This is not fully done yet but I want to get some of this C&C back to 
Thermopyle before he dies of old age.  I was given permission to do most of 
the corrections here so please don't crucify me for being extremely lengthy 
in my rewordings.  This is only about a third of the entire thing and I hope 
to get the rest done some time before Christmas.

----

Tentatively titled Paradise of Illusions
By Thermopyle
Thermopyle.anifics.com

#####

Chloe's last knife flew through the air and embedded itself within the
Japanese man's gun-arm when he brought it up to defend himself, causing
the yakuza thug to yell out in pain.  She took the chance the
distraction gave her and rushed forward as best she could on her wounded
leg, hoping he wouldn't recover in time to shoot her again, this time in
a more fatal location.

OK the first sentence is not sequential.  In the order of events, chloe's 
knife is thrown, then the man blocks and then it ends up in his arm and 
then he cries out in pain.  The last sentence would be better with '... in 
time to shoot her in a more fatal location' as the words imply that he has 
already shot her once in a less fatal location.

He did.

She was almost there, just a few feet away and about to make a desperate
grab for the knife, when he realized how close she was and swung the gun
around, wildly, desperation and fear on his face despite the difference
in size between the two of them, and fired.

One long sentence that could easily be shortened with no loss of meaning.  
I think it reads more clearly this way but there is no real loss of 
meaning.  'She was only a few feet away and about to desperately grab for 
the knife when her quarry realizied how close she was.  Despite the 
difference in size between them, his face was twisted in desperation and 
fear.  He swung the gun around wildly and fired.'

The bullet smashed into her left shoulder and she was knocked away,
falling on her back to the floor.  The pain flooded through her, both
from the sensation of tearing skin and muscle and from the impact when
she hit, and she was stunned momentarily.  Quickly regaining her senses,
she pushed up with her other arm and shoved both legs out, trying to
jump to the side in case he fired again.

'The bullet smashed into her left shoulder and she fell away from him to 
the floor on her back.'   Sheesh.  Even I can't reword that nicely.  :p  
'The pain from both the fall and the sensation of tearing skin and muscle 
flooded through her, stunning her momentarily.'  I'm not sure how that 
last sentence works if she is lying on her back.  You should try it 
sometime.  I can't seem to do it.

In her pain, she'd forgotten about the previous, less distracting
injury, and when she tried to use her right leg the pain flared back up,
causing her to collapse again as her movement became uncoordinated and
too weak to succeed.

She won't notice having forgotten until after her leg starts acting up.  I 
know it's valid using 'when' but it might be better for the readers to 
discover this along with the character.  Using 'when' detaches me from the 
character because things aren't happening sequentially.  'Chloe's right 
leg flared up in pain from the attempt.  Her movement was uncoordinated 
and too weak to succeed.  She collapsed again, realizing she had forgotten 
about her previous injury.'

Why wasn't she dead yet?

Blocking the pain with a great deal of mental effort and deliberately
slowing her breathing because she knew that if she was to survive, it
would only be through desperate, unfailing action, she looked up at the
gunman.

Yes.  Because looking up will make all the difference between living and 
dying.  Your action is all the way at the end of the sentence/paragraph.  
I suggest pulling out the middle clause and letting it stand on its own.  
'Chloe knew that if she was to survive, it would only be through 
perception and perfect action.  Blocking the pain with a great deal of 
mental effort and calming herself by slowing her breathing, she looked up 
at her opponent.'  I dropped the desperate simply because it was getting 
overused.  If you can think of something else all the better because I 
don't really like 'perception and perfect' much.

He was staring down at her now, blood dripping from both hands.  In one,
her knife was held in a fist, and the blood was from his other arm, from
where the blade had been removed.  In the opposite hand, his gun was
held and blood could be seen leaking out the cuff of his suit and
running down the body and barrel of the gun before falling to the ground
below.  His breathing was rapid, much more so than her own, and he had a
furious look on his face.

