I found the writing itself quite interesting in this, though
the story was rather less so.

ouch, I'm sorry. I guess its pretty clear this wasnt an episode in normal
ranma life, though I wouldnt call it anything like a characters sketch
either. I wasnt trying to say anything about ranma in general, more just
about those few minutes in what could easily have been his life.

  Yeah, it is late for the first,

If this was supposed to be an April Fool's fanfic, that fact
is not obvious from the fic itself.

when else would I post a foolish thing like this

I offer this, my first effort but not likely my last

This is a first fanfic?  Very impressive writing.

first ranma fanfic. Ive been writing for a while, but never used someone
elses characters before.

If this is your first, though, I'd better reiterate:  what
follows is MY opinion only; take or leave, as you please,
whatever you find useful.

thats exactly what I was looking for. actually if you maintained they were
cold facts instead of opinions, that would be welcome too.

A story about five minutes in the world of Ranma, where they
lose a little bit of Ranma. For a reason.

Is that was this was about?  While the story contains some
compelling images, I couldn't really figure out what it
was 'about'.  In particular, how did 'they' lose 'a little bit'
of Ranma?

err, i guess that was a bad opeing statement. couldnt really think of how to
introduce this. with out getting way into it yet, the lose a little bit of
his character, by which i mean, he drops down a few notches closer to the
normal reality he night face in our world, well below the fantasy of his
own. Like I said, I was feeling Bill Hicks-y.

  It was night, maybe still late evening, though the sun was
not visible, hidden by large opaque clouds to the far West from
where it would not return. Saotome Ranma sat perched, smoking,
on the roof of an unknown house in the far reaches of Nerima, a
house he neither knew the address nor the owners of, nor had he
ever seen by day. He was squatting on the curved tile spine of the
roof with one finger pointed out before him for extra balance, and
he was listening to the rush of flowing water.

That's quite an extraordinary start to a fanfic.  The first
sentence is good imagery, though I think it could stand more work.

I wanted the sentence to be very plain and drab, as if ranma was repeating
it to himself only because he had to. As if the the information stated
theirin was of no real interest to him at the moment, but he was leeting it
be said anyway.

The second sentence, however, really strikes the reader as unusual.

good, i guess

Suggest some rework, though, as follows:

   It was sunset, the sun hidden by large angry clouds in the west.
   Saotome Ranma sat perched in the growing darkness, smoking, on
   the roof of an anonymous house far from his usual haunts.

I hate words like 'usual haunts.' Not me at all. and the clouds werent
angry, i think that suggests emotional curiosity on ranmas part which he
doesnt have here. If he could get away with saying 'big dumb air blotches'
he would.

He

   neither knew nor cared who the owners were. He squatted on the
   curved tile spine of the roof, one finger poised for extra
   balance, as he listened to the rush of flowing water.

Shorter sentences usually make for bigger impact than long ones
(use long ones to lull your unsuspecting readers into thinking
you're not about to surprise them).  Concrete details help.

this is very true, but like I said, im not trying to give the reader the
beginning to a new ranma ep for his enjoyment. this is supposed be kind of
like a car crash in Takahashi land.

All this, however, is just practice:  the core image which remains
is yours, and quite striking indeed.

thank you, and I do know what you mean. Your suggestions were right on the
money.

  It always started as the sound you hear riding a bicycle
through thick fog. Just a far away whisper. And then you would
begin to hear the sloshing around the rocks, then the hiss of the
faster current, and finally the burbling of the surface water
itself, a much greater noise, but somehow hidden behind that
of the others.

Again, I find this quite striking in conception, but wordy.
If you cut to about 2/3 this length, I think it will be even
more effective.

well, hes passing the time, and droning thoughts get wordy.

Confused, though, about the source of the sound of water.  Is
this objective or subjective?

subjective. the water is the flow of attention, chi, or something similar.

  He stopped breathing for an instant and let the hot smoke
chimney up his nostrils and burn the sensitive skin. It hurt, though
it was the fourth time he done so with this long Taiwanese
cigarette.

Good details.  Good description.

yeah, I thought 'Taiwanese' helped

  "Shhhhhhhhhhhh...." he finally allowed himself.

  He sat on the roof of a house in a place he was mostly sure
that he couldn't possibly run into or be found by anyone related to
him, either by blood, by law, or rage-uttered personal oath. He
laughed when he thought about Ryoga, nodded when he thought
about Kuno, smiled when he considered Shampoo, frowned when
he visualized Akane, probably asleep on her futon, thinking about
some facet of her life. All of them, always there. Always more than
he last counted, and always the bringers of some new emotion. It
was funny how the more they hated him(or loved for that matter),
the closer they became up until the onset of a physical conflict,
which he always won, and always sent the loser home with a
lesson in personal diplomacy.

  "...it," he finished.

Heh.  Very nice touch; I didn't expect this from its beginning.

