Bjorn Christianson wrote:
} > This C&C is made up wholesale by me. You can use it for
} > whatever you want, as long as you recognize that it is a)
} > free, b) by direct implication, valueless, and c) any rude
} > things you say about the C&C might make me cry.
}
} Umm, no offense, but A does not actually imply B.
True enough. But then, the poor logic and reasoning serves
to convey the essence of the message, to wit: you should
take everything I say with a grain of salt. ;)
I'm not sure I'll ever be able to read "with a grain of salt" in that
context without hearing the Knight Sabers' "Try the whole container!" in
reference to an explanation of the origin of the term "DYO". But
anyway... ^_^;
} > } While the day was only partly cloudy for the Galaxy Police officers,
} > } Ryoko was already in the shadow of a dark downpour. Despite the fact
} > } that it was noon, little enough sunlight broke through the clouds that
} > } the street lights' photo sensors had tripped, turning them on and
} > } illuminating cones of water droplets just as they finished their
} > } kamikaze plunges to the streets and sidewalks. It was a metaphor Ryoko
} > } found entirely too appropriate to the scene at hand.
} >
} > I'd suggest playing up the metaphor a bit more. As it is,
} > it's a bit subtle, which makes it jarring when Ryoko
} > suddenly references it.
}
} Perhaps, but dragging the metaphor on without getting to the business at
} hand would just drag the scene into a sleeper, no?
I'm sorry. What I meant was not to spend more time on the
metaphor, but to use it to a greater degree. For example,
something like "illuminating cones of kamikaze water
droplets as they exploded against the streets and
sidewalks." Or whatever; the idea being to describe the
water as kamikaze pilots, rather than labelling them as
such.
Oh, that metaphor. Actually, Ryoko's reference was to the dark mood
that the weather lent the scene.
} > } Ayeka concentrated, her discomfort with what she had to say, and her
} > } efforts to find a way to sugar coat it, readily obvious to Kiyone.
} >
} > I'm not sure you need the commas in "say, and her" and "coat
} > it, readily".
}
} Perhaps if I replaced them with hyphens? They're intended to bracket
} that phrase, to indicate that both the bracketed bit and the bit before
} it were obvious to Kiyone.
That would work better, I think.
'Mkay. Updated in my copy, though I don't know if I'll ever post this
fic again, except if I do find a good plot hook for the sequel, in which
case I'll probably repost this just before posting the sequel.
} > } Ayeka gestured to the pad in Mihoshi's hands. "That's got a complete
} > } list of the specific events and problems, but it boils down to
} > } corruption and abuses. In fact, he specifically mentions you as an
} > } example of what the typical Galaxy Police officer is *not*, and as such
} > } offers you and a few other ex-officers, including Mihoshi, citizenship
} > } in our empire as a means of sanctuary from, and I quote, 'the many
} > } enemies that such a model of what police should be, has undoubtedly
} > } acquired during her service in that organization'."
} >
} > No comma after "should be".
}
} Actually, that one was deliberate: the Emperor emphasizing his praise of
} Kiyone, and thus putting a bit more sting into his slap at the GP.
I'm fairly confident that it's not grammatical, as you're
using it to split a single clause.
True, but...not all speech is grammatically correct. I've found that
adding small, deliberate imperfections to the characters' speech can
help some of my readers visualize exactly what's going on, instead of
having everyone speaking with the same "voice". To take from a certain
well known series, Shampoo no speak perfect either; Amazon girl maybe
best example of what author mean.
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