noirchloe wrote:
GAH! sorry about that.... hopefully this will be legible, and you won't
hold the last send too much against me.
I would, if I could find you. ;)
Sorry>_<;;
No worries!
Scryed is produced by Sunrise Video, Trigun was Created by Yasuhiro
Naitoh, Ranma is owned and created by Rumiko Takahashi, and Sailor
Moon is owned and Created by Naoko Takeuchi I'm just playing with
them for a bit since they are such wonderful creations.
Scryed was created by: Yousuke Kuroda(scenario), and Yasunari Toda(manga).
Chapter 3: Fight Club
If this if your first post to C&C club... you _have_ to C&C.
And my C&C is LAW! You will obey it!
...
...
Okay, it's all really just hearsay and conjecture, so you're welcome to
ignore it if you'd like.
"Hey! I'm going as fast as I dare. If you fuck up any more tires, we'll be
walking all over!" he yelled back, as they rounded another corner, and
bringing them closer to the small house that Kazuma and Kanami shared.
Kimishima was worried, also; the destruction was getting worse as they got
closer to the house.
'worried, also' doesn't seem to fit, though, I _really_ can't say why it
doesn't....
Kimishima snorted in response, ignoring the bait as he concentrated on his
driving and keeping his jeep safe. Arguing with Kazuma when he was this
obviously worried was futile.
They both believed that Kanami would be safe, but belief didn't preclude
reality. And there was also the matter of their home, what if that was
destroyed. Their savings had been there; safeguarded by the young girl who
had apparently nothing to do with Kimishima. Their rationale had been that
prospective thieves would be attracted to him, and not where their valuables
truly were.
Repetition of 'safe' between those two pararaphs. It's probably just me,
mind you, but it seems almost like they value the jeep more than the
girl. And I'm not sure that's right. If it's intentional, then leave it
as it is, if it's not, replace the first instance of 'safe' with
'intact', maybe?
He had been exploring back before the sudden war, testing his jeep to be
exact, in the mountains outside the city when the jeep had suffered a flat
tire. After hiding it in a cave, he had hiked to the nearest town only to
directed to a nearby shelter when the evacuation order was given.
Second instance of 'jeep' could be replaced with some other word, maybe?
But, I'm _really_ nitpicky about repetition, usually, so I'm probably
being _too_ nitpicky.
Four years ago, after the shelter he was in had opened up, he ran into
Kazuma and Kanami while he was returning for his car. They had been
together ever since. Becoming friends and business partners.
That last sentence fragment doesn't seem to work, to me. Why not merge it
with the previous sentence, and bridge the gap with 'and had become'?
A sigh of relief came forth when Kazuma finished his quick search, coming up
with no signs any injured party. They shared a look, all that was needed to
put into motion their previously discussed plan. Kimishima nodded, and
headed towards the floorboard, the false one that miraculously survived
intact, and uncovered by heavy debris. A fast brushing with his had, a
finger poke to
expose the lever, followed by short jerk revealed a small iron box. Lifting
it out, he opened it quickly, checking the money contained inside.
Formatting error, or is Mozilla angry at me?
Kimishima didn't need to see Kazuma to know he had smiled and nodded while
speaking, a fierce determination on his face as he massaged his right wrist
and hand.
Arg. I'm so behind on Scryed... I've seen one and a half episodes so far.
The first episode didn't impress me (at all), but I've heard that it
gets much better, so I desparately need to catch up. *sigh*
"Oh. God." Saturn gaped, when she looked at the remnants of the building.
gaped, when -- gaped when (loathe as I am to see a comma go....)
"Bingo!" the crazed elder Nebraska yelled while bouncing around in his
little cab. "It was easy! Too Easy! Are you sunk after only one shot?!"
Too Easy -- Too easy
The little man sitting on the behemoth's shoulder turned to regard her.
"Stop!? HA! Who would stop for sixty trillion Yen?!" He broke out into a
fresh pale of laughter.
Yen -- yen
pale -- peal (pale is a shade/color thing, peal is a noise thing. I think.)
Venus' face reddened as her outrage exploded. She quickly glanced over at
her friends, getting Mars' attention with a fierce growl. The other girl
turned at the noise that had interrupted her attempt to convince the gawkers
to leave for their own safety. Sharing a determined nod they turned to face
the duo and prepared to stop this outrage.
