"Look at it," said a spirit.
"Dramatic," said the other.
"Angsty."
"Serious."
"Depressing."
They both floated in silence.
"I'm bored," the first one announced.
"Me too," the other one said.
They glanced at each other.
NEON GENESIS EVANGELION:
DIVINE INTERVENTION
By Leif Johnson
Disclaimer: I own none of the characters in Evangelion. But, since I'm a
writer, I am God. Therefore, I actually own ALL of the characters. I own
Gainax. I own Japan. The small anime series of Evangelion is nothing
compared to the title deed for the entire universe... All you have to do
to save yourself is, after reading this, just say, "Thanks for
everything." I'll be listening.
CHAPTER 1: The Gods Must Have Jock Itch
***
Shinji laid on his bed, staring at the ceiling. His handy-dandy
SDAT rested at his side, pumping a never-ending stream of pop music, the
sort that brought images of rainy days and dead cats to people's minds,
into his ears. He had assumed this position with the intent of pondering
the meaning of life and why they fought the Angels and why the toaster
never worked consistently, but all of these thoughts had been pushed
aside and replaced by a more immediate and pressing realization. The
lousy light bulb was uncovered, and it hurt his eyes.
Suddenly, the SDAT twitched. Shinji leaped. Unfortunately, the
small object was still attached to him via headphones, so leaping from
the bed wasn't quite enough to achieve the desired effect. The tape
player floated in front of his eyes, which were as wide as watermelons.
He blinked when he realized that the melody flowing into his head had
changed, slightly.
The semi-angsty tunes he had been listening to had been replaced
with a shattering, harmony-less, mind-rending noise that threatened to
tear his soul from his very body. Then, words made themselves clear.
o/All the pigs are all lined up, I give you all that you want...o/
Misato, who had been busy doing none of the things that fanboys
dream about, grabbed the handle and yanked the door open. This act
confused her, so she tried it again. Yes, she noted, the traditional
sliding door had been replaced. The act now amused her, so she did it
again. After playing with the door for some time in the same manner that
a kitten plays with a bell that has rolled under the couch, Misato
remembered why she had opened the door in the first place. Shinji, who
was still standing in the middle of the room screaming at his floating
tape player, was still in Hell. After all, the song was only two minutes
and twenty-two seconds long, so it had played three times to compensate
for Misato's distraction.
Misato acted quickly and struck Shinji over the head with a
watermelon. The fruit kind. He crumpled to the floor, and the screaming
stopped. Shinji went quiet, too.
"What's wrong, Shinji?" she asked, crouching down.
He held his ears over his head, muttering, "The pigs, the pigs, the
pigs..."
Misato decided that this was another side-effect of that incident a
few weeks ago with the broom handle, the pack of uncooked bacon, and the
tube of nitroglycerine that didn't taste quite like canola oil, and left
the room to go about none of the things that fanboys dream about.
Shinji, left alone, gasped a few times and slapped himself across
the face. "And I thought the angels were bad..." he murmured. He
struggled to his feet and turned the light off because it hurt his eyes.
***
"Seed number one; planted," announced the first spirit.
"Oh goody, my turn," the other one said, smiling.
***
Gendo sat at his desk. He glanced up from the book he was reading
and gazed at his expansive office. Many people wondered why it was so
big, but Gendo assured himself that no one would ever find out. Some
guessed that he felt that more space meant more power. Others thought
that he just liked to make people walk the excessively long distance to
his desk. However, if they actually thought about it, they would realize
that ALL the rooms in NERV HQ were like this one. Big. Not to mention,
there was the fact that there weren't any closets.
Gendo did not envy his son. To get inside that monstrous robot, yet
be held in such a small capsule... He shuddered. Life was hard for a
claustrophobic enigma.
Suddenly, the book he was reading, Top Ten Ways to End Mankind,
twitched. Gendo leaped. The book followed him. He ran. The book flew.
See Gendo. See Gendo run. Run, Gendo, run.
The book finally managed to corner him. As he cowered, he saw it
change. It changed from the educational literature he had been reading
into something... very, very frightening. Then, it latched onto his
face.
***
"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEK!"
Hyuga and Shigeru froze in mid-step. They both turned and stared in
the direction the shriek had come from. "Say, didn't that sound like..."
Hyuga started.