OUCH!!  Must be some sadist to hold a knife in his fist like that!  'In 
one hand, her knife was held in a fist smeared with blood from his wounded 
arm.  His gun was held in the other hand.  Blood leaked out the cuff of 
his suit and ran in a crimson trail down his hand and along the body and 
barrel of the gun before falling to the ground below.'

He tossed the knife aside, still looking at her, then raised the gun to
aim at her face.  "You little bitch," he said, in Japanese, which she
knew, "you cost me a good job today.  When you meet my boss and comrades
in hell, give them my regards."

Keeping things fluid, 'Still looking at her, he tossed the knife aside and 
leveled his gun at her face.'  You don't need the comma between said and 
in.  I used leveled instead of raised just because.  :p

As he squeezed the trigger, another form shot out from behind the nearby
trees and its arm flashed in a scratching motion towards the man's.  The
bullet went wide, impacting on a nearby tree, and his sleeve was
instantly shredded, bits of cloth scattering into the air around it, and
the skin bared beneath was ripped, long trenches of gore appearing, deep
enough that the bone was evident in several places.  The man dropped the
gun, screaming once again, holding it to his chest and cradling it
protectively with his other hand as they both looked at the newest
arrival in astonishment.

Man's what?  Period after tree since we are changing subjects.  Reword new 
sentence to 'The man's sleeve was instantly shredded, bits of cloth 
scattering into the air.  The skin bared beneath was ripped in long gashes 
deep enough that the bone was visible in several places.'  Clarify what 
'it' is in the last sentence.

It was a boy, about ten years old, just like Chloe, and whereas the
yakuza had scratches on just his arm, the boy had them all over his
body, albeit less severely.  His filthy clothes, some kind of martial
arts dogi, were barely intact, and even the few areas that they covered
could be seen to have barely-dried scabs running underneath them from
the more openly displayed regions.

Not having any idea what was going on, or how the boy had done that,
Chloe managed to push herself up, favoring her right leg and being
careful not to move the injured arm.  The boy, an odd gleam in his eyes,
turned at her movement to look at her, and then when the man, tears
running down his face as he tried to hold his arm motionless, reached
down to pick the gun back up with his uninjured hand, the boy whirled
back around and... hissed at him, like a cat.  He froze.

You switch usage of pronouns in the second sentence.  Period after her.  
Using hold implies the man is holding his arm with something so he can't 
possibly reach for the gun.  'The man with tears running down his face as 
he tried to keep his arm motionless, reached down to pick the gun back up 
with his uninjured hand.  The boy whirled back around and hissed like a 
cat at him.  The man froze.'  I drop the little dots as I don't know how 
much dramatic effect that really does for the sentence.

Unsure of whether the boy was friend, foe, or just some wandering
psychopath, Chloe stood slowly, carefully.  The boy ignored her, so she
moved away from him, her eyes never wavering as she watched him, unsure
of his capabilities.  He stayed crouched in front of the yakuza thug,
staring at the man intently as if the two of them were cat and mouse,
and the cat wanted to play.

Slowly, carefully.  Chose one preferrably carefully because if she's 
standing up carefully she's probably doing it slowly.  Period after him.  
'Her eyes never wavered while watching him, unsure of his capabilities.  
He remained crouched ....'

Backing up to almost fifteen feet away where her knife lay on the
shortly-cut grass, she picked it up with her off hand, wiping the dirt
that had stuck to it from it's impact with the ground off on her cloak.
She'd trained to use both, but her left hand, the injured one, still had
the advantage.  That wouldn't stop her from killing with her right,
however.

Another of her knives lay.  It's should be its.  'She'd trained to use 
both but her more proficient left hand was injured.  However, that ....'

Taking advantage of the man's frozen terror, she snapped the knife
forward in a throwing motion.  It hit him in the throat, catching him
completely by surprise, and he fell to his knees, clutching at his
throat as a look of terror filled his face.  He clearly didn't know what
to do, whether to try pulling it out or if that would simply aggravate
the situation.  A few moments later and it became a moot point.

Period after surprise and drop the and.

