ok, here's some C&C
like a certain noteable author has stated: this is just my
oppinion, feel free to ignore, use, or discard it.
I have just included the relavent bits, as to save some poor ffml
members hotmail accounts ^_^;
my spellchecker is not working, so i appologize for aney spalling
arrors ^_^
It is with my hope that this will force you to deal with
your
obsessions and regain the small part of you I respected. You
were once far
better then you are now, Mousse. One can only hope that this
will force you
to straighten up and fly right.
Cologne"
You know, i like it when cologne is portrayed as being more
grandmotherly than trollish.
bravo!
***
As he finished reading the letter, his eyes began to fill
with tears
and unspoken emotions. He calmly put the letter back into the
envelope and
shook back as many tears from his eyes as possible. Stumbling,
he rose and
went to the panty
um....has he turned into happosai?....SWEETO!!
. There, in a deep shelf, he found the one thing that could
satisfy him in this time of extreme pain.
...SWEETO! sorry, just seemed appropriate...
His heart shattered into a
thousand pieces as he grabbed the bottle of Sake from the
cabinet and a
glass. Slowly the boy proceeded back to the counter and sat
back down. The
tears flowed fast from his eyes now as he uncapped the bottle
and poured a
large amount of the potent liquid into it. As he took his first
sip, his
tears came down in full force as an emotional dam broke in his
heart.
Mousse, for the first time in his life, was well and truly
alone.
um, what about when he was coming to nerima?
"Yes. Since this morning when I read the letter from
Shampoo." Mousse
said softly as he put his glass back down and sighed softly.
"Why did you do
it, Nabiki? Why did you ruin any chance I may have had to win
her heart?"
Um...i thought the letter was from collogne? or is there another
letter?
"Because I wanted to solve some problems for my sister.
Contrary to
popular belief, I actually want Ranma and Akane to get married.
Ok...this is much diferent than the usual interpertation. i mean
she DID invite all those people, and was smileing as they wrecked
the wedding...
"I don't know who I am and I don't know who you are,
Mousse. That is
part of the reason why I did this." Nabiki turned and looked at
the boy for
a moment before continuing. "Mousse, Shampoo doesn't love you.
She never did
and she never will. She told me this when we were looking for a
way for her
to annul her engagement to Ranma. She doesn't even like you
like a friend
anymore. So I decided to help her and you out."
Woa, shampoo went and ACTIVELLY tried to annull the marrige?
after bombing the wedding, i would say that this is fairly odd
behavior. i would think that she would fight the verry idea
tooth and nail... collogne, i can see though. shampoo went
waaayyy downhill when she went to nerima.
"And you weren't ruining your own life by fawning over
Shampoo,
Mousse?" Nabiki asked, her voice surprisingly flat."Seems to me
that you're
just mad because your obsessions are gone."
IMO, i would think that he would just go nuts and travel off to
catch up with shampoo and collogne...ok maybe not collogne. i
mean he allready did track her to nerima once...
Nabiki began to say something but then stopped, her lips
pursing into a
tight seam. She rose out of her seat and walked to the door. As
she reached
the door, she stopped and turned. Her eyes caught a sight of
the defeated
Chinese boy, still slumped over the bottle he had been drinking
from. "You
know Mousse, I almost assumed you were stronger then this. But
you're
nothing but a quitter. You're worse then Ranma could ever be.
Shampoo should
be glad she doesn't have to deal with a failure like you
anymore." Her voice
cracked slightly as she finished her statement, but she held
her emotions
fast and left the Nekohanten.
Eh? i dont quite get the "worse than ranma" remark. he's
anything but a quitter. remember the chestnut fist training?
Nabiki Tendo approached her house and saw Ranma Saotome
fly out of the
door, his feet carrying him away from the dojo as fast as
humanly possible.
Nabiki could hear his screaming from nearly a quarter mile away
from the
house, and as she got closer and saw him running by her only
one thing could
she discern from Ranma's screaming:
"UN-CUTE TOMBOY!!!!!!!!!"
He roared by her, the wind flipping up her skirt and
showing off her
trim legs to the cats and dogs that lay in the street paralyzed
by Ranma's
screaming. She smoothed her skirt and approached the house,
only to see
Akane come out, her mallet in hand and her anger evident from a
mile away.
"JERK!!!!!!" She screamed over and over, her voice causing
the
previously paralyzed dogs and cats to writhe in another
shockwave of pain.
"What's going on?" Nabiki asked as she reached over and
took the mallet
out of Akane's hands.
Ouch, this is a bit extreme...the poor animals ^_^;
"...Wouldn't. Even. Taste. It." was all Akane could mutter
as she
stormed back into the house. Nabiki sighed and dropped the
surprisingly
heavy hammer to the ground as she walked into the house. As she
came in, she
could see the house was in shambles. Splatters of organic
looking material,
food, dishes and other assorted culinary items were strewn
around the walls
of the room. A shocked and ashen Soun Tendo sat with Genma
Saotome, their
shogi board covered in miso soup and an unidentified organism
that looked
almost human. Kasumi stood in the doorway to the kitchen, her
head shaking
slightly.
For some reason, this brings to mind the image of an alien hive.
you know, aliens? the big, black, crawl-on-the-wall,
burst-out-your-chest, type alien.
"Let me guess. Akane tried to cook again." Nabiki said
tiredly, her
eyes scanning for a place to sit and not stain her clothes. She
found it and
sat at the one spot at the table that wasn't covered with food.
