Following is chapter 12 of "Reforming Evil Can Be Tricky," an
improvisational fanfiction hosted at Indie Madnesse
(http://indiemadnesse.sandwich.net).
This chapter was written by the MultiMediocre Knight
(multimediocreknight@yahoo.com), who is also the series's creator.
* * * * *
---------------
o/~ Wai! Wai! Wai! Wai! Wai! Wai! Wai! Wai! Wai! Wai! Wai! Wai! Wai! Wai!
Wai! Wai! Wai! Wai! Wai! Wai! Wai! Wai! Wai! Wai! Wai! Wai! Wai! Wai! Wai!
Wai! Wai! Wai! Wai! Wai! Wai! Wai! Wai! o/~
"WILL SOMEONE TURN THAT *OFF*?" the production manager yelled.
"But siiiiiiiiir," a stagehand said, "the last author left a tape of it
behind for us and it's so cooooooooooooooool!"
"GODDAMNIT!" the production manager yelled, throwing a bottle of water at
the stagehand. He brushed his long brown hair out of his face and adjusted
his suit jacket. "Ladies and gentlemen," he said, turning to the audience,
"We apologize for this temporary setback. As *soon* as the scheduled author
appears, we *promise* to start today's episode as sched-
o/~ Wai! Wai! Wai! Wai! Wai! Wai! Wai! Wai! Wai! Wai! Wai! Wai! Wai! Wai!
Wai! Wai! Wai! Wai! Wai! Wai! Wai! Wai! Wai! Wai! Wai! Wai! Wai! Wai! Wai!
Wai! Wai! Wai! Wai! Wai! Wai! Wai! Wai! o/~
"JESUS!" the production manager yelled, knocking a stack of papers off his
desk. "WHAT IS WITH YOU PEOPLE?"
"But siiiiiiiiir," a stagehand said, "it's cuuuuuuuuuuuuute!"
"I *HATE* CUTE!" the production manager yelled, grabbing his clipboard off
his desk and smacking the stagehand over the head with it.
"Ow!" the stagehand pouted.
The production manager grabbed the tag around his neck reading "RECBT on
IM - Official Staff - Don Callis" and thrust it into the stagehand's face.
"DO YOU KNOW WHO YOU'RE MESSING WITH? I REPRESENT THE *NETWORK*! DO YOU WANT
ME TO SEND YOU DOWN TO STUDIO SIX AND HAVE YOU SPEND THE REST OF YOUR CAREER
AS A GOFER FOR CHARLES OF "CHOSEN WARRIORS"? *DO* YOU?"
"NO, SIR!" the stagehand yelled, backing away.
"Bah." Apparently suddenly calm again, the production manager brushed the
hair out of his face again and turned back to the audience. "Ladies and
gentlemen, we apologize once again for this slight delay of events. We
promise that as *soon* as our scheduled author appears, we can b-
"o/~ Wai! Wai! Wai! Wai! Wai! Wai! Wai! Wai! Wai! Wai! Wai! Wai! Wai! Wai!
Wai! Wai! Wai! Wai! Wai! Wai! Wai! Wai! Wai! Wai! Wai! Wai! Wai! Wai! Wai!
Wai! Wai! Wai! Wai! Wai! Wai! Wai! Wai! o/~"
"WHAT IN THE H-"
"o/~ Wai! Wai! Wai! Wai! Wai! Wai! Wai! Wai! Wai! Wai! Wai! Wai! Wai! Wai!
Wai! Wai! Wai! Wai! Wai! Wai! Wai! Wai! Wai! Wai! Wai! Wai! Wai! Wai! Wai!
Wai! Wai! Wai! Wai! Wai! Wai! Wai! Wai! o/~" Tiffany Lords sang as she
bounced by in the background. "o/~ Wai! Wai! Wai! Wai! Wai! Wai! Wai! Wai!
Wai! Wai! Wai! Wai! Wai! Wai! Wai! Wai! Wai! Wai! Wai! Wai! Wai! Wai! Wai!
Wai! Wai! Wai! Wai! Wai! Wai! Wai! Wai! Wai! Wai! Wai! Wai! Wai! Wai! o/~"
The production manager facepalmed.
"Has anybody seen the author around?" Kim's wife asked, walking into the
shot with a script in her hand.
"Not yet," the production manager said, doing his best to maintain his
composure and turning to Kim's wife. "What seems to be the problem?"
"Well, for starters," Kim's wife said, holding up the script, "all this
says in it is 'I don't know; make something up'."
"Y-es," he cautiously began, "we're back to the original author of this
series again."
"Oh, *swell*," Kim's wife said, rolling her eyes, "that's just *great*."
"Anything else?" the production manager asked.
"Well, it doesn't say what my name will be this time around," she said.
"Ah," he deadpanned. "Well, I'm sure he'll think of something."
"Oh, *joy*."
"Has anyone seen the author anywhere?" a blue-haired man called, wandering
around through the studio followed by a red-haired woman.
"He isn't here yet," the production manager called. "Problem?"
"We don't know what our roles in this series are yet!" the man said.
"It sucks!" the woman added.
"You shouldn't use that languag-"
"Shut *up*, James." Whack.
"Ow! Jessie!" James whined, rubbed his arm.
"Don't worry," the production manager said. "He told me he's got something
planned for you two."
"Oh, *joy*," Jessie muttered.
"Once again, ladies and gentlemen," the production manager said to the
audience, "we are *very* sorry for this del-"
"Moo!"
He turned to the fuku-clad bovine interrupting him. "Can I help-"
"Moo."
"No I *haven't* seen him, we're still w-"
"Moo."
