noirchloe wrote:
Insomnia compells me.
Kanami silently bussed the table in the small cafe she worked at. She
looked towards the front door when she wiped the sweat from her brow. A
small frown forming at her brow when she witnessed Menchi run into the
restaurant.
That last sentence is a fragment. Suggest: forming -- formed
And feel free to disregard anything I say.
Menchi was a perverted little kid around her age, twelve, who took delight
in talking 'dirty' to her and occasionally groping her. She had complained
about his actions, but was told to endure it, in a hope that he would
eventually grow out of this stage.
a hope -- the hope (I think)
And I know who this Menchi is.
She had considered telling Kazuma or Kimishima, but the two hot-heads would
probably only exacerbate the situation by beating on the boy, therefore
incurring the wrath of the Mayor, Menchi's father.
Scryed, right? I've seen one episode, so don't expect me to keep up
with all of this.
Menchi ran swiftly to Natsumi, the owner. She exchanged greetings with him
before bending down to listen to his whispers. Menchi proceeded to nod in
confirmation of his news before running out of the caf�.
whispers. Menchi -- whispers. Menchi (extra space)
An attractive woman in her mid-thirties, Natsumi was a bitter woman. Kanami
had heard she was quite the socialite before the war, being reduced to
running this place when she lost her husband and most of her possessions
during it. She wasn't mean per se, just frustrated. Frustrated at being
reduced in station and having to work for a living in the sole building
remaining that her late husband had owned.
First sentence: Repetition of woman.
She apparently finished her business with the waitresses, apparently deeming
the information not worth imparting on the small girl, she headed back to
the kitchen. As soon as she left the room, a tall man walked in. He was
wearing yellow tinted sunglasses, a big red coat and had platinum-blonde
spiky hair. All told, Kanami found him extremely attractive for a stranger.
He had an imposing presence, not threatening, like some of the outsiders
that found there way into town, but someone who should be treated carefully.
Repetition: apparently.
She went to greet him, dutifully fulfilling one of her assigned tasks and
trusting that he meant no trouble..
Two periods. Should be either three or one (or four) but not two.
"Ah... Hi. Do you by any chance have donuts?" he asked and frowned,
apparently worried that she would answer in the negative. He looked cute
that way, almost begging for a donut, as his mannerisms calmed her. She
fought her desire to have some fun with him.
BGM -- Trigun The First Donuts -- Cynical Pink
She returned his smile, hoping to show her gratitude for his attention.
"This way." They made their way past the two tables populated by families
and arrived at the counter.
Multiple waitresses, and only two tables?
In the kitchen doorway stood Natsumi, staring at the man she just seated.
Who's the last 'she' referenced, here?
Kanami jumped at the mention of her name. Grabbing her cleaning bin, she
made her way over to the mess her boss had made and began to clean up the
broken bits of plates, and food.
plates, and -- plates and (I think)
She glanced at the newcomer. Who waved a donut filled hand towards her,
before taking a huge bite out of it. A smile came unbidden to her lips, a
manifestation of the silliness he displayed.
newcomer. Who -- newcomer, who (though I think you can also leave
it as-is for a stylistic fragment)
Kanami's hand flew to her chest reflexively, securing it before she had a
chance to examine its contents. A wanted poster met her gaze. A brief
description of the man she had recently seated was displayed front and
center, with the caption, "Wanted for, Murder! Destruction of Property!
Public Nuisance! 60,000,000,000,000 Yen reward for capture! Is Armed and
Dangerous. He is also a pacifist." prominently displayed at the bottom.
pacifist." prominently -- pacifist," prominently (I'm _really_ not
sure about this one).
Though I do have to wonder how one can be both armed and dangerous
AND a pacifist....
Her eyes widened as she looked at the description in shock, trying to
associate the man she had met with the man described here. That they were
one and same, was most likely true, but he seemed as harmless as a newborn
babe in person.
here -- there
Does she know him well enough to make that judgment?