"... the commander?" Shigeru finished. They both stood in silence.
"Naw," they said in unison, shrugging and continuing on their way.
***
"Now, for number three!" the first spirit said. The second grinned
and nodded.
***
Rei sat in her room, all alone. She was doing nothing. She was
sitting on her bed, doing nothing. After a moment, she continued to do
nothing. A while later, she was still doing... nothing. Finally, her
school uniform twitched. Rei didn't. After a moment, it twitched again.
She looked down. "Stop," she commanded. It did.
And she went back to nothing.
A voice was heard to whisper, "Man, this is hard."
Finally, the school uniform twitched again. It leapt. Off of Rei.
***
"YEAH! WOO! WOO!" two guys that hadn't been there before shouted
over the author's shoulder.
***
Rei stared at the uniform. It stared back. Unable to take it
anymore, the uniform began dancing. Rei stared at it. It wilted. It
quickly recovered and hit Rei across the head with a small mallet. She
flopped backwards, lying spread-eagle on her bed, while the clothing she
had been previously wearing dropped to the floor in satisfaction.
***
"YEAH! YEAH! WOOOO!" several guys that hadn't been there before
shouted over the author's shoulder. He gently shooed them away with a
shovel.
***
"Damn!" muttered the first spirit, wiping its brow. "That was a
nightmare!"
"Hey, better you than me, eh?" the second one replied. "Time for
the last seed."
***
"Hmmm..." Asuka mumbled as she crouched in front of the puzzle.
"Maybe A goes to B, or perhaps D goes to F, or maybe the three Xs are
related... whoops, wrong book. Anyway, it also might be that Z and Y are
actually spare pieces released in the add-on pack..." She sighed. "I
HATE stereo instructions!"
Suddenly, the instruction manual twitched. Asuka killed it with a
subwoofer. It twitched again, but for a different reason. It opened up
by itself and flipped ahead a few pages. Asuka gasped. That section
hadn't been in there before! The words then... changed. Asuka noted that
the new words, despite being incredibly confusing, made more sense that
the previous ones, which had been completely confusing. The manual then
shouted at her and leapt up, slapping her face with the pages.
"BEOTCH! HO! WHADDYA THINK YOU'RE DOING?! YOU WANNA MESS WITH ME?!"
*That sounded like... Asuka!* Misato thought, rushing into the
living room. She blinked. Asuka stood over a book that was currently
weeping, bowing, and exclaiming, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry!" repeatedly. She
blinked again and left, seeing that the pilot had everything under
control.
As the manual lay weeping, Asuka stuck her tongue out at it in
victory. It took advantage of the situation by flying up and slapping
its pages around the offending object. "NYAMMMMMN!" Asuka shrieked,
running around in circles.
Then, Shinji dashed into the room, shouted, "It's back!" and
promptly began viciously beating the manual with a feather duster. This
caused Asuka to sneeze all over the manual, which really grossed it out
and caused it to float to the ground harmlessly. Asuka placed a hand on
her chest to calm her breathing, then looked up at Shinji, who had this
really weird look in his eyes.
"Oh, before I forget," Misato called from the next room, "About the
feather duster? It seems that it's been in the bottom of the compost bin
for the last week for some odd, gratuitous reason, so don't use it to
clean anything." For some strange reason, the only response was a growl,
followed by a muffled squeak and some choking sounds.
***
The second spirit groaned, holding a hand to his head. The first
chuckled. "Better you than me, eh?" it said.
"Well, at least all the seeds have been planted!" the second one
said proudly.
"Now, let the chaos begin!" the first one said, jabbing a finger in
the air.
"Or continue, whichever," the second added.
***
All the residents of the Katsuragi residence sat at dinner and ate
in relative silence. Misato demurely chugged four beers while thinking
that something was strange, chugged another three while she tried to
figure out what was strange, and found an answer after six more. It was
probably the fact that Shinji had been twitching constantly, while
occasionally leaning back and savoring his meal in an almost exaggerated
state of ecstasy. She never knew he liked pork so much. She also did
hear him mutter, "They didn't win TONIGHT, did they?" and savagely bite
off a piece of meat more than once.
