"The Eternal Lost Lurker" <lurkerdrome@sbcglobal.net> wrote:

The family, plus Genma, filed out into the dojo. Nabiki almost immediately
lost her lunch.

NABIKI: Kasumi, where are those sandwiches I just had?

Kasumi noticed an envelope laid carefully several feet from the body, well
away from the blood that had spilled. Trembling, she bent down and picked it
up, opened it, and read it aloud, her voice wavering.

"It...it didn't work. I'm s-sorry, everyone. I can't l-live l-like
this...g...goodbye. Signed, R...Ranma."

I was going to ask why Ranma would stutter while *writing* a note
(perhaps 'e was dictatin'!), but I realize on a second reading that this
was added by Kasumi.

Anyhow, good to see you active writing again, Lurker. This piece was
certainly as...extreme...as I'd expect from one of your shortfics. ^_^;;

I agree with Lawrence, though, that having Ryoga describe the result
secondhand doesn't make for as strong an ending as you could have. I
don't really think a flashback's the way to go either. Perhaps actually
having Akane observe Ranma's condition would help, though of course it'd
be difficult to describe what she saw without getting overly crude.


Gary Kleppe
http://www.akane.org/gary/comics.html

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