Is that right for the Senshi's names? I was under the impression that
that apostrphe set indicated multiple of whatever it was naming....
The other pillar dropped then, revealing Vash cradling an unconscious woman
in his arms.
Pillar? Is that the word you want to use there?
Ranma protectively held the unconscious girl, trying to calm himself and
attend to the matter at hand, the injured people in a destruction zone. He
wanted to drop the girl and go beat on Vash, but yet that hysterically
laughing old geezer and the huge man he rode upon made that choice
inappropriate. He could go beat the odd couple, but that might allow Vash
to escape and would still leave people trapped here. Then, there were the
women to consider, and as much as he may enjoy the stress relief, his
conscious wouldn't allow them to remain in the ruins, laying upon the broken
glass, wood, and concrete.
Repetition from the last line of the previous section on the 'unconcious'
thing -- maybe 'prone'?
may enjoy -- might enjoy
Prudence and compassion slowly defeated his other desires in a tough battle
of his will. He glared at the strange duo, mentally thinking of ways in
which to hurt them badly, as he slowly walked out of the debris, taking care
to be gentle with his young fragile cargo.
young fragile -- fragile youn (dunno why, and it's only a suggestion,
just looks better to me that way....)
"What the hell...?!" Mars yelled from next to Venus.
Don't think you need the elipses there.
Venus attempted to move, only to find her feet pinned in place as the liquid
hardened fastening her feet in place.
hardened fastening -- hardened, fastening
Ranma jerked and a desire to beat that smirk off of the old man's face
caused
his body to vibrate slightly with outrage. He took a deep breath, calming
himself and allowing his mind to focus on the safety of the small girl
cradled in his arms.
'Jerked'? Seems something is missing there....
passing. Dismissing the incongruity between Vash's mannerisms and Ranma's
knowledge of the man, he swiftly continued towards the wreckage.
Ranma can only remain stupid on this for so long, of course....
The shout seemed to cause a commotion in the crowd that had gathered. A
young
boy came running out of it, as it parted to give him free access, like they
the
people were afraid to impede him at all. His face was a twist in lustful
expectation, an expression Saturn was used to seeing on dirty old men, not a
twelve-year-old boy.
they the -- the
Saturn blinked. "Pops!?" she yelled simultaneous with her comrades. The
boy
stood a few inches taller than the man did. There was also the extreme age
difference. The Mayor appeared a century over the age of death, much too
ancient for child bearing. The fleeting thought of the process that was
required to birth the boy caused Saturn to grimace, before she frantically
tried to burn that thought out of her mind.
Child bearing?!? Men don't bear children... usually... though Ranma
fanfiction would have you believe otherwise.... Anyway, men are able to
reproduce at any age after puberty, I believe. So....
He raised his hand triumphantly, brandishing a pair of long scissors.
Hrm.
"Don't you dare you bastard," Mars growled.
dare you -- dare, you
"Your outfits are almost perfect, Dearie, but not quite," the Mayor said
lecherously. Shivers traveled down Saturn's spine as she heard the scissors
being employed and Mars' screams of outrage and profanity.
Eh, just because their feet can't move doesn't mean they can't still
throw punches or fry the old man. And what of the Silence Wall, if
nothing else? That could keep them at bay.
Ranma watched as Vash placed the second to last lady onto the ground, next
to the other unconscious women. Ranma was currently carrying the last,
walking slightly more wiftly than was prudent, considering the indefinite
condition of his passenger.
wiftly -- swiftly
Vash sighed and his eyes hardened, a look of determination took up residence
on his goofy mug. A display that Ranma rarely remembered seeing upon his
one time
brother's face.
one time -- onetime
Ranma rushed as quickly as he could, placing the woman down softly he moved
to take up a position next to Vash.
That sentence is stilted. Might want to describe the action more clearly.
"An uncontrollable car you mean. Like you could hit me!" He boasted,
having enough of the fool and his 'boy'.
me!" He -- me!" he
"Now pay attention. I'm about to lecture you on how big a fool you both
really
are!"
how big a fool -- what big fools (?)
Ranma reached up and rubbed his temple, wiping the sweat and the dust from
his brow while yawning, hoping the damn idiot would get to the point.
