sudden, and I feel my body thrash in pain.  The shock of Vatshu's
135-ton frame hitting the ground proves to be enough to black out even
I, momentarily.

even me.

Better would be "enough to make even me momentarily black out"

    Seeing the young man hesitate my master then almost shouts, "Take
my head and quick about it!"

comma after "hesitate"

    I try to smile, but just glancing at the wounds covering his body
tells me the miniscule chance of his immediate survival.  For a brief

He is already surviving at that moment.

just glancing at the wounds covering his body tells me that his chances
of survival are miniscule.

    It was quiet extensive.

quite

    Within the interior of Vatshu, the Mortar Headd also known as
the Black Knight, I was grateful of the utter silence as the raging
storms of Alma erased the last traces our existence.

traces of our existence

   * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
    * * * * * August 4th, 4102 Joker Calendar * * * * *
    * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

This scene doesn't work because you don't provide enough exposition
in it.  What is the job he's been hired to do?  What's the name of the
planet?  What is he up against?  Briefing/hiring sequences are the 
perfect excuse for an Weberesque infodump, so take advantage of the 
opportunity.

     * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
     * * * * * August 10th, 1988 Anno Domini * * * * *
     * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

This scene _really_ doesn't work for me.  You need to connect Ranma
up with with the Five Stars reality at this point I think (at least by 
showing how he gets transported), not make it look like a completely 
unrelated story somehow wedged in.  Also, if that's the last we'll see
of Kasumi, spending that much time on her thoughts about a life that 
Ranma is apparently going to be forcibly separated from is a bad idea.


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