Ken Arromdee wrote:
Past chapters are at: http://www.rahul.net/arromdee/fanfic.html
Excellent.
Tsukino Usagi, secretly Sailor Moon, was soundly sleeping in her room,
dreaming of many things. Sleep was a time for dreaming about nice things:
friends, guys (and guy friends), leisure time... anything but school. Or
the Dark Kingdom (recently destroyed, unknown to her).
Not sure you need the extra space trailing the elipses (since it doesn't
terminate the sentence).
Meanwhile, two figures were sleeping, for far longer and far more soundly,
safely inside their pod, as it hurtled through space at enormous speeds. Ail
and Ann had fled their dead world, taking their world-tree with them, in
search of a new home somewhere in the cosmos.
Of course, they needed energy. And of course, though they could have
landed anywhere in the near-infinity of the cosmos, they landed on the Earth,
in Juuban, a minute's walk away from where Tsukino Usagi was sleeping. Their
pod crashed into the ground, waking Usagi, who vaguely perceived its landing
as thunder, but recognized enough of a difference that she dragged herself
over to the window and, eventually, out of the house and down the block to
gaze at what had fallen from the skies.
Still yawning occasionally, Usagi rubbed her eyes and looked around the
crowd for anyone she knew. Ami was there, and Minako too. Usagi waved and
walked over to meet them.
Hm. Well, the first two paragraphs of this block of text work okay, but
the third is quite bland -- she sees her friends, but you're telling us
this, not showing. How does she see them, exactly? Glancing at her from
the crowd, a climpse of Minako's hair ribbon, or something of that sort?
How does she _react_ when she sees them?
"I saw it", said Ami. "A nearly frictionless landing of an object of
obvious biological origin...."
I think I've commented on this before, but the convention I'm familiar
with places the comma inside the quotation.
"I hope not", said Ami. "I like school."
Er.... This is the kind of dialogue that helps establish a character's
personality, but since we should know who Ami is through
magna/anime/previous chapters of this very fanfic, it's not really that
neccesary. Could just be me. Feel free to ignore.
When the classes gathered together for the next morning's class assembly,
the staff called forth two new students, and introduced them. They were Ginga
Seijuro, in grade 9, and his sister Ginga Natsumi, in grade 8. As the story
went, they were Japanese, but had recently returned from a long stay overseas.
Their physical appearances, brown haired and with normal-looking skin and
ears, gave no cause for suspicion.
Woah. Repetition of 'class' and 'classes', there.
"Don't talk like that, Naru! He can't have a girlfriend if he just got in,
unless there's someone back in America... and if there is, she's there, and
we're here! I'll just walk up to him after school and, er, you can go and
wait and I'll tell you how it all went, okay?"
Another broad comment (for grammar) I don't _think_ you need to trail any
instance of an elipses that does not terminate a sentence with two
spaces, much in the same way that even when you trail a period,
exclamation point, or question mark with two spaces. I believe that the
elipses (with only three periods in it) acts in about the same manner as
a comma, but I can't afford the books that would clarify this issue for
me, so.... You can basically ignore this if you want. It'll probably
turn out to be one of those 'optional' rules.
They waited expectantly for Seijuro to say something. He was looking at
them... he obviously liked them. Usagi wondered, if by some chance, it
wouldn't just be them he liked; maybe it would be Usagi herself?
"I know!" said Seijuro.
What is this in response to?
"Allow me to create a song for you, Usagi." Usagi was overjoyed. Seijuro
raised the flute to the lips on his handsome face and began to play. It was a
beautiful melody, and he was playing it for *her*.
You know, this SHOULD work, but the storytelling just comes across so
_blandly_ -- I feel like I'm being told I should be impressed, without
being as impressed as I could be.
Simple statements of fact just lack the impact that could really help
with your storytelling. For example:
Usagi was overjoyed.
vs.
Usagi's heart skipped a beat, and her breath caught at the thought of
Seijuro's offer.
Not trying to tell you how you have to write, mind you, just that you
might be better served by taking these suggestions into account.
Especially since the majority of your story is delivered in the same
way. You've got a worthwhile story here, I think. But I bet you could
make even more of it.
A moment later she realized that that idea was silly. If they weren't
really related, they would have just introduced themselves as two unrelated
people, instead of relatives. She had promised herself to start thinking
occasionally, but it couldn't always work, could it? There were things to do
instead, video games to play....
This is good. Keeps her from nailing every problem the second it comes
about, and the way that it's said even if it's not as vivid as it could
be, _does_ work.
"Oh, I have a special arrangement with the police", she replied. "They
called me on the Moon-phone and alerted me with the Moon-signal. Don't worry,
I'll defeat that youma for you!"
Hah!
Sailor Moon ran upstairs and shoved the door open. She faced the silly-
looking monster, which was right there, and was still busy draining Naru. She
had to do something fast to get it off of her friend... ah, a speech should
distract it. Monsters were dumb without anyone around to give them orders.
As long as she took care to keep moving around while making it...