"What about i-"
"Moo!"
"Well, I think it looks very *fetching* on-"
"MOO!"
"Damnit, You're a *cow*! *Everything* makes you look fat!" the production
manager blurted out.
Both Kim's wife and Jessie instinctively winced.
Seconds later, the Author nearly suffered death by trampling as he just
barely managed to dive out of the way of a fleeing production manager and a
pink fuku-clad cow as he entered the studio.
"Huh," he said, a large sweatdrop adorning the back of his head.
---
*-------------------------------------------------------------------------*
| REFORMING EVIL CAN BE TRICKY! |
| |
| Chapter 12 - They're Just Happy To See You |
| |
| This story originally started by James Howard, the MultiMediocre Knight |
| This chapter written by James Howard, the MultiMediocre Knight |
*-------------------------------------------------------------------------*
---
Previously, on "Bottom":
"Eddy, you killed him!"
"I never touched him!"
"No, but the frying pan did and you were holding it at the time!"
"Eh... uh... bollocks! *You* killed him! He was dead before he hit the
ground!"
"Well, why'd you keep hitting him with the frying pan, then?"
"...For fun!"
Previously, on "Reforming Evil Can Be Tricky":
- KIM KAPHWAN made his TRIUMPHANT RETURN TO THE CAST. He was promptly
SUCKED
into a LARGE and TROUBLESOME SITUATION, as...
- ROY, TIFFANY and BOMAN arrived at GEDO HIGH looking to extract REVENGE
for
the ANONYMOUS GRAFFITI on the SCHOOL GATES of PACIFIC HIGH. Since the
GRAFFITI was ANONYMOUS, they assumed that OBVIOUSLY it was GEDO HIGH's
fault.
It's worth noting that PACIFIC HIGH and GEDO HIGH have a POINTLESS AND
UNEXPLAINED RIVALRY, similar to the rivalry of BLACK SPY and WHITE SPY.
- The INTERRUPTING COW was ASSIGNED to PLAINCLOTHES DUTY. I am KIDDING when
I say "PLAINCLOTHES DUTY", of course, because her mission was to DRESS IN A
PINK FUKU and PRETEND TO BE A STUDENT AT GEDO HIGH. I SWEAR I am not MAKING
THIS UP.
- RYUJI YAMAZAKI and IORI YAGAMI were sent to GEDO HIGH via the SUBWAY.
IORI stole a VENDING MACHINE in his endless pursuit of ALCOHOL, RYUJI swore
a LOT, and KYO KUSANAGI happened to DIE. In other words, NOTHING out of the
ORDINARY happened.
- ROY and TIFFANY vs. KIM and AKIRA was INTERRUPTED by DAN and SIEGFRIED,
who had underwent a GIMMICK CHANGE and came out the other end as TEAM ROCKET
2000. Don't ask me WHY.
- RYUJI and IORI happened to arrive at THIS TIME. ROCKET DAN chose RYUJI as
the GUINEA PIG for his NEWEST INCREDIBLE ATTACK: the DAN DAN [THRUST].
I'd say MORE about it, but whenever I THINK about it, I suffer a FIT of
HELPLESS GIGGLING.
- ROY, TIFFANY and BOMAN were thus RECRUITED BY KIM to DEVOTE THEIR
PRECIOUS TIME TO REFORMING THOSE WHO HAVE STRAYED FROM THEIR PATHS OF LIFE.
If this seems like a BIT OF A LEAP OF LOGIC to you, you aren't FAMILIAR with
the SERIES. Not that I can BLAME YOU.
- OTHER STUFF that I'm PROBABLY FORGETTING happened, so you should probably
GO BACK AND READ THE LAST CHAPTER ANYWAY. In fact, you should probably READ
ALL THE CHAPTERS BEFORE THIS ONE, because otherwise THIS STORY WILL NOT MAKE
A WHOLE LOT OF SENSE. But I suppose YOU ALREADY KNEW THAT.
- ONWARD! *cough* 'Scuse me. Onward!
---
"Mom?" Don Kaphwan said, popping his head into the Sewing Room of Justice
High.
"Yes, dear?" Sarah Kaphwan said, restitching the "Y" back onto the back of
her black leather jacket.
"Phone." Don walked in and handed her the cordless phone.
"Thanks, dear," she said. "Hello?"
"...Where... is... Kim?" a familiar voice rasped on the other end of the
phone.
Sarah sighed (#24, the "Oh, For God's Sakes, It's Someone *Else* Out To Get
Kim" sigh). "He's at Gedo High. School starts in about half an hour, though,
so if you're out for his blood or his eternal soul, you'd better hurry up
and get there."
"...Excellent. Thank... you... very much," the voice rasped and hung up.
Sarah went back to repairing her jacket. She almost had the "Y" completely
back on when she figured out who that was.
"Oh," she said. "Him."
Her face suddenly developed an evil grin (unnumbered) and she picked up the
phone again. She quickly dialed a number and waited for an answer, giggling
evilly to herself.
"Sorry, we're closed," a female voice answered.
"Hi," Sarah said.
"Oh! Kimona!" the voice answered, perking up.
"Sarah," Sarah corrected.
"Whatever. Hi! How's it going?"
"Great. Listen, I just found out something you'll be *very* interested
in..."
---
Meanwhile, at Dennis Miller's house...
"I can't *believe* you can get all long distance calls up to twenty minutes
for under two dollars without switching phone companies!" Dennis Miller
chuckled, eating toast.
---
"Man, I can't believe you!" Lucky Glauber said.
"Dee," Heavy D! said, lying on a couch in the Staff Lounge of the
newly-reconstructed Gedo High. At the base of the couch lay a large pile of
empty pop cans.