Do you want to use expletives in prose? More importantly, what happened
to Ranma's anger? Why is he standing around listening to the old man
whine when a few minutes ago he was a razorsbreadth from opening up a
keg o' whuppass on him (or Vash)?
"Using this! Ignore me will you!"
Shouldn't that last statement be a question?
The roaring of the motor, controlling Gofsef's fist, filled the air. Ranma
looked up and tensed his muscles as he glanced at Vash, uncomfortable with
the man currently at his side.
Unless it's the sound of the engine controlling Gofsef's fist, you can
drop the first comma. And the second, actually. Hm. I might have parsed
that wrong initially, but the commas are still droppable.
They sat in silence for a while as the town sped past them for the last
time, if things went as planned. Kazuma considered the town, wondering if
they would have accepted him had they known his secret. He realized they
would have treated him as the last town did, as a pariah, a freak, something
to be destroyed. But hope still had a weird way of worming itself into his
thoughts.
realized -- can he really know what they're thinking? It's all just
speculation on his part, isn't it?
He looked at his right arm, psyching himself up to use it publicly, in front
of Kanami potentially. If their prize was there, he would probably have to
unveil it. A lifetime of riches awaited him, what did he care what the
townspeople thought, or Kanami for that matter.
in front of Kanami potentially -- potentially in front of Kanami (?)
Shouldn't that last line be a question?
As long as she was safe. That's all that mattered. He absently rolled his
hand over his wrist, his fist. The gift, or curse, that had helped them
survive was waiting for it's called. It hadn't let him down yet, it was
unstoppable, indestructible, and therefore, so was he.
it's called -- its call -- to be called (?)
yet, it -- yet; it (?)
The unstoppable power of his right arm.... That concept, in and of
itself, has merit, methinks. Must watch more Scryed....
They neared the small plaza that the restaurant resided on. Kazuma leaned
forward in his seat, hands gripping the roll bars, ready to pull himself up
and out of the vehicle in a moments notice if needs be.
moments -- moment's
"Kanami!" His heart lurched when they turned the corner, revealing a
nightmarish scene. A huge monster stood in the center of the plaza, aiming
a huge twirling blunt object at a group of women lying on the ground, Kanami
among them.
Woah. I think I know who this is, now. The guy who rocket-jumped through
an airplane engine in the first ep, right? Him vs. The Nebrska
family.... Can Ranma hope to keep up? He could very well be outpaced
when surrounded by Saturn, this guy, and Vash....
"Go help them, quick. And then _die_ in the most humiliating way!" A voice
originating from the monster yelled, as the projectile was launched from his
arm, heading straight towards helpless women.
the projectile -- a projectile (?)
Ranma watched in disbelief as the impact along with the weight, unbalanced
the
fist of destruction and sent it off course. The women that had been the
original targets, laid, cowering as the instrument of their death veered of
course, crashing down next to them and skidding harmlessly into another
building, Vash and all.
impact along -- impact, along
A sigh of relief escaped him as he turned to the bastard in the saddle.
'bastard' in the prose? This isn't _quite_ coming across as Ranma's PoV
enough to make it feel like Ranma's thoughts, as much as your own....
Flying swiftly through the air, he smirked, congratulating himself on his
aim, knowing this fight was now only going to be a nuisance. He ran in
after them, satisfaction filling him as they each hit their respective
marks, one on the tether that was reeling in the fist snapping it instantly,
the other on the pipe that provided the fist with its propulsion.
Flyinh swiftly through the air...? What, exactly, is flying? The knives?
That doesn't quite seem to fit with the 'he smirked', that makes it look
like HE's flying.
Ranma, who had moved a little too close to the lumbering behemoth, had to
dive out of the fall zone. Rolling to a stop he looked up to see Gofsef
flat on his face, with a boy standing over him, breathing labored and
looking at the fallen women.
A pleased expression adorned the maroon-headed boy's face, as he felted his
right arm up. The arm was the most miraculous thing about the boy, it
looked like it was encased in a red-plated gauntlet with a gold streak down
the center of it, that seemed to extending up to the fins sticking out of
the upped arm, just below the shoulder. He otherwise appeared normal,
shabby clothing consisting of a gray and silver jack covering worn pants and
shirt.
