----- Original Message -----
From: "The Eternal Lost Lurker" <lurkerdrome@sbcglobal.net>
To: <ffml@anifics.com>
Sent: Sunday, April 21, 2002 11:41 PM
Subject: [FFML] [Tenchi][Ranma] Moving On - Chapter One: Passing
Through

Eh... I'm running late for work, and I didn't really notice any
problems with the writing itself, grammar, punctuation, etc, on the
quick look through, but I do have to say that this is VERY good.

The only thing that really bothered me about this was the way Kiyone
disappeared so completely for the whole day.  It's mentioned that,
unlike earthlings, she has a way of causing the alcohol in her system
to go away, or to quit affecting her, so that she no longer has a
hangover.  So her sleeping all day when Ranma is up and about seems a
bit odd, and it also seems odd that nobody is talking about Kiyone
except during the brief stint where everybody was.  Somebody should
have asked if she'd wake in time for dinner, or brought up the way
she'd met a guy the night before, with Ryouko using it to tease Tenchi
if nothing else.  That she totally vanishes just seems a bit hard to
believe, and the story could probably benefit if she's at least made
reference to around Ranma.  Ryouko can say something to Tenchi, Sasami
could wonder aloud if she should set some food aside, etc.  Something
to indicate that they haven't completely forgotten about her.

Anyway... that's all I really had to say about the fic.  I'm glad to
see that you're writing again.

I don't know if you've been reading fanfics over your long hiatus, but
if you do like Ranma/Kiyone, you might want to check out Sgt. Ranma's
"Officer Saotome" series, which is rather well-written also, and
although the first chapter is in script form (the rest, up to chapter
5 so far, are in prose), it's the best script-form fanfiction I've
seen, so don't let that scare you away.  The story is at
http://sgtranma.anifics.com if you want to check it out.

*Runs off to work, REALLY late now....*


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