noirchloe wrote:
Enemies of the Crystal State
Target lock.
A Ranma/Trigun/Sailor Moon/Scryed
Fanfic
By Kpjam
So. We meet again. But this time.... I reveal that I'm not left
handed. Ha-HA!
Disclaimer: I don't own any of these series. I'm not clever enough to
actually create anything. I just play.
Chapter one has beein revised. The reason the Senshi are after Vash has been
hardened, and Descartes lived. Not worth reposting but so you know.
Previous chapters are here: http://kpjam.anifics.com
Comments and Criticisms are welcome and much appreciated.
noirchloe@nyc.rr.com
Righty-o, let's see if I can offer you anything helpful. :)
Feel free to ignore anything I say that's not useful to you.
The three travelers walked along the long abandoned mountainside road; which
was in severe disrepair, composed of cracks and crevices with small patches
of uneven-road in-between. Their path was bounded on the right by a
guardrail, heavily twisted and missing several long sections, overlooking a
deep valley.
Not sure you want that semi-colon there; it might go better placed
between 'disrepair' and 'composed' (not sure about that).
Dead and decomposing trees where the norm, brittle and covered with moss. A
few wisps of grass or weeds stretched out defiantly from in-between the
mess. The short war had accomplished what decades of deforestation had
failed to do. Destroy the forests.
where the norm -- were the norm
He remembered the endless games of "Hide and Seek" he had played with the
others while traveling, always running amidst the trees, and in the branches
when they were older. He remembered stumbling onto the various animals that
inhabited the forest; but, now he was much more likely to find a skeleton
instead.
but, now -- but now
He sighed, depressed from how simply walking reminded him of all that was
lost from the war, the forest above the ground, his innocence below it.
from the war -- in the war (suggested -- there's a repetition of
'from' otherwise)
He turned to regard Minako and her small tentative smile.
small tentative -- small, tentative
Hakuta was the next town, still a good sixty kilometers from the last road
sign they had past by.
past -- passed
"Neo-Queen Serenity used the Silver Imperial Crystal to do this. She had to
clear the air first and then she healed the trees. It made everything
healthy, even spurring the trees to grow to adult status quickly. " Ranma
ignored the note of annoyance, or impatience evident in the woman's voice,
curious about what she was talking about.
status quickly. " -- status quickly." (extra space between the end
punctuation and the quotation mark)
"That.. That doesn't make sense."
"That.. That -- "That.... That (or just use three periods, depending
on your convention)
"Yes, you should. There are some beautiful forests around the city. For
some reason the crystal didn't work that far from Crystal Tokyo. Once you
get past the Osaka area, everything is dead and all," Minako sighed,
apparently distressed that the rest of Japan wasn't beautiful.
"It's because the land farther out wasn't properly cleared," Rei explained
with a sigh.
Repetition of 'sigh' between those two girls.
Ranma was busy trying to drown them out, holding in his verbal assault as he
scanned the area for a suitable place to camp.
Drown them out with what? Maybe just tune them out?
Rei's smiled. "Nothing," she responded and failed to remove her gaze from
him.
Rei's -- Rei (Might want to double-check)
Minako contemplated something, looking at her friends. "Doesn't he have a
cute butt?" She finally asked vacuously, hoping to draw her friend out of
her sour mood.
Friends? Who else is there? I thought it was just Minako and Rei.
Rei returned the question with a small glare before returning to her food.
Minako giggled softly and returned to the chore at hand.
Repetition: 'returned'.
Rei finally finished eating, or rather finished stuffing her nourishment
down her throat. There were a few instances throughout the meal that she
had felt like weeping. The contrast between this and the offering she had
received from Makoto a few days ago was almost too much to bear.
Chances are that Makoto couldn't make something worthwhile out of
the meal either.
She also bristled under the fact that Minako was right, they shouldn't
antagonize Ranma. After all, he was helping them out. Although she
suspected that Minako had other reasons for being nice to the young man, she
had no proof and therefore was forced to endure Minako's excessive cuteness.
I think "He's got a nice butt" warants more than just a little
suspicion.
"I'm going to call in before he returns," she informed her friend, the
instant her bowl was mostly finished.
'instant her bowl was mostly finished' sounds a bit awkward.
"I am not!" she protested, ignoring the flame to her cheeks. "How are Ami
and Makoto?" she asked, trying to regain her composure.
the flame (?) to her -- looks like something's missing here.
"Yeah. Whole lot of fun. Whoopie..." Rei dead panned.
dead panned -- deadpanned
"Geez... At least you didn't have to spend all day with arrogant
ambassadors."
From where? I'd think from what you described, everyone who wasn't
dead would be flat-out awestruck by Tokyo's greenery.
"Oh. Is he cute?"
Isn't she married?
The screen Rei was looking into split, as Minako's appeared in half of the
display. "He's gorgeous!" she exclaimed.
