----- Original Message -----
From: "Gary Kleppe" <gary@garykleppe.org>
To: <ffml@anifics.com>
Sent: Thursday, March 07, 2002 7:45 AM
Subject: [FFML] [Ranma][Fanfic] Tenshi
Kewl! Garyfic! I shall attempt a C+C... standard take what you want, ignore
the rest disclaimer applies.
TENSHI
Ranma 1/2 manga fanfiction
by Gary Kleppe
The characters of Ranma 1/2 are the creation of and rightful
property of Rumiko Takahashi. They are used here without permission.
This story may be freely redistributed, but it should not be altered
substantially or used for profit in any way. Just in case anyone might
be misled by the name: this story has absolutely nothing to do with
Pioneer's "Tenchi" series.
##Yeah, but right off I thought it was an Eva fusion... ~_^
<snip>
"Welcome to Ucchan's. I'll be with you in a minute, sugar."
Tenshi nodded as he sat at the counter. "Sure. Thanks." The waitress
who'd greeted him poured a cupful of dough
##While "Dough" is not _technically_ incorrect, as someone who has cooked
okonomiyaki, I can tell you that the solution has a consistency more
correctly described as "batter" before it's cooked. Once it begins to fry,
then it rises a bit and becomes doughy.
onto the grill; it sizzled
and steamed as she patted it into shape with a spatula.
<snip>
The door chime tinkled. A teenager shambled in. Big muscles,
##Once again, your call, but I wouldn't describe Ranma as having big
muscles. Well-defined, certainly, but not big. If you wanted to keep it nice
and terse, I'd suggest "cut muscles"
tight buns,
pretty face.
##May want to clarify earlier-on that this is a _male_ teenager. At first
glance I thought you were describing Akane. (Oddly, mind you, but still...)
The kind of guy that women always go nuts over. And sure
enough, Little Miss Restaurant Owner got one look at him and lit up like
a game machine that somebody had just put a coin in.
##Nice simile.
"Ran-chan!" She hopped over to greet him, dropping Tenshi's card on the
grill where it began to sizzle, smoking as it quickly blackened and
crumbled. "How are you doing?"
##That's a nice image, but unless the meishi (Aak! gratuitous Japanese, even
in a C+C!) is made of something other than paper, it's not going to burn
like that. 'Yaki is cooked on a flat frying griddle-style grill, lightly
oiled, not unlike the ones greasy spoons use to fry burgers. From the way
you describe it, it sounds like a barbecue-style flame-broiling grill. IMHO,
you could change the entire image simply by substituting the word "fried"
instead of "crumbled". Once again, your call.
"Oh, y' know." Pretty boy rubbed a bruise on his cheek.
"Akane?"
He nodded.
"Why'd she do a thing like that?" she cooed.
"Um... because I called her a flat-chested un-sexy tomboy whose cooking
ain't fit for worms," he answered. "Some people just can't take a joke."
<snip>
"Ran-chan attracts suitors like a flower attracts bees," she said,
confirming what Tenshi had already thought. "There's a gymnast from St.
Hebereke high who's been chasing him for quite a while. Besides that,
there's Shampoo, who you might have seen if you've been to the Cat Cafe.
Those are my main competitors."
"The woman from the Cat Cafe?" Tenshi recalled the withered old crone
who had served him there on Monday, and his stomach fluttered. "SHE'S
interested in him?"
##I wonder what reaction _she_ had to Tenshi's spiel...
"Uh huh. And she doesn't have a lot of shame when it comes to showing
it, either. She's been known to sneak naked into the shower with him, or
into his bed while he's sleeping."
An image of that stringy-haired, gnarled lump of flesh cuddling under
the covers with him, and Tenshi had to fight back the urge to spit out
the food he was chewing.
##And the readers spew their cola/coffee/beverage of choice across the
monitor screen before fleeing to the bathroom to vomit... <shudder>
"I guess if you've got it, you might as well use it," Ukyo said
wistfully. "I can't deny being a little jealous when I look at how built
Shampoo is. I mean, what girl wouldn't want a bod like hers that would
make any guy look twice?"
<snip>
Tenshi dropped his feet to the floor and straightened out his back. "As
far as this little... ad campaign... is concerned, there's two ways you
can play it. Positive, or negative. Positive means you tell 'em how
wonderful your own product is and how much it'll enrich their lives.