"Go make sure he doesn't leave before I get back out there," her boss called
>from the bureau that stood in the corner. She had begun frantically
searching again, for what, Kanami couldn't tell.
from the -- from the (extra space)
The second call broke Kanami of her paralysis, sending the girl stumbling
out the door, with her head spinning from surprise, and the little shaft of
hope that began to circulate in her heart.
'circulating shaft'? Well, you mentioned Menchi earlier, stands to
reason something lemony would sneak in.... ;)
"Mmm these are great," he spoke between bites, a silly grin adorning his
face. "Can I have some more?" he pleaded. A boyish smile of gratitude
exploded onto his face when Miyuki nodded yes and brought the man another
half-dozen.
Even though she's not speaking, Miyuki's action might be better off
in another paragraph. Not sure why, and I'm probably wrong, but....
Kanami caught Miyuki's eye, furrowing her brow, and mouthing a question
concerning the quantity of donuts ordered. After a second of contemplation,
Miyuki flashed her hands nine times, the final time, she only held up two
fingers.
times, the final -- times. The final (I think)
"No way," she said out loud. Hands flying to her mouth, as if to stop the
words from coming out. She looked at Vash again, his plate reduced to two
donuts, in the space of a few seconds. She was forced to considered the
possibility that he really had eaten forty-two donuts since he sat down,
forty-eight now.
Second sentence is a fragment. Maybe: Hands flying -- Her hands flew (?)
down, forty -- I think you might want to replace this comma with a
hyphen or a period. It just feels like a full stop or an interupt would
work better with what's being said.... Not sure, though. :/
"Oh, Ya. Donuts are one of my favorite foods. Yours are the best I've had
in years."
Ya -- ya (or 'yeah')
Miyuki was well ahead of her boss, as another plate appeared in front of
him. He began eating as if he was eating his first food in days, not as a
man attempting to eat his weight in donuts.
Repetition 'eating;eating;eat'.
Kanami, apparently wasn't alone in her sense of trepidation; the other
workers, and even the customers must have felt something in the air, the
tension in the room had become a tactile property. A small bead of water
had formed and was currently trekking down her neck, behind her ear, and was
moving forward, heading towards her chin, all in response to the baleful
quiet that had descended.
Well, more sweat than water.
"You okay, miss?" Vash asked as he helped Natsumi to straighten up and
stand under her own power.
miss -- Miss (I think)
"Y... yes," She said a little hesitantly, looking over his shoulder at her
gun, laying a few feet away.
yes," She -- yes," she (extra space, capitalization)
Disappointment flooded Kanami as she watched the gun go into the criminal's
hand, while he smiled proudly and turned it over in his hand to examining
it. Fear began to take over when she began to wonder if he would hurt
anyone, the poster had mentioned murder and destruction, if she remembered
correctly.
Repetition, 'hand'.
No sound was forthcoming from anyone in the room, the children had followed
the example of the adults, all staring at the strange man.
room, the -- room; the -or- room. The
The entire room went into shock as he took Natsumi's hand and proceeded to
place the gun into it, curling her fingers closed around it while covering
it with his hand. Kanami sat down, something she never did while she
worked, lightheaded from the scare and unable to control her racing heart.
Repetition, 'hand'.
Excitement flooded her as she bolted out of the room, her hope had been
restored, and joy fueled her steps.
room, her -- room; her -or- room. Her
Vash stood up slowly, seeking to appear non-threatening, he held up his
hands.
That sentence seems disjointed, for some reason.
"No, it's the truth. If you let me go, I promise you can capture me after I
'm done." He looked into her eyes, offering all the sympathy he could
muster. "On my honor," he added, hoping to get through to her and avoid a
confrontation. He hated people getting hurt, but it seemed to happen
wherever he went, with growing frequency of late as those bounties kept
popping up.
Looks like your formatting utility ate an "I'm".
His eyes watched her finger on the trigger, as they had been since he turned
around. He had just taken his third little step when he saw the almost
imperceptible movement of the trigger. Taking that as his cue, he bent over
sideways, hearing the sound of the hammer hitting the bullet, and the bullet
traveling through the space his head had just vacated.
had been -- had done (?)
