All comments should be taken as absolute truth, and are offered as a
subtle ploy to crush the spirit of a fellow author.

Just kidding, of course, but I've always wanted to say something like
that.

Vincent Seifert <seifertv@ccshp1.ccs.csus.edu> wrote:

Previously in "Centaur": Taro noticed Kasumi after she tried to
defend her kitchen from him.  Kasumi invited Taro to an omiai
(marriage meeting) which did not go well; they aren't engaged,
but they are still interested in each other.

KASUMI: But at least the meeting took place. And after I've been asking
for one for so long!

AKANE: You have?

KASUMI: Yes. I kept saying "Om'ai!" And I'm sure you all heard me, but
you just ignored it, as if it were just some sort of meaningless
interjection or something.

AKANE: Another of the many hazards of gratuitous Japanese, I guess.

    The gate in the wall around the Tendo property, an imposing
structure of heavy wood, black iron, whitewashed stone, and blue
tile, dominated one side of the small street like a sentry armed
in the panoply of bygone days.

That descriptor seems awkwardly long. Maybe if you moved it to the
front:

An imposing structure of heavy wood, black iron, whitewashed stone, and
blue tile, the gate in the wall around the Tendo property dominated....

Otherwise, you probably ought to split it into two sentences.

    The sun hadn't risen much further before they came out
again, but instead of the usual two girls in the uniforms of St.
Hebereke's, Ranma was male and Akane wore a colorful dress.

RANMA: (thinks) If I finish up whatever Akane wants to do now, I can go
back home and spend the whole day just sitting around!

"Come on, lazybones," she said, tugging on Ranma's hand.  "You
weren't planning to hang around the house all day, were you?"

RANMA: 'course not! How could you think that?

    "Well, yeah, actually," Ranma said, but he allowed her to
drag him out the gate.  "Why not?  It's spring break."

    "Ranma, if you think I'm going to let you become a lump like
your father, think again.  We have two whole weeks off!"

GENMA: Right you are, Akane! Now, today is already mostly over, so we'll
have to settle for a quick hike up and down Mount Fuji. Tomorrow we can
get up early and the three of us can swim over to Kyoto. After a day of
learning new combat techniques there....

AKANE: On second thought, there is something to be said for spending a
day around the house every now and then.

    "There's always training," Ranma suggested.

    "Hmm... we could go on a training trip, just the two of
us...."  Akane glanced sidelong at Ranma just as he glanced back
at her.  Imagination took over.

         Akane faced off                 Ranma lounged in the
    against Ranma in a forest       shade, watching as Akane
    clearing.  Suddenly she         wore herself out attacking
    attacked, a whirlwind of        a waterfall.  "Right, just
    punches and kicks blocked       like that," he called, then
    expertly by her sparring        took a sip from his drink.
    partner, faster and faster.     
                                         The yatai by the side
         Curry bubbled in the       of the road displayed a
    pot over the campfire.          tempting array of grilled
    Akane stirred it, then          delicacies.  Ranma handed
    ladled out a generous           over coins and accepted
    portion and handed it           laden skewers from the
    across to Ranma, who licked     proprietor, passing Akane
    his chops in anticipation.      her share.

      RANMA: Hey, your cooking's      VENDOR: Would you like more?
      getting better, Akane.
                                      RANMA: You bet! How much?
      AKANE: Really?
                                      VENDOR: Actually, all the food
      RANMA: Sure. Remember last      in my cart can be yours for
      month when I said it wasn't     free. All you need to do is
      fit for pig slop?               take my little girl along with
                                      you, to be engaged to your
      AKANE: Yes?                     first-born son.

      RANMA: Well, now it is.         AKANE: We'll do no such....

      AKANE: I think it's time for    RANMA: How much food, exactly?
      our next training exercise:
      building resistance to pain!

The split-screen is a neat idea, but I'm not sure whether it's trying to
show that Ranma and Akane's ideas of the perfect vacation aren't quite
in sync, or just a way of simulating the use of smaller-point type under
the limitations of plain text. If the former (which I think is the
funnier and more interesting choice), then I think the two visions
should've conflicted more than they did.

    "After all, just because you're better than Kodachi doesn't
mean you can coast--"

    "And just HOW do you know I'm better than Kodachi?" Akane
snapped, preparing to flip Ranma into a wall.

RANMA: Well, duh. I think I know better than anyone else just how good
you are, Akane.