The boy moved his attention from the corpse ahead of him back to Chloe,
who stood still, unsure of what to do next.  Witnesses had to be killed,
but she was already injured, and she'd thrown her knife away to kill her
target's last bodyguard because she wasn't sure if she could get close
enough to the boy to simply stab the man to death, instead.  Would the
boy let her kill him, when he'd already shown some odd fighting ability?

'... already injured and had thrown her knife away to kill her target's 
last bodyguard because she hadn't been sure if she could get ....'  Drop 
the instead.

His clothes, his feral state, the scratches all over his body, and the
way he'd come out of the forest surrounding her target's mansion
suggested he was some kind of wild kid who'd developed mental issues
after being abandoned at some point.  So was he capable of telling
anybody about her or what he'd seen, and if he was, would he be
believed?

Wondering for a brief moment what that child would do, Chloe quickly
came to a decision.  She stepped forward, careful not to hurt her leg or
swing her torso enough to aggravate her shoulder, and began to move
towards the gun that lay on the ground several feet away from the boy
and corpse.

Began to move can be changed to moved or started.

He did nothing in response, other than continue to study her closely, so
her actions gained a bit of confidence, although she didn't let her
guard down.  She soon reached the gun and bent to pick it up, keeping
her eyes on the boy the whole time despite the incredible pain coming
from both of her gun wounds.

Period after closely.  'Chloe gained more confidence but didn't let her 
guard down.  She reached the gun and bent over slowly to pick it up, 
ignoring the incredible pain radiating out from both of her gun wounds.  
She watched the wild boy, not daring to blink.'  Yea I'm too picky.  :p

Slipping her finger into the trigger guard, she raised the gun to point
at him.  "Sorry kid," she said quietly, and he tensed, then she pulled
the trigger.

I'm assuming she's slowly straightening back up while doing this.  Period 
after the quietly.  Reword new sentence to 'She saw him tense as she 
pulled the trigger.'

He moved to the side, evading the bullet completely, but did nothing
else.

She adjusted her aim with a bit of concern.  She hadn't seen him move.
She fired again.

He moved back.

She began pulling the trigger as quickly as she could, the shots never
quite hitting him as he began to run about in random directions, but
always staying within thirty or forty feet away from her.

Dodge instead of run.  Unless he's running in a circle around her.  Period 
after the could.  'The shots never hit him as he began to dodge about in 
random directions.  Through all this he remained a distance of thirty or 
forty feet away from her.'

When the last shot was spent, she tossed the gun to the side, deeming it
useless.  The boy, still once again, watched as she pulled her knife out
from the man's throat, then wiped it clean on his clothes before
slipping it into a harness beneath her cloak.

The still once again sounds off until after reading it a couple times.  
I�d suggest �The boy stood still once again, watching her as she pulled 
the knife out of the man�s throat and wiped it clean on her victim�s 
clothes before slipping it into a harness beneath her cloak.�

The kid was crazy.  Leaving him alive would cause no problems.

She turned and walked away, towards where she was supposed to be picked
up, and then heard him move to follow.

I think the away can be implied.  �Chloe turned and walked towards her 
rendezvous point.  She was aware that the boy had begun to follow.�

Chloe sat silently in the back seat of the limo, wishing fervently that
the damn boy would die and leave her alone.  He'd followed her all the
way to the rendezvous point, then, when she was forced to answer
questions about who he was and why he was following her, the men who
were to escort her back to the village had been amused at her answer,
obviously thinking that she was mentally incapable of killing a boy her
own age.  They soon found out it wasn't a mental problem when she told
them to shoot him, and they all failed.

Hmm that second sentence drags on.  �He�d followed her all the way to the 
rendezvous point and then the men who were to escort her back to the 
village had demanded answers about who the boy was and why he was 
following her.  They had been amused at her answer, obviously thinking 
that she was mentally incapable of killing a boy her own age.�

Having regained a healthy respect for her, as well as a certain sullen
mood at so having embarrassed themselves, they had agreed to leave the
boy as he was, and simply depart as planned.  Chloe had gotten into the
limo, and they'd started to drive off.  The boy, obviously not wanting
to be left behind, ran to the car in his strange four-legged lope, and
ripped a hole in the door before jumping in to resume staring at her.

