra space at the beginning of the paragraph, and no punctuation at end

At her touch, as if remembering something through a fog
memories, Sailor Sun's power flared.

Her power was remembering something, or Sailor Sun herself was 
remembering something?

Following some unknown
cue, they chanted in unison, "Sailor Teleport!'

should be a " at the end of that paragraph.

Also...I guess these two are enough to do a Sailor Teleport since Ranma 
can do the equivalent on her own, even though it usually takes 4 of the 
inners to do it.

"What are they trying to do? Don't those idiots realize what
sort of forces are out there right now?" But she was talking
to thin air.

She needs to be identified as Moon because she's not been mentioned in a 
while.

They appeared in outer space, close by one of the flares.
Akane's breath was taken away by the incredible view of
birds, formed of flames that danced in those hellish fires.

last comma unnecessary. If you keep it, you need one after "flames" as 
well.

'Chronovores? The ancient enemy still?'

"Uh, yeah. They are attacking the Time Gate and... "

RANMA: well, they're a new enemy to me...

'They threaten reality itself! This must not happen. They
will throw the universe back into universal chaos!' Chizuko
laid back her head and let loose a resounding hawk-like cry
that nearly deafened them.

lay back her head.

universe into universal chaos? Might want to rephrase.

Are they really hearing the birds? Chizuko is speaking in ' not " so 
that makes it appear something is different.

That cry was answered a million times over. Even as all the
plumes were filled with masses of the legendary firebirds,
the edge of space collapsed, rushing inward at the speed of
existence. For one second it seemed reality flip-flopped and
then stars appeared. Billions and billions of stars!

Out near the orbit of Pluto, a new star appeared, suddenly
warming everything near it!

Okay...two exclamation points this close together are too much. Both of 
them could go, actually, though the second is the worse offender.

And before them, around the ragged remains of the planet
known as Pluto, even more and more glittering time arachnids
teleported back to their desperate beachhead. Their plan
forgotten, they pulled all of their forces back even as they
struggled anew to crack the Time Gate.

.......they can teleport? If they can teleport, why does it take them so 
long to move in to encircle whatever it was they were encircling?

In front of them and spinning in rings out in space around
the remains of Pluto, patterns and glyphs of power sprang
into existence, twirling like some sort of combination lock.
In the center of the sudden light show, a sphere of metal
that was the true heart of the Gate of Time, cracks and
fractures raced across its surface.

This second sentence is a fragment.

Dark clouds drifted over Tokyo, sending people scurrying on
their way. Even though it wasn't raining, people looked up
anxiously up at the clouds, one hand always ready with an
umbrella. In front of a foreboding bank, a man who was

Below you describe the bank as dark and gothic. You might want to move 
that description up here and the "foreboding" one down there. Otherwise 
"foreboding" here seems to make little sense.

Ami stepped out of the opening portal as easily as she would
have a subway. A high tech set of glasses relayed
information to her from a kludged together computer in her

high-tech, kludged-together

"Alley! Quick!" Minako called out, leading the other in that direction.

the others

So the citizens of Tokyo were treated to the odd sight of a
large group of young women dashing for the nearest alleyway
as if their life depended on it.

might drop "So"

Blinding flashes of light illuminated the alleyway as the
Sailor Senshi transformed. Sailor Mercury focused on the
metallic bracelet, adorned with crystals and lights. The
bubble around her twisted as if alive, expanding and seeming
to become stronger and more defined. The other Senshi
followed her lead, enhancing their force fields.

forcefields

The ground shook, sending crystals tumbling. The dark robed
figure seemed to scowl, his eyes turning red as he drifted
towards a towering black crystal. Behind him, on what looked
to be a stage, Usagi sat at a long dinner table, seemingly
uncomfortable in her sun dress. Her haunted eyes would drift
furtively towards the odd crystal statue of a man in a
tuxedo, seemingly screaming in horror. It should have evoked
horror and terror, but all she could feel was an odd sense
of loss.

three "seem"s in this paragraph. All of them can probably be cut.

"Something... is interfering. Interfering with my world,"
Wiseman rasped quietly to himself. He was close, his black
crystal almost perfect, with no cracks or flaws. He could
feel more stress building within it, threatening to destroy
it. Someone must be remembering, fighting against the truth
of now, trying to bring back the old and unwanted past.
Shadows of women and men drifted through the ground like
smoke. "Find them. Purge them from here and now!"

from *the* here and now?