"Man, that's just an urban legend!" Lucky said.
"Dee!" Heavy D! shot back, opening and guzzling a Coke.
"Man, listen. There ain't no proof that you can't burp lying down, and
there ain't no proof that you'll let out a monster burp when you get back up
again. Why you gotta test it, man?"
"Dee."
"Look, man, what if it *is* true? You might lose your voice, or have your
lungs explode or somethin'!"
"...Dee?"
"Look, man, come on. We gotta go. School starts in twenty-five minutes, and
we gotta teach our science class."
"Dee!" D! snapped, crossing his arms.
"Dude, that *ain't* a scientific experiment. Come *on*, man!"
"Dee!"
"Look, man, come *on*!" Lucky yelled, and pulled D! up by the arm.
"DEE!" D! yelled, shaking his head. "DEE! DEE! D-" Heavy D!'s cheeks
bulged.
"Yipe!" Lucky dived behind a chair.
"*BLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRRRP*," D!
burped, the shockwaves knocking over furniture.
Lucky crawled out from under the overturned chair. "Dude!" he said.
D! nodded.
Lucky started out the door. "Well, come on, man. We gotta go."
"CHICKENS! Phhhhhht!" D! said. He clamped a hand to his mouth and stared
downwards towards his mouth in shock.
"Man, what the *hell*?" Lucky yelled?
"CHICKENS!" D! said around his hand. He clamped both hands over his mouth
and nervously looked towards Lucky.
"Dude," Lucky said uneasily, "are you alright?"
"CHKNPHHH!" D!'s voice came from behind his hands.
Lucky backed out through the door. "Look... man, I'm gonna get a doctor,
okay? You wait there." And with that, he took off.
D! stared at the door. "Phhhht," he said dejectedly behind his hands.
---
"Did you hear?" one schoolgirl squealed to another as they walked to Gedo
High School.
"What? What?"
"I heard that new Geography teacher hired students from Justice High!"
"Justice High? Whoa! Weird!"
"I heard they're out to get all our 'delinquents'!"
"What are 'delinquents'?"
"I dunno. Hey, let's rob that grocery store over there before we get to
school, 'kay?"
"Okay!"
---
"Well, nice talking to you again, Sarah. Thanks for the tip. Yes, I know,
I owe you one. Okay, bye!" the woman who had been talking to Kim's wife hung
up the phone and headed for the door.
"Where are you going?" another woman asked. "Aren't you helping us clean up
the place?"
"I just got some great news. Take over for me for a while, 'kay?" the first
woman said, heading out the door and towards her purple convertible.
---
"Gedo High?" the storekeeper asked. "You turn right at Depressing World
Street and keep going until you hit Unpleasant Memories Avenue. Turn left
there and go down for a couple blocks and you'll hit Crippling Angst Road.
It's right on the corner."
"Strange... street names." the white-haired man rasped, taking out his
wallet and digging out coins to pay for his bottle of water.
"Well, you know, in this neighbourhood..."
"FREEZE, PIG$&#^ERS!" came a yell, followed by the sound of gunfire and
windows breaking.
"Ack!" the white-haired man said, diving behind a display.
The storeowner turned to face the opening door.
"Good morning, ladies," he said, his pleasant demeanor unchanged. "How can
I help you this fine morning?"
"Alright, %#@@*," one schoolgirl said, pushing her uzi up underneath the
storeowner's nose. "Hand over the $^&@ing money."
The other schoolgirl began stuffing cigarettes and gum into her schoolbag,
keeping her gun trained on the storeowner.
"I see," the storeowner said.
"No $&#%ing tricks, either," the second one added.
"Paper or plastic?" he asked.
"Plastic," the first one said.
He casually opened his till and dumped it into a plastic bag, handing it
over to the first schoolgirl.
"Have a nice day," he bowed.
"You too," the second one muttered as the two of them left the store.
The white-haired man crawled out from behind the display and
sweatdropped. "What..."
"Like I said, in this neighbourhood..." the storeowner shrugged
good-naturedly.
"Uh," the white-haired man rasped, blinking.
"You can follow them if you want to find the school," the storeowner said
helpfully.
"Uh... thank... you... very much." the white-haired man rasped, bowing
slightly as he exited the store.
"Well," he thought to himself, "at least now I know for *sure* I'm on
Kim's trail."
---
"That was fun!" the first schoolgirl said to the second, putting her uzi
back in her schoolbag. "And we're almost at school, too!"
"Yes, we are!" the second cheerfully replied.
There was a small pause.
"This is the most demeaning role I've ever played in my life," the second
schoolgirl whispered.
"Shut up, James," the first one whispered back. "Ah-ha!" she said
cheerfully. "Here we are! Good old Gedo High School!"
"Yes, it is!" the second said cheerfully.
There was another small pause.
"This is even worse then my bit part as 'Jake' in Final Fight," the second
one whined.
"I said shut *up*, James," the first one hissed.
The two of them entered the schoolgrounds, unaware of the white-haired
figure trailing behind them.
"Excellent," he rasped, stepping off the corner of Crippling Angst
Road and crossing the street, heading towards the school. "*Now*... is
the time... Kim! Now... you... will pay... for whAAAAAAAAIIIE!" he
screamed, barely jumping back to the corner before the convertable hit him.
The purple car screeched to a halt at the side of the road, its tires
leaving long tracks of rubber behind them. The door opened and out jumped a
blonde woman in a purple tuxedo.
"THERE you are!" she chirped, bouncing over to the white-haired man
leaning against a streetlight. "Thought you could escape, did you, cutie?"
