Idols

By Kyle Emmerson

	Ranma 1/2 and all of its characters and situations are the sole
property of Rumiko Takahashi. I use these characters and situations
without permission.

Prologue: Zodiac

****

	The still, narrow eyes watched silently from the dense bush
surrounding the jungle temple. Had the owner of the eyes been unwary, they
might not have noticed the thick walls and traps surrounding the
perimeter. But these eyes were trained to notice everything.

Cute.  A MST would have a heyday with the eyes.  :p

	The traps would be simple enough to avoid. All but the most novice of
martial artists could avoid the walls with ease. However, he was neither
novice, nor a trained martial artist.

What does martial arts have to do with avoiding walls?  Perhaps a better 
description of what kind of walls we're dealing with here would warrant a 
reason why martial arts would be necessary to avoid these walls.  Or 
perhaps you meant climb or scale the walls.  Also we are suddenly thrown 
in with a pronoun here, when just earlier all we had was a set of eyes.  
If the audience can suddenly see this guy, perhaps starting him off as 
'this man' or something similar would be a better way than starting out 
with 'he'.

	The outward appearance he put out was military. US Marine, more than
likely, due to the tattoo on his left arm which bore the presence of his
infantry logo, and the words 'semper fi' in gothic font underneath.

I'm assuming that the words are not capitalized since you didn't 
capitalize them.  Also many readers have been subjected to many different 
kinds of military so this man suddenly takes on a lot of different looks.  
If you have a specific image in mind for this guy, you might want to share 
it now before shocking the readers later on how this guy looks.

	But if this man was military once, he no longer was. Otherwise, his
very presence in that jungle would be considered a waste of time. He drew
his attention back to the wall. The method he would use on getting over
the wall would all depend upon whether or not his orders entailed a
less... noticeable presence.

Perhaps it would be better to let the story reveal that the guy is no 
longer involved with the military.  And where was his attention before 
this?  He was looking at the wall and now he is looking at it again.  As 
far as I know, he didn't look away and if he did, why?

	"Nutcracker to Rat King," he spoke over the two-way radio he carried
with him. "Come in, Rat King."

	"Rat King here, Nutcracker. Candyland objective?"

Oh yes, the MST possibilities.  :p

	"Objective one reached, Rat King. Objective Two, Plan A is
attemptable." Plan 'A' was the simple code they had used for a simple back
door entrance. Quick in, quick out. They didn't want to be seen if they
could get away with it.

	"Secure Candyland ASAP, Nutcracker," The Rat King replied
indifferently. 'Nutcracker' smiled. This meant it didn't matter how they
took over Candyland, as long as their main objective was reached.

	"Affirmative."

	Within moments, Nutcracker, and his suite of retired soldiers and
mercenaries were on their way.

What is a suite of soldiers?

Very good beginning.  Not exactly sure where you are taking me and could 
use a little more padding but other than that, I like it.

****

	The life of a simple priest was known to be... well... simple. Wake up
in the morning, worship Nature, God, Buddha, Amaterasu Ohmikami, Fei
Liang, or whatever your particular sect worshipped, then move on to
breakfast. But then, what usually followed was simply thanking Nature,
God, Buddha, Amaterasu Ohmikami, Fei Liang, or... well, you got the
picture.

Get or got?  Whichever sounds better.

	In fact, very few priests did anything other than worship who he was
supposed to worship, study, and devote his life to the worshipee.

Worshipee?  I guess in the bathroom.  :p  Hmm, deity, patron, kami, etc 
but never heard of worshipee.

	Fortunately, Pi Sang, was one of those few priests. In fact, he was
quite sure that if he were one of the OTHER priests, who could do nothing
but worship and study... He quite literally would have lost his mind.

I'm not sure if 'He' should be capitalized.

	Still, being in a jungle temple, miles away from the closest trace of
civilization, which happened to be Pingkiang, in the Wan Fou Shan mountain
range of the Kiangsi province in Southeastern China was not Pi's idea of a
fun life.

	Still, he did get his yearly sabbaticals every now and then, and BOY,
did he have a hell of a time painting the town red. He'd gone to a local
airfield and arranged for passage to Europe, and found he rather enjoyed
Monte Carlo. The Casinos were everything he needed to spice up his dull
life in the priesthood.

Paragraph should start with something other than still.  I'd recommend 
making it the second sentence of the previous paragraph and dropping the 
still.  Also, for a priest in China, he does have interesting finances to 
be able to get out of the country.  Maybe some background on this would 
help believability, if you want to bother.

	But then, his sect wasn't exactly your ordinary sect, either. Very few
priests were ever allowed into the sect, and those who were welcomed in,
were not welcomed because of the level of religious devotion they had.