"What are you doing, Wiseman?" Usagi's eyes looked up at
him, wide and innocent. At the edge of her vision, the wine
glasses and dinner shimmered for just a second.

wineglasses

She felt herself float up to where the dark robed Wiseman
stood next to his crystal. A darkly translucent bubble
appeared around them.

Usagi felt (you've not mentioned her for a few paragraphs)

The great double doors shattered inward, inlayed onyx and
obsidian scattering across the floor. The flood of water
seemed to sparkle and then vanished without a trace.

What flood of water? How about something like

The great double doors shattered inward, chunks of inlayed onyx and
obsidian carried across the floor by a surging foam.

She felt herself float up to where the dark robed Wiseman
stood next to his crystal. A darkly translucent bubble
appeared around them.

The feeling of the unreal flowed through the young girl.
Even as the Sailor Senshi fought a desperate battle against
the resurrected foes of the Black Moon, Usagi watched the
amazing fight with detachment, almost disdain. A mist seemed
to diffuse what little light reached the room, giving the
scene a dreamlike quality.

You never mention that the Senshi are even there. A good place to do so 
would be right after the doors are smashed.

They were obviously Wiseman's enemies, come here for some
reason. Why did she feel as if she had seen this same sort
of thing, time and time again? Her heart thrummed to an
unknown beat, a cadence deep and demanding, urging them on
into battle.

The battle seesawed back and forth, shadowy figures being
dispersed under many (odd but familiar) attacks. The Senshi
merely gritted their teeth when they were struck, giving
their wounded the chance to recover when they had to stop
because of their wounds. Sword, staff and spear spun a
deadly dance.

This whole scene seems very rushed. You may want to break away to their 
point of view for a while, give the scene a good telling, and then go 
back to Usagi.

Finally, one of them (Mars, Usagi thought dimly) was unable
to duck and was overwhelmed. A shadowy woman with a blood
red moon symbol on her forehead ripped an ornamental
bracelet off. For one long second, two people seemed to
exist in one space. The young woman in robes collapsed,
clutching long scratches on her arm. She seemed to be saying
something, but it couldn't be made out through the force
field that enclosed the quiet at the storms heart.

forcefield, storm's

You haven't mentioned any young woman in robes. You need something like 
"For one long second, two people seemed to exist in one space, one in a 
sailor fuku and another in the robes of a shrine maiden. Then the one in 
the fuku melted away, and the one in robes collapsed..."

The shadow smiled cruelly, but seeing her no threat turned
to help a uniformed man attack another of the strange girls.

There's a lot of difference between a shadow and a shadowy woman with a 
blood-red moon symbol on her forehead. The appellations are not 
interchangeable.

With a grim determination, the raven-tressed girl crawled
towards the statue of horror.

You didn't mention before that she was raven-tressed. Since this is all 
from Usagi's POV you need to mention it earlier.

the statue of horror? Do you have some words missing here?

A look of terrible concentration was on her brow. Sweat beaded on her 
brow.

repetition of "brow"

Usagi silently mouthed 'Mamoru' along with the girl, a chord
of recognition struck deep within her.

This *can* be grammatical if "struck" is meant as a participle, but it 
sure looks like a comma splice.

Silver crack of white light started fracturing from the
piece of paper, as if some great hammer had struck a star
that was encased within a fragile shell.

Silver cracks (?) A silver crack (?)

Nice imagery

Usagi noted dimly, far off in the analytical portion of
herself, that she must be screaming horribly. The scream was
realized as she determinedly threw herself towards Rei (her
name is Rei she thought dimly) and something else so
terribly important. The statue. Why was it so important to
her?

name is Rei, she thought dimly

Also I suggest using dashes instead of parentheses

"Stop it! Stop it!" she shouted even as the darkness cut off
its relentless attack.

she shouted, even as

"You wanted this, Usagi! You wanted to be normal, to have an
uncomplicated life, free of these sort of burdens! I am just
giving you what you want!" the heavily cowled figure cried
out.

this sort of (or) these sorts of

Rei looked up at the strange girl that was holding her
steady. Her questioning eye seemed to ask, who are you that
cares about me? Around them, the fight had stilled, as if
inconsequential in comparison to this event, this drama.

who are you who cares

"I've told you, you wish to be free of the duties that chain
you to these people! They would drag you back to an unhappy
life!" Skeletal hands slowly gathered dark energy in them.

"in them" unnecessary

Ripples in the air traveled between the two, as if the air
was liquid, in turmoil under a rain. "Duty..." ...is such a
terrible burden to bear. She clenched her hands, the fight
around her stalled with bated breath. She did feel an
overwhelming urge to give up these cares, to run free and
happy.