Negative means you attack the competitor's product, you tell them how
bad off they are 'cause they didn't buy yours instead."
##I must say, this is a pretty original take on a shakedown.
Extortion-as-marketing, or is that Marketing-as-extortion? Neat.
<snip>
Vice Principal Tsumaranai of Furinkan paged through the expense reports
on his desk, resisting the urge to tear out what was left of his hair.
##I pity this poor bastard. Forced to clean up the Kahuna's messes. I'm
surprised he has any hair left to tear out...
Five hundred thousand yen to build a simulated jungle in the basement?
How was he going to explain this to the school authorities? Yet if he
didn't find some way of reconciling the budget, there wouldn't be
anything left to pay the faculty. Not to mention the administrators, a
certain one of whom had a wife and two daughters at home, counting on
him to bring back a paycheck that they could use to put food on the
table.
Damn it, he thought. If only--
The intercom buzzed.
"Yes, Mishoko?"
"There's a gentleman to see you, Mr. Vice-Principal. He says he's
with... er, 'Tenshi Dramatic Productions, Inc.'"
Tsumaranai shrugged. Sure, why not? "Show him in, please." He took a
soothing sip from his coffee mug.
The door opened. "Good morning, Mr. Vice Principal," the man said. A
curvy moustache topped his rather sunken face.
"Good morning, Mister...."
"Tenshi." He handed over a business card. "My company is interested in
having your school put on a play that we've written."
"You'll have to speak to Mr. Kunren about that. As drama club advisor,
that decision is his call, and I don't like to micro-manage my people."
"... and we're prepared to offer compensation to your school." He
proffered a sheet of paper.
Tsumaranai scanned the numbers on the page, and caught his mug before
the coffee could spill in his lap. "Then again, what is an administrator
if not a hands-on participant in the school process?"
"There is one stipulation, though," Mr. Tenshi cautioned. "Due to...
insurance regulations... we must require the lead part in the play to be
performed by...." He pulled out a sheet of paper and began reading as if
quoting directly from it. "'... a martial artist whose initials are
R.S.'"
"That's... quite an unusual stipulation." Sweat beaded onto Tsumaranai's
forehead. "But not a problem for us to meet, not at all."
Mr. Tenshi smiled. "Didn't think it would be."
***
"Now listen up!" The voice of Drama Coach Kunren resonated through the
room, with such force that it nearly shook the walls. "This next scene
is a tender dramatic moment featuring the character played by Ms. Nikai!
It is to be acted with subtlety and tenderness! Is that clear?"
"Yes, teacher," replied aspiring actress Yuka Nikai.
"I can't HEAR you!"
Yuka thrust her head back and her chest as far forward as it would go.
"Yes, teacher!" she said, more loudly than before.
"All right, then! On the count of three, you will commence acting! One!
Two! THREE! Act! Act!"
The rehearsal commenced. Tsumaranai watched intently from a chair in the
corner of the room. Kunren, of course, was Furinkan's former soccer
coach, one of the teachers sent to the United States by the principal to
study and adapt their teaching methods. Nobody quite knew what school he
visited -- if indeed it was a school -- but the approach he brought back
went over so well with the students that, by the end of his third week
back, none of them were willing to play on the team anymore. What to do
with him then? *Put him in charge of the drama club,* a certain genius
in the school administration, whose name Tsumaranai very much hoped
would go unmentioned, had said; *he can't do any real harm there.*
Aaaargh.
##Heh. Drama "Coach". Hee. (Frighteningly enough, the Drama guy at my old
high school was a lot like this...)
<snip>
The kimono-clad transvestite zipped down the stairs. "You can count on
me to handle things here while you're at the play, Ukyo-sama!"
"Thanks," she said with a bit of an uneasy edge in her voice. "Remember,
because I won't be here cooking, I'm letting you give all the customers
a ten percent discount." She eyed him warily. "*Ten* percent. Not
*fifty* percent, not a *hundred* percent. You got that?"
"Of course I understand what ten percent means, Ukyo-sama." He bowed.
##Thereby indicating he had no idea whatsoever, and that financial ruin
would ensue...
"Enjoy your play!"
"Thanks!" Smiling and waving, she followed Tenshi out the door.