I'd suggest introducing the hair-color, first. Purists will gripe and
complain that these colors don't exist in reality, but for most viewers,
they are the primary source of recognition for a given character. ;)
to meet one himself. He looked forward to testing himself against one
someday; regular opponents proved little challenge for him anymore.
Ah, bummer. He's going to get whomped, isn't he?
Out of the corner of his eye he spotted something strange, momentarily
forestalling him from searching for Vash. Standing across the small plaza,
the three women from earlier were doing battle with two children, and not
doing well. The thought of helping them crossed his mind. Only to be
dismissed when he noticed the nature of the attacks the boys were using.
Trying not to chuckle he ran in search of his opponent.
mind. Only -- mind, only (optional. Entirely.)
Mars was trembling with rage, something she had been doing for some time
now. Her skirt, which was short to begin with, was now a narrow strip of
fabric around her waist. She refused to think about the travesties that the
two had already committed upon her clothing, or the fact that they hadn't
stopped at trimming her skirt length. A small breeze cooled parts of her
anatomy that should be covered, she growled, as she again trued to keep her
skirt down, protecting her modesty as best she could.
trued -- tried
Mars internally cheered, only to be disappointed when the deviant successful
dodged this time, landing next to his father.
The boy stood next to his father, noticeably squeezing his legs together,
smiling and holding out his hand. "You promised!" he whined.
Repetition -- 'next to his father'
With a sigh from Lukkosai, the scissors were handed from father to son. Who
in turn went to work on the skirt length of the last sailor. Said senshi,
violently swung her oversized ball buster in an attempt to meet justice out
on the kid. Her results were the same as the others, useless, as her skirt
was transformed from a mini skirt into a hand towel in a matter of moments.
meet -- mete (in this context)
The boy then looped a finger under Saturn's panties, placing the scissors
against the girl's unblemished alabaster skin.
Isn't this a bit much?
A second later she realized she had moved. Looking at her feet, she saw a few
flakes from the glue. Realizing the heat of her aura must have dried it out
making it no longer effective, she looked at her friends, wincing as she saw
them struggling to regain their feet and balance while their feet were still
rooted in place, looking like people who had just been in an explosion.
Their hair was frizzled, and while there was no additional loss of clothing,
what did remain, looked sooty and burned, with the occasional rip throughout
their blouses.
out making -- out, making And that second sentence is a bit long.
"Sorry." Venus hung her head and began to flick the remaining paint of her
legs.
paint -- paste (?)
"Then die." Ranma sentenced the man as he took a fateful step forward. He
saw the flinch in his adversary and he pounced, moving quickly, despite the
strain he had already undergone this day.
die." Ranma -- die," Ranma
He started with a straight punch, remembering the result of the fight
earlier this day; no resistance was expected until his fist had connected
with Vash's jaw.
this -- that (but not the other thing.)
Ranma threw another exploratory punch, which was blocked cleanly. "I'll
listen as long as you still live!" He roared as he swept the other man's
legs.
This should be interesting.
"How about... first I kill you! Then... _I_ go kill your brother!"
... -- Either only trail the elipses with one space, or add another
period if it terminates a sentence.
"I guess I should make sure he's okay." Saturn said with a small sigh and
proceeded to walk over to the still unconscious boy.
okay." Saturn -- okay," Saturn
And I'm not sure I agree. If I were her, and some creep humiliated me
like that... I'd just leave....
energy to save people's lives. The ability had come in extremely handy
during the first few years of the war, allowing her save countless lives in
construction accidents.
Construction accidents at the begining of the war? You'd think things
were being destroyed in the war more than built....
"Ah... What happened?' The boy sat up, rubbing his hand through his
scorched hair.
Same not on elipses terminating sentences. Here, you'd want to use four
periods, since the sentence IS terminated.
They exchanged blows with Vash protecting in the pattern that was expected.
Grunts of exertion were heard coming from the other man, as Ranma sped up
the attack. Another cycle of attacks and he would be ready.
attack. Another --- extraneous space, there.
The words struck like blows as Ranma faltered for a second, but only a
second. Not responding to the lies, he picked up the pattern without delay,
the opening would be there in a second.
Heh. How long will he last, I wonder....