BGM -- Trigun the First Donuts -- Yellow Alert
He made a right at the next intersection, hoping to avoid running into
people, and a sad recap to the last time he was chased through a town, that
had been Tokyo. That had proven embarrassing, he hadn't realized the
people chasing him were guards of the Queen, or that wall he had gone
through would lead to her bedchambers. The activities he had seen in that
room still caused him to blush when he recalled them.
town, that -- town. That (Or like?)
Vash turned around, and witnessed a pair of men wielding swords, take up the
chase.
swords, take -- swords take
An alley conveniently presented itself and he ducked down it, hoping it
would provide cover for his eventual escape. He bent backwards under an
extremely low hanging fire escape, arms flailing wildly as he made the
maneuver off-balance. Righting himself, he headed down the alley, only to
slide to a stop when a small group of people came into view at the exit of
the alley, carrying rifles and pitchforks while singing. The words were
clear enough to cause a deep seeded feeling of dread, as he made out a few
phrases, "We chop of their heads and boil them in oil... They come over here
and we take of their hands."
deap seeded -- deep-seated (Though I could be wrong)
of their -- off their
He filed the information away, along with a mental picture of people he
definitely had to avoid. Turning to head back whence he came, he stopped
abruptly and swore. The pair of men, that had originally chased him, had
spotted him and were headed down the alley.
men, that -- men that him, had -- him had him and were --
him, and were
He heard the cries from the street as he made it to the second floor, and
found a convenient window in front of him. Annoyed when it didn't open, he
tried again, putting his strength into budging the obstinate window, when
the first shotgun blast was fired. The dings he heard when some of the
buck-shot ricocheted off of the iron structure forced Vash into a quick
decision. He braced himself for impact as he threw himself thorough the
glass and was followed closely by another shot, right before the symphony of
destruction began in full force.
thorough -- through (Though he could throw himself thorough through...)
Rolling amidst the glass he stopped to look back at the window, stunned to
see a good portion of the frame gone, removed by the gunfire that was still
blazing, intent on turning the window into a full-sized door.
glass he -- glass, he
And is the gunfire REALLY intent on doing that? If so, how does HE
know that? :p
A young couple turned to look at him from under the covers, that were
partially masking their endeavors, but only partially. He caught ample
sight of ripe melons and a flash of sausage when they turned to face him, to
confirm their actions during this compromising situation.
I see that Menchi's influence is strong on you.
Once he was past that obstacle, he heard an earth-shattering shriek from the
room he had just exited. Ignoring the sound, he concentrated on his escape
and found himself in a living room. Scanning the area as quickly as he
could, he ran to a door on the far-side, believing it to be the exit, from
the assortment of locks fastened to it.
far-side -- far side
Gary Larson comes to mind, but I can't think of anything funny
enough to attribute to him at the moment. Moving on.
exit, from -- exit from
After an extraordinarily long five seconds he found himself in a hallway,
inside a small apartment building he presumed from the appearance. After a
quick check of his bearings he headed towards the door, marked with a dimly
lit exit sign, only to jump back in shock as people burst through that door.
First sentence is awkwardly worded.
"Pervert!" Greeted him right after the doorway gave way to his body mass.
He turned and spied an attractive looking girl with an arm partially
covering her assets, and the other in a follow through motion.
Greeted -- greeted
"Sorry. Accident!" He yelled out. "I didn't see any breasts here."
Accident!" He -- Accident!" he (spacing, capitalization)
He stumbled as another item tagged him, causing him too finally loose his
balance and fall backward. He flailed his arms, muttering about stupid
tomboys, and trying to find a grip to steady himself. A shattered window
was all that came of his attempts, as he fell backwards over the ledge, and
out of the bathroom.
too finally loose -- to finally lose
"Crap!" Were his last words before gravity took over...
Crap!" Were -- Crap!" were (spacing, capitalization)
Though I'd think, 'was his last word' would be more fitting. ;)
Arg. Taking long than I thought -- need to get some sleep. I'll
finish this later.