AKANE: Damn right you do. But that doesn't explain how you happen to
know how good SHE is.

RANMA: I went one-on-one with her, remember?

AKANE: WHAT?! And you're just now telling me?

RANMA: Telling you? You were THERE! You insisted on watching!

I really like the humorous misunderstanding here. Seems like you could
take it to greater absurdities, but on the other hand I do understand
the desire not to let it get overly crude. :)

    Ranma gave her a you-dummy look.

RANMA: Say hello to the folks, Akane! (in high-pitched voice through
closed lips) "Hello to the folks, Akane!"

    "Ah...."  Doctor Ono Tofu, chiropractor and moxibustionist,
gave a little wave of the hand that wasn't holding a broom and
smiled diffidently.  "It's been a long time.  How are you?"

    "Never mind how we are!" Akane burst out, hurrying up to the
wayward doctor.  "How are YOU?"  She put her fists on her hips
and glared at him.  "Where the heck have you BEEN?!"

TOFU: Down an open sewer. I thought you'd heard.

    "So... any other marriages?" Tofu probed.

    "Hell, no, Sensei," Ranma said in surprise.  "One was
enough.  More would be too, uh, dangerous."

    It was Tofu's turn to look puzzled.  "What are you talking
about?"

    "The other fiancees," Ranma explained impatiently.  "If I'd
married Ukyo and Shampoo too, I'd-- oof!"

    "He'd be a dead man, and I'd make darn sure he didn't have a
smile on his face when he went," Akane said tartly, removing her
elbow from Ranma's ribs.

    "Oh, of course.  No, that's not what I meant," Tofu said,
sounding a little impatient himself.

    "So what are YOU talking about?" Ranma asked, frowning.

TOFU: Look, do I have to spell it out?

AKANE: What?

TOFU: That lovely sister of yours. Is she married?

AKANE: Oh, no.

TOFU: Whew.

AKANE: No, Nabiki's been far too busy with school to even consider....

TOFU: AAAARRGH!

    "Tofu-sensei?  Really?  This wouldn't be some kind of joke,
would it, Akane?" Kasumi said breathlessly.

    "Of course not, Onee-chan.  He's right back in his old
clinic where he used to be, as though he never left."

    "Oh, my."

AKANE: A marriage meeting? What a great idea!

KASUMI: No, that WAS in fact just a meaningless interjection.

    "--an asshole--" Ranma supplied helpfully.

    "--an ass-- a scoundrel," Akane corrected, glancing
warningly at Ranma, "like Taro-kun and a fine man like Tofu-
sensei, I'd think it'd be a no-brainer!"

RANMA: So you think she should choose Pantyhose?

AKANE: No!

RANMA: Well, of the two, he's the no-brainer.

    Kasumi thought about that for a moment.  "I think perhaps he
needs me," she said slowly.  "I'm sure you have some idea of how
important that is to me.  But even so, he treats me like a
person, not a china doll-- or a domestic."  Both Akane and Ranma
flinched a little at that.  "Most of all, he makes me feel...
like there are possibilities."

KASUMI: Just thinking about those tentacles...teehee!

    Kasumi gestured vaguely.  "Haven't you noticed how silly he
always was?  I mean, really; dancing with his skeleton, eating
plates... even though they say laughter is the best medicine,
sometimes I wonder how he keeps his practice."

    Ranma and Akane exchanged glances that shared a single
thought: how the heck do we explain THIS?  "Er..." Akane began,
then waved desperately at Ranma to continue.

    "He's only like that when you're around," Ranma blurted.

RANMA: And the dancing thing don't count. He only did that one in the
anime.

AKANE: You're a big help, Ranma.

RANMA: I try.

    "Now you're being silly," Akane burst out.  She wagged a
stern finger at her elder sister.  "Tofu-sensei's a great guy.  I
had a crush on him for YEARS.  He'd be just right for you, much
better than Taro-kun, and we're going to prove it to you."

For a Ranma character, she's being remarkably up-front. ^_^;;; Certainly
if Ranma took charge here, I'd expect him to drag Akane off, assuring
Kasumi that her choices were her own, and then start making up goofy
plans to hook her and Tofu once he and Akane were alone.

    "Look, I don't exactly want Pantyhose-Taro in the family
either, but I think Kasumi's gonna do just what she wants no
matter what we do.  Push her hard enough and she might do
something stupid just because we're pushing.