Then, there was Asuka. Misato had asked her how the food was, and
she had replied, "Gut." She then blinked and exclaimed, "Kacke!" After
hearing that, she smacked herself in the forehead, growling, "Gott en
Himmel, was zum teufel?" She immediately followed that statement by
banging her head on the table. As Shinji and Misato stared at her, the
only sound was Shinji's exaggerated chewing. "... It's good," Asuka
finally said.
"Uh..." Misato said, blinking, "Really?"
Shinji nodded vigorously.
Asuka nodded and said, "Wirklich. DAMN!" And the rest of the dinner
conversation had gone something like that.
After dinner, as Misato went about finishing the assembly of the
stereo, she pondered. While Shinji was an odd character and Asuka was an
odd character, their actions tonight were even odder than the oddness
she naturally expected from them, which in itself was still odder than
average. She sighed and looked down at the manual. "Hey," she said,
narrowing her eyes. "This..." She began flipping through the pages. "The
entire thing's in German!"
Shinji then staggered into the room, Asuka's shout following him.
"Well, duh! If you hadn't eaten so much, this wouldn't have happened!
Dummkopf! DAMMIT!" Asuka's shout was followed by repeated thumps.
Shinji flopped down against the wall and gazed ahead. Misato stared
at him expectantly. His eyes focused on her and he said, weakly, "They
really did win..." before groaning and clutching his stomach.
Misato shrugged and headed to the fridge for another beer. Or, as
they say in Germany, bier.
"AAAAAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!"
***
Ritsuko KNEW that something was wrong. The screen showed the three
children, side by side, with the same peaceful expressions they normally
wore for these tests. But, not quite. It had taken at least 15 minutes
for Asuka to even start her Eva, and they finally just accepted that the
interface would have to be in German.
It had taken some gentle coaxing to get Shinji into the Eva, due to
his demands that they "get rid of the stupid snout." She finally had to
promise him a ham sandwich after the tests were over, which worked like
a charm. She wasn't sure she liked the evil grin that had covered his
face ever since then.
And Rei... Well, no one knew what to do. Ritsuko had looked at her
tiredly and said, half-joking, "We're not going to have any trouble with
you, are we?" Rei had laughed hysterically, done a back flip, knitted a
pair of steel wool socks, and requested a polyester plug suit. She then
said she was joking and tried to get into Unit-01.
Shinji had cried out, "But... it's MINE!" and waved his arms to
ward her off from his entry plug. She stuck her tongue out at him and
began pushing him out of the plug, suggesting that he use Unit-00. He
shook his head nervously and said something like, "It might think I'm a
truffle!"
Asuka, who was already in her Eva, yelled at the two, "Quit messing
around! We've got to finish this test! Schwachkopf! GOD DAMMIT!" and the
Eva had broken free of its binding to smack itself in its forehead,
ruining the umbilical bridge as well.
And Ritsuko, as well as everyone else, was doing her level best to
ignore the commander, who had taken up pressing his face against the
glass and snorting, which resulted in freaking Shinji out.
"I KNEW IT I KNEW IT I KNEW IT I KNEW IT," he screamed over and
over, covering his ears.
"This is awful," Ritsuko muttered under her breath, wondering how
it could be any worse.
"I know what you mean," Misato replied. Ritsuko glanced at her. "I
could've sworn this was in Japanese when I bought it," she continued,
studying an instruction manual. Ritsuko began rubbing her temples
savagely.
***
NEON GENESIS EVANGELION:
DIVINE INTERMISSION
The first spirit settled down on a spiritual couch. The second sat
next to it. They ignored the string of singing snacks before them. They
sipped on divine drinks and looked at each other. "Something's missing,"
the first one said.
"What do you mean?" the second asked, lifting an eyebrow.
"It's missing a point."
"No it's not! The point is fun!" the second replied, taking another
swig.
"But it's not enough!" the first replied, jumping up. "We need a
direction to go, and a destination point!"
The second sat brooding. After a moment, it looked up. "How about
an apocalypse?"
The first one considered it, then shrugged carelessly. "Why not?"
NEON GENESIS EVANGELION:
THE END OF INTERMISSION
***
Ritsuko sat at her desk, pondering. There was something very funny
going on at NERV and she was going to find out EXACTLY what it was.