And seven days later I return. Sorry about that. ^_^;;
Ranma walked slowly through the town, heading towards a diner he had been
told about. He had completed his reconnaissance of the town, committing the
layout and main features to memory. He had talked with a few of the
townspeople, trying to get a feel for the place. Unfortunately, the few
that hadn't bolted at the sight of a stranger didn't mentioned seeing any
other strangers in the past few days. It was a long shot that a local would
talk, but sometimes he got lucky right of the bat, especially when the
person he was looking for had made a nuisance of themselves in town, as
those he would track generally did.
of the bat -- off the bat (I believe)
BGM -- Trigun the First Donuts -- Carrot and Stick
He was trying not to think about that girl's plea when he had parted from
her earlier. Maybe it wasn't a plea, but it felt like one, and for some
reason he was having trouble removing her request from his memory.
Sounds more like Usagi than Minako -- rabbit viruses replicate
themselves in memory so you can't purge them, after all. ;)
Maybe it wasn't her at all, maybe it was his recent sighting of Vash, and
the realization that part of his quest might be completed. The first year
had been a struggle just to survive, and then piecing together a trail for
the two brothers had proven more difficult than imagined at first. It was
almost like Knives had fallen of the planet, or died. That thought also
presented conflicting emotions, he wanted to be the one to take their lives,
not some random happening, or illness.
fallen of the -- fallen off the
Vash, on the other hand, had been spotted. Seen with his own eyes. And his
heart skipped a beat when he thought about it. Finally. Venge
ance for the
fallen.
Formatting error, or did my copy of Mozilla do that?
"Ouch!" he exclaimed, when he felt something sharp bite into his hip,
followed closely by the a small thud. He looked down to see a small girl
sitting on her rear, panting lightly and looking slightly dazed.
Little girl bit him? O_o?
"Hey, Watch where you're going!" The instant he saw the young girl's
cringe, he regretted uttering those words, or at least using that tone. He
had yelled more from annoyance at not sensing her, than any real trouble the
collision had caused him.
Watch -- watch
going!" The -- going!" The (extra space)
girl's cringe -- girl cringe (Actually, I think either could work)
"Um... Sorry. I didn't mean to yell," he said, trying to bite down his
irritation. "You, okay?" He extended a hand to the young girl and felt a
little better about himself when she grasped it with a wan smile.<
br>
Hefting her up a little too quickly for her unsteady legs, she stumbled and
fell into him. She grasped his waist tightly to preventing herself from
falling again.
Um... Sorry. -- Um... sorry.
'bite down'? Perhaps 'bite down on'? Maybe just being too picky.
Feel free to ignore me. ^_^
After a moment for her to capture her bearings, he moved away a step,
keeping a hand on her shoulder to make sure she could stand on her own. He
looked at her fully, for the first time, noting how cute she was for a young
girl, beautiful green eyes, long brown hair, and red bow... His mind
flashed a picture of the Minako, her bow flashing when she turned her head.
own. He -- own. He (extra space)
On this one, you should trail a period or other sentence termination
with either one space (acceptable) or two spaces (out-dated convention
used for older printers, but stull used). Or maybe even three, if you
want to, but you should be consistant about it. If you can use find and
replace, then you could just find all instances of three spaces and
replace them with two. Either way, I won't bother you about this one
again. :p
Ranma turned swiftly, seeing a shrive
led man, wearing a top hat and tails
standing in the street, apparently trying to locate the source of the call.
He froze when he caught a glimpse of the man's the face, not-believing it
could be who it appeared to be.
Formatting error? Mozilla error? Not sure. :p
"Hap... Hap.. Happosai," he stammered out.
Hap.. -- Hap...
"Kanami, my dear. What can I do for you? This isn't about Menchi again? Is
it? He's supposed to be running errands that are more important than his
training." the man said patronizingly.
again? Is -- again, is (I think)
She looked fearful, staring into his face, as she turned and pointed.
Ranma looked in the direction she pointed, the fading image of Lukkosai
marked his course.
She's staring at the same time she's turning and pointing?