"Ack!" the white-haired man acked, running away as best he could in his
still-depleted condition.
"Hey hey hey! Come back here, Jhunnie!" King chirped as she chased after
Jhun, who was running as fast as he could towards Gedo High.
"She called me 'Jhunnie',", he thought to himself, and thus started
running even faster.
---
"Babe... I got you, babe..." the clock-radio blared, turning itself on to
wake up its owner.
"Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh," Kyo Kusanagi yawned as he woke up.
He rolled out of bed, wearing his Priapus pajamas, and walked to the
bathroom. He wet his toothbrush, squeezed some toothpaste on it, and
began to brush his teeth.
"Heyyy, kids and kittens," the DJ said, "Johnny Ricaro here on the
breakfast show with you today. It's a sunny day out there today, folks,
so you'll have no trouble watching out for that Futuro FM van making the
rounds! If you happen to see it today, stop by it and get yourself a
couple of tickets to the big ball game tonight... you're gonna love it.
Okay, we've got a couple contests coming up from our sponsors, Zaibatsu..."
Kyo tuned the radio out as he brushed his teeth. Something was nagging at
the back of his mind. There was a feeling that something was coming towards
him. Something dangerous...
Kyo shrugged it off and pulled up the window blind.
That's when he saw the meteorite coming straight for his house.
"Eek," he said to himself.
---
The voice that came over the phone was not a happy voice. "Billy," it
said.
"Erm, hi, Geese," Billy nervously replied.
"Is Kaphwan dead yet?"
Billy checked around the Staff Lounge to make sure nobody was there
listening in on him. He failed to notice Heavy D! lying on the couch, but
D! was too busy holding his hands over his mouth to notice Billy talking
anyway.
"Don't worry, Geese, I'm workin' on it," Billy said.
"You mean you *still* haven't killed him yet."
"Well, yeah."
"Billy, you stupid glueleg, are you *ever* going to get this done?"
Billy grinned to himself. "That... is a secret!"
"I see. Goodbye, Billy."
"Bye, sah." Billy said, and hung up.
---
"That settles it," Geese said to himself as he turned off the
speakerphone, "I'm sending more people out on this job."
Geese sat in thought for a couple seconds, contemplating what he could
throw at Kim that would actually be of any use. It took him a couple
seconds before he remembered the "project" he'd been funding in Ash Gore
Weed's secret laboratories.
Geese chuckled to himself. "I'm a *damn* evil man."
---
"So this 'Kaphwan' has stolen secrets from the Howling Voice
Guild?" a man in a black hooded cloak said.
"Excuse me?" a short man in a business suit said, knocking on the
glass of the phone booth. "Hello? I need to use the phone!"
"Well, that won't do at all," the cloaked man said, continuing
on as if there was noone knocking on the booth.
"Hello? Hello?" the man said, continuing to knock on the booth. "You've
been on there for five minutes... could you hurry it up? Hello?" Knock
knock knock.
"Meet Charles Mander at Tokyo Airport? Who the hell is Charles Mander?"
the cloaked man asked into the phone.
"HELLO?" the short man yelled, knocking on the glass in such a manner as
to convey that he was *not* going to take this anymore, by God.
"Are you telling m... hold on a second." The man in the cloak held the
phone to his shoulder and looked patiently at the man knocking on the
booth.
He continued knocking, pausing for a moment to scream at the cloaked
man. "WILL YOU GET O-"
The cloaked man whipped his musket out from under his cloak and
blasted the man full in the chest through the glass.
The short man blinked a couple times and fell over dead.
The musket disappeared under the man's cloak, and he put the phone back
to his ear. "Sorry, where were we? Ah... right." He pulled a notepad and a
pencil out from somewhere under his cloak and began taking notes. "Meet
Charles Mander at Tokyo Airport today at 4:30... protect him and his
weapon at all costs... and find and destroy Kim. Gotcha. Seeya, Geese."
The man hung up the phone, drew his musket out from under his cloak,
and smiled evilly at it.
"C'mon, Stormy," he said to it, "we're going on a mission."
"Don't call me Stormy," his gun replied.
---
"Great," Geese chuckled to himself. "I've got Mander well protected for his
trip to Japan. Now I just have to tell him about it," he said, dialing
another number.
---
"Are you *sure* this is what you want?" Charles Mander asked, occasionally
glancing nervously towards a jar on his desk.
"Yes, Charles," Geese said over the phone, "this is what I want."
"Are you *absolutely* sure?" Charles asked.
"Yes, Charles, I'm *absolutely* s-"
"Really *really* sure?"
"*Yes*, Charles, I'm *absolutely* s-"
"Are you really really truly *truly* sure?"
"Charles..."
"Sorry! Sorry, boss! I'm on it. I'm on it! Bye."
Charles Mander, research scientist and head incense technician
extrordinaire, stared at the weapon he was to transport to Tokyo and
unleash on Kim Kaphwan.
The weapon stared back.
"Come on, you," Charles sweatdropped, slowly picking up the jar. He
tucked it underneath his arm and made his way out of the Ash Gore
Weed factory, sweating bullets all the while.
Nobody ever said being the world's only Attack Jelly scientist would
be easy work.
---
"I really should get someone else to handle that Attack Jelly," Geese
thought to himself as he hung up the phone. "Charles is a *goober*."
---
"Hey! It's the new girl!" First Schoolgirl yelled.
"Hi, new girl!" Second Schoolgirl yelled, waving.
"Moo?" the Interrupting Cow said, walking up to the two in her fuku.
"How's it goi-"
"Moo."
"Hey, did you hear about the guys from Pac-"
"Moo."