Another comment, if I may -- try to avoid too much of 'silly-looking' and
'bad-haircut', etc. Tell us what they look like, and let us (the
readers) draw our own conclusions from it.
Like it's said; show, don't tell.
"You are the unluckiest Dark Kingdom monster alive!" she said. The monster
paused, looking at her. "You attacked the only person out of billions of
people in the world who was talking to Sailor Moon at the time! I won't
forgive you for hurting my friend! In the name of the moon, I'll punish you!"
Yet another general comment: You use 'said' a lot, and while there's
nothing wrong with that, 'shouted' or 'yelled' or 'exclaimed' can serve
you better if it's dialogue with an exclamation point in it. Helps
heighten the emotional intensity and all that rot. Or something. Have I
mentioned that you should feel free to ignore me?
The monster seemed to make a decision, dropping Naru and lashing out at
Sailor Moon instead. Sailor Moon watched the tentacles come through the
doorway and slammed the door on them as they were halfway through, making the
monster scream... well, that served it right, she thought! Monster tentacles
shouldn't just make innocent girls scream. Girls could make monsters scream
too.
The connotations of that remark frighten me.
Carefully timing her attack, Sailor Moon yelled "Moon Tiara Action!" She
stretched out the last syllable, waiting, and waiting, until just the moment
when the monster tore the door off of its hinges. At that second, it was wide
open to an attack. Sailor Moon removed the tiara from her head and threw
it into the creature. She scored a direct hit; the monster transformed into a
card (something she had never seen a Dark Kingdom monster do before) and then
fell apart into the usual pile of dust.
This is a pretty important scene, as far as I can tell, and the
descriptiong here is a bit lacking, in the grand scheme of things.
You say: She hit the monster.
Show us the sparkles, the glitter, the long drawn out two-frame shots of
the monster screaming in anguish while the scene slowly suffuses to
white, etc. Okay, that's a bit much, but you get the idea.
More than just the visuals, show us what she's feeling. Isn't she the
least bit scared? Does she say the magic words and have it happen,
without feeling any kind of power from it at all? Does she feel the
sirges of energy from her fingertips?
What about the monster? Does it have time to whimper, "Oh, I've wasted my
life..." before it gets vaporized? These are all details that could add
to this scene specifically, but the _kind_ of details that could add a
lot to the story in general.
"How is she?" said Naru's mother, looking in through the ruined doorway.
said -- asked (I think)
"I think she's okay, Ms. Osaka... I've never heard of anyone being killed
by a Dark Kingdom monster unless maybe no help ever comes." From below the
stairs came a rapping sound. "Oh, hey, I think someone's at your door. I
bet it's the other Senshi."
Just caught this one -- she calls Ami Ami-chan earlier, but here you use
'Ms. Osaka' instead of 'Osaka-san'. This is a minor internal consistancy
nitpick, though....
meantime there was school. Ahh... Seijuro. And tests and homework too, but
everything had its flaws.
Another narrative bit that works.
"That's Mamoru. And he may pick on people a bit, but I still saw him
first." Usagi could go up to him before Natsumi did and... Oh no. She
couldn't. She had a Sailor Senshi meeting planned. She had to get over to
Makoto's apartment. If she didn't go, she'd be late. But how could she just
leave Mamoru to Natsumi?
That elipses terminated a sentence, so it should have four periods, not two.
"I'm sure she'll be here soon" said Usagi. "I'll tell her everything she
missed." She stood up and tried an authoritative tone, copied mostly from what
her teachers had used on her in the past. "We're all here to figure out how
to deal with these new enemies. Someone here has to have some idea! Let's get
to work!"
soon" said -- missing a comma there. Should be inside of the quotation, I
think, though you put them on the outside....
"We've been looking for people with the right family names... sorry,
Minako..." Usagi didn't want to reveal what she suspected about her. "Well,
look at Natsumi and Seijuro. Their family names are 'Galaxy'. And they sound
exactly like Ail and Ann. And we all met them on the exact same day we met
Ail and Ann, right after that meteor seed thing crashed. It's got to be them,
even if they look a little different."
The second elipses terminates a sentence -- it should probably have four
periods in it instead of three.
"Hi Rei-chan!" yelled Usagi.
Another of the places where additional descriptors could serve your story
better -- she yelled. Just 'yelled' doesn't tell us much about _why_ she
feels the need to shout. Is she angry? Excited? Happy? Bored?
You need to show us these things....
"Say, Rei, do you think she might be from outer space?"
Heh.
By the next day, Usagi had decided. She would watch Seijuro. If she
followed him, she could probably find out if he was an alien, and besides, he
was handsome. She liked some parts of being a Senshi, and hated others, but
watching Seijuro was definitely one of the 'like's.
'like's -- 'likes'
After the final bell rang, Usagi waited by the school gates until he came
out. When he finally did, she said "Hi!"
said -- said,
Though... your convention may be different from mine.