We are suddenly explaining something here.  As if in apology to Pi Sang's 
earlier actions.  If that is the case, 'But then' might better read as 
'Though this may seem unusual (or whatever) for a priest to behave, etc.'

	It was their loyalty and fighting ability.

	Pi Sang was the head Priest of the Temple of the Goat. Leading a grand
total of four other priests, making five of them once all added up. Their
job?

I'm sure your common reader can add four and one.  :p

	Protect the Shawl with their lives.

	The Shawl itself was nothing much to look at. A simple bundle of
poorly knit cloth, with the simple image of a goat's horns on the side.
One wouldn't expect to need five people to protect a thing that would be
dumped out with the trash at the next garbage day in the city...

The second sentence needs a verb, or needs to be part of the first 
sentence.  Interchange one of the simples with a plain.  It should be four 
dots, not three.

	But the Shawl had a secret. A secret that only the five priests at the
temple, and the grand council in Qinghai knew of.

	Or so he thought.

	"Master Pi," one of the young priests said, coming up to the elder.

	"Yes, what is it?" Pi was quick to lose his temper. It came from his
days when he was younger. Quick, arrogant and impatient.

Paragraph needs a rewrite.  No suggestions in particular, but the last 
phrase has no particular meaning that couldn't be just as well portrayed 
in either of the previous sentences.

	"Master, *we have guests*," the priest said, not losing eye contact.

	Pi's eyes opened wide. "Guests?"

	The younger priest nodded.

	Pi sighed. "Very well," he said. "You know what to do."

	And with that, the younger priest made his exit. Within moments, the
entire temple knew of the uninvited guests... and the guests knew they had
been uncovered.

How many people are in this temple?  Is it just the five priests or do we 
have multiple sects here?  It is a bit confusing because earlier I got the 
impression that Pi was an underling, and then he became a peer when it was 
announced that he was head of this small sect which I had assumed was only 
a small sect in this large temple.  If it is only his sect, then he is 
effectively the most important guy in this place and suddenly has a lot 
more responsibility than what his character started out as.  I suggest 
throwing in a larger passivist sect in the same temple for Pi to feel 
those things about other priests in the beginning.  In the least, you'd 
get a bigger body count when the violence begins.  :p

****

	"Sir!" one of Nutcracker's men called. "We've been--"

	"If you say we've been discovered, I'll rip off your testicles and
shove them down your left nostril," Nutcracker himself replied, shooting a
menacing gaze back to the one who had spoken. "I know already, you idiot.
You think they're ringing those bells because it's time to mambo?"

Drop the himself.

	The man shied back and kept his head low.

Could eliminate the and by making it 'back, keeping his'.

	"All right!" Nutcracker yelled. "Plan A has been compromised, we move
to Plan B." He took a semiautomatic pistol from his belt-holster and
pulled back the hammer. "Terminate any and all complications!"

Woohoo a pistol and a hammer.  Er no wait, the hammer is part of the 
pistol.  My bad.  :p

	With that, one of Nutcracker's men ran up to the wall and planted a
small box at the base. Once he was far enough away, the wall blew in,
shedding dirt and stone over the occupants.

It wouldn't hurt to add some more details to that paragraph to make it a 
fluid sequence of events instead of jumping from setting the bomb to 
suddenly having the guy away from the blast and it tossing debris every 
which way.

	"Locate the objective!" he cried. "Bring it to me!"

Specify who 'he' is.

****

	Pi Sang hugged the wall with all of his strength. Explosives! They had
used explosives on them!

I love you wall!!!  :p  Might want to clarify those other two sentences as 
thoughts with punctuation or something.

	Trained martial artists, they were. All of them were at least sixth
degree, but against guns and explosives?!

They were trained martial artists, all at least sixth degree, but what 
good would that do against guns and explosives?

	Pi looked down into the yard and saw one of the younger priests
crushed by a piece of flying wall. One dead, four to go.

	Pi swore at himself. No, not four to go. The four of them had to
protect the Shawl, they HAD to. If they didn't it meant...

	He released the wall and turned toward the fray. Three of the younger
priests had already jumped into the yard, and were already engaging in
hand-to-hand combat with the intruders.

If there were only five of them to begin with, one crushed and Pi, then 
there were only three left so you might as well say all of the younger 
priests.  Repeating already twice doesn't sound good.

	Pi jumped down only to see one of them get the top of their head blown
away by the weapon of the nearest intruder.

Dammit Pi!  You should have jumped down for another reason.  :p

	Fool! Idiot! He could have disarmed him with ease, there was no way he
could have been so careless!