"Isn't it *weird* that i-"
"Moo?"
"Well, not *weird*, b-"
"Moo."
The bell sounded, starting the school day.
"Ack! We're gonna be l-"
"MOO!"
"Ow! Hey! Get off my he-
"MOO! MOO!"
---
INJURY UPDATE: The Chainsaw Vigilante will be out of action for 2-3
chapters
nursing a dislocated shoulder. He dislocated his shoulder while throwing his
head back and laughing hysterically near the end of Chapter Ten. We extend
our best wishes to CV and hope to see him back in the impro soon.
Taking his spot until he returns will be Bill the Cat.
---
"Ack," Bill the Cat said, standing in a puddle of his own drool.
Surely what he meant was that Kim Kaphwan will pay for his blatant and
unabashed anti-evil stance and be sliced and diced into itty-bitty goodness
bits along with his wife - the Pseudonym-Happy Woman of Ill Intent - and his
sons - The Goon and The Doof - as well as his sidekick - White-Haired
Hippie Guy - and his followers Redheaded Stepchild, Basketball Man (and his
sidekick Mr. Monotonous Mohalk), Large Blond Individual and Staff-Weilding
Do-Gooder - and your reign of ne'er-do-wickedness will be forever halted,
or he is not the Chainsaw Vigilante. (NINETY-FIVE words, ladies and
gentlemen. Allow me to lie down.)
"Ack," Bill the Cat repeated, scratching his ass.
Okay, maybe all he meant *was* "Ack".
---
"This is all your fault," First Schoolgirl pouted, holding her buckets of
water.
"This role is absolutely humiliating." Second Schoolgirl dejectedly
whispered.
"Shut up, James."
"The world is a cold and lonely place."
"Shut *up*, James."
---
"Well, class," Kim smiled (#221, the "I Am Addressing the Class" Smile)
as he closed the door behind the two students who had came late to
Geography class, "did everyone do their homework?"
There was some muttering in the back of the class.
"Did anyone *not* do his or her homework last night?" Kim asked, his eyes
narrowing.
Two hands went up in the back row.
"I see," Kim said sternly (and smiling the Stern Smile {#21} ). "Well,
you have to go to..."
Ominous music played in the background.
"...the Guidance Room."
---
"Uhm... hello?" a schoolboy said as he and his friend stepped into the
Guidance Room.
"Uhm..." the second one added, "we didn't do our homework, and Mister
Kaphwan-san told us t-"
*WHUMP-thud*.
That is the noise a male high school student makes when Boman Delgado
uppercuts him into the ceiling and he falls back down to the floor.
The second boy stared, mouth open in shock, as his friend landed face-first
on the floor next to him. He began backing away, trying to find the door
without looking behind him.
Unfortunately for him, this meant he could see the Roy Bromwell Evil Smirk
(#726) running towards him, followed closely by Roy himself.
"Looks like you Gedo punks need some [DISCIPLINE]!" Roy yelled happily as
he
bore down on the defenceless student.
"Wai! Wai!" Tiffany cheered, bouncing. "Crush him and smash him and pulp
him
and bash him and feed his innards to goldfish! WAI!"
"I should really start doing my homework," was the last thing the student
thought before Roy tackled him into the wall and broke eight of his ribs.
---
"Sho you sheeee," Iori Yagami slurred as he lay on his desk, "the
Babbiloninans defeeeated the Frenssh in the beeg Sheven Hundred Yearsh War
in 1930. And then, and then the Greeksh beat the Shelticsh in 1402, but the
Shelticsh fought back in 1440 and beat the Greeksh up. Yeah. But then the
Sssheltics were defeated by them Oilersh, and the Oilersh went on to get
beat by the Maple Leafsh and the Maple Leapsh won the Grey Cup."
The class took notes.
"Yeah," Iori continued, rubbing his nose on his sleeve, "and then, then the
Black Panthersh were wiped out by the Zaibatsu in 1515, and the Bulldogsh
beat the Loving Spoooooonful in 1730, and Lewish and Clark shplit up in
1712 when Lewish hit Clark with a steel chair, an-"
"Yagami-san?" a boy asked, raising his hand.
"Whu?" Iori responded.
"Why aren't you wearing pants?"
---
"Mother$&#*(er!" Ryuji Yamazaki yelled.
"Mother$&#*(er," the class droned.
"$#)(&$#(*&ing #$*(#$!" Ryuji yelled.
"$#)(&$#(*&ing #$*(#$,"the class droned.
"This new English teacher is *cool*," one boy in the back said to
another.
---
"Okay, class," Lucky Glauber said, drawing some diagrams on the board.
"Today, we're going to discuss why you shouldn't drink pop lying down."
"Chickens," Heavy D! added, nodding.
---
Meanwhile, at Tokyo Airport, a man waited.
More specifically, at Tokyo Airport, a man waited in a Starbucks.
"What do you *mean* you don't sell black coffee?" he yelled, banging
his fist against the counter and causing his black hooded cloak to
flutter behind him.
"I mean we don't sell black coffee," the twenty-some counterperson
sneered. "You gotta PROBLEM with that?"
Seconds later, he was dead.
"Bah," the musket said as it went back under the black cloak. "That
was *completely* unnecessary."
"Quiet," he muttered.
"Excuse me..." a voice came from behind him.
He turned around and came face-to-face with a tall, skinny man with
short brown hair and a long white lab coat worn over green slacks and
a Three Tenors sweatshirt. The lab coat-wearing man had a permanent
look of worry on his face and was carrying a small jar with something
purple inside it.
"Are you Clive?" the jar-carrier asked.