<snip>
"Oh, how miserable a life I lead," Ranma recited, with all the passion
and energy of a patient reading the chart at the eye doctor's office.
"If only someone could show me a better way." A chorus of sympathetic
sighs issued from the audience.
##Heh. Easily amused, are the students of Furnikan.
Vice-principal Tsumaranai watched from backstage. "I think we're going
to get through this," he muttered for about the tenth time, thanking the
gods that he'd come up with the idea of letting Ranma read his lines
from cue cards. A stroke of brilliance if ever there was one. If he'd
had to memorize them, they'd have had to keep rehearsing for months.
"But if I must lead such a terrible existence," Ranma continued, "at
least I have my GAME STATION! Game Station offers the finest graphics,
the most innovative and challenging games, and all at a reasonable
price. Order GAME STATION for the game lover in your family TODAY!"
A woman in the front row sniffled. "Oh, what touching drama!"
"And an enriching educational experience for our youth," the man next to
her added.
##Hee! Nice touch, very Takahashi-an.
<snip>
"Good affternoon, Madam." The man with the thick black glasses and
moustache offered a business card. "My name is Doctor Heinrich Tenshi. I
am a psychiatrist. You haff vun Akane Tendo living here, no?"
"No. I mean, yes. We do." Kasumi let out an embarrassed giggle. "A
psychiatrist? How interesting! Would you like some tea? I can tell you
what I think the leaves look like. That's always such a fun game."
##Indicating that she has perhaps been Rorschach'd a few times?
"No thank you, Madam." He stepped inside, hefting a rather large
briefcase. "I vould like to deescuss vith you certain reports that haff
reached my desk concerning zis Miss Tendo."
<snip>
"Well, it wasn't 'all of the sudden.'" Ukyo paused, as if struggling
with some inner conflict. "*I* called him."
"You did?" Ranma scratched his head. "How come?"
She threw her arms open. "Ran-chan, I'm *shocked* to find out that
there's *hitting* going on here!"
##Hah! Shocked! Yes, shocked and appalled! ^_^
"Ranma? Akane?" Mr. Tendo called from across the room. "I think you
should hear what this doctor just told me." They walked over, leaving
Ukyo and Konatsu behind.
<snip>
The young man in the martial arts outfit nodded. "Very well. In truth, I
like not to trust my important business to underlings, but you have
convinced me of your worth. How soon can you start?"
"Right away." Tenshi shook the man's hand. "You've made a wise decision,
Mr. Kuno. With me working for you, that pig-tailed girl will be
*begging* to date with you in *no* time."
##Heheheheheh... (we cut outside the "Tenshi" soundstage, where a diminutive
ninja with buck teeth is parading around with a placard bearing the legend:
"Lackey's Union Local 508" and "No Scabs!" He pauses in his marching and
glares out at the "camera".
"Look," the tiny minion spits, "I know Kleppe hates my guts, but to
replace me with someone even _more_ incompetent... It's an outrage!")
AUTHOR'S NOTES: Yes, I'm actually releasing a finished fic. Yay. :)
This one was written piecemeal at various Sunday night hour writing
challenges on the FFIRC, though I did revise and add some material after
getting to the end. Probably not my best comedy work, but I hope it was
good for a laugh. Please let me know what you thought.
The character Tenshi was inspired by Stuart Margolin's "Angel" on "The
Rockford Files," hence his name -- though as I started plotting the
story, Tenshi developed in a somewhat different direction.
##Yeah, he reminded me more of an incompetent Chili Palmer (Get Shorty, Be
Cool by Elmore Leonard) than Angel. He seemed a little too hard-boiled and
terse for Margolin's goofy fast-talker. Although the schemes worked out
about as well as Angel's tended to... Fun stuff, especially the
Konatsu-commits-Ukyo bit. (And don't think I didn't catch those
"oh-so-subtle" digs at a certain fanfic written by a certain person who is
named after a certain Eastern school of philosophy...)
For those
interested, other work I've got in progress right now includes the
long-delayed chapter six of Hearts and Minds,
##Whee!
and another comedy
one-shot, "The Master's Underthings."
##Err... Kuno story? Featuring (brr) Sasuke? I thought you hated that guy...
Anyway, looking forward to it. Hope this was in some way helpful.
Dave Menard
Hack-o-matic
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