Link those two phrases better or make them into two sentences.  Also these 
are all thoughts and should be distinguished as such.

	But he was. Pi growled and jumped at the man with a fury never met
before. Within moments, he was without his weapon, and fell to the ground
with a broken neck.

Huge confusion with the pronouns here.

	Pi turned to the next, but paused almost immediately.

Next what?

	*SOMETHING* wasn't right.

	He looked toward the ruin of the wall, and frowned. The other two
priests were holding up okay, ripping through the intruders like they were
mere annoyances, but there was something...

Again four periods not three.

	The glowing ball almost escaped Pi Sang's notice entirely. In fact,
had he been a second later in his movements, he was almost sure it was
have hit him, nearly nailing him against the wall and killing him.

Movements where?  Did Pi just avoid an attack?  Would instead of was.  
Nearly nailing him against the wall would only be a valid description if 
it did hit him.  '... he was almost sure it would have hit him.  If that 
had happened, he imagined that the force from the attack would have 
hurtled him against the wall and killed him.'

	How on Earth? It had been a ki-ball, that was certain. Pi Sang had
heard of them, certainly. Even seen one or two, on occasion, but that was
only by some of the Council Members in Qinghai, or someone with one of the
Twelve Idols.

How on Earth? should be distinguished as a thought.  Pi has seen someone 
with one of the Twelve Idols perform a Chi attack?  This is suddenly news. 
 The Twelve Idols has not been mentioned before.

	But then... what did he just see? Certainly the Council wasn't
attacking. They would not stoop so low as to use guns, and certainly
wouldn't kill their own people in a simple test. Which left two possible
options.

	Either it was a martial artist of such training and caliber that he or
she had mastered throwing a ki-ball, or... someone with one of the Twelve
Idols.

Specify what 'it' is.

	The first was absurd. Anyone with that level of training certainly
wouldn't resort to guns, explosives, or... mercenaries with little combat
training.

Why not?  Even a powerful, evil, martial artist realizes five to one odds 
are not in his/her favor.

	Which could only mean the second. They had one of the Twelve Idols,
which could only mean...

that they want to abduct Akane!  Damn those people with Idols!  :p

	The Shawl! He had to get to the Shawl!

	Turning quickly toward the inner temple, Pi Sang ran. He had to get to
the Shawl before they did. What would he do then, however? The only
possible option would be to find his way to Qinghai. Of course, he could
catch a train to Xining at the closest town, only a half-days journey, and
find his way into the mountains later. It would have to work, otherwise--

Possessive on the half-day's.  Not sure about the need for the hyphen.  
I'm not sure what he is planning here.  Is he planning to disappear into 
the mountains?   Why not try to contact the council in Qinghai?  Need to 
be a bit clearer as to the route he is planning on taking.  I'm not sure 
if his destination is Qinghai on the other side of the mountains that a 
train from Xining will take him to or if he's going to take a train from 
Xining to Qinghai and then disappear into the nearby mountains.

	The noise of the gunshot was loud, it nearly deafened Pi Sang, but as
he tumbled end of end, his main concern wasn't the sound, nor was it the
splitting pain he felt in his shoulder. His bone was shattered, that much
was certain, but... how was that gunshot so close?

Missing 'that' or a 'so' in first sentence.  How does one tumble end of 
end?  Pi's a pretty tough guy if he just got shot.  Does he get shot all 
the time or does he just have that much discipline being a rowdy priest 
training with dice in Monte Carlo?  :p  Maybe he should be gritting 
through the pain or something.

	He clamped one hand on his shoulder and rose to his knees, looking
toward the direction he had been running from.

Towards not toward.

	Sure enough, a man stood there. A large man, wearing a tight fitting
camouflage tank-top. His muscles bulged from beneath, and his
army-issue fatigues did little to hide the man's apparent background.

Exactly what is apparent about this man's background?  I'm totally lost 
with this vague description.  I need more background.  If you mean by 
military background, well, anybody can get their hands on a pair of 
fatigues.  Just a quick stop to the Salvation Army.  I have a friend in 
college with a pair.

	"The Shawl, old man," the man said, in perfect Mandarin.

	Pi Sang backed up a step, his eyes scanning the man. How had--

	Then he had seen it. He had seen it, and disbelief riddled the old
Priest's senses.

How old is Pi?  I thought he was much younger than 'old'.

	The man in front of him placed his gun back in the holster. "Yeah," he
said, fiddling with the striped bracelets on is wrists. Also, around his
ankles were a matching pair of anklets. "You know what these are, don't
you?"

Watch the pronouns in the first sentence.  'his' instead of 'is'.  Those 
must not be long fatigues and I guess the guy isn't wearing boots if his 
ankles can be seen.