Shinji had always been odd and paranoid and afraid of everything, but
she had never known there was anything wrong in his mind about pigs, of
all things. And perhaps Asuka just missed her home country. That might
explain her inability to keep her conversations in one language. Now
Rei... That was confusing. The normally cold, quiet, wisp-like girl had
very possibly gone off the deep end. Not that Ritsuko minded; there was
the possibility that it might offer her an excuse to replace the girl.
Of course, that would have to be brought up with the commander. She
leaned back, wondering if there was something she had missed...
"Dr. Akagi." The voice came from behind her, and it was instantly
recognizable.
"Yes, sir?" she replied, turning around. Gendo held an odd outfit
in his hands. It was blue, and white, and... "A sailor skirt?" she
asked, raising an eyebrow. She looked up into his eyes. She'd do almost
anything for him, but this... "Sir, do you really..."
"Dr. Akagi," he repeated, silencing her. He looked down at the
outfit and held it up. "Do you think this would make me look fat?"
For the first time in Ritsuko's life, she was actually glad to hear
the angel alarm blare through headquarters.
***
Misato dashed onto the bridge, looking around rapidly. "What's
going on? Why wasn't it detected?"
"It just appeared right in town, without warning," Shigeru
answered.
"What's more," added Hyuga, "is that it appears to be pattern
orange. There's no AT field detected."
"What, a new kind of Angel?" Ritsuko inquired.
"The MAGI are withholding judgment."
"Indecisive buggers, aren't they?"
Ritsuko jumped upon hearing the commander's voice directly behind
her. "Ah! Sir, uh, what're you doing here?"
"Checking out the scenery, of course," he answered with a casual
shrug. Everyone stared at him. He began wandering around, glancing over
everyone's shoulder. "Yup, that's it, keep up the good work, yep, keep
doing what you're doing, yes, that's the way, keep it up!"
"Sir, maybe you should be where you usually sit. Fuyutsuki looks a
little lost without someone to stand behind," Misato suggested. The
vice-commander did indeed look quite put out. The coat rack with the
Groucho glasses just wasn't the same.
***
Unit-01 peered around a building corner at the large, black and
white ball that was their enemy. The strange, patternless design
reminded him of... of... "Pork chops," he whispered, his eyebrows
twitching crazily.
"Can you all hear me?" Misato spoke over the radio. "I've sent you
all the target's data. Watch it and its reactions, and try to lure it
outside the city limits, if possible. One person will go ahead, while
the other two back them up."
"Of course, ma'am!" Asuka answered. "I'll be happy to-"
"ME!" Shinji bellowed. Silence followed. "I'll do it. Neh. Neh heh.
Heh."
"W-was?" Asuka said. "AARRGH!"
"Unit-00 will back him up," Rei said coolly. "But only if it really
feels like it," she added. She then burst out into maniacally monotonic
laughter. It scared the beejeezus out of everyone present and shocked
them into silence.
The silence was broken by the commander. "Show me the meaning, of
beeeing lonely..."
"ALRIGHT, ALRIGHT! I'll back the idiot up! Geez, don't have a kuh!"
She suddenly clenched her jaw and seethed quietly, before drooping
forward. "What's the use?" she muttered.
After all the children's images had winked out Ritsuko shook her
head. "I'm worried," she announced.
"Me too," Maya said quietly. Ritsuko nodded and turned to her.
"I've never heard of an instruction manual just changing languages like
this..." she murmured, studying a booklet.
"I hate my life," Ritsuko sighed wearily.
"Say my name, say my name!" Gendo sang.
***
Shinji watched the angel float forward silently. His right hand
made repeated stabbing motions. "They won't win this time," he muttered.
"They won't!"
Asuka turned the corner and blinked. What the heck was Shinji
doing? It looked like he had dropped his pistol and was... climbing a
building? "Shinji-dummkopf! Rrrgh... What the hell are you doing?!"
His reply was very quiet. "Don't like the taste of it. Don't like
the smell of it. I wanna watch it come down..."
"Well of course, but you're doing it all wrong!" Asuka growled.
Shinji stood at the peak of the building and roared furiously.
"PIIIIIIIG!" he screamed, leaping at the suspended ball. It disappeared.
Unit-01 landed on its face.
"Idiot..." Asuka said, smacking her forehead.
"BWAHAHAHAHAHAAA!" Rei casually remarked. "Shinji fall down go
boom!"
"...." Asuka shook her head. What could you say to that?