AKANE: That response displays a remarkable degree of thought, insight,
and consideration. What have you done with the man I married?

RANMA: He wasn't available for this chapter. I was called in from
another fic to sub for him.

    Now that she was stationary, Akane and Ranma were able to
get a better look.  She appeared to be in her mid-twenties, a
little younger than Tofu but older than Kasumi.  Her red hair was
her most singular feature, the kind of red that is nearly orange
and accompanied by a wash of freckles; she wore it short, a neat
no-nonsense cut under a starched white cap.  Her dress matched
the cap, and she filled it nicely.  She wasn't quite plump, but
if Ranma or Akane had known what "zaftig" meant, they would have
applied it to her immediately; she looked like she ought to be
wearing a dirndl and toting four mugs of beer in each hand
without benefit of trays.

Whoa, information dump. :/  Suggest you spread at least some of this
description throughout the following scene, rather than giving it in one
huge clump.

    "Er, well, I didn't have a nurse before," Tofu prevaricated.

Not that big of a lie anyway. If I remember right, Shampoo was only his
nurse for one panel. :)

    "Yes, Doktor."  Gertrude freed her captive with a deft

Shouldn't that be Herr Doktor? German titles are cumulative. :)

    "Something's wrong with this needle," Ranma complained.  She
held it up.  "It keeps, uh, bouncing off."

    "It is tied in a pretzel-knot," Gertrude said in a
disbelieving tone.  "What is your skin, concrete?"

    "Just about," Akane said in a strangled voice.  "Ranma, you
invulnerable idiot...."

Since when has Ranma bounced needles? Ryoga is fairly invulnerable, but
even that's only really been tested against blunt objects as far as I
can remember. As for Ranma, the Principal was able to knock him out with
a falling coconut. :)

    "Oh, prob'ly cause I would've come up with the same great
plan in about another five seconds anyway."  Ranma's amused tone
punctured Akane's pique, and she spared enough attention from the
aerial path they followed to give her a surprised look.  "So how
come you stuffed me into this nurse's uniform instead of putting
it on yourself?" Ranma continued.

Because Gert had already seen Akane in normal clothes, of course.

    "Nadelmann Gertrude-san," Akane supplied.  She bit her lip.
"The real problem is... well...."  She cast a flustered glance at
Ranma.

    "He boffed her," Ranma stated.

    "My goodness!"  Kasumi's eyes widened.  "With both of you
standing right there?"

Heh. Now this is a great line for Kasumi.

    "Um... something like that, I guess.  I mean, if Ranma had,
you know...."

    "Boffed?  Screwed?" Ranma offered helpfully.  "Done a
horizontal kata with?"  Swat!

    "...someone else, I'd be so mad and heartbroken, I don't
know what I'd do.

RANMA: And what if the shoe'd been on the other foot? What if you'd, oh,
say, had some other guy who kept coming around to share your bed?

AKANE: Oh, don't be ridiculous.

 But it would change everything.  How can you
even think of anything with Tofu-sensei now?"

    "Well, it's not like Tofu-sensei was engaged to me when he
did it," Kasumi pointed out.  "We didn't even have an
understanding.  And it's not exactly manly for a healthy, normal
bachelor of his age still to be a virgin, is it?"

NODOKA: No, it certainly isn't.

KASUMI: Thank you, Mrs. Saotome.

NODOKA: That's why I had to force myself on Ranma's father, for his own
good. You see....

KASUMI: I said THANK YOU!

    "Well...."  Akane looked like she was having trouble seeing
Tofu as "manly bachelor" rather than "friend and family doctor".

This seems more like an explanation to the reader than an actual
description.

    Ranma snorted.  "Pantyhose-Taro doesn't know crap about
women," she stated indelicately.  "I dunno what he's been doing
all these years, but he's been doing it by himself.  No way has
he ever gotten laid.  I'd bet money he hasn't even been kissed."

    "There, you see, that's husband material!" Akane said
triumphantly.

Heh. Funny bit there.

    Soun came around the corner, looking over his shoulder.
"Who betrayed whom?  And why's Akane so upset?"  He put two and
two together and directed an incensed glare at Ranma.  "You'd
better have a good explanation for this, Ranma-kun!"

    "What?  Why is it always MY fault?" Ranma demanded
indignantly, hands on her hips.