	"The... Tiger," Pi stammered. "How...?"

	"Come on, Old Man. You think it was hard? Honestly, those guys in
Korea couldn't guard their Grandmother."

	"You know not of what you're doing!" Pi exclaimed. "You cannot know
what you will bring upon us!"

	"Oh, it's not me that will be bringing it," the man said. "I just work
for the guy."

	The bracelets, Pi Sang thought to himself. It was true. The Tiger's
Den in Korea had been destroyed, their Idols taken... which happened to be
the set of bracelets and anklets the stranger was wearing. That particular
Idol granted speed beyond anything. Anyone found wearing them could outrun
an airplane. But... that didn't explain the ki-ball... unless...

Again distinguish thoughts.  Hmm, perhaps the 'Anyone found wearing them' 
sentence should be dropped and appended to the previous sentence to read 
'... speed beyond anything, even an airplane.'

	"The... Dragon?" Pi Sang asked meekly.

	The man scoffed. "Naw, not yet," he said. "But we do have the Monkey.
That would have been Kelly."

Kelly who?  Kelly's a Monkey?  Er I mean Kelly was the guardian of the 
Monkey?

	"No," Pi said, the colour draining from his face. Still, if they
hadn't gotten the Dragon yet.

Color, no need to give the british version of this unless you really, 
really want to.  The second sentence seems like a contemplation and should 
be distinguished like all the aforementioned thoughts.  Mreh.  :p

	"Now," the man continued. "The Shawl, old man."

	Pi Sang weighed his options. Could he outrun a man wearing the Tiger's
Idol, or... would he succumb to the man's wishes and give in to death?

	Either way would bring death... Just one quicker than the other, but
with the first option, there was still a CHANCE.

	He looked around meekly. The woman with the Idol of the Rooster almost
certainly stood outside of the temple walls. Did they have more Idols?
Could they have more than six? The Monkey was in Japan, but the Dragon was
still in China. Had they reached that far east yet? Could they already
have gotten the Idols in North America and Europe?

Idol of the Rooster?  Why would he know this?  These are a lot of 
questions that are probably thoughts and should be distinguished as such, 
etc.

	Pi Sang took a deep breath. He had to try.

	Clutching at his shoulder, Pi Sang took flight, jumping high over the
temple walls.

So he's leaving the shawl behind?  Sheesh, some guardian he turned out to 
be.  :p

****

	Nutcracker shook his head sadly. "Idiot," he cursed, ready to give
chase to the old man that jumped over the wall. He could easily take his
time, it hardly mattered. After all, the old man would be easy to find. In
fact, he'd probably slip into a coma and die from blood loss alone. It was
much too far to the closest city.

'that had jumped' assuming that the man has already disappeared over the 
wall.

	"Ahh, screw it," he said, then turned around. All the other priests
were dead, no problem. He looked around the temple and located a small
building at the center of the yard. Doubtless, that was where the Shawl
was kept.

	He stepped into the building and smiled at the old cloth sitting at
the center of the altar. He reached over and picked it up--

	"--In Japan, that's where they brought it!"

	He dropped it almost instantly, then blinked at it.

	Interesting. That had been his bosses voice... and face. He could have
sworn... That meant that the Shawl was meant for the positive. The Yin.
The Male. But its purpose...

Four dots not three whenever ending a sentence that trails off.

	Nutcracker smiled. That was obvious.

It covers your head.  :p

	Precognition.

	Lifting it with his boot, he dropped it into a small pack and picked
up his radio, stepping out into the yard once again. All his men stood
there, staring at Nutcracker. From the corner of his eye, he saw Kelly
poke her head into the courtyard, winking at him.

Ok, Kelly the guardian of the Monkey is working with the Nutcracker dude.  
I guess Pi isn't such a bad guy after all.  It's not like he joined up 
with the bad guys.  :p

	"Nutcracker to Rat King. Candyland secure," he said over the radio.

	"Have you lost any toys, Nutcracker?"

	"One, but the toy is damaged."

	"How damaged?"

	"Fatally."

	"Good work, Nutcracker. Retrieve the sheep and clean up Candyland. I
want you out of Kiangsi ASAP."

	"Affirmative."

	Little more than five minutes later, the temple was no more than a
charred spot on the map of China.

Hmm.  Apparently Rat King's version of Clean is from an oven setting.  Too 
bad they had to ruin the map like that.  :p

I really am liking this story.  Hasn't quite gotten around to involving 
Ranma in it but this is panning out to be pretty good 'Ranma saves the 
world from the artifact collecting fiends' story.