"Owie," Shinji said intelligently.
Suddenly, lights lit up at headquarters.
"The burritos are done!" Hyuga called, removing a plate from the
microwave.
"Oh, good, I'm starved," Maya said, snatching one.
"So..." Shigeru said around a mouthful of beans, "How're the
children doing?" Misato absently toyed with a yoyo while Ritsuko
pondered over an instruction manual. Gendo tried polishing up on his
break dancing.
"ACK!" Hyuga exclaimed, spitting out a mouthful of legumy goodness.
"Pattern blue! The angel is now directly under Shinji!"
"I always knew he liked being on top! Takes after his mother!"
Gendo cried proudly. Ritsuko coughed loudly and Fuyutsuki turned a bit
green.
***
"AAAAAIIIIEEEE!!!" Shinji screamed, before he was swallowed up by
the blackness. A loud burp filled the air.
"Omigawd, it ATE him!" Asuka cried, backing away from the spreading
shadow.
"This is... perfect," Rei said quietly. Asuka glanced at her
nervously. Unit-00 stepped forth and dropped a small plastic bag into
the shadow. "The garbage collector is late this week, and it was
beginning to smell."
"Wow!" Misato exclaimed. "That really is convenient!"
"Shinji!" Gendo bellowed. "You have to have more control of the
situation, or the woman will simply devour you! Or so Yui always told
me." Fuyutsuki turned sharply towards him. "She always did enjoy it when
her prey struggled," Gendo mused.
***
"Ya know, something just occurred to me," the first spirit
announced.
The second stopped chuckling and turned to him inquisitively.
"Whazzat?"
"Do you suppose that we're the only celestial beings observing the
lives of the humans in Tokyo-3?" the first asked, tapping his chin.
The second frowned, despite not having a tangible face. "Odd, I
never thought about that... you think someone might interfere?"
"Heaven forbid," the first replied worriedly.
"Nyeh heh heh..." a third spirit chuckled, rubbing his divine hands
together mischievously. "Little do those fools know that I have big
plans for that boy..."
"Hey, ya dumb shmuck, we're right here," the first said, cocking an
eyebrow.
The third jerked in surprise. "What?! What are you doing here?"
"We've been here the whole time, moron," the second answered. "What
kinda plans do you have, anyway?"
"I'll never tell you! Just try and stop me! You'll never get away
with it! He's mine! And don't touch the girl, either!" the third raved,
waving his arms about randomly.
"Great, a loony spirit. Just what we need," the first groaned.
"'The boy.' 'The girl.' Whatever THAT means. Sheesh."
"Wait!" the second exclaimed, looking down at the third. "He's just
a demispirit! A half-pint! He can't interfere with our business!"
"Ah ha, that's where you're wrong!" the midget spirit replied
foxily. "With my brother here..."
"Yo," the fourth spirit said for an introduction.
"...We become a full spirit!" The third jumped on the fourth's
shoulders and posed proudly.
"...That's NOT how it works!" the first cried in exasperation. "I
should have you two twerps reported for tomfoolery!"
"Yeah, and calling us fools," the second added.
"What in the dad-gummed name of asparagus is going on here,
anyhoot?" a fifth spirit snapped in a crotchety manner.
"They're being mean," the first said, pointing to the two
half-spirits.
"They're not letting us play!" the third protested, pouting
despondently.
The fifth leaned on a celestial cane and glowered at the whole lot
of them. It puffed carefully on a pipe for a few minutes, fell asleep,
snapped awake, lit the pipe up again, and spoke. "When I was your age,
we received proper respect from the humans. They worshipped us and gave
us blood sacrifices and the occasional virgin, though I never could
figure out why they called them that, and we were sparing with the
droughts and famines. Existence..." it proclaimed, knocking a bit of
nothingness that resembled ash out of the pipe, "was good."
"Er," the second began.
"But we couldn't stand the names they made up for us. The most
decent they ever got was 'Big Brother'..."
"Actually," the first tried.
"So we decided to try and let them know. You know, in a dream. A
religious experience, and all that stuffs." The fifth paused to let out
a carefully-timed sigh. "And that's when it all went to camel-dung."
"What was the problem, Grandpa?" the third asked eagerly, with its
arms wrapped around its... indefinable mass of air that substituted for
knees.