The man in the cloak nodded. "So," he said, "you would b-"
"Charles Mander, Ash Gore Weed's Top Incense Technician," Charles
nodded.
"Whatever," Clive shrugged. "So what's in the jar?"
"The weapon that will destroy Kim Kaphwan," Charles said
triumphantly.
"Neat," Clive said, reaching for the jar. "Lemme see."
"No."
"Lemme *see*," Clive repeated, reaching for the jar again.
"No!" Charles blurted, jerking the jar away from Clive.
"Now look here," Clive started, "I want t-"
"NO!" Charles yelled. "You MUST *NOT* TOUCH THE ATTACK JELLY! THE
ATTACK JELLY IS A BAD BAD DANGEROUS WEAPON!"
There was a long silence.
Charles yelped and dived to the ground as Clive produced a musket and
aimed it at his head.
Nothing happened.
"...Storm?" Clive muttered. "If you would be so kind..."
"Nothing doing," the gun replied evenly. "Remember, you're supposed to be
*protecting* the goober."
"Damn it," Clive muttered.
Charles leapt up off the ground. "Who said that?" he asked.
"The gun did," Clive said, brandishing the musket. "It is known as Storm."
"Hi," the gun said.
"Well, then..." And Charles jumped up and began throttling the end of the
musket, shaking it back and forth with both hands as it trying to strangle
it to death. "I'M NOT A GOOBER! DON'T CALL ME A GOOBER! I'M NOT A GOOBER!
I'M NOT I'M NOT I'M NOT!"
"Um," Storm said.
Clive snickered. "Shall we be off, then?" he said.
"Sure," Charles said, instantly calm again. "I'll just hail a taxi an-"
"Oh, we don't need to hail a taxi," Clive said.
"No?"
And Clive produced a Pinto from under his cloak.
Charles blinked.
"Hop in," Clive grinned.
Charles sweatdropped. "But we're on the third floor."
"HOP IN," Clive repeated, his eyes narrowing.
Charles gulped and got into the Pinto.
"Buckle up," Clive said happily as he started the motor, and
drove the Pinto down a flight of stairs.
Charles gripped the Attack Jelly to his chest and prayed for his life.
"We're going a little fast," Storm said nervously as the Pinto skidded
through a restaurant and down another flight of stairs.
"Nonsense," Clive said nonchalantly. "We're fine."
Charles was about to complain loudly when the car burst through an
automatic door that happened to be closed at the time and careened
into the street, crashing into a blue Oldsmobile.
"Oops," Clive said cooly to himself.
"'Oops'?" Charles said incredulously. "That's ALL YOU CAN SAY? *OOPS*?"
"Clive," Storm muttered, "must we do this every time?"
"Well," Clive began, "I j-"
"PREPARE FOR TROUBLE!" a voice called.
"AND MAKE IT DOUBLE!" another voice added.
"Hmm?" Clive murmered to himself, peering through the smashed
windshield of the Pinto. The smoke from the two cars' engines began
to clear somewhat, revealing two figures standing on the roof of the
totalled Oldsmobile.
"TO PROTECT THIS SERIES FROM DEVESTASTION!"
"TO UNITE ALL PEOPLE USING IRRITATION!"
The smoke cleared some more, revealing the two figures to be wearing
white outfits. The one standing on the left had a large red "S" sewn
into the right side of his white armour, while the one on the right
wore a white gi with a large red D sewn into the left side. It also
revealed a third, shorter figure standing behind them.
"TO BE MORE UNLUCKY THEN A ONE-LEAVED CLOVER!"
"AND TO YELL 'OOSHA' AND 'VATER' OVER AND OVER!"
The smoke finally dissipated completely, revealing the pair's faces.
"SEIGFRIED!" the one on the left yelled.
"DAN!" the one on the right yelled.
"TEAM ROCKET 2000! WE'RE ALL THAT YOU NEED!" the one on the left
yelled, shaking his forearm.
"SURRENDER NOW, OR WE WILL TAUNT YOU QUAD-SPEED!" the one on the
right yelled, shaking his forearm.
"Meee-owth! Indeed!" the third figure added, jumping out in front
of the two and shaking his forearm.
---
Somewhere backstage in front of a television monitor, Second Schoolgirl
curled up into a ball and cried.
---
Clive leaned back against his seat and casually draped one arm out
his (shattered) window. "That was absolutely idiotic," he said.
"Clive?" Storm piped up.
"Yes?"
"It'd be okay to shoot them," Storm said helpfully.
"Goody," Clive chuckled, undoing his seatbelt and leaping through the
broken windshield.
Clive landed on the smashed hood of the Pinto and looked up to the
three standing on the roof of the Oldsmobile.
"How DARE you, little jabronie," Rocket Dan said pompously, "wreck
the fine automobile of Team Rocket 2000?"
"We do not take kindly to such actions," Seigfried added, drawing
his freakishly large sword.
Clive, smiling wickedly, took careful aim at Dan's smirking head and
p-
"HELP MEEEEEE!"
Clive froze, blinked, and turned around.
There was Charles Mander, along with his jar, cowering in fear at the
yellow cat-like thing standing on the trunk making faces at him through
the window.
"NYEEEEEEH," Meowth nyeeeeeehd, pulling one eyelid down and sticking
out his tongue.
"AIEEEEEEEE!" Charles screamed, digging himself into the back seat.
"Nya ha ha!" Meowth laughed evilly as he climbed in through the
right-side back door. "Hey, Dan! Seigfried! I caught a goober!"
There was a deathly silence from inside the car.
"Goober?" Charles repeated timidly.
"Come on, ya goober," Meowth crowed, "come outta there and fight!"