****

	Pi Sang sighed, and stared toward the sky, thanking whoever was in
charge up there profusely.

	It had been most grueling the first twelve hours after his escape. Not
having use of his arm and the constant bleeding had slowed him down
considerably. In fact, he had almost died.

	But after twelve hours of running on pure adrenaline, he stumbled
across the civilized world.

	It was merely a farm. A simple farm, and he frantically ran and
knocked on the door, begging for medical attention from whoever was
home...

	Unfortunately, the twilight had been at it's peak, and nobody
answered. Pi Sang fell into unconsciousness at their doorstep.

	Two days later, he had woken, his arm patched up and laying in a
hospital bed. It didn't take him long to figure out where he was, and what
he had to do.

Sheesh, his arm got pretty good treatment.  Too bad they didn't let him 
have a bed too.  Awakened is a better choice than woken.

	From then, it was a day's ride on the train, and then another five
days following the trail between Xining and the area around Mount
Quanjing, where the Council was known to have their central meetings.

I'm not sure if you wanted to use then or there in the first sentence.  
Ok, now the path between Xining and Quanjing is explained without 
confusion.  Thank you.

	And so, there he stood, in the open-roofed auditorium. Kind of an
amphitheater of sorts, with countless stone seats all around him. He stood
in the center of the room, surrounded by no less than fifteen people.
Twelve of which were the people who made up the backbone of the council.
The other three were simply guards and those who presided over the
meetings.

Second sentence needs a verb or to be tacked to the first sentence.  Drop 
the 'no less than' if there is only fifteen people.  If he can only see 
fifteen people, state it as 'at least' instead of 'no less than'.  Change 
'which' to 'them' in the next sentence unless you plan on making this 
sentence part of the previous sentence.  If there are more than fifteen 
people the last sentence should state that 'Only three others were 
visible, either being guards or servants of the council.'  Otherwise if 
there is fifteen exact you can leave as is.

	"You speak truth, Pi Sang?" One of the council members asked.

	Pi Sang nodded. "My word is my life."

	He received a collective sigh from around the council. "If this is
true," another said. "That means they have at least three."

The sentence should read "If this is true," another said, "that means they 
have at least three."

	"Or more," another said.

	Another collective silence.

The first time it was a collective sigh, not silence.

	"Pi Sang," the man at the zenith of the room spoke. "You may now
leave, thank you for surviving to tell us the story of this grave news."

The last statement should be two sentences with a period after 'leave'.

	Pi Sang nodded his head and bowed out of the room, making his way out.

Hmm that doesn't sound right, almost like he leaves the room twice.  
Perhaps he should '... bowed respectfully, making his way out.'

	A moment after he left, the Council continued to speak.

Awww no Collective Soul.  :p

	"The Tiger and Goat," One said. "That is two more than we have known
about."

	"The others are still secure, however. They may not know of the
location of them."

	"With the Shawl of the Goat, they are almost assured the locations of
the last six Idols."

	"Then I see only one possible option," another said.

	"And that is?"

	"We must collect the final six before they have a chance... And we
must fight against them!"

	"Impossible!" another exclaimed. "Pure heresy! Those in our bloodline
are forbidden to use any of the Idols! We would forfeit our honour AND our
souls by that action! By the Gods, we barely know where the other Idols
are!"

Honour should be honor, unless you really, really want to write it that 
way.

	"We have no choice!"

	"Actually, we do," one of the non-council said. "Those in our number,
those of our tribe are forbidden to use any of the idols."

The comma is not a valid separation between number and those.  I suggest 
the ... separator.

	"You tell us things we already know," another said. "Get to the
point."

	"There may be one we can trust to watch over the one Idol we have in
our possession... and who we may trust to collect the final five."

	"How may we trust anyone outside of our tribe, save the priests? And
even then, the priests were no match for the man wearing the Tiger's
Idol!"

	"The person I speak of is cursed by Jusenkyo," he continued. "By the
Nyannichuan."

As these are Chinese peoples (mreh) I think they call Jusenkyo something 
else.  Don't ask me though, I'm just letting you know this may be a minor 
discrepancy.

	There was a collective silence around the council.

Oh my!  Who is this man that speaks so familiarly about the pig tailed 
girl?  Still being shorted out on Collective Soul here.  :p

	The one who spoke lowered his hood and looked upon the council. "He
may be trusted," the man said. "And he is stronger than any single idol by
itself, that much has been proven by his overtaking of the One with the
Monkey Idol."

When did he overtake the Monkey Idol?  I forget this so please everyone 
who is reading this, boo and hiss my ignorance.  Thank you, thank you, I 
love you all so much.  :p

	"Still, they have SIX Idols, Prince Herb," another Councilman spoke.
"Surely he is not that strong!"