Usagi clenched her hands,

"No." Her voice echoed hollowly across the room, alighting a
surge of hope among her friends that were watching.

"her friends that were watching" sounds bad to me..."the friends that 
were watching" or "her watching friends" or "her friends there watching" 
would be better...

Rei rasped out a deep breath. Who was this evil? Why did she
feel as if conversation was far more important than the
battle that had raged around her. She looked over at the
girl, eyes bare inches apart. She should... "...believe in
yourself. I... believe in you."

their eyes mere inches

as if this conversation

around her?

Rei felt a breath of fresh air, revitalizing her and
awakening her memories. Her robes melted away into her
warrior's uniform. "Serenity."

"I will not go back into oblivion! I will destroy this world
first and make it a new Nemesis, undoing that hated future!"
His gathered ebon energy struck at her with a fury of a
howling wind. In front of it, the ground itself was
destroyed, shattered into dust.

Best to precede "I will not" this with some mention of Wiseman. 
Otherwise the natural person to expect to speak next is Usagi. Also if 
you don't, there's no antecedent for "His." Also, who is being struck 
at, Rei or Usagi? And what's "it"? The ebon energy? You mention "In 
front of it" in the next paragraph too, and it's really unclear.

In front of it, Usagi held up her cupped hands. Her tears
ran across her now peaceful face. Sparkling, her tears
formed into a small crystal with the brilliance of the sun.
A light so bright that no darkness could come near it, an
impenetrable damn against the abyss.

impenetrable dam

repetition of "her tears"...I'd replace the first one with just "Tears"

Wiseman staggered back, even as his shadows moaned in horror
at the light. Hands composed only of bones clawed at his
crystal, drawing more and more power.

first comma unneeded

Sailor Moon floated at the heart of the light. Behind her,
the stone-like casement that held Tuxedo Kamen was blasted
as if by some unstoppable explosion. At his feet, two cats
of opposite appearance blinked as their own prisons
disappeared.

You didn't mention Sailor Moon before. I suggest rephrasing in old 
info-new info order:

In the heart of the light floated Sailor Moon.

A simple book on rhetoric would be good to read for examples of old 
info-new info...the one I have is in a box somewhere and its name 
escapes me at the moment...

The cats of opposite appearance? The only thing opposite is the 
color...one is the photographic negative of the other, but they're not 
really opposite.

Also a few paragraphs down you mention Endymion, so it must be right 
here where he breaks out. You don't actually say though that he's 
released from the casement, just that the casement gets blasted.

"Wiseman. I don't know how, but this ends. Now!" shouted
Usagi; Serenity, the future queen clearly showing through.
This was the man, destroyed and come back, who tried to kill
her friends and her future family.

who had tried to kill (though he's trying again)

The semicolon is not correct because what follows is an appositive. If 
you change "showing" to "showed" then the semicolon is fine; otherwise, 
it needs to be a comma instead.

But "the future queen" is also an appositive for "Serenity" and needs 
commas on both sides of it as well. ^_^ That is, if you mean it to be a 
restrictive appositive...and since there is more than one Serenity you 
may want a nonrestrictive appositive with no surrounding commas.

"I have your power! Even you can not stand against it!" the
avatar of Nemesis cackled insanely.

it!" The avatar

It is very difficult to cackle a line of dialogue.

"My power? My desire and my will?" Her eyes narrowed in
thought. "I am not the child I was. I can choose. And with
that choice, take back my power!" she cried out. Light
streamed out in glorious wonder to shine on the midnight
black crystal

missing end punctuation

midnight-black

I like this paragraph.

"No! How can this be?" Wiseman cried out, panic layering his
voice with fear. Fractures appeared, blemishing its pure
finish.

unclear antecedent for "its." It seems to refer to "fear" or "voice." 
Mention the crystal again after Wiseman.

"The Silver Millennium Crystal is my heritage! When my
purpose is pure, it can not be turned against me!" Terrible
strain was evident as she channeled such great power. "It is
me!"

I like this paragraph, but I think you should mention Serenity's name.

"And she is not alone!" Endymion added even as he put his
hands upon her shoulder. A soft glow of gold emanated from
him.

If you don't mention clearly earlier that he's escaped from the stone, 
this appearance is very sudden.

Without any words, Sailor Mars followed suit, putting her
hands on Usagi's other shoulder. She glowed a radiant red in
response to her liege.