"The name's , son," the fifth said gently.
" , eh?" the first repeated, rubbing his chin. "I think I
see where it went wrong."
"Damn fool couldn't pronounce it to save his life. Literally. Got
struck by lightning the next day." The fifth shook its head. "Once they
decided that we had no names, they decided that we didn't really exist.
So, we decided to show them. I mean, REALLY show them," it said proudly.
"You mean..." the first said, breathing excitedly, "the Angels...?"
"The what?" the fifth inquired, lifting an eyebrow.
***
"Soooo... it's a kind of un-reality?" Misato ventured. The ANOIP,
or Assembly of NERV's Obligatory Important People, was gathered in the
COID, or Center of Obligatory Important Discussions. The COID was not a
definite location, and tended to move around a lot. It was currently
located outdoors, with large halogen lights that tended to blind people
no matter which way they turned and cast really dramatic shadows if you
stood against the right walls.
"No, it's like an inverted dimension," Ritsuko answered. "The
angel's body is the black hole on the ground, while the floating ball is
simply its shadow. The body of the angel is real, and of this world, but
it's simply backwards. In any terms, it's got Unit-01 trapped inside it.
If the pilot stays calm and keeps it on the minimal life-support levels,
he should be able to stay alive for at least sixteen hours."
"Hmm..." Hyuga muttered, tapping his head. "Is that like
hammerspace?" he ventured.
"NO!" Ritsuko shouted furiously. "There's no such thing as
hammerspace! It's a MYTH! This is REAL physics, not some hokey cartoon!
Never say that word around me again!" Hyuga backed away hastily.
"Anyway," Misato said loudly, "what do we plan to do about it?"
"We don't have any clear ideas yet," Ritsuko answered. "But, we do
have our favorite plan that never works."
"Which is?" Misato prodded.
"Drop a multitude of N2 mines on it and see if the angel gets, at
the very least, slightly annoyed," Maya promptly answered.
"Better'n nothing, I suppose," Shigeru murmured. He glanced over
Ritsuko's shoulder and raised an eyebrow and Hyuga, who was shuffling
slowly up behind her. He held a finger to his lips.
"No, really, it'll work this time!" Ritsuko insisted. "You see, if
we drop all existing 992 N2 mines on it, while the Evas activate their
AT fields..."
"Coo'," Rei remarked, hunched over some private business.
"Exactly. Dammit, Rei, stop lighting fires all over the place!"
Ritsuko shouted. Hyuga tiptoed directly up behind her.
"What'll that do to Shinji?" Misato demanded. "What kind of rescue
operation is this?"
"The priority is to recover the Eva," Ritsuko stated in flat tones.
"That the body of the pilot may be injured is of no concern."
"WHAT!?" Misato shouted. "You mean you would just take a chance
like that..."
"We must recover the Eva at any cost," Ritsuko pressed.
Rather than reply, Misato brought her hand smartly across Ritsuko's
cheek, knocking her glasses off in the process.
Silence fell.
Ritsuko finally lifted her head to glare at Misato while she
clutched her face.
Tension mounted and nervously waited for something to happen.
"Hammerspace," Hyuga whispered loudly in Ritsuko's ear.
Tension rode off into the sunset in relief.
"AAARGH!" she screamed, whipping around and slamming a mallet into
his forehead. "I TOLD YOU NOT TO SAY THAT WORD!!!" After a moment, she
tossed the hammer aside, brushed off her hands, and turned away from the
twitching wreck on the floor. "I'm taking command of this operation,"
she declared, picking up her glasses and walking past the unmoving
Misato.
Misato stared angrily off at one of the enormous lights. The rest
of the ANOIP shifted uncomfortably in their seats.
The silence was broken by a FWOOMP sound, a loud scream by Asuka,
and a hysterical giggle from Rei.
"Ha!" Hyuga cried weakly, lifting an appendage that resembled his
head up. "I thowed her!" There was a shifting motion, and the ANOIP
guessed that the bloody hole with the white bits in it was a triumphant
smile.
***
Shinji was indulging himself in a psychology lesson. He was
studying the effects that a an isolated, nigh-hopeless situation where
your life was being timed down by a clock on the back of your hand had
on the human brain. There were some interesting results.