When did they get SIX?  And when did Herb get to be a member of the 
Quanjing?  No fair.  I never get to be a member of exclusive clubs.  :p

	Herb smirked at the councilman. "Indeed he may be. He defeated me not
long ago, and soon after saved my life. That should speak on his
trustworthiness, and to further announce his strength... He was also able
to best the Phoenix-God."

	Chatter took place all over the room almost instantly. Cries of
disbelief and heresy, cries of rebuttal against Prince Herb's statement,
and general cries against the very fact that one who is half-female could
protect anything!

Heresy?  For what?  By the way the last sentence doesn't seem to have a 
verb.

	But then... the Dragon Idol could give him an ideal start. A very
ideal start. But no, it would have been tricky. The Dragon Idol was a
Negative force. Meant for the female of the species, he would have to be
female. If the ones who have been stealing the Idols knew the secret of
Jusenkyo, then they knew the man's weakness.

These are thoughts I think.  I'm just not sure who is thinking them.

	Still...

	"Enough!" the man at the zenith cried. "This man, who is he?"

	Herb closed his eyes. "Ranma Saotome of Japan."

	The man nodded. "Then this is what shall be done. We shall send the
Dragon Idol to this Ranma Saotome, only when we can be assured of his
ability to protect the Idol shall we bestow upon him the task of searching
for the other Idols."

Rewording of the last sentence to "When we can be assured of his ability 
to protect the Idol, we shall send the Dragon to this Ranma Saotome and 
bestow upon him the task of searching for the other Idols."

On further discovery I realize that this should be reworded to "We shall 
send the Dragon Idol to this Ranma Saotome.  Only when we can be assured 
of his ability to protect the Idol, shall we bestow upon him the task of 
searching for the other Idols."

	"How shall we test him?"

I suppose it doesn't matter who asked this question.

	The man looked at Herb. "You shall watch him."

I assume the man is meaning Herb.

****

	"So what the heck is it?" Ranma asked, picking the small plaster idol
out of the box. Small foam peanuts littered the floor all around. "And if
it's so important, why did they send it through general post?"

	"Don't be foolish, boy. Obviously to cease suspicions!" Genma said,
scolding his son. "Well, what's the deal, Tendo?"

	"It says here," Soun began, holding the small paper in front of him.
"To whom it may concern-- it has recently come to our attention that
within your household reside several martial artists of exceptional
caliber. We thusly request your assistance in a problem that has been
plaguing our sect for quite some time."

I thought they weren't going to send this yet.

	"Sect? This is from some cult?" Ranma scoffed.

	Unfettered, Soun continued. "The Dragon Idol, although it looks
relatively new, has been in existence for well over two thousand years.
It, and the eleven others of its kind have been protected by our kind for
nearly half that time. It has come to our attention that another of its
kind was recently found in your possession, given to you as a gift by the
priests of Monkey Mountain."

	"Hey, wasn't that where we got the battle suit?" Ranma asked, wincing
in memory of the... thing that Akane had been so attached to.

	Soun nodded. "Indeed," he said, continuing. "Over the past year, six
of the twelve total pieces have been stolen by a person or persons
unknown. The only description we have is a man, possibly American
military, or ex-military, wearing the Idol of the Tiger."

	"Tiger?... Wait, so they want us to protect this thing from this
military guy?"

	"We beg of you, please watch over the idol as if your life depends
upon it, as it more than likely does. And whatever you do, be careful in
the handling of it. It has a mind of its own."

	"If it's anything like Akane's battle suit, then are we sure we even
want it here?" Ranma asked.

	Genma whapped his son across the back of his said. "Of course, boy!
It's the sacred duty of any martial artist to protect those who need it,
trouble or not!"

	"Oh, sure," Ranma shot back. "That's why you gave the Battle Suit away
to the secondhand shop?"

	Soun read to the bottom of the page and sighed. "It's not even
signed."

	Ranma turned the idol over in his hands and examined it closely.

	The idol itself looked like no more than painted pottery. A swirling
oriental dragon sitting upon a cloud. In fact, it looked more second rate
than ancient. Ranma turned it over in his hands, to look at the bottom. It
wasn't flat, as he expected, but rather had two feet protruding out from
the bottom, and a third protrusion, the cloud, to rest upon.

Hmm having trouble seeing this, but good description.  I'm seeing this as 
a dragan sitting up on the cloud (hence the two feet protruding out from 
the bottom) with its arm crossed and staring bored at the observer.  :p

	All in all, it looked second rate, but there was something more
unusual about it than that... and Ranma just couldn't place his finger on
it.