Minako's .... ? Seems like something is missing here.
"Minako!" Rei yelled at the screen.
What about the 'hush-hush' part?
"I think so... he must be... traveling alone like he his. He must not have
a wonderful wife to go home to," she said dreamily.
he his -- he is
Must not have a wonderful wife? She's casting herself in the role
already, eh?
"So what are Ami and Makoto doing that they can't join us?" Rei asked,
trying to
steer the conversation towards something of consequence.
Looks like a formatting error here.
"Come on, Usagi. Spill it." Rei wasn't in the mood for Usagi's
playfulness. She wanted to go to bed soon, get-up early, and get to a town
where they could get a decent meal.
get-up -- get up (I'm not sure, but I think 'get-up' is refering to
strange clothing)
"What?!?!?" Rei and Minako shouted into their communicators.
Do you need all those exclamations and questionmarks? :p
"Yeah. One of the provincial rulers is searching for a bride. And over the
course of the discussions he mentioned how attractive he thought you guys
were. Well one thing led to another and he wants to meet you all and see if
any fo you are suitable to be his bride," she finished excitedly.
any fo you -- any of you
Harsh.
Rei sat stunned. Trying to gather all the information that had just been
laid out to her. Married. One of them. Well Usagi and Mamoru had been wed
right after they took over Tokyo. Haruka and Michiru were as good as
married. But this concerned her friends... One of her best friends
could... To someone they didn't even know.
Well Usagi -- Well, Usagi (I think)
"Well. I hope one of you will," Usagi responded quickly. A little too
quickly for
Rei's comfort.
Formatting?
Usagi appeared to rear up, taking on a regal pose, as if she was about to
impart some world shaking news. "I've never met him," she said, slumping
her shoulders and smiling apologetically.
Vu'jade.
"Ah, we were just talking," Minako replied quickly. The lie sounded like a
lie to Rei's ears because the lie was a lie after all so it was obviously
the lie that it was, and that's no lie. Rei stopped and wondered
momentarily if all the time she had spent with Minako had finally warped her
thinking process irrevocably.
Aaaaaaugh.... I think my brain just threw a gear there.
I'd like to say repetition of 'lie', but it looks like it's
intentional. Brain... hurting....
After taking a moment to think, Rei replied quickly, "Helicopter-"
"Plane," Minako said simultaneously.
She looked over at Minako when she answered differently, before they both
turned back to Ranma.
'She' here seems to be indicating Rei. You might want to rephrase that.
"Plane--" Rei announced.
Previously you terminated the sentence abruptly with a single
hyphen, but here you used two. Consistancy.
Rei was stunned and impressed at the same time. Minako had given a credible
lie, hopefully Ranma would let it slide, if he didn't believe it outright..
Credible lie?! The girl threw a jumble of explanations out that'll
make the poor boy's head explode if he tries to understand it!
Also, two periods. Should probably be either one, or three, not two.
"Thanks, Ranma," both girls replied sincerely.
********************
Looks like an extra line between that dialogue and the divider.
Usagi looked into the blank screen, wondering if she should call them back.
She
wanted to, but she didn't want to talk to them anymore about the omiai. If
the first two failed, then those two would meet him next.
Formatting?
other Lords would go a long way. Although Setsuna seemed less than fully
supportive in her endorsement of the idea, merely deferring to Mamoru's
lead.
Interesting.
The fact that the potential bride-groom was a serious looker, if the picture
she had seen could be believed, didn't hurt matters even. He was also a
self-made man, that spoke to his abilities, and he had such an interesting
name, Knives.
Hasn't Usagi seen Vash? Vash and Knives being, well, twins, might
make this difficult.
The three travelers walked up to the town gates. The less than impressive
structure was made up of a few steel girders that had been stripped from
some building. They were currently up, but appeared to lay crossways across
the gap in the wall that surrounded the town. The wall was a series of
posts, mostly logs, apparent dead falls, with an occasional steel girder
thrown in for variety.
The couple guards at the gate paid them a cursory glance, apparently
satisfied that the he and his companions looked harmless enough they were
let through with little trouble.
You start this scene with 'the three travelers', but use 'he and his
companions' later. Might want to indicate Ranma somehow first -- I don't
quite know why, but that feels clumsy.
Posted in unevenly spaced watch-towers, were the town sentries and
look-outs, displayed more overtly than Ranma had encountered in other towns.
He wondered if they had faced an inordinate amount of trouble lately had
precipitated this action.
lately had precipitated -- lately [which had] precipitated (or like)
"Rei! Minako!" she called. Ranma's held his breath until he realized his
mistake and felt the air flow out of him as he deflated, from disappointment
or relief, he didn't know.