The Silver Crystal pulsed once with the brilliance of a
nova, traveling across the world in an eye blink. The whole
world seemed to shake, even as the shade of Nemesis was
expelled into space.

Where are the other Senshi during this? Just standing to the side? Why 
don't they all come up and put hands on shoulders or  *something* 
instead of just standing there?

With a sun at her back and a force of millions of burning
spirits, Sailor Sun raised her sword high. Light glinted on
it from behind her. Without further ado, the forces of light
surged onward into battle.

repetition of "light"

I like this paragraph.

From afar it looked to be a massive wedge of destructive
energy that struck the Chronovores with a force beyond
reckoning. Up close it resembled a dog fight of galactic
scale. Fiery beaks and claws tore at glassy carapaces. Back
and forth the battle flowed in the intense minutes of fighting.

dogfight. And it's not galactic scale. If anything, the view from afar 
is galactic scale.

flowed in intense minutes of fighting

This scene also seems rushed...You made a big deal about Sun getting her 
sword back and this is the only mention made of it?

Approaching the battle, the shrinking sun of Solitude burned
more and more intensely, even as less light was visible. It
moved forward with terrible grandeur, a key fitting a lock.
Or perhaps more accurately, a lock that perfectly fit a key.

nice phrasing.

At the center of what used to be Pluto, the Chronovores
smashed themselves against the last barriers that kept them
from all time. Solitude swept toward them, now only twice
the size of what it was supposed to be.

And since we have no idea what size it's supposed to be, this doesn't 
help us visualize it at all.

With only moments to go and a final barrier to breach,
warriors appeared. Swords, staff and glaive. The defenders
of the solar system roared a challenge as they flung
themselves into combat to delay them for just long enough.

unclear antecedent for "them." Just say "delay the Chronovores"

The very ether seemed to seethe and boil as Solitude
engulfed the fracture of time. Invisible lightning pulled
the planet together with a silent snap, leaving the orbit
quiet for a long moment.

I have trouble picturing this. The Chronovores are at the time gate. 
Solitude is going to surround the gate. The Senshi move in to attack the 
Chronovores, while the planet is moving in around them? And they don't 
get crushed by the planet? Or is that what you mean by the star in the 
next paragraph?

A new star appeared on the surface of Solitude. "We made
it," Queen Serenity said, looking around at the darkening
sky.

Since earlier in the chapter an actual new star appeared, I would avoid 
using the phrase metaphorically here. Also more description is needed, 
along the lines of something like this:

On the surface of Solitude, a blazing light appeared and faded, 
resolving into the figures of the Senshi.

Otherwise we have no frame of reference for where Serenity is when she 
speaks this dialogue.

All of the Sailor Senshi had appeared. Sailor Sun's male
uniform seemed to contrast terribly with all of the flowing
gowns. Unconsciously, he gravitated near Eternal Io who was
watching the ongoing proceedings.

So Sun CAN use the powers while male? You never explain this...is this 
left for a sequel or something?

King Endymion nodded his agreement. Behind him, Eternal
Neptune had summoned her mirror to use its powers to scry
out the movements of the enemy.

"to use its powers" is redundant

"It appears they have been
routed. It my take a few years, but we should be able to
track them down and make sure they never threaten us again."

Who speaks this line? Endymion, or Neptune?

A whirling circle of light appeared, heralding the
appearance of the Guardian of Time.

"Pluto-?" Serenity started to ask, startled when she saw her
daughter appear.

The neo-sailor bowed her head, tears threatening to pour
from her. She had almost put the death of Sailor Pluto
behind her. "She really was killed in the first attack by
Chronovores."

"She has a duty, to me and my line," Serenity said firmly.
"It is a far greater burden and even death can not stand
against such oaths." The Silver Millennium Crystal appeared
within her cupped hands.

"Mother? MOM!" Princess Usagi screamed out, only to be
stopped by Eternal Mars and her father.

The light sparkled and grew more intense as Queen Serenity
raised her hands far above her head. A soundless wind of
pure light came from her hands, blinding all who watched.
Even the most powerful among them, Eternal Saturn, had to
avert her eyes.

A small child's crying broke the stillness after the light
had left.

"Wha-" Two fingers silenced her, a gesture of her childhood
from her father.

silenced Usagi (otherwise appears to refer to the crying child)

"Sailor Pluto no more, but still cherished and beloved of
the House of the Moon. I name thee Setsuna of Solitude,
princess of the Court of the Moon, last child of Chronos.
For thy lands I grant thee Solitude, to protect and cherish
for the realm." A magical light followed her tracing finger
as it made a pattern on the small baby's forehead, its eyes
unblinking.