"I don't think he's caught anymore," he said, more to himself than to her.
"Go someplace safe, this could get messy," he instructed her and then waited
for her nod of agreement before he ran off in the direction of the now
collapsin
g tower.
You could move both of those sentences into the same paragraph, I think.
BGM -- Trigun the First Donuts -- No Beat
He scanned the area as he ran, impressed with and saddened by the amount of
damage the small town had sustained already. The destruction here put
anything that had happened in Nerima to shame. Houses and buildings were
missing windows, doors, walls, and those were the lucky ones. A few had
caught on fire, and were being ignored by the townspeople other than the
owners or some of the residents of the buildings, threatening to spread the
disaster to the rest of the town. There were other buildings that were now
just rubble, they had most likely imploded from lack of structural support
as they had been dismembered by the rampaging mob and its elusive prey.
Hm. I think the ' other than the owners or some of the residents of
the buildings' bit makes that sentence a tad too busy. Maybe just
'ignored by most'?
A flash of red in a nearby section caught his attention. Hopeful that it
was the correct target, he headed towards some nearby buildings attempting
to cut-off Vash.
Might want to add a comma to the latter part of that sentence. As it
reads, the buildings are trying to cut Vash off.
Moments later, Vash rounded the corner, moving swifter than Ranma remembered
the boy capable of. A short breath, and a quick leap, found him descending
towards the ground, with his legs tucked and tense, ready to strike. He
watched the distance between close as he readied himself, foregoing the
warning cry he would normally shout, feeling that Vash had foregone that
consideration. Timing his impact to a perfection that he had decades hard
for, he took back his movements from gravity and whipped his leg
forward.
leap, found -- leap found
Repetition: foregoing, forgone
'he had decades hard' -- what? This sentence seems to be missing
something.
between close -- between (what?) close (maybe 'them'?)
"Shut up, asshole!" Ranma surreptitiously checked then weapons he carried
and small bracers he had taken to wearing. He wouldn't be fooled by the
fact that Vash appeared to be unarmed. That mistake had cost him dearly
before, and Ranma Saotome never fell for the same tricks twice.
Weapons?
then weapons -- the weapons
tricks --trick (Optional, probably)
BGM -- Shakka Zombie -- Siroi Yami No Naka
"I won't go easy on you because you're not defending yourself!" Ranma
screamed. His fist impacted on the boy, hitting square in the jaw and
knocking him through the air and into the nearby wall. Vash indented into
the wall, and then hung there for a second before sliding down onto his
knees, leaving a nice Vash-shaped imprint.
Ouch.
"Pathetic!" he spat. Hoping to get a rise out the boy and make this into a
real contest.
spat. Hoping -- spat, hoping (the fragment doesn't quite work as it is)
"You're going to suffer like I have. Like pops did. Like Ukyou did!" he
cried. He was letting his rage overtake him as he lifted the boy again and
punched him, as hard as he could manage in the gut.
pops -- Pops
him, as -- him as
"You're sorry!' Ranma roared and threw the other boy back across the alley,
quickly running at him again.
sorry!' -- sorry!" (quotation. ;)
"Venus Love Me Chain!"
Oh, this'll be good.
BGM -- Trigun the First Donuts -- Blood and Thunder
"Stop it!" The one in orange trim yelled. The same one that had shot that
glowing chain at him.
glowing chain -- glowing chain (extra space)
Ranma tensed as she along with the Senshi in red trim rushed him, while the
last one, the one with that nasty looking pole-arm walked behind them.
she along with -- she, along with
The one in orange slowed, letting her companion take the lead. Ranma didn't
have time to consider what their tactics meant as the red one leapt at him,
committing herself to her attack.
He does know that 'the red one' is Mars through Venus's comment.
"We won't let you hurt a helpless man!" The orange-one shouted.
man!" The -- man!" the
"Shit!" he yelled, watching as Vash was creeping down the alley.
'was creeping' is a kind of a weak delivery -- maybe just 'crept'?
And would Vash run? Ranma was his friend. Ranma, if anyone can,
would be able to understand Vash. Why doesn't Vash try to explain himself?