	"I say we leave it in the Dojo for now," Genma said. "On the shrine,
perhaps."

	"Why not just lay a sign out front saying, 'Free Magic Idol!'?" Ranma
quipped. "It'd be like laying out the red carpet for whoever wants this
thing."

	"It's not confirmed yet that the people who are after it even KNOW of
it's location, boy!" Genma shot back. "Chances are they don't, and may
never know."

	"You just want it in an easy to reach location so you can sell it
whenever you get the chance, Pop!"

	"Ranma! Don't you speak to your Father in such a negligent tone!"
Genma shouted.

Negligent?

	"And what, may I ask, is the problem *now*?" A fourth, distinctly
female voice asked from the doorway.

	Nabiki removed her shoes and walked into the room, dropping her
schoolbag beside the door.

	"Hi Nabiki," Ranma said, eyeing his father warily. "Nothing important,
just some idol we're supposed to protect."

	Nabiki's eyebrow rose appraisingly at the mention of the word 'idol'.
Idols usually meant fame, which meant cash, which meant Nabiki was happy.
"Oh?" she feigned disinterest. "What kind of idol?"

	"It comes from a sect in China," Soun said, breaking in to the
conversation. "Apparently there are eleven other pieces to complete the
whole, although not much more information was given. It's of relation to
the suit we got from Monkey Mountain."

	Nabiki's eyebrow raised even further. She knew all too well of the
fiasco with the Battle Suit. In fact, she had found the whole situation a
generous distraction from her day-to-day life. Although her life was
exciting to a point, Ranma's presence gave it that... spontaneity she so
longed for.

	Of course, she didn't love him. As far as Nabiki understood, she was
incapable of romantic love. The only love she was able to feel, or let
herself feel was familial in nature. That's the only level she could let
it go to... And Ranma himself lay within that area.

Shifting POV here but I haven't really been paying much attention to this 
throughout the story.  These little insights into Nabiki don't really add 
to the story concerning Idols and what not.  It would be enough to simply 
say that she remembered the entire fiasco and thought it fun.  You can 
delve into personal affairs when they become more crucial to the 
storyline.

	"And the argument?" Nabiki asked.

	Ranma sighed. "Pop here wants to leave the idol out for the world to
see--"

	"I merely mentioned that to place it upon the shrine in the Dojo--"

	"Shove it, old man!" Ranma said. "If there are people after this,
then--"

	Nabiki didn't hear the rest. People were after the idol, then? How
interesting... That could only mean one thing... it was valuable. If
people were after it, then that meant it was VERY valuable.

	"I agree fully with Ranma," Nabiki said, stabbing her finger into the
air for effect. "The shrine is not a wise place to keep it! In fact, I
don't think it should be kept in any place easily accessible, or likely,
either!"

	Soun blinked. "Nabiki...?" he began.

	"Therefore, being a daughter of the Tendo School of Anything-Goes
Martial Arts, I shall do the duty that has been required of me and...
assist in the stealth mission for the idol!"

	Ranma's eyes crossed almost immediately. Was Nabiki serious? She
couldn't...

	Genma just stared at Nabiki, his facial expression a mixture of shock
and confusion.

	Soun, however... bought it hook, line and sinker. "Oh, Nabiki! I'm so
proud of you, daughter! Finally taking to your roots within the Dojo."

	Needless to say, Nabiki got to keep the idol with her.

Cool.  Attaboy Nabiki er um girl.  I wonder what the council will think 
when she tries to hock this thing to the highest bidder, assuming of 
course that this is what Nabiki would do in this situation.

****

	"Let's see now," Nabiki said, talking to herself. "Paint job is good
quality... no colouring outside the lines on this one."

	She kept a monocle around for just such an occasion, which were
admittedly not that often... For the occasion that she'd have to appraise
jewelry, or pottery.

Single period after often.  I don't see why this sentence would trail off. 
 The second sentence needs a verb or to be tacked to the previous 
sentence.

	In this case, it was the latter.

	She had brought the idol up to her room for further study, but after
her original appraisal, had figured it wouldn't be worth much,
therefore... there had to be a hidden worth buried within it.

Yes.  Endow Nabiki with the power of the Dragon.  Bwuhahahaha.  :p  Also 
end the first sentence after much and start the new sentence with 
'Therefore ... there had to' etc.

	Besides the fact that it looked like a bad knock-off of a toy dragon,
there had been nothing else wrong with it. The paint job was perfect, in
fact... you almost could swear the dragon itself was real, and that it was
merely frozen in place on a white rock that just happened to be shaped as
a cloud.