Sailor Pluto is no more, but is still

Also describe Serenity picking the baby up (and give us some clue as to 
where the baby appears) so that we know Serenity is talking to her. You 
don't name Serenity in this paragraph at all.

Or do you mean something like "You are Sailor Pluto no more, but are 
still cherished..."?

This scene would have MUCH more impact on the reader if we'd actually 
seen Pluto's death. We only have second- or thirdhand knowledge so we're 
much less emotionally attached.

She turned to her daughter. "Into my daughter's care I place
you, as she was placed into yours. And so the circle is
complete."

When she turns to her daughter the natural inclination is to think the 
line of dialogue is addressed to her daughter. More description needed.

The princess mutely took the small baby up, holding her
close. "Thank you, mother."

Mother." (forms of address are capitalized.)

"It hurts me to see you hurt so over her loss. She was
closer to you than I could ever be with my duties," Serenity
replied sorrowfully. She was surprised when she was hugged
tightly by first her daughter and then the two of them by
her husband.

repetition, "hurt"

"There's still lots of time," her daughter said, her smile
echoed by her father.

All of the Senshi sniffled a little (even Sailor Sun had a
bit of dust in his eyes.) For several long minutes, they
cherished the royal family's reunion.

The emotional impact on the reader isn't there because so many things 
were so rushed. We didn't really get the time to get emotionally 
invested in the characters so that this scene would be meaningful.

"This calls for a party!" Eternal Venus suddenly shouted,
her right hand raised up in a 'V' for a dramatic victory
salute.

You can drop everything after 'V'

Almost everyone stared at her in mute astonishment, except
Mars and Jupiter that rolled their eyes at their old friends
eternal immaturity. A bead of sweat grew on the blonde
princess of Venus's forehead.

Jupiter, who rolled their eyes at their old friend's

Not sure immaturity is the right word. If she's really immature, would 
she sweat about it?

Barely being able to breath, Sailor Sun managed to nod. That
wasn't fair ganging up on him like that.

breathe

It wasn't fair, ganging up on him like that. (otherwise, repetition of 
"that")

Serenity smiled sunnily. She turned to the youngest members
of the Senshi present. "Well you two, are you ready to go
home?"

The younger Sailor Sun nodded dumbly as she stared at her
older self being manhandled by the two most martial of the
Inner Senshi.

Light encompassed them, flinging back down the paths of time
and space.

I was hoping for some more signs that Future Ranma and Akane would be 
getting along better after this.

Ranma and Akane stumbled to a halt, feeling disoriented and
confused for just a second. In front of them stood the
familiar gates of Juuban High School.

"Huh? What happened?" Ranma asked.

This is the next thing that I REALLY, REALLY don't like. There's no 
reason for their memory to be affected, and it's a storytelling sin for 
what the characters go through to not remain in their memory from them 
to learn from.

(Sidenote: Who got the sword? This Ranma, or the future one?)

"I don't know. But everything feels right now. Not like that
strangeness where we were the only ones who remembered being
married." His wife looked around, oddly bemused.

If their memory of events is now affected, they should be even more 
worried than before!

"Hey, kids! You all right?" an older man called out from his
car that was parked on the side of the road.

"Uh, yeah. We're fine." Ranma shrugged his unconcern to
Akane.

he's male? but he was just female, no? And in uniform?

"Could I talk to you? I've gotta offer for you."

Cautiously, they walked over. His car was an older model,
quite beat up. He grinned at them. Whoever he was, he was
scruffy and had a pile of empty Styrofoam cups next to him.
"I'm a reporter. No, really. You see, I'm here looking for
the Sailor Senshi. I've got a map that shows this is the
center of the youma attacks. I'm going for an exclusive. My
paper is willing to pay big bucks for anyone who helps me
get the interview of the century."

"Oh, how neat. I don't know how much we could help. We just
transferred here from Furinkan High over in the Nerima Ward.
We haven't even seen the Sailor Senshi. Oh, I hope I do! It
would be so neat!" Akane gushed with her most vacant
expression.

Move Akane's name closer to the beginning of the paragraph.

"Uh, we're gonna be late for school." Ranma grabbed her and
pulled her quickly towards the school.

repetition, school

"No problem. Just keep me in mind kids!" The reporter
shrugged and scribbled a note on his pad of paper. He knew
he was on the right track.

mind, kids!"

"What was up with that?" Ranma asked no one in particular.