"Not cook. Create new life from beef stew." Kasumi said
with a smile,
her own eyes looking tired. She sat across from Nabiki, her
hands wiping up
a bit of soup with a rag before she sat. "I left for the market
and by the
time I got back, Akane had taken over the kitchen. I could do
very little as
she had the kind of eyes that told me she was determined to do
something. I
had hoped she would succeed for once."
Usually she's not demonic food bad...just bad food bad. oh well.
this is coming from someone who's in the middle of writeing about
a necrorecipiecon (cookbook of the dead) fic... ^_^;;
"You will assist me in becoming a partner with Ukyou in
her restaurant
and we will build both restaurants up into one unified project.
The earning
split will 85 percent to Ukyou and I with she and I splitting
the money
equally and 15 percent to you. You will also receive a residual
payment upon
the sale of the Nekohanten, which you will assist in. You will
help me
enroll at Furnikan High school so I can obtain my high school
diploma. I
know the immigration service will eventually look at me for
deportation so
you will get them the hell off my back.
This seems a little mature for him to be doing...and he could
manage the resturaunt himself, ukyou seems to manage doing it
herself just fine. oh well. you seem not to be discussing his
motive.
"And finally, you will allow me to take Akane under my
wing for one
week of intense cooking training at the new restaurant while
she is on
break. I am sick and tired of Ranma and Akane's fights over
food and I feel
that if they are destined to marry, she should be able to cook.
I will teach
her the way I was taught. Roughly." Mousse paused and took a
deep breath,
his voice ragged from the many hours of drinking. "As much as I
hate you
Nabiki, I'm swallowing my pride in coming to you. You've
decided to
intertwine yourself in my life. Now I'm going to make sure you
and I are
intertwined for good because if I go down in flames I'm sure as
hell going
to take you with me."
Urm...even nodoka couldnt get her to slow down and pay attention
to what she was doing. although i can just picture the scene:
mousse: NO! you do NOT add the rice untill AFTER the water has
started boiling! ::smacks her hands with a spoon::
akane: GRRR....
mousse: ARGH, YOU DO NOT ADD OIL TO THE WATTER TO MAKE IT BOIL
FASTER!!::smacks her hands with a spoon again::
akane: GRRRRRR...
mousse: AAHHHHH!!! WHERE DID YOU GET THAT MOTOR OIL FROM?!
:smacks her hands with a spoon::
akane: GRRR!! MOUSSE NO BAKA!! ::mallets him though the roof::
"The sheer fact that you must be poorer then usual to do
something this
heinous to me. You ruined my life, Nabiki," Mousse replied
darkly. "I should
be destroying this house and everyone in it for your act
against me. But I'm
not because I took a long time to think after you left. I'm no
quitter and
I'm not a failure. I'm going to prove it to you and everyone
else here by
using you to get what I want." His face was pale and flushed
but he
soldiered on in his words. "You know I will do it if you
refuse. And
remember, we're talking about a very profitable deal here.
Steady,
guilt-free money for your family on the back of someone you
violated. It's
an offer I don't think you can refuse."
"I'll have to think on it..." Nabiki started, but was cut
off as she
looked at Mousse's face. His eyes burned laser beams into hers
and she
paralyzed for a moment. His sheer anger seemed to radiate off
of him
brighter then any of Ranma's energy fields.
"You have 60 seconds to decide. Otherwise, I start
breaking windows and
glasses here. And anyone who gets in my way will be hurt."
Mousse said
calmly, his anger beginning to crystallize into something more
then rage.
Actually, this last part seems rather in character (compared to
what he's been doing the entire story up to this point at least).
although i would think that nabiki would try to get a little
higher percentage for it... i wonder what ukyo is going to have
to say about this...
ukyo: you sold off HOW MUCH OF MY PROFITS?! MOUSSE NO BAKA
::spatula to the head::
Mousse awoke with a start, and then a groan as the pain of
a massive
hangover began to sweep over him. It was dark. The bed he laid
on was soft,
softer then he expected. He looked down and saw the sheets of
the bed. They
were soft, girlish looking. He rolled his head over and saw the
content face
of Kasumi lying next to him. Her clothing was still on, but her
breathing
was slow and sure. She seemed so peaceful. Mousse began to
blanche over with
fear.
GACK! I thought she was going to fix him a bed in the
attic...hm...isnt that where the dread demon happosai lurks? ok,
as long as akane dosn't come in and mallet him for being a
"pervert" with her sister...
ok, my overall impression of this fic was that it was out of
character for quite a few of the characters...they were all
acting MUCH too mature. except for ranma. and akane. soun was
waayyy out of character as was genma. they should have been
crying (that their children were getting along so well and the
schools would be united soon) or crying (that their children
hated eachother and the schools would never be united). other
than that... grammer looks good (it's readable, unlike my
comments ^_^;;) punctuation dosn't have any gross glaring errors.
spelling looks ok (like i'm one to talk...) um...the story itself
is allright, aside from the ooc-ness factor. personally, i dont
mind it, but some pureists are going to be irritated.
later,
_tc_
-who is finally starting to c&c again. and will hopefully keep
it up.
***************************************************************
* He wasnt worried, the monsters didnt stand a chance once
* he transformed.
*
* And with an insane smile he lifted the little handle
* with the little frying pan on top above his head
* and yelled out "Feline frictionless power, BLOW UP!!"
***************************************************************
" 'dead men dont...die' ... OK so maybe it needs a little
work..."
- Sam Becket
.---Anime/Manga Fanfiction Mailing List----.
| Administrators - ffml-admins@anifics.com |
| Unsubscribing - ffml-request@anifics.com |
| Put 'unsubscribe' in the subject |
`---- http://ffml.anifics.com/faq.txt -----'