I'd recommend trimming the paragraph about his thoughts, though.
Consider adding with descriptive detail when he pictures the people
other than Akane, similar to the way you have Ranma picturing Akane
sleeping (btw, Akane has a regular bed, not a futon).

gotcha

And given the mood you're successfully establishing, I'd recommend
you delete the last two lines or so; Ranma's ego need not, IMO,
be brought up.

very true. I need to dump that last line.

  It filled some small errant desire in him to do this once a
month and let his mind indulge in the fear of the unknown. Ranma
had no doubt that he was a model among men, but over the last
year or so he had noticed the smallest tinge of something like
xenophobia or possibly agoraphobia.

The first sentence starts well, I think.  I'd reconsider "fear
of the unknown", though.  May just "let his mind indulge", or
"let his mind wander".  And the second sentence, IMO, needs work
too; I'd take out the first clause entirely, and just start
with "Over the last year or so..."

I agree

But how can xenophobia,

fear of foreigners or the alien, be mistaken for agoraphobia,
fear of open spaces?  This last bit needs to be more concrete,
I think.

well both xenophobia and agoraphobia probably feel to the patient as this
strange, unnatural sense of dread at experiencing unfamilar things. and not
really knowing anything about medicine or biology, i think these might be
conclusions ranma could possibly consider.

  It had happened like this. Weeks ago, he who calls himself
Ryoga had borrowed a bokken from him with some fairly nice

don't see the point of "he who calls himself".

more of the distancing himself. this is a memory he is trying to
dissasociate himself from, remember

  Shampoo had been with him at the time, and they were
chatting about school, and why she should really go if she ever
wanted to get out from under her great grandmother's thumb
(Ranma's idea), and upon seeing Ryoga bust through their fence,
probably with the use of directions supplied by Akane's sister, she
had smiled and walked away to let whatever was going to happen,
happen without her. Ranma had looked over at the form of his
furious friend, felt the intense battle aura tingle against his nose,
and had waited for the first sign of impending combat.
That sign was a tightening of his waist usually followed
closely by a hot flash on his face as his brain shifted its
concentration to his muscle.

While the detail here is nice, I began to lose the thread
of the narrative at "waited for the first sign of impending
combat."

well a mad ryoga usually precedes a big fight. so he specifies the first
sign as a feeiling in his waist and face (unimportant). Its how he remembers
himself going from casual and relaxed while talkiong to a girl, to fighting
an equal. If you think about it, im sure you could remember how your body
reacts to sudden danger. I guess for me its a full body tightness, and a
sinking stomach. I imagine ranma's is less intimidating, and probably
somewhat comfortable due to his vast experience.

  And of course that happened as he knew it would. But he
had realized in that long past instant that the reaction
hadn't been a true reaction this time. No. It had been an
instinct, one-second-delayed and perfectly punctual at the
sight and feel of Ryoga's rippling shape.

And here I'm completely lost.  He had the reaction he was
expecting, but it wasn't a "true" reaction?  It was both
"one second delayed" and "perfectly punctual"?  While your
language itself is nice, and flows quite well if I don't
stop to parse it, it doesn't seem to bear close examination
to try to figure out what you mean.  You're not clear,
in other words.

true, but i didnt want to be too clear here. the specifics arent important.
whats neccessary to convey here is that he realized ryoga's battle aura and
intimidating presence didnt 'shock' him into ranma-battle-mode like he had
been expecting. ryogas presence had failed to shock him at all (maybe
because hes getting a tiny bit jaded, hmm?) and he just sort of tightened
his waist and made his face flush in an unconscious way of keeping the
feeling familiar. This i guess is what Im saying. He realizes that on some
level he needs this constant combat, this openness to attack by anyone of a
dozen 'mortal enemies.' its his place in life, his ego is based on it, he
likes on a deeper level than he realizes. And so when for whatever reason
ryoga fails to scare him, he realizes that his body sort of faked the harsh
reaction to keep him feeling comfoprtable. He talks about this later on, and
it is the source of his distress and slight peevish attitude. Like he says
later, how many times has this happened before? Its not that he fears the
combat any more or less now, but he wonders how long hes been taking
egotistical credit for loving and digging the spectacular combat-rush that
may have been somewhat fake. Like, if hes not really all that worried about
a fight with ryoga, can he take as much credit for kicking his ass? (If in
fact he kicks his ass?) You see? I thought this came of clearer than it did.
You have to sort take interest in that thought to get anythiong out of this
story, which may be why you say it was dull.

And "feel"?  They haven't come into contact yet.

well he can feel the aura with his chi. thats a big thing in martial arts.

The whole line, "sight and feel of Ryouga's rippling shape",
tends to suggest that this fic is headed in a yuri
direction.  If that's NOT what you intended,

of course not, the idea hadnt even entered my mind. but maybe i should
change it, your right

  Shaking his head at Ryoga after a moment where he
considered whether or not to care about this little discrepancy, the
other man cocked his head back, dropped the pieces of the
shattered wooden sword, and asked, "What?"

