Genma hit the ground silently and stood motionless, listening for the
enemy.  There was nothing; no startled outcry, no enraged yelling, and
none of that deceptive bursting into tears nonsense.

He was free from his wife at last!

Deciding that he'd best hurry up and get as far away as he could, as
quickly as possible, he ran the short distance to the wall at the back
of his yard, then leapt over easily when he reached it.  Stopping again
on the other side, he waited a minute to see if he'd been spotted.
Still clear, nobody had noticed him.

Well, except for the neighbor's dogs, anyway.

After a short, panicked run to another nearby fence, he escaped once
again.  He kept jumping from yard to yard until he was about a block
away from his own house, trying to slip over each one as quickly as
possible, hoping that Nodoka wouldn't be upstairs and look one of the
windows that faced in his direction.  He had no illusions of his ability
to resist her screams of anguish, should she let that horrible technique
loose, so the best method of prevention would be to make sure he was too
far away to hear them when she started.

KP:  Would suggest giving the technigue some cliched martial arts name.

and

put screams of anguish afterwards, as an explanation of siad dreadful
ultimate wife attack.

Well, I don't think Genma would know the name of the technique, since it's
not like she'd tell him what it was.  Also, her screams of anguish are part
of it, so if he were to hear those, he would HAVE to turn back, otherwise
the potency of it would be undermined by his ability to ignore her anyway.

He was currently on their roof, listening to the sound of children
screaming.  How Soun was able to put up with that, he did not know.
Nodoka and his son alone were enough to push Genma to the breaking
point; the fact that the crazy woman hadn't been letting him drink
lately only made things that much worse.  Soun was much worse off; he
had a wife and three DAUGHTERS, horrible, useless things that they were,
all trying their best to make him go insane.

heh

Actually, I don't really get the impression anywhere that Genma views women
as being useless or anything of the sort, but this just fit really well,
so...

Which is why Genma was here tonight.  He was going to escape his own
personal hell, and it'd hardly be the friendly thing to do to leave Soun
to his.  They would ditch their families and go on a training trip,
maybe try to find that old, perverted master he had heard about.  Surely
the [a:extraneous a] guy that ancient wouldn't really be running around

groping women,

and somebody knocking on death's door as he was would probably
appreciate having a couple of young students to teach his ultimate
techniques to before passing away, right?

Heh.  I missed this the first time I went through, then went back and tried
to figure out why you included this paragraph.  Then, when I went to reply,
I missed it again!  >_<

Anyway, I'm glad you caught that.  I had noticed it before and thought I'd
already removed it.  Apparently not.  But it's an extraneous 'the', not an
extraneous 'a'.  It should read 'Surely a guy that ancient wouldn't...'.

If not, him and Soun could probably trick the geezer into revealing his
secrets somehow.  They'd both managed to sneak their ways into semi-
wealthy families, using their innate charm and manliness to get their
respective wives to marry them.  How could they fail?

KP:  Him and Souns sounds weird.  I would rephrase. Ano... aren't they
already married?

Agreed, need to fix the 'Him and Soun' part.

The 'They'd both managed' sentance is supposed to emphasize(sp?  I'm sure
that's wrong.) that Genma views himself and Soun to be very tricky and
intelligent individuals, and, after managing to getting married in a way
that is so obviously advantageous to them (despite Genma's view on his
current situation), they shouldn't have any trouble getting a lonely,
probably senile old man to reveal his techniques, after which he would
hopefully die to keep himself from becoming a nuisance.  I do need to make
this more clear, though, as the paragraph wasn't very well constructed
overall.

Here's another attempt:


If not, the two of them could probably trick the geezer into revealing his
secrets somehow.  After they'd both managed to sneak their ways into
semi-wealthy families, using their innate charm and manliness to get their
respective wives to marry them, having a lonely and probably senile old man
to give up his secret techniques would probably be easy.  With any luck he'd
be on his deathbed, just waiting for a couple of polite young men, fellow
students of the art, to come along and teach before he passed away, happy
that his knowledge and skill hadn't been forgotten.

How could they fail?


Gah.  Actually, this isn't much better, now that I reread it.  I'll have to
think it over some more and come up with a different approach to the whole
paragraph, most likely.  Oh well.

Just looked at the original story, too, rather than just the portion
remaining in the email, and I noticed that I restated in this attempt
several things that the previous paragraphs in the actual fic had already
said.  So this definitely doesn't work.  I'll figure something out.  :)

The priest nodded, then asked, "Are you sure you want those two married?
They'll probably have little retard kids."

HEH

PC this is NOT.  :)

Where was Soun, anyway?

The end.

Notes:  Yes, this was strange.  It didn't turn out near as good as I

wanted

it to, but hopefully it's at least slightly funny.  Oh well.  If you

read

the whole thing, I'm flattered, but you really, REALLY shouldn't have...
^_^;

*...*

Your mind is weird.

I'm... I'm so happy!  To finally have my outstanding mental characteristics
finally be recognized as they really should be!  It's what I've always
wanted!  *sobs of joy*

Thanks for the comments!  ^_^;


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