Drop the 'in fact' and simply say 'you could almost swear'.  I'll believe 
it is a fact without needing you to tell me so.  Also it should be two 
sentences with a period after perfect and starting the next with You.

	But it had been simple to determine that the dragon itself was made of
ceramic. The sound of it hitting the floor was enough to prove that.
Strangely enough, however, it hadn't broken.

Nabiki is banging this thing on the floor?  Not exactly the way to treat 
something of value.  :p

	But still... Even as Nabiki examined the thing closely with her
monocle, she could swear there was something funny about the idol, even
though her examinations hadn't shown anything out of the ordinary.

Drop the 'but still...' and change 'as' to 'though'.  The dramatic is 
simply too awkward for the sentence that follows it.

	Nabiki yawned and looked out the window. The thing couldn't be worth
anything, she thought as she stared out into the night, and it was already
getting late. She got up and flipped the lights in her room off and lay
down in her bed.

The first sentence should end at night.  Have her look at the clock or 
something to note that it was late as looking out into a dark sky isn't 
exactly a good determination of how late it is getting.  If you are 
implying that she knows it is getting late regardless of what she is 
looking at, then it should end with '... the night, and she knew it was 
getting late.'  The 'it' simply doesn't work here because at first night 
is a representation of what's outside and then you are using 'it' to refer 
to what's outside getting later which can't really be determined by 
looking outside.  Grrrr, whatever.  It just sounds funny.  Maybe it works.

	It wasn't until then that she realized what was so funny about the
Idol.

	The eyes... glowed.

	No, they didn't move, or show any forms of life whatsoever, but the
moment she noticed the eyes glowed, she flicked her light switch back on.
She took a close look at the idol, paying close attention to the eyes.
They glowed in the dark, and to an extent... glowed in the light. It just
wasn't as noticeable.

Cool.  I assume that this isn't a decoy then.  They really did send this 
thing without testing Ranma first.  I guess looking back at that earlier 
statement, I misread your intentions about what the man at the zenith was 
saying.  Apparently he was saying he was going to send this.  Then if 
Ranma proved worthy they would teach him how to use it.  If that was the 
case, and seems to be, that should have been two separate sentences 
beforehand.  Hold on while I hop back to there and change my suggestions.

	She reached out to touch the dragon's eyes with her finger, half
expecting to feel some form of heat. After all, light did shed heat, no
matter what the source. It seemed conceivable that this... idol, did--

	She paused in shock as her finger grew closer to the eye. It glowed
deep red when she was nearly touching it. She withdrew her hand and
watched the eyeball intently. It lightened its shade back to a dull
yellow.

	Experimentally, she reached for the other eyeball with her other hand,
expecting something similar to happen.

	And something did. It began to glow a dark blue, in opposite contrast
to the deep red of the other eye.

	Nabiki leaned back for a moment, staring at the idol. If one eye
glowed blue, and the other red... then what would happen if she approached
both at the same time?

Purple!

	Nabiki raised both of her hands to either side of the idol, reaching
closer and closer to the beady eyes of the dragon. Soon, each eye began
glowing deep red and blue, the colour strengthening as she drew nearer.

Colours or colors, or whatever.  Should be plural.

	Finally, she cupped the idol with her hands, and pressed her thumbs
onto the eyes. She expected nothing to happen.

Why would she expect nothing to happen?  She must be expecting something, 
like maybe it unlocks or something and inside of the statue is diamonds or 
something.  If she felt there was nothing going to happen, why on earth 
bother?

	But she hadn't expected the unexpected.

	Nabiki gave a loud shriek as all hell broke loose around her.

Oh no, she opened a gate to hell!  Mreh  :p

I love what you are doing.  This is a very good story so far, with maybe a 
few things to do here and there.  Sure it may seem like I commented on a 
lot of things but that is bound to happen in something this long.  We all 
have tendencies to skip the details and just plow into the story.  That's 
why these things are called drafts.  We're supposed to go back and do all 
that crap later.

I really want to see more of this and I would be all too happy to do this 
again.  Sure I know I got a little carried away and passed a few jokes 
here and there but I'm just letting you know that I enjoyed the story.  
And that is what writing is all about: entertaining audiences.  Mission 
accomplished, job well done.  Now get back to work.  :p

Ciaow

****

------------------------------------------
  "Tyd, you need a smaller .sig. :-)"
   - Gary Kleppe, FFiRC
------------------------------------------
  "Are you designated human?"
  "Uhh, negative. I am a meat popsicle."
   - The Fifth Element
------------------------------------------
  "Meddle not in the affairs of dragons,
   for you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup..."
   - Bumper Sticker.
------------------------------------------

Questions? Comments? Flames? Email Me.

~ The TydRipper


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