Ranma's -- Ranma
"Hotaru!" He flinched from the twin yells behind him and watched as both
his traveling companions raced past him. They all met in one giant hug,
Ranma took a moment to further observe the new girl, Hotaru. He noticed she
was dressed similarly to Minako and Rei, adorned in nice complimentary
clothing, in good condition, and kept her hair long. She looked like she
had been living well, like the two other girls. From these clues he quickly
assumed she was also from Tokyo.
The second sentence of prose seems to contain two completely
unrelated pieces of action. I have no idea what the technical term is.
"Well. I've seen you ladies here," Ranma chimed in, interrupting Hotaru as
she was about to speak, "...so I'll get going now," he finished.
The elipses aren't neccessary, since the prior sentence never
terminated.
"Ranma, wait." Minako called. He stopped the footsteps he was about to
take, as he turned to regard the woman, who now appeared flushed. He
wondered if she was ill. "Maybe she needed him to find a doctor for her?"
he surmised to himself, becoming increasingly alarmed from all the possible
illnesses that she could have caught on their short trip.
wait." Minako -- wait," Minako (Since the dialoge leads into the
prose.)
Also, you _probably_ want to start a new paragraph with the next
piece of dialogue, since it's Ranma's, not Minako's.
"Yes?" He asked worried, and a little upset that he hadn't noticed anything
wrong with her before.
worried -- worriedly (I think)
"Err... okay," he responded, realizing that Minako apparently wasn't ill,
annoyed at the delay and his misconception. He wanted to be on his way and
fast! Vash was not known to be in a single place for too long.
way and fast -- way, and fast
Ranma: So. You going to pay me for the food you ate?
Rei: I would, if you had given us real food.
Ranma: Fine, next time you can cook.
Rei: Fine!
Minako: Rei, you just agreed that there WOULD be a next time.
Rei: ... oh, damn.
"Sure, no problem," he said, trying to be polite. Having little idea what
else to say, he added, "Maybe you guys should find a store or something.
You know... so you can get some real gear. You might need it, if you keep
traveling away from Tokyo." He said, scratching the back of his neck.
I'd suggest dropping the 'He said' from the final sentence, and
throw in some other action indicator.
"Yeah?" he responded, hoping he had kept from growling, as he turned to face
the girls. Minako looked nervous, but a little happy. Rei was looking at
Minako, an annoyed expression on her face, while Hotaru looked speculative.
Hotaru's look made him the most nervous, as she didn't hide the fact on what
she was speculating about.
growling, as -- growling as (I think)
'the fact on what she was speculating about' -- sounds awkward.
Glancing at her, he noticed her smile in return, bright faced and... hungry
looking.
"No. No better there," he told himself. Surveying the angry look on Rei's
face he thought maybe he'd help them, just to spite her.
Formatting error?
And this Hotaru is scary.
She looked at her companions for support, disappointed at the indifferent
expressions she received in response. She assumed Minako was indifferent,
because she was making use of the time by engaging Ranma in small talk.
Hotaru seemed to deem that activity acceptable, throwing in the occasional
comment to move the conversation along.
response. She -- response. She (extra space)
In town she had begun to notice a pattern, whenever the question was about
something that didn't involve him directly, he was a wellspring of
information, and quite smug about his knowledge. When the questions hinted
at something personal, he would deflect it, or just ignore it. She was
growing suspicious, and wishing that her friend would start thinking with
her head, and not her...
pattern, whenever -- pattern: Whenever (I think)
"Wait a second, Minako." He reached into a pocket, and retrieved a small
notebook. The small book was flipped open and Ranma scanned through it,
apparently finding what he was looking for.
Hm. Oe Kintaro's influence reaches farther than I had thought.
Ranma stopped and turned to Minako. "That's a decent price, a little too
expensive, but..."
'too expensive' -- sounds too severe for him to still advocate its
purchase..
Ranma shrugged and pulled out the notepad. He flipped a few pages and
showed it to the girls. Rei leaned in close with the other.
"Martial arts haggling?" Hotaru said, confusion evident in her voice.
Extra newline?
"Yup," Rei responded. Hoping to get back to their mission.
responded. Hoping -- responded, hoping (optional)
"It was nice meeting you, Ranma," Hotaru added sweetly, as she extended her
hand
to the young man.
Formatting error?
"Who said that?" The dangerous tone in his voice set Rei on edge and
fumbling in her pocket for her henshin stick.
"You did. Yesterday in the fight," Minako countered, ignoring the warning
gesture Rei tried to make with her free hand.
Extra newline.
The three of them stood there watching his retreating form. Rei cast a
glance at Minako, noticing the worry on the girl's face. A sight that
induced trepidation in
Rei, it was unlike Minako to form a bond with a random guy like this. Sure,
she had been prone to becoming infatuated quickly, but this appeared to
border on real caring.
Formatting error?
Turning a corner, he ran to tell his pops, thinking about the new stuff he
could buy if they managed to capture Vash.
'pops' looks off in prose.
Continued in next message.
Right.
Will get to that next....