The air appeared to shimmer in front of Ranma, and he collided with a solid
force and rebounded against it, landing on his rear. Growling, he quickly
got to his feet, ignoring the running he heard behind him as he tried to
examine the solid wall of air in front.
Why would they let Vash get away, and keep Ranma there?
"Why can't you leave him to us?" The blonde called from behind him.
us?" The -- us?" the0
"How?" Rei said. "You saw him. We can't take him unless we fight all out."
said -- asked (suggestion :p)
BGM -- Trigun the First Donuts -- Big Bluff
"Right." Hotaru agreed.
Right." Hotaru -- Right," Hotaru
Vash raced ahead, his remarkable healing process quickly correcting a lot of
the damage that had been done. He needed to find a way to talk to Ranma and
find out exactly what had happened. Unfortunately he hadn't a clue as to
how to go about it. He knew from experience that Ranma would only back down
and listen _after_ the fighting had been settled. That apparently wasn't an
option in this case, because Vash really believed that if he allowed Ranma
to settle this, it would be with his death, an unacceptable proposal at this
time.
Okay, that explains a bit.
He had been overjoyed that Ranma had lived, rumors abounded, but he had seen
no trace of his adoptive brother since the war. He had assumed the boy
dead, ignoring the rumors of "Ranma the Relentless" as coincidence, and not
the boyhood friend he had grown to miss.
lived, rumors -- lived; rumors (I think)
I would suggest using single quotes to offset Ranma's title, but I'm
not certain what the actual conventions are, so feel free to ignore me.
After running into and eluding another posse of townspeople, he found
himself in a quiet section of town, spying an open door he jumped inside,
hoping to catch his breath and try and figure out a way to stop this
insanity.
town, spying -- town. Spying (I would suggest)
'this instanity' I would suggest 'the insanity', but I don't
honestly know why I would. :/
"Hehe," he giggled. "Did I forget to pay?" he asked as he slumped to the
floor, mentally fatigued.
Hah!
The three Senshi in town were frantically trying to catch up with either
Vash or Ranma. They hoped if they could capture Vash, they could then take
him back to Crystal Tokyo, removing him from Ranma's vicinity, thus
preventing a possible murder. If not, they hoped to find Ranma and either
talk him out of executing said crime and possible leading them to Vash, or
just leading them to Vash so they could capture him, returning to the
capital with their mission completed and murders avoided.
possible -- possibly
"Ah... Sir., Do you know you're destroying your own town?" Mars asked,
wondering what kind of mayor would put his town through the destruction they
had been witnessing.
Sir., Do -- Sir. Do -or- Sir, do
town?" Mars -- town?" Mars
"Huh," the man said, noticing the girls for the first time. His eyes bugged
out and he leapt into the air. "My poor town, please console me as it's
destroyed."
Should that be an exclamation?
The three women were caught off guard as the man latched onto Rei's bosom.
"Ah, your sympathy is overwhelming," he cried as he nuzzled in deeper.
Mars' temper exploded. "Gah!" she cried and gripped the old lecher by his
scruff and slammed him to ground.
Repetition: 'cried'.
Also, 'his scruff'? I think you mean the 'scruff of his neck'.
"That's commendable, Mr. Mayor," Saturn said sympathetically. Mars felt
like throttling the man. He wasn't accomplishing anything but destroying his
town. At this rate, any money the received would have to be spent rebuilding
what they had an hour ago, not adding any industry to the place. A thought
crossed Mars' mind as she wondered about this man's plans.
I imagine that 60 trillion yen would go quite a way.
"You're destroying your town, for a few bras!?!"
Extraneous punctuation?
"Not just bras, but panties, and nighties, and slips and all for the comfort
of the women of the world. They can no longer be subjected to the cruel
inhumanities of wearing old, destroyed, and cotton garments next to their
bodies!" He raised a fist triumphantly as he concluded his speech.