That was all it took, of course. "You were waiting for me?" said Seijuro
as he stopped. "Such a vision of loveliness...."
said -- asked
Time for another sweeping generalization on my part: You do this a few
other places -- just use your text editor to search for question marks
and double-check the words you used.
"It's so much fun hearing you talk like that!" said Usagi. It was, too,
even though it was a little overblown. Okay, a lot. "Is that how people talk
in America?"
Here, the narration works.
"They tore down the park a few days ago..."
Yet another annoying comment from me!
When an elipses terminated a sentence it should have four periods in it,
last I checked. Might want to check instances of that, too.
"No" sputtered Seijuro. "You can't come, Usagi!"
And another:
There are quite a few instances of missing punctuation throughout the
fanfic. Normally the punctuation goes inside the quotation in this type
of instance. Another thing you might want to keep an eye out for. :p
"Hmm..." Usagi thought. "I don't know how I could do that. I asked him
about that and he didn't really want it. He said they were unpacking but if
they're aliens they could be unpacking wave motion guns."
Heh. The good old wave motion canon....
"I was going to fight!" said Sailor Moon. "But I thought about it and I
figured I should wait instead. I must have ruined the timing for your dreams
or whatever tells you to come over here when I did that. I'm sorry, I didn't
mean to keep you from having a good entrance, Tuxedo Mask."
... heh.
Tuxedo Mask furrowed his brow in concentration. His hat fell off again,
and as he picked it up, he explained. "I don't remember... who am I?"
More of a question than an explanation.
"But I sell cookies! Could you at least buy two? Waaaah...." Seijuro
had already gotten his wallet out and was reaching for a 500 yen bill.
Everything was going well; too well. Usagi couldn't leave before Luna was
finished looking around. She had to stall for time. "I've been so tired
walking all over the block selling cookies. May I sit here for just a minute?
Please, mister? Waaaaah!"
Ouch....
"If you're not going to leave, then die!" Seijuro transformed into Ail,
and Natsumi into Ann, only a moment later.
Moving a bit fast, but I suppose that's the name of the game, really....
Suddenly Natsumi hurled an energy bolt at Sailor Moon. Distracted by
Luna, she didn't manage to dodge far enough and it grazed her arm. That
bolt felt as if a needle had stabbed through her arm. She looked at it in
fear, but was relieved to see only some redness. Whew... so though she had
to fight, it wouldn't be too dangerous. Having her arm disintegrated by alien
ray guns would have ruined her day.
This is another place where more descriptions could help. 'bolt of
energy' doesn't tell us much if we've never seen it before... how does
it look to Usagi, who (even if she has seen various sizes shapes and
flavors of energy bolt) probably hasn't seen this one either?
"I think so" replied the cat.
"Good! I get enough chances to be brave. I don't need another one by
doing this from where it can attack me!" She waved her wand around in an
intricate spiral as she proclaimed, "Moon Healing Escalation!"
Since it's not a youma, would Usagi know to do that?
And this whole discussion of ranges just brought me to mind of Sailor
Moon: Tactics. If ever a game was needed to be made....
"But *anyway*" said Usagi, changing the subject, "maybe you should tell
everyone at school that you're aliens. They'd all love you!"
Isn't that going a bit far?
"Well..." said Usagi. She could guess what Minako had meant. It was
something they'd have to talk about. "Maybe it's, er, not a good idea after
all. It's a one way thing, you can't undo telling everyone who you are. So
let's forget it, okay?"
Like I said....
Enough. Setsuna had to do something. Crystal Tokyo, as near a place to
utopia as human beings could hope for, must be allowed to exist. And Setsuna
would have to take a more active hand in ensuring it did. The first step
was to make sure that Usagi defeats Queen Beryl. Was that even possible any
more, the way Usagi had been acting? If she didn't find the Silver Crystal,
or if her friends lived and she wasn't angry enough to kill Beryl... so many
'if's.
defeats -- defeated
If Sailor Moon had defeated Beryl without turning back time, things were
even worse than Setsuna had thought. Everything *could* still happen on
schedule, just a year early, with nobody noticing that a year wasn't repeated.
Except for one big problem. Setsuna had sent Small Lady a year into the
future, so she'd appear when Sailor Moon was fighting the Black Moon family.
But now... that was wrong. If that repeated year never happened, the Black
Moon would be happening fairly soon. Small Lady should appear *now*. Instead
of fixing time, Setsuna had ruined it further....
Whoops.
"I heard you on the phone, Usagi", said her mother. "I really think you
should be staying home tonight. That Korean girl sounds like she might be a
bad influence."
Yeesh.
Author's note: there is some information on the web about Koreans in Japan,
but needless to say, it's not something the Japanese talk about much, so it's
hard to tell just how much discrimination happens today. I hope that this fic
is at least within the plausible range.
I probably should go through my fics and fix the honorifics too. It's not
always clear which one to use.
Always a good idea.
Was an interesting read, if the grammar issues were tricky, and many of
the descriptions came across rather blandly. It's also a bit rushed, but
to write it otherwise would be just plain telling the old story over
again, so....