"3,201 bottles of beer on the wall, 3,201 bottles of beeeer..." Shinji
crooned, waving his arms back and forth like limp kelp fronds. He
sighed. He had had a lot of time to practice his sigh. Truthfully, it
hadn't taken very long to get just the right inflections in it, so that
he was assured that if he every used the sigh in public, everyone around
him would involuntarily burst into tears.
"I've been in here for twelve hours," he murmured, glancing at the
timer on his plug-suit. "My life's going to end in four hours."
*I am Zen.* The thought was a pleasing one. *My mind is calm. My
body is calm. I am calm with the universe. I am one.* It felt like the
truth. He absently activated the Eva again to check and see if the blank
whiteness around him had changed at all.
After the colors had faded away, he was faced with emptiness. He
sighed despondently. Suddenly, he saw an enormous shadow form in front
of him. He lifted his head up and stared, while his pulse sped up. The
shadow began forming a giant hand. It twisted and bent the fingers
about.
"Deformed rabbit?" he guessed, scratching his head.
The shadow flipped him off irritably. It then was joined by another
hand, and they morphed strangely to form a rounded face, with two,
small, floppy ears, a round nose, and... and...
"AAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUGGGGHHH!!!" Shinji shrieked, jerking backwards
in his seat. "NOOOOO! GET IT AWAY! GET IT *AWAAAAY*!!!" He began
thrashing about in the entry plug slapping his forehead with his hands.
"YOU'LL NEVER TAKE ME!" he screamed at the leering shadow. "NEVER!" With
those words, he powered down the Eva, huddled into a little ball, and
whimpered mightily.
***
"That was harsh," the second spirit commented. The first spirit
turned off the desk lamp.
"Fun, though," he replied. The third spirit sulked in a nonexistent
corner, nursing a sore head. "You gotta do something to pass the time
when you're waiting on one of these codgers," he said, pointing towards
the fifth spirit, who was leaning against his cane as he dozed. "Not
worth the risk to try and wake 'em up."
"I can't believe that the ONE time one of the old guys tells an
important story, he falls asleep," the second muttered.
"Makes you wonder," the first said softly. "If the angels are NOT
Heaven's revenge against mankind for forgetting us, then what are they,
and what IS the revenge?"
"Hmmm..." both spirits hmmmed as they rubbed their chins
thoughtfully.
***
"What do you mean you can't make them big and sparkly?" Gendo
demanded, glaring at the clerk. "You're an eye surgeon, aren't you?"
"Actually, I'm a receptionist," the woman answered wearily. "And
the doctor does not transform people's eyes into shiny gems."
"Not a rock, for Pete's sake," Gendo groaned, reaching into his
pocket and pulling out a book. "Like hers! Or hers! Big! Sparkly! Full
of life!"
The receptionist stared down at the Sailor Moon graphic novel. She
sighed a sigh that was still only a level three in comparison to
Shinji's masterpiece (level 14 on the angstrom scale), and wondered what
she had done to deserve this. It must have been some sort of sick divine
revenge against her kind.
Up in Heaven, a large number of spirits shifted their feet (or
fog-like substance where the feet belonged) uncomfortably.
End Chapter 1
Author's notes: Next chapter: Shinji gets laid! Gendo gets a sex change,
and then gets laid too! While you all frantically try and pry your
eyeballs from your head to get rid of that mental image, Ritsuko finally
snaps after watching Silence of the Lambs too many times, and Maya is
never heard from again! Rei requests that her Eva be soaked down in
kerosene to make the fights "oh-so-much cooler." Everyone has sex, gets
married to some other bizarre character from the series, and has lots of
wacky adventures as they all try and sort out their lives without
letting the fact that Gendo is prancing around in a skirt distract them!
BE THERE, for:
NEON GENESIS EVANGELION:
DIVINE INTERVENTION Chapter two!
For those of you who are slightly less intelligent than a rutabaga, none
of these ideas will actually be used. Well, maybe the sex change. But
nothing else, honestly.
_________________________________________________________
Do You Yahoo!?
Get your free @yahoo.com address at http://mail.yahoo.com
.---Anime/Manga Fanfiction Mailing List----.
| Administrators - ffml-admins@anifics.com |
| Unsubscribing - ffml-request@anifics.com |
| Put 'unsubscribe' in the subject |
`---- http://ffml.anifics.com/faq.txt -----'