If I didn't know any better, I'd say you were channeling the spirit
of Corwin. But then I guess that the spirit of Corwin is within all of
us. ;)
"He just wants better material to steal." One of the men around the table
said under their breath.
steal." One -- steal," one
After a quick scan of the area proved inconclusive Mars returned her
attention and her glares to the old man. "What already!"
What already -- What, already
BGM -- Trigun the First Donuts -- Perfect night
His Cheshire Cat imitation belied their apprehension, causing Mars a
seemingly unlimited source of irritation and anger since they had approached
him. She wanted to just leave him, but something compelled her to stay and
get answers from him, and she hated that.
Repetition, 'him'.
Smiling smugly, extremely satisfied with the disposition of the drawing, Rei
walked over to the remnants of the portable studio. Picking up the two
halves of the unauthorized portrait, she proceeded to shred them into the
smallest pieces she could.
'disposition'?
"My Masterpiece!" Lukkosai shouted. He rushed to Mars, catching the papers
as they fell from her hands, weeping profusely.
Masterpiece -- masterpiece
The ground shook again, and a cowboy cry of "Woo Hoo!" carried over the
Mayor's sobs.
of "Woo Hoo -- of "Woo hoo (extra space, and I don't know if the
second word should be capitalized).
The three Senshi turned to witness a behemoth of a man, slowly walking down
the street, a man sitting in what appeared to be a control booth on his
shoulder. The monster, for no man could be that sized, must have stood
twenty feet tall, with bulging muscles on his already oversized forearm.
His right hand and forearm were covered with a metal gauntlet, and their
seemed to be some kind of engine on his back. Maybe the oddest thing was
his had, a metallic funnel, that looked like a small tapered chimney had
wafts of steam or smoke coming out of it.
his had -- his head (I believe)
"I can't believe you let them go?!?" One of the sycophants said. Mars was
only half listening, watching the lumbering monstrosity travel down the
road.
go?!?" One -- go!" one (doesn't sound like a question, really)
Ranma spotted Vash ducking into a small restaurant, and smiled. It had
taken a while for him to locate his little mouse again, but the cat now had
the mouse cornered, and the game would soon be over.
Wonder when the damage to his knee will come into play here....
He checked his blade, intending to end it quickly, anxious to meet out his
own justice for the departed, lest someone or something interrupt him again.
meet out -- mete out (I believe)
Reaching the door, he took a deep breath, palming the handle on the knife.
He blurred in motion, flinging the door wide he glided into the room.
in motion -- into motion
"Ain't gunna happen." He said, eyeing the women aiming at him. He could
see all their eyes and hands. "Perfect," he thought smugly, as he began his
move. Flaring his chi first to create an afterimage of himself, he moved as
fast as he was able, trusting his small illusion to throw off the aim of the
women.
gunna -- gonna (?)
A slow movement in the corner, diverted his attention, inducing him to raise
his rifle in response. "Don't try it."
He's holding a rifle in one hand?
The leader, who had been attempting to turn her gun on him, stopped, and
quickly placed the nozzle against Vash's head again.
nozzle -- muzzle (I think. I'm not a gun expert. Judges?)
Something was approaching, Ranma's intuition told him. After learning to
follow his senses he stopped and began looking around while he strained to
find the source of his disquiet. He heard what sounded like a rocket launch
>from some distance away.
Woah, that's a little convoluted on that second sentence. Might want
to explain when he had learned to trust his instincts, and that he
didn't manage to do it right then and there.
"Get Down!" He turned and dived over Kanami, covering her with his body
when the wall caved in, and debris covered them.
Well, probably a fraction before the debris covered them, really. ;)
Notes: Thanks go out to Corwin, Merc, Falacy, MADS, and Lalandil for the
patience, help and support with this adventure. Also to those who commented
on prior chapters. Scryed was added because of my love for Kanami and it
filled in the pieces I was missing when creating this world the characters
are playing on. Anyway, I hope you enjoyed.
I did enjoy it. The C&C would have come a lot sooner, except that
nagging little 'real life' thing that goes on from time to time, you
know. ;)
Now, to see if I can finish C&Cing everything else in my backlog....