    "Ranma hasn't betrayed Akane, Father," Kasumi said
soothingly.  "It's just Tofu-sensei and his new nurse.  Nothing
to get excited about."

SOUN: Dr. Tofu betrayed Akane? Well, I'd better go have a talk with him,
then.

    "I'm not sure I do either, but... surely you've noticed that
people who already have someone seem to attract more, um,
attention than people who don't?  You could go along for years
with no one looking twice at you, and then you get a special
friend and suddenly everyone's after you."

    Ranma grimaced.  "Oh, yeah.  I didn't know it was that way
for anyone else, though."

    "Well, Akane went through something very much like that
before you came, with those boys who were attacking her every
morning.

But she didn't have a boyfriend then--at least not that we know of.

    A sudden din of footsteps coming up the stairs heralded the
return of Soun, breathing hard.  "Ranma-kun, you're dressed as a
nurse!" he exclaimed.  The demon-head sprang forth.  "HOW COULD
YOU BETRAY AKANE WITH TOFU-SENSEI?!"

D'oh. :)

    "I think if you'd been in favor of the marriage from the
beginning, I might've just lumped you in with that crowd in my
mind.  But you were no happier with it than I was, and that gave
us something in common.  And when you found out about the crush I
had on Tofu-sensei, you were nice about it because I was unhappy,
even though you could have gotten bent out of shape about it
because we were engaged.  But what really got my attention was
when you told Sanzenin-san that I was your iinazuke and you'd

Fiance(e):	Someone engaged to be married to the person under
 		consideration. Two 'e's for a woman, one for a man.
 		"Ranma, boy, Akane is your fiancee whether you like it
 		or not."

Ha! Hoist on his own petard. :)

    He hadn't told Ranma all of the truth, he thought as he
searched through the tomes of his library.  There was a reason
why it hadn't occurred to him to treat his own overreaction to
Kasumi-san: it had been drummed into him by his masters that self-
prescription was a quick way to serious ethical and practical
problems-- so don't, young Ono!  So he hadn't even thought about
it... but now he had to.

Couldn't he just go see a colleague?

[big snip]

    "Aha.  Congratulations.  Well, I expect you understand the
health benefits of getting laid from time to time, then."

    "Defin--"  Blushing, Akane caught herself.

AKANE: *ahem* Define "benefits."

    "I'm a martial artist, not an electrician!"

"Damn it, Jim!"

    Gertrude drew in a mighty breath, put her hands to her
cheeks, screwed her eyes shut, and let out a scream worthy of a
Valkyrie, a scream which caused people for six blocks around to
drop whatever they were doing and dive under their tables,
chairs, and kotatsu.

UKYO: Will all you people get out from under my waiter? He said KoTATsu!
Whatever *that* is.

    Ranma staggered back and looked at Akane.  "Oh, jeez."
Akane nodded weakly.  "You got a plan for this, Cupid?"

    Akane nodded again.  "I'm going home," she said.

    "GOOD plan."

Heh. Some of the ending dragged a little, but I do like this last bit.
:)

What can I say?  Sorry it took so long.  ^_^;

Well, this is definitely not one of the areas where I can claim any
moral high ground, so let's move on. :)

As usual, very good treatment of Ranma and Akane. You've let them mature
without losing sight of who they are and why they're interesting to
write about, and this along with the good original-flavor humor is a
major reason why this continues to be one of my favorite fanfics.

Kasumi: I think she explains herself way too much. I could probably
swallow all of the motivations she's given in this chapter, but IMO you
need a better way of getting them across to the reader. In the manga she
rarely if ever explained herself, and here she seems to do it at the
proverbial drop of a hat. I did like the idea of her dressing up as
Ranma to try to fool Tofu. Any similar bit you may see in an upcoming
release is strictly coincidental, as my prereaders will vouch for, if
they've read any of what I've sent out yet. ^_^;;;;

Tofu: Seemed a bit off, particularly at the beginning. His big concern
was "Is Kasumi available" when it should have (also) been "Am I worthy
of Kasumi?" Tofu's not one to explain himself either, of course, but I
think we should've gotten more of a sense of his feelings toward Kasumi,
of what is driving him back to make a play for her after all this time.

Pantyhose: Good treatment. I suppose we'll have to wait and see whether
Kasumi still has any use for him after all this.

All in all, it was worth the wait, and I hope to see more whenever your
time and energy permit.


Gary Kleppe
http://www.akane.org/gary/comics.html

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