Dave Menard wrote:

Kewl! Garyfic! I shall attempt a C+C... standard take what you want, ignore
the rest disclaimer applies.

Righto.

The characters of Ranma 1/2 are the creation of and rightful
property of Rumiko Takahashi. They are used here without permission.
This story may be freely redistributed, but it should not be altered
substantially or used for profit in any way. Just in case anyone might
be misled by the name: this story has absolutely nothing to do with
Pioneer's "Tenchi" series.

##Yeah, but right off I thought it was an Eva fusion... ~_^

Even after knowing that I wrote it?  :)

Tenshi nodded as he sat at the counter. "Sure. Thanks." The waitress
who'd greeted him poured a cupful of dough

##While "Dough" is not _technically_ incorrect, as someone who has cooked
okonomiyaki, I can tell you that the solution has a consistency more
correctly described as "batter" before it's cooked. Once it begins to fry,
then it rises a bit and becomes doughy.

OK, will correct.

The door chime tinkled. A teenager shambled in. Big muscles,

##Once again, your call, but I wouldn't describe Ranma as having big
muscles. Well-defined, certainly, but not big. If you wanted to keep it nice
and terse, I'd suggest "cut muscles"

Good point; I'll think about this.

tight buns,
pretty face.

##May want to clarify earlier-on that this is a _male_ teenager. At first
glance I thought you were describing Akane. (Oddly, mind you, but still...)

I'll see what I can do with this.

"Ran-chan!" She hopped over to greet him, dropping Tenshi's card on the
grill where it began to sizzle, smoking as it quickly blackened and
crumbled. "How are you doing?"

##That's a nice image, but unless the meishi (Aak! gratuitous Japanese, even
in a C+C!) is made of something other than paper, it's not going to burn
like that. 'Yaki is cooked on a flat frying griddle-style grill, lightly
oiled, not unlike the ones greasy spoons use to fry burgers. From the way
you describe it, it sounds like a barbecue-style flame-broiling grill. IMHO,
you could change the entire image simply by substituting the word "fried"
instead of "crumbled". Once again, your call.

Hm. Okay. I'm not all that up on the fine art of okonomiyaki cooking.

"The woman from the Cat Cafe?" Tenshi recalled the withered old crone
who had served him there on Monday, and his stomach fluttered. "SHE'S
interested in him?"

##I wonder what reaction _she_ had to Tenshi's spiel...

Good question; my assumption was that he didn't even bother to ask. Of
course, we all know that if Cologne wanted to increase her business via
dirty tricks, she could do it quite effectively herself. :)

##I must say, this is a pretty original take on a shakedown.
Extortion-as-marketing, or is that Marketing-as-extortion? Neat.

Thanks, and good question. :)

Vice Principal Tsumaranai of Furinkan paged through the expense reports
on his desk, resisting the urge to tear out what was left of his hair.

##I pity this poor bastard. Forced to clean up the Kahuna's messes. I'm
surprised he has any hair left to tear out...

TSUMARANAI: I almost didn't, but I was lucky enough to come across that
coconut....

back, none of them were willing to play on the team anymore. What to do
with him then? *Put him in charge of the drama club,* a certain genius
in the school administration, whose name Tsumaranai very much hoped
would go unmentioned, had said; *he can't do any real harm there.*
Aaaargh.

##Heh. Drama "Coach". Hee. (Frighteningly enough, the Drama guy at my old
high school was a lot like this...)

I always enjoy casting against type. :)

"Of course I understand what ten percent means, Ukyo-sama." He bowed.

##Thereby indicating he had no idea whatsoever, and that financial ruin
would ensue...

KONATSU: It means I cut the crusts off for them, right?

"Oh, how miserable a life I lead," Ranma recited, with all the passion
and energy of a patient reading the chart at the eye doctor's office.
"If only someone could show me a better way." A chorus of sympathetic
sighs issued from the audience.

##Heh. Easily amused, are the students of Furnikan.

Not to mention their parents. :)

A woman in the front row sniffled. "Oh, what touching drama!"

"And an enriching educational experience for our youth," the man next to
her added.

##Hee! Nice touch, very Takahashi-an.

Thanks. Partly inspired by a report I did back in my abortive attempt at
teacher training on the various ways in which advertising has been
creeping into our schools.

"No. I mean, yes. We do." Kasumi let out an embarrassed giggle. "A
psychiatrist? How interesting! Would you like some tea? I can tell you
what I think the leaves look like. That's always such a fun game."

##Indicating that she has perhaps been Rorschach'd a few times?

KASUMI: Did I say a head split open by an axe? I meant a pretty flower,
of course. How silly of me.

She threw her arms open. "Ran-chan, I'm *shocked* to find out that
there's *hitting* going on here!"

##Hah! Shocked! Yes, shocked and appalled! ^_^

RANMA: Y'know, Ukey, this could be the beginning of a beautiful
friendship.

UKYO: We're already friends, Ran-chan.

AKANE: Enough with the movie references!

RANMA: There's a movie like that?

##Heheheheheh... (we cut outside the "Tenshi" soundstage, where a diminutive
ninja with buck teeth is parading around with a placard bearing the legend:
"Lackey's Union Local 508" and "No Scabs!" He pauses in his marching and
glares out at the "camera".
    "Look," the tiny minion spits, "I know Kleppe hates my guts, but to
replace me with someone even _more_ incompetent... It's an outrage!")

HIROSHI: Well, it would be, if anyone more incompetent ever turned up.

DAISUKE: Release the sixteen-ton weight!

('sides, this is based on the manga, so there's nothing to replace. ^_^)

##Yeah, he reminded me more of an incompetent Chili Palmer (Get Shorty, Be
Cool by Elmore Leonard) than Angel. He seemed a little too hard-boiled and
terse for Margolin's goofy fast-talker. Although the schemes worked out
about as well as Angel's tended to...

Haven't read the story you mentioned, but yeah.

Fun stuff, especially the
Konatsu-commits-Ukyo bit. (And don't think I didn't catch those
"oh-so-subtle" digs at a certain fanfic written by a certain person who is
named after a certain Eastern school of philosophy...)

FTR, nothing here was meant as a personal dig against Zen, or anyone
else. I've met Zen at several anime cons and always found him to be a
nice, friendly guy, and to my knowledge he's always taken any parody of
his work in the spirit of good humor. I am satirizing a genre of fanfic
here -- fanfics as obvious attempts to persuade the reader of the
superiority of the author's matchup choice. Zen's work does fit into
this pattern, IMO, but so does a lot of other authors'. It's not at all
limited to Ukyo, either, but she was the easiest to fit in to the
particular storyline here.

For those
interested, other work I've got in progress right now includes the
long-delayed chapter six of Hearts and Minds,

##Whee!

Thank you, fan. :-)

and another comedy
one-shot, "The Master's Underthings."

##Err... Kuno story? Featuring (brr) Sasuke? I thought you hated that guy...

Nope. (In answer to the story being about Kuno, that is. ^_^)  Wrong
master. (Does Kuno even count as a master? He's the Kendo Club's head,
okay, if that counts....) And you're probably thinking "underlings"
rather than "underthings."

Anyway, looking forward to it. Hope this was in some way helpful.

Yup, very much so. I appreciate the feedback!


Gary (writing from work)

             .---Anime/Manga Fanfiction Mailing List----.
             | Administrators - ffml-admins@anifics.com |
             | Unsubscribing - ffml-request@anifics.com |
             |     Put 'unsubscribe' in the subject     |
             `---- http://ffml.anifics.com/faq.txt -----'