There was some more deathly silence.
And suddenly everything within three miles was glowing a deep
purple. Clive, Dan and Seigfried averted their eyes, unable to stare
at the brightly-flaring purple aura inside the car. There was a sound
much like three Lavoses trying to sing in harmony, followed shortly by
a loud vacuum noise.
The purple light faded away, revealing Charles Mander screwing the
lid back onto his jar. Meowth was nowhere to be seen.
"That was a mean mean nasty thing for him to say," Charles said to
himself.
"Let us flee," Rocket Seigfried suggested to Rocket Dan.
"Let us," Rocket Dan suggested to Rocket Dan.
The two bolted and were over the horizon in seconds.
---
"Babe... I got you, babe..." the clock-radio blared, turning itself on to
wake up its owner.
"Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh," Kyo Kusanagi yawned as he woke up.
He rolled out of bed, wearing his Priapus pajamas, and walked to the
bathroom. He wet his toothbrush, squeezed some toothpaste on it, and
began to brush his teeth.
"Heyyy, kids and kittens," the DJ said, "Johnny Ricaro here on the
breakfast show with you today. It's a sunny day out there today, folks,
so you'll have no trouble watching out for that Futuro FM van making the
rounds!"
Kyo froze. He slowly leaned out of the bathroom and looked over to the
radio.
"If you happen to see it today, stop by it and get yourself a
couple of tickets to the big ball game tonight... you're gonna love it.
Okay, we've got a couple contests coming up from our sponsors, Zaibatsu..."
Kyo felt something was nagging at the back of his mind. There was a feeling
that something was coming towards him. Something dangerous...
Kyo dashed to the window and pulled up the blind.
There was nothing of any interest out there.
Kyo, relieved, walked out of the bathroom and down to the kitchen.
The lights weren't turned on, and there were no windows, so the room
was completely dark when Kyo entered. He fumbled around, running his hands
along the wall in search of the lightswitch. The door from the stairway
closed itself suddenly with a loud WHOMP, causing Kyo to jump and turn.
That was when a small voice, uninvited, popped up in the back of his mind.
"It is very dark here. You are likely to be eaten by a grue."
Kyo swallowed.
Seconds later, so did something else.
---
In the Justice High School library, Don and Jack Kaphwan were busy
flipping through large books.
Don, it seemed, had gotten the idea during the school day that the cause
of all the problems of his father and everyone around him could be traced
back to something called an "Improbability Drive", and so he had dragged
Jack to the library after school and set out on looking for clues in the
Justice High library, which it should be noted was larger then the World
Trade Centre. Justice High is not for imbiciles, after all.
The two of them busily flipped through book after book, looking for
information about the Improbability Drive.
At least, that's what Don was doing until he noticed that Jack hadn't
turned a page in twenty minutes and was constantly giggling to himself.
Don raised an eyebrow, lowering his book. He reached over and pulled
down the upright book in front of Jack, revealing him to be sitting
there with a large stack of Bazooka Joe comics.
Jack sweatdropped.
Don sweatdropped.
The two of them sat there sweatdropping at each other for a couple
seconds.
"You boys having fun?" a woman in a white cloak chuckled from the
next table.
Jack was the first to turn his head, his eyes opening wide. "GAAH!
How long have you *been* there?" he asked.
"Whoa there, boy," the cloaked woman purred, "no need to shout.
I just want to ask you two something."
"Go ahead," Don said, cutting in as he felt was necessary due to Jack
melting like a tub of margarine taking a Fire3 spell.
"Could you hold these for me for a while?" she asked, turning the
charm dial up to 13 as she produced two guns from somewhere under her
cloak and handed one to each boy.
Don blinked. "Uhm, sure."
"Great!" she smiled.
Jack, who had almost just about recovered, melted into a small
puddle again.
"I'll be back when I need them," she said, "which I can sense will
be soon."
"nO prOblEm," the puddle of Jack burbled.
Don sweatdropped again. How did Jack *do* that?
"Wait," he said, "who are you?"
"Me?" The cloaked woman smiled. "Call me Elza. See you later, boys."
She closed her book, slipped it under her cloak, stood up from her
table and walked out of the room.
"whOA..." Puddle-Jack burbled.
Don shook his head.
Exiting the library, Elza pulled the white cloak tightly around her and
snarled, running her fingers over the scar on her face. "Soon, Clive.
Soon."
---
Clive, driving the wreckage of the Pinto down a busy Tokyo street at
a hundred and ninety miles per hour, sneezed violently.
"Gezundheit," Charles would have said from the back seat if the wrecked
Pinto hadn't taken that opportunity to yank its steering wheel out of
Clive's hands and plow itself into a parked truck, knocking it over and
causing its back doors to open.
"Oops," Clive said, rubbing the back of his neck.
Storm sighed. "*Damn*, dude."
They didn't notice four people scurrying out of the back of the truck,
carrying a folding table along with them.
"WE'RE FREE!" one screamed.
"Indeed, we're free," another said.
"THIS IS THE MOST INCREDIBLE DEVELOPMENT OF ALL TIME!" a third one
screamed at the top of his lungs.
"Or at least, the most incredible development since our escape from
Swaziland," the fourth said evenly.
"Quiet," the other three told him.
---
"Babe... I got you, babe..." the clock-radio blared, turning itself on to
wake up its owner.
"Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh," Kyo Kusanagi yawned as he woke up.
He rolled out of bed, wearing his Priapus pajamas, and walked to the
bathroom. He wet his toothbrush, squeezed some toothpaste on it, and
began to brush his teeth.