Cringing, Vash spun away as Ranma followed up his hit with a barrage of
punches to his Vash's face, scoring a few hits as the other boy dodged and
retreated to establish space between them. Space, Ranma was reluctant in
giving, pressing the boy heavily.
his Vash's -- Vash's
Just a note, really, but this many years after the fact, wouldn't they be
men, not boys?
Ranma considered for a moment, before moving towards Vash, fists clenched as
the rage he felt rose, fanned by the words of this liar!
this liar -- the liar
Failing to hear the footsteps until too late, Ranma was tackled. His slight
movement forward, along with the body that slammed into him from behind,
sent him rolling forward. Limbs were entangled as he and his unwanted
tumbling partner rolled along the ground, until they collided with a stone
slab. Ranma would have recognized it as a stone slab, if he had been able
to see anything. He had reflexively closed his eyes at impact, but prior to
that he had been concentrating on halting his movement, and not the
positioning of his attacker.
The stone slab bit is more than a little confusing.
A sudden movement by the person he was entangled with and he found his nose
stuck into the folds of his unknown assailant, a place he knew it shouldn't
be. He gasps involuntarily, inhaling a rich aroma and small fine hairs. He
closed his eyes as the person apparently sat up, using his face as a sitting
stool.
gasps -- gasped
She had heard the rumors about Alters being hunted, rounded up and taken
away. Where they went, no one was sure. Some said it was the Evil Queen in Tokyo who
was behind it, bringing them to her side, readying them as an army of invaders
to take over the entire island. Others had said it was the work of a few dedicated
scientists who were intent on studying them for use in some wild experiments.
There was also a recent rumor of an organization that had been formed to
stomp them out; supposedly made up of alters who were policing there own, taking
those whom were worthy and discarding the rest.
I have no idea why the formatting is going crazy. My end, or yours?
Despite the rumors, the only truth she knew was that Kazuma was one and he
had hid it from her. She had seen an alter before, many months ago. He had
come by town, looking to pluck their meager belongs from them. His later
had been a robot, that had destroyed the town gate when it had been closed.
A futile attempt at barring the hooligans way. The mayor had made some kind
of deal with the man. Sending him away and further cementing Lukkosai's
hold on the isolated village.
later -- alter
"Kazu-kun..."
"So, you know now... Well, that's fine. "
Four periods in an elipse that terminates a sentence.
Venus had run after the others as quickly as she could, arriving on the
scene as Mars tumbled on the ground with Ranma. As she winced in, she
watched them rolling down a gentle incline, only to be stopped by a decent
sized remnant of some wall.
'winced in'?
"Will you girls just stay the Hell out of my fight!"
Hell -- hell (I don't _think_ he's referring to the place....)
"Will you just grow up!" Rei yelled back. "Real adults don't go around
trying to kill people!"
up!" -- up?" (?)
Ranma stood, face coloring with anger as his eyes widened in apparent
outrage. "Me! Me not an adult... Hah! I not the one running around in a
skimpy skirt without any panties!"
Elipses.
A burst of heat came from Mars as fire formed a small corona around the
upset senshi. She sputtered, attempting to speak but failing.
speak but -- speak, but
"I'll calm down as soon as you ladies get out of my way!" Ranma riposted
while he crossed his arms over his chest, a defiant pose.
I don't know if 'riposted' quite works as well...
A small self-satisfied smirk crossed Ranma's face. The little she had seen
of Vash, made her doubt Ranma's claims and she felt a calm discussion where
grievances where aired and discussed could bring about a peaceful
resolution. Most would call it woman's intuition, but she would call it
faith. And she had faith that this could all be worked out... if they would
only stop and listen! "This fighting is useless. Will you both just listen
to each other?!"
Who's 'her'?
The eyes of the other's all fell onto her, as she looked defiantly at Ranma.
She hoped that... she didn't know what she hoped... She only knew that
violence wasn't the answer, especially in this case.
other's -- others
"Are you ready, Vash?" The solemn inquiry issued by Ranma to his opponent
hit her hard. She felt her heartbeat speedup and her lungs constrict signifying the
doubt she has in her own instincts and the irrational feeling of disappointment
in Ranma.
has -- had
"He's not in any danger is she," voice cracking as worry began to gnaw at
her.
is she," -- is he?"
The inappropriateness of the whole situation struck her, as the presumptuous
little lingerie thief stood there with wide eyes, hopefully waiting for her
to accept his little perverted gift