Strikes me as a bit OOC for Ryouga to stop his charge at
the hint of Ranma acting slightly different.

i imagine he drops a little out of character upon seeing ranma do it. Their
both a little ooc here. I imagine thats how this thing would work in the
fictional world.

  Ranma had looked down after a second and shrugged. "I
don't know," he had said. "Something just felt wrong."

  "What are you sick?"

needs a comma after the "What".  Wow, an actual grammar
comment; rare in this C&C, which shows again that your
writing itself is quite good.

thanks, noted

  Ranma had been thinking about that afternoon off and on
for a solid month now. It had completely stopped 'bothering' him,
but the fact that it had been such a weird, uncharacteristic thought

I thought it was a reaction?  Now it's a thought?

well here he means the thought that he should actually analyze him self
without much of a reason

had not let him forget it; especially the moment where he realized
he was actually going to try to figure out why the reaction had
been fake and not real.

It was fake because it was delayed by one second?

it was fake because he noticed himself faking it. Additionally, it was a
little time delayed, showing his body knew what it was doing.

a self of the recent past. A self that had fit in, otherwise
perfectly,
in the sequence of selves up until that second and for every fraction
of a second afterward until the present.

uh, oh, somehow we've drifted into an Evangelion fic here... ;)

that wouldnt be to bad would it?

  He stopped breathing once more and let his nostril bite a
small whiff of smoke.

Good break.  There's a real constrast, I find, between the
not-very-specific, or not-very-meaningful-to-me, thoughts which
Ranma is thinking, and the concreteness of his physical surroundings
and actions.  I think your goal is to make his thoughts equally
concrete, and, given that it's Ranma, this should be by cutting
words and using more pictures, or maybe martial-arts-related
similes.

right. I wanted it very choppy, the call sign of man in slight disarray

comfortable. When it could, anyway. Training allowed greater
chances for that, and this simple exercise with the cigarette fell
well within those bounds.

  He didn't even like cigarettes.

I like this detail too.  This is training, somehow, similar in
unpleasantness to many his father subjected him to.

right

  So he squatted there, rocking himself back and forth mere
millimeters as his single finger made tiny, minuscule corrections in
applied force in completely subconscious reactions to the tiny
changes in a barely perceptible wind; and he looked at the clouds
in the distance, and he wondered where the sun was, and then he
thought about what a damn riot it would be if he had Shampoo and
Akane both in one of his harder classes next year.

???  That's the end?

hahaha yup

"Damn riot", maybe; but certainly painful

for Ranma, I'd think.  Ranma should know perfectly well that
Akane and Shampoo seldom fight each other; all his girl friends
are far more likely to hit Ranma, on purpose or by accident,
then each other.  Fights between them are rare.

its not really the fights hes worried about. suddenly subjected to some
uncharacteristic grim reality in the last five minutes, hes starting to
think about what a pain it is to have to keep relationships between two of
the prominent women in his life straight.

furthermore, i was kind of using shampoo as a metaphor for his sex drive in
this story. As if his body said to him (a month beforehand) while he was
interuppted in the midst of talking to shampoo (what his *body* really wants
under all the layers of
actual ranma personality)) his own body sort of says to him "hey, heads up
buddy, you know Ill stop doing what I really want to do (getting off on
shampoo) because you are the boss and I respect that, really, but Im going
to let you know I do it sort of grudgingly right now. Heres a little present
of a thought to keep you from getting all comfortable up there." And then
the body fakes the reaction to make it self happy and ranma gets worried.
This is all metaphorical of course, and dont start thinking his body is
alive separately from his head or anything, but the different parts of the
body often (always, really) work with eachother by doing separate, different
jobs, and a sensitive, higher conscious person like ranma is often aware of
these transpirings.

I hope the point of this came across

Well, if the point was to give us some striking images and
food for thought, yes; otherwise, no.

those two things, and maybe a self doubt or two was what i was aiming at  :)

I would love to hear what you think.

I hope I have obliged you in that.

you have, and im grateful

Given the quality of the writing here, I certainly hope
to see more from you, either other fics or another draft
of this, or both.

thanks

As a vignette, this contains very interesting images,
and I think I'd suggest keeping it at that.

i will, most likely

I'm not

sure what it was supposed to "mean", but I think this
is likely to be more successful if you don't try to make
it "mean" too much.

EXACTLY

Let each reader find their own

meaning by not trying to tell the reader what it was supposed
to mean.  Mostly, that seems to be what you're trying to do;
but you have Ranma's thoughts get wordy in places where IMO
they should be pictury.  Maybe we should have more flashbacks?

you got me pegged. Thanks for replying, i was able to get out what I wanted
with your help. I can tell you took it in the way that I wanted this fic
taken, as something to think about but not dig too far into.
(Unless of course you pull a ranma and find a thought that really shouldnt
be there ;)

Thanks a lot.

Aescension.


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