So having or having so?  Whichever sounds better.

She was the only person sitting in the back seat, and she was too
injured to fight such a lunatic, so she did nothing.  The men had been
forced to do the same, since the only way they could try shooting at him
again was to stop the car, get out, and then shoot into it, and there
was no telling if the boy would stay put if she were to exit first out
of a desire to not get shot herself.  So they, too, did nothing, and the
car continued towards where the private jet back to France was waiting.

The men weren�t really forced.  They decided not to.  Period after the 
shoot into it.  �There was also no telling if the boy would stay put if 
Chloe exited the car first to avoid being shot herself.�  Too doesn�t need 
to be separated by commas.

The hole in the side of the car, making the wind blow rather loudly as
they drove, as well as the intent study she received from the crazy cat-
boy sharing a much-too-confined space with her, was really beginning to
get annoying.

Period after drove.  �This as well as the intent study she received from 
the crazy cat-boy, who was sharing a much-too-confined space with her, was 
really beginning to get annoying.�

Despite that, she soon found herself drifting, getting sleepy after the
night's events, and was about to slip off into unconsciousness when
something heavy landed in her lap.

She is in pain right.  Wouldn�t her bleeding wounds be a bit annoying too? 
 Not to mention a big reason why she�s probably losing consciousness.

Her eyes shot wide open and she looked down, letting out a whimper of
pain from where the crazy kid was curled up on her legs.  After shoving
him to the floorboard violently with her usable hand, she quickly
slipped it back within her cloak and drew the knife, trying to stab him
with it before he recovered.

She missed, and in the small lunge forward, managed to unbalance herself
as her leg once again failed to move properly.  She fell on her face
beside the knife, which was embedded partially into the floorboard, and
the boy simply sat next to her, staring once again with a hint of
playfulness and something close to reproach in his feral eyes.

This is a tight confined space so what exactly required movement of her 
leg that she would fall down.  Why is she standing anyways?  I got the 
impression she grabbed the knife and simply struck out with it from a 
sitting position.  Period after the floorboard, drop the �and�, and start 
a new sentence.

Glaring at him, she pulled herself back up to the seat behind her and
resolved to stay awake from then on.

I think we can drop the �behind her� without any loss in meaning.

She lay now on a table in the jet, a plastic sheet beneath her to catch
the blood, as a Soldats physician inspected her injuries.  The leg, she
knew, had just been grazed, so there was no bullet to be removed and
only the cut to be sealed with some number of stitches.  The shoulder,
however, had been hit regularly and the bullet had, after impacting hard
enough to chip bone, remained in her flesh and would need to be dug out.

Tense change.  �Chloe rested on �.�  Don�t need �number of� as you stated 
�some�.  �She knew the leg had just been grazed, leaving only a cut to be 
sealed with some stitches.�  Squarely instead of regularly.  Regularly 
makes it sound like Chloe gets shot often.

Noir or not, that wasn't a level of pain she was eager to experience,
and she accepted the suggestion of the doctor to have drugs administered
to keep her unconscious for that part of the operation.  As she slipped
off to sleep, she hoped that the crazy boy that nobody had been able to
get rid of wouldn't try jumping on her again and making an even bigger
mess of things.

Could separate �that nobody had been able to get rid of� by commas.

Chloe started awake as the plane touched down on her native soil.  She
was back in France, and would soon be rejoining Artena, who would look
after her until her next mission was necessary.

She was no longer on the table and instead was lying on a comfortable
couch, a blanket draped over her body, underneath which she found
herself to be naked except for panties and the bandages on her leg and
shoulder.  Both injuries were somewhat painful, but much less so than
they had been right after she had received them.  The drugs would
probably finish wearing off soon and the pain would return, but she
could deal with that without any problems.

Sitting up, she tossed the blanket aside and moved to stand.  She
stopped in surprise when she saw the boy in the room and looking at her
with those strange eyes of his.  What was his problem?  Presumably
nobody had been able to get him to leave her in peace while she slept,
but apparently he had been deemed safe enough to be left alone with her
while she did so.