"Heyyy, kids and kittens," the DJ said, "Johnny Ricaro here on the
breakfast show with you today. It's a sunny day out there today, folks,
so you'll have no trouble watching out for that Futuro FM van making the
rounds!"
Kyo froze. He slowly leaned out of the bathroom and looked over to the
radio.
"If you happen to see it today, stop by it and get yourself a
couple of tickets to the big ball game tonight...
Kyo felt something was nagging at the back of his mind. There was a feeling
that something was coming towards him. Something dangerous...
Kyo dashed to the window and pulled up the blind.
Seeing nothing out of the ordinary, he dashed down to the kitchen and
quickly turned on the light.
Nothing out of the ordinary was there, either.
Kyo, the feeling still nagging at his mind, dashed out the front door and
looked around at the neighbourhood.
Nothing out of the ordinary.
He let out a relieved sigh and was about to enter the house and start
his day when he heard the sounds of a chainsaw revving. He looked up to
see Bill the Cat descending on him from the roof with a whirring
chainsaw in hand.
"ACK!" Bill hacked.
"MAD KITTY!" Kyo screamed, running away as fast as he could. "MAD KITTY
WITH CHAINSAW!"
"OOP ACK!" Bill yowled, chasing after Kyo.
Eventually, he caught him.
It wasn't pretty.
---
"Hello! MS-DOS Headquarters! High Chief Grand Marshall Commander
Matthew Steadfast here! How can I h-"
"Moo."
"Ah! Agent 001! Hello? How are th-"
"Moo."
"You have news on Kim K-"
"Moo."
"What is i-"
"Moo moo."
"Geography? Are you telling me h-"
"Moo."
"Geography. That is the strangest th-"
"MOO?"
"No! No, I'm not doubting you! I j-"
"MOO!"
"I'm sorry! I'm sorry! It's just t-"
"MOOOOOOOOO! MOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
"NO! NOT BLEACHY SMURF! *PLEASE* DON'T HURT B-"
"MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
---
"DAMN, man!" Edge yelled, throwing his hands up in the air.
"WHAT?" Gan boomed.
"Damn damn DAMN, man!" Edge yelled.
"*WHAT*?" Gan boomed.
"Do you ALWAYS gotta be Zangief?" Edge yelled, pointing at the screen.
"I *LIKE* ZANGIEF."
"Oh, come ON, man!" Edge wailed.
"HE'S A VERY ENTERTAINING CHARACTER WHO REQUIRES A LOT OF SKILL. NOW
LET'S PLAY."
The match took twelve seconds.
"DAMN DAMNIT, DAMN!" Edge yelled.
"YOU AREN'T VERY GOOD AT THIS GAME, I GUESS." Gan boomed, shrugging.
"Damn... whatever. You wanna play something else?"
"SURE. I WANNA PLAY... WHACK-A-MOLE! WAI!" Gan boomed, running over
to the Whack-A-Mole game.
Edge suddenly felt great pity for the Whack-A-Mole game.
---
The Whack-A-Mole game sat idly.
"Any time now," it thought. "Any time now the beautiful Ukyou will be
arriving at this arcade! And I *know* she loves Whack-A-Mole! Ahhh,
dearest Ukyou-sama, how I l-"
"WHACK-A-MOLE! WAI!" a voice boomed.
Tsubasa Kurenai looked up.
"Oh... dear... God."
---
Edge had never heard a Whack-A-Mole game scream before. It was kind
of disturbing.
---
And somewhere, Kim smiled.
It was Smile #302.
The "Thank God I Had Such A Light Workload This Chapter Due To The Entire
Cast Showing Up And Demanding To Appear In At Least One More Chapter Before
Most Of Them Were Forgotten Completely And Shipped Back To The Pool Of
Expendable Characters, But I Suppose All Things Considered I'm Going To Have
To Work Real Hard Again Next Chapter Because The Story's Probably Going To
Be Continuing Along, So I'm Very Happy For The Fourty-Four-Kilobyte Paid
Vacation I Recieved This Time Around" Smile.
This smile made the Author very uneasy.
---------------
Author's Notes: Yow. ^_^
Well, I *intended* to further the storyline along. *Really*, I did. But one
way or another it turned into nothing more than a chapter detailing a day in
the lives of ABSOLUTELY EVERYBODY IN THE STORY. ^^
And I bet you thought there weren't very many characters in the story right
now. Go on, admit it, you did. *I* sure did. ^^
Clive and Elza are both from Suikoden II. Where Tsubasa Kurenai is from
should be kinda obvious, I'd imagine. Charles Mander is the result of my own
overachieving intelligence; Attack Jelly, on the other hand, is a reference
so obscure I'm surprised *I* know where I got it. I tip my hat to you if you
know where it came from. And kudos to you as well if you know where Kyo's
situation came from. :)
Well, I hereby leave this mess to the next author, the lovely and talented
Kate Malloy. I'm sure she'll write a much better and more
storyline-advancing
chapter then this one; after all, it's Kate "the Highly Kapable" Malloy
we're
talking about here. :)
Kudos go out to V8 for proofreading and to Kate Malloy for being the only
other person I've ever met who can identify the sources of both
Attack Jelly *and* the Grand Knights of the Exalted Karpoozi. ^^
So until next time, Oonta Gleebin Glotin Globin and Kaphwan bless all of
you. ^^
----------------------------------------------------------------------
- -
- James Howard, the MultiMediocre Knight -
- December 26th, 1999 -
- Email: mmk@beer.com -
- Visit the Church of Kaphwan at -
- http://www.geocities.com/TimesSquare/Battlefield/4281/church.html -
- -
----------------------------------------------------------------------
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