Hi!

I would just like to say that I truly enjoy the story so far.
You have a way of weaving the events of the story forwards and
backwards in time to a level few are able to duplicate.

I just have a few comments below:

1. I always thought that the Cologne and Shampoo were names
the Japanese would use in place of their real Chinese names due
to the difficulty in pronounciation. I thought it might be more
appropriate to use their real Chinese names (if they exist in
canon, that is) in the parts of the story where they occured
in China. Just my opinion.

2. You used the word chieftan towards the latter part of this
chapter. Didn't you mean "chieftain"?

3. Finally, I noticed you use the semicolon several times in the
story. I'm sure some of them were used correctly but there are
some that may be out of place. Specifically:

    She cast her eyes over the surroundings; where once 
    there had been nothing but endless green forest and dry 
    dirt, there now stood an enormous cliff
    face, extending up from swampy ground into the distant sky.
    
    -and-
    
    "About an hour," Ranma replied, a look of concern upon 
    her face.  "I wondered why you were so quiet; I wasn't 
    sure what to say."
    
    -and-
    
    "Become one with your sword and you will become its 
    master.  Don't, and you will become its slave.  Always -
    always - keep that in mind.  Now; let's begin."
    
In the above examples, it seems better to have a period than a
semicolon. There are others in this chapter. I suggest you review
those areas where you use semicolons and maybe consider rewriting
it.

That's it. Hope the above helps. I look forward to reading more
of your work.

Regards,

DarkHorse


"R E" <ranma_e@hotmail.com> wrote:

Hallo again,

Allow me to apologise for the delay.  Here is chapter 4 of 
"Ten".  As always, C&C is greatly appreciated.  Previous 
chapters can be found at the story's web page, 
http://ten.waxwolf.com .  Please enjoy!

                               = = = = T E N

                         A Ranma 1/2  Fanfic

                               By R. E. 
                               (ranma_e@hotmail.com)

                        Illustrations by Irka 
                        (irka@ciudad.com.ar) = = = =

                            CHAPTER  FOUR "Nibunnoichi" = = 
                            = = = = = =

-------------------------->< snip ><--------------------------

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