Ignoring him for the moment, she carefully pulled on the change of
clothes that had been set aside for her, then belted on her various
harnesses, which had already been stocked with knives, and wrapped her
cloak about herself before sitting back down.  The plane was still
moving, so there were a few more minutes before they finished taxiing
around the airport and were able to get out.

Looking back at the boy to study him in return, she saw that, even
though his dogi was still in miserable shape and he had smears of dirt
on various parts of his body, he was remarkably fit for their age.  He
was also fully healed from all of the scratches that had covered him-
-she looked at the digital clock on the nearby wall--only fifteen hours
before.  How was that possible?

Has the thought ever occurred to her to simply ask, �Who are you?�  I mean 
the only time she�s said anything to him was when she said �Sorry kid�, 
not exactly something that warrants a response.

He'd been awake both when she'd been knocked out, and since she woke up,
had he slept at all in that time?  If so, had anybody tried again to
kill him, or had they figured keeping out of his way was the safest
option?

Needs a �but� before the �had�.

Either way, it looked like Artena would probably have to decide what to
do with him.  She'd already proved herself incapable of doing so in her
current condition, and none of the men on the plane would be able to,
either, whether that was from lack of opportunity or from lack of taking
advantage of some opportunity that she didn't even know about.

Doing what?  Deciding what to do with him?

Once the plane pulled to a stop, the doctor knocked on the door and
entered.  He wasn't surprised to find her awake, and quickly ran through
a set of questions with her about how she felt, just to make sure that
he'd done his job properly.  Once that was done with, he left and she
followed him out the door, the boy trailing behind them as expected.

There was another car waiting for them on the runway, not far from the
stairway leading out of the plane, and she said nothing to any of the
people about before immediately going to get into the car, holding the
door open for the boy because she definitely didn't want to endure
another windy ride.  He jumped in after a moment's hesitation, and she
stepped inside herself, then once she was settled, the driver switched
gears and they headed off.

Period after plane.  About what?  Period after herself.

They drove for hours through farming country, the last stretch being a
dirt road many miles long, before they arrived at the village.  The
driver stopped at the outskirts of town, knowing he wasn't very welcome
within, and they exited the car and she began to walk, the boy
scampering about alongside her.  Everybody she passed bowed in respect,
although there were a number of curious glances at her companion, but
she did nothing to acknowledge their gestures and simply moved on.  Soon
they were past the town and headed for the manor itself.

Period after car.  Sorry it was getting too long.  Period after companion 
and drop the �but�.

Now the boy was behaving a bit more wildly, jumping into trees and
chasing off after butterflies, and despite her hopes that he'd lose
track of her while running off, he did not, and always reappeared after
several minutes.  She'd been expecting him to wear himself out and
simply collapse into sleep, since they'd both been awake when they
arrived at the airport not long after dawn and he hadn't, as far as she
knew, had any sleep during the night, but he was still behaving as
actively as when she'd first seen him the night before.  Jetlag didn't
seem to have any hold on this boy.

But instead of and.  Drop the and and change reappeared to reappearing.  
�She had expected him to wear himself out and simply collapse into sleep, 
considering they had both been awake when they arrived at the airport not 
long after dawn.  He hadn�t, as far as she knew, had any sleep on the 
plane, but still he behaved as actively as he had the night before.�

Soon enough it was getting dark and they still had several hours of
travel ahead of them, so she unwrapped her cloak and laid down a bit off
the side of the path, covering herself with it for a bit of added
shelter.  Almost immediately the boy tried to jump into her lap again,
which she found odd since he'd left her alone when she was sleeping
before, but she simply shoved him to the side, after which he kept his
distance.  She fell asleep wondering how human eyes could glow in the
darkness like his did.

Drop the enough and change the and to 'but'.  Period after them.  Could 
start the next sentence as is or add 'Deciding it was much too late to 
continue on, ....'  New paragraph with the Almost immediately.  Period 
after again.  'She found this odd as he had left her alone when she was 
sleeping before.  She simply shoved him aside and to her relief he made no 
further attempts at her lap.  She drifted asleep wondering how human eyes 
could glow ....'