Yeah, what was up with that? This reporter scene seems pointless. Why'd 
you describe the reporter so much? Sounds like an SI candidate, 
actually...^_^;;;

Is this another setup for some sequel? If not, the story would be no 
poorer if it were left out completely.

"That's just some nosey reporter that's been bugging us
lately," Ami said as she walked by, her nose in a book. "I
liked it when they just 'happened' to ignore us. I'm more
curious as to where you guys were. You missed all the fun."
She sure didn't look more interested, as she continued to
read her book.

"Hey! We were following directions. We were asked to grab
her, so we did. Wasn't our fault we got dragged into the
future. We helped save the whole solar system!" Ranma puffed
out his throat in pride.

They weren't asked to grab her. Ami shouted "Stop!" not "Stop her!"

"Yeah, it had to do with... Solitude, I think. I'm having a
tough time remembering though."

Ami nodded understandingly. "It's hard to remember after the
chronal disturbances of time travel. Regular teleporting is
far less disorienting."

No........................

When they went to the future in SMR did they forget what happened there? 
They didn't in the manga...I sincerely HOPE they didn't in the anime, 
because that's bad bad bad.

Why should everything bad that apparently happened to Ranma and Akane in 
the future HAVE to happen? They should remember and strive to avoid it!

"So, everything is back to normal?" Akane asked.

"Uh huh," Ami replied.

"Ranma! Akane! You're back!" Usagi squealed in delight,
leaping up from her desk. She grabbed Akane in a tight hug.

Ranma felt a slight difference from their future ruler.
"Say, why is she-"

"-here before class? I think Usagi has quit hiding from the
future. She's starting to grow up." Ami slipped into her
seat, still reading her book.

"I'm probably not going to understand what you're talking
about, am I?" Ranma asked seriously.

Ami looked up from her book and smiled shyly. "I think you
could. You just have to apply yourself. You're smarter than
you think. You just have to try."

"... Yeah. Maybe." But did he want to tap into the
intelligence that his past life had showed him he had? Then
again, he had adjusted to his cursed form too. It was just
more of the same thing. It didn't change what he is now,
just that in the past, that he was something else.

If he's really adjusted, why was Future Ranma male all the time?

"Come on, Ranma! Quit acting so gloomy!" Akane called out
from across the room where she was sitting down."

Ranma smiled and trotted over. Somehow, if he still had
Akane, it didn't seem to worry him as much.

But he WON'T have Akane, so it's worrysome...

OK, final thoughts. (*whew* that took a long time...)

I like it. I wouldn't pay so much attention to it if I didn't. There are 
a lot of good ideas in this. Characterization seemed decent. The overall 
plot was complicated enough to be interesting. A lot of dialogue was 
good. Some character development was good, especially Usagi's.

However, by having Ranma and Akane forget everything, you stick a knife 
in their possibility for character development. I must ask WHY? What 
prompted you to do this to your characters? Nothing good can come of it. 
Everything in the future might as well have not happened. You could have 
just had them disappear with Usa and then reappear as they did at the 
end here, without having told us what happened, because it plain does 
not matter if they can't remember.

To recap, there's also no reason they couldn't have kids. Unless you 
mean during the thousand years (?) when they were apparently the only 
two people alive. I guess they would have had no access to medical 
science then. But why would they even WANT to have kids then? It would 
be no place to raise children. Unless they thought they were the only 
humans left for eternity, and didn't know that the Great Ice would end 
and the others would awake. Then I could see the conflict happening. But 
they could have had kids before the Great Ice happened.

As allyn yonge also said, a lot of things could have been fleshed out 
much more. So many things toward the end appeared to be rushed, like 
maybe you were tired of having the story unfinished and just wanted to 
get it over with.

Some things also weren't explained well, like Pluto's past with the 
Chronovores. In addition, after they escape from Solitude and in their 
final fight with the Black Moon, there's no mention of Pluto at all (in 
the present) so we don't see the results of her forced introspection 
during her time there and her confrontation of her own mortality.

This chapter could pretty easily have been split into three separate 
sections, each just about as long.

Also watch your dialogue tagging. Things would flow better if you used 
more tags. There are many times when for you as the writer everything is 
clear because you can picture it in your head but the transition to the 
page hasn't worked quite as well as it could.

All in all, I'm happy to see the story of Sailor Ranko and its followup 
continued. This is a welcome addition to the universe. If you *don't* go 
back and revise very significantly, I'll still look forward to the 
epilogue.

Peter


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