Hello,

I thought it's about time I try doin' more C&C on stuff that comes through 
here, so for better or worse, here's my two cents. Use what ya want, ignore 
the rest!

Since people are posting the fics they wrote for the 1 hour challenge, 

here's mine.  Slightly edited from that version, but not by a lot.

Never participated in those 1-hour challenges, mainly because I can't write 
like that. I have to write when inspiration strikes and keep going no matter 
how long it takes, otherwise, I lose my focus.

But that's just me! ^_^

                                Thy Outward Role
                                by Ken Arromdee

Hmm, that title sounds a little familiar... ^_^

    Ranma had never expected she'd be going to a better school than 

Akane. But one athletic scholarship made all the difference; they >rarely 

existed in Japan, but for someone who could break five ton rocks >and jump 
dozens of feet at once, getting one was a lot easier than she >had 
expected.

Suggest: "...jump dozens of feet into the air," 'at once' doesn't sound 
quite right.

    The daily fights had pretty much ended with Ranma's entry to >college 
a couple of weeks ago, though she had been sure to practice >martial arts 
every day.

Suggest using 'he' instead of 'she' at this point. As far as the audience 
knows at this point, Ranma is still male. I understand he gets locked during 
college, right?

Unfortunately for Ranma, one thing hadn't ended.  Shampoo's rival Gel,
wanting to destroy her happiness, had stolen the Chiisuiton and locked
Shampoo's "husband" in her female form, then destroyed the only cure 

forever. Ranma had never seen Shampoo come so close to killing someone 
for real before, but no matter how much Gel was punished, there would >be 

no way back to being a man for Ranma.

Probably not real important for your story for the point you want to make, 
but... the idea here is that Ranma gave up without much of a search for a 
cure, and that doesn't really sound like him to me. I'd expect some mention 
of how he searched high and low, talked to people, maybe traveled to the 
Amazons and the Musk, before accepting. Or, maybe he's accepted his female 
form enough, and is still friends with the Tendos and everyone else, that 
they convinced him to finish college first (education is important), then 
search.

Nitpicks I suppose, but it's up to you.

    "I've heard all about you, or your strange story, anyway" said >the 
girl. She was tall and had short blonde hair.  Very >tomboyish.  "I'm 
Ten'oh Haruka" she said.  "Welcome to the school."

And we all know how Ranma feels about tomboys... ^_^

    "Nice to meet you, Ranma."

    "You too, I guess."

    "Is something wrong?"

    "Oh, no, nothing at all."

RANMA: Actually, I'm the Ranma from 'Girl Days' and it's that time of the 
month. Wanna make somethin' of it!?"

    Haruka leaned over to Ranma's left ear and whispered "You don't >like 
guys at all.  You're attracted to girls, right?"

RANMA: Except when when under the spell of magic koi rods and hypnotic 
mushrooms.

    Ranma began to feel embarrassed.

    "And all that curse story is true" continued Haruka.

need to add some punctuation here, depending on how Haruka means to phrase 
this. A question mark or a comma, after 'true'.

    "I would know.  Ranma, you don't like when guys get interested in 

you. You can always say no, right?"

RANMA: Sure, it always worked for Kuno, Shampoo, etc...


<SNIP>

    "I didn't.  And neither would you.  Because you may be a girl now, but 
like
me, you're a dyke.  And you can't turn a dyke into a straight woman by 
being
nice and respectful and buying her dinner and being interested in her 
hobbies
and trying to act like a perfect gentleman.  Ranma, there are lesbians who
try to like men.  Some of them even get married, and then one day they wake
up and realize they've been fooling themselves for years."

    "Uh-huh..."

    "And Ranma, those are women who are trying as hard as they can to like
men.  And they can't.  Is there really any chance that it's going to happen
to you?"

Subtle poke at a certain Lawson fic, eh?

I kinda agree with you, though. The manga shows Ranma has a very straight 
and masculine self-image, which is why I could never really understand 
"Outward Part". I just don't see him going for guys.

One more thing. You might want to add a few lines detailing what Akane and 
Ukyo think about Ranma being stuck, even if it's just that they aren't 
lesbians.

That's all and I hope this helps!

Brad

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