When she woke the next morning it was just after dawn, and the pain from
her injuries had abated somewhat, to be replaced by an added general
soreness in the damaged parts of her body.  It wasn't too uncomfortable,
and she was able to ignore it just as she had after being shot in the
first place.

Period after dawn.  Add an only before the to.  Change 'an added' to 
simply 'a'.  It can't be added if it is replacing.  The last phrase 'just 
as she had after being shot in the first place' detracts from her being 
able to ignore it.  She beared through it more than ignoring it.

Standing up, she saw that the boy was awake, and she wondered yet again
if he had had any sleep or if he was just perpetually alert, as seemed
to be the case.  Dismissing it as unimportant, she walked back over to
the path and was again on her way.  The boy quickly followed.

Period after awake.  Change had had any sleep to had slept.  Drop the as 
seemed to be the case.

By midmorning she could see the manor and the grape fields surrounding
it, and she found herself walking slightly faster.  It'd been about a
week since she'd left, and she was eager to return home, to Artena.
Soon she was almost running through the fields, ignoring the burning in
her leg as she overworked it and possibly split the stitches.  She
looked about, knowing that somewhere out here, Artena would be attending
to the grapes as she usually was at this time of day.

Change the and she found herself walking faster to causing her to 
unconsciously increase her pace.  It gets rid of an 'and' and avoids Chloe 

>from finding herself.

A flash of shiny-brown caught her eye and she stopped, turning, to see
Artena stand up and do the same, looking towards her with a warm smile,
a basket full of fruit on the ground at her side.  Suddenly Chloe was
flying forward, going as fast as she could, and then found herself in
Artena's arms.

Drop the comma after turning.  Period after same.  Artena looked towards 
....  Drop the suddenly.  'Chloe threw herself forward, pumping her legs 
as fast as she could, stopping abruptly once she was in Artena's arms.'  
Yea probably not much better but I'm picky about people finding themselves 
in places and suddenly doing things.  :p

"Hello, child," said a pleasant voice into her ear.

She looked up and smiled.  "Hello, Artena-sama.  I'm back!"

"Yes, I see that you are," Artena said, a hint of playfulness in her
voice.  "Did you have fun?"

Chloe heard a sound from behind her, and turned, and she felt Artena's
posture change as she looked up.  A little ways behind them was the boy,
torn clothes hanging loosely, looking upon them with interest.

Who is looking up?  If they've turned to face the boy he is no longer 
behind them.

"Who is this?" Artena asked, a curious note to her tone as she looked at
the pigtailed wild-boy, causing Chloe to hate him for distracting Artena
from her own homecoming.

"He saved my life in Japan," she said, "I tried to kill him, since he
was a witness, but I haven't been able to, nor has anybody else who
tried.  He won't quit following me."  She hesitated, suddenly aware of
her own slightly labored breath from running and the wetness on her leg,
where several stitches had probably bust.  "Should I try again?"

When Artena didn't answer immediately she separated herself from the
older woman and prepared to attack.  She could see as she did so that
the boy looked fresh as a daisy, like he hadn't just been chasing her
for the last twenty minutes as she searched for Artena.  How did he do
that?!

How did he do that?! is a thought or should be dropped.

Slipping her hands beneath her cloak, she grabbed several throwing
knives and quickly snapped her hands forward, releasing them towards the
boy as fast as she could.  Throwing several at the same time was nowhere
near as precise, but this time she was trying for coverage, not
accuracy, as she'd already found that he could dodge one at a time with
ease.

Them becomes vague when you have all these phrases tacked together.  You 
could drop the last phrase of releasing them towards .... and still have a 
good picture of what is happening.  Change as she'd already found to as 
she already knew.

Four knives flew through the air, spread out enough and at different
heights so that a normal person couldn't dodge in either direction fast
enough to avoid getting hit, yet they were still close enough together
that somebody who stood still would get hit by at least one--more, if
they tried too late to get out of the way.  Rather than trying to duck
or run to the side, or even take cover behind some grape vines, he
jumped.

Fifteen feet, straight up.

Gawking in surprise for a brief moment, she took advantage of the
situation and threw some more knives at him, knowing that he didn't have
enough maneuverability to dodge them as he fell.  The knives were on
target, exactly where she wanted them to be, spread out over an area of
about a square foot centered on his torso.  Before they were even close
enough for him to block, he swung his arm out in front of the knives as
if to defend himself from them.

Move the exactly where she wanted them to be to the end of that sentence.

Despite the impossibility of it, his action worked, and the knives were
all knocked out of the air, hitting the ground at about the same time as
he did.  He never touched them, they just... flew aside, as if hitting
an invisible wall, or being hit BY an invisible wall....

Chloe stared at the boy in consternation, who looked back in apparent
boredom.  How dare he embarrass her so in front of Artena-sama?

Another thought.

Trying once again, she grabbed several knives and whipped them at him,
this time not even trying for accuracy, hoping that if one or two flew
wild he wouldn't have time to react.  Instead, he ran forward, right at
her!  Just before the knives would have thunked home into his body, he
leapt through the air, twisting as he did so, dodging each one.  One of
the knives did go in the wrong direction, but didn't even get close to
hitting him, two others were a bit off and he was able to slip by with
feet to spare, and the last slipped through a hole in his dogi before
continued on its way, having gotten within mere inches of his flesh.

She didn't have time to react to his charge, she was only beginning to
reach for another knife when his body impacted with hers, his weight
landing on her chest and knocking her to the ground, the pain from both
the hit and the landing causing her to cry out despite her best efforts.

Period after hers.  The brunt of his weight struck her in the chest, 
knocking her to the ground.  She cried out in pain and frustration.  Er 
... well it's only a suggestion.

Her cloak had been closed when he landed on her, and his weight was
keeping the flaps immobile, preventing her from reaching any of the
weapons contained within.  While she contemplated what to do, looking up
at the hateful boy, he bent down to put his face right above hers, then
licked her on the nose.

Hmmm.  Lack of wind could keep flaps immobile.  It is more meaningful to 
say his body prevented her from reaching any of the weapons concealed in 
her cloak.  Need an 'and' before the 'then'.

She punched him in the head, with the arm that wasn't screaming at her
for mercy, and he let himself be knocked aside.  She knew he could have
stayed put if he wanted to, he was obviously toying with her for some
reason.

Why is an arm screaming for mercy?  Sure she was wounded but his weight is 
on her chest.  Period after to.

Breathing heavily, she pushed herself up, again favoring opposite arms
and legs, then drew out her dagger and moved to attack at close range,
instead.  She didn't think she would be successful at that, either, but
Artena-sama seemed to want the boy taken care of, and she wasn't going
to let her down, or dishonor that child as her future partner.

Period after legs.  Change then to She.  Change didn't think to doubted.  
A child/future partner is first mentioned here.

"Chloe."

She stopped, but didn't take her eyes off the boy.  "Yes, Artena-sama?"

"Has he ever jumped on you like that before?"

"No, Artena-sama... twice he jumped into my lap, but never onto my
chest."

"Has he ever tried to hurt you?"

She frowned.  "No, Artena-sama, he just... stares at me, like he's
playing a game, and it's my move."

"Very well.  That's enough for now, lets go inside and eat."

Chloe turned in confusion, the boy forgotten for the moment, and watched
Artena pick up the basket of grapes and then move towards the manor,
holding it at her side.  Looking back over at the boy, she hesitated,
then moved to pick up as many of her knives as she could find, and he
did nothing to obstruct her.  When she gave up on finding the last
three, she turned and headed after Artena, and the boy followed behind
her.

Have Chloe hesitated instead to clarify who she is.  Period after find.  
Drop the following and.  Period after Artena.  Drop the following and.

-----

That's all I have done so far.  I really like the writing.  It is very fluid 
though a bit long at times.  I'm not sure where we are being taken with this 
and when I try to get answers I'm simply not told.  So anyways, thanks and 
you can all crucify me after I finish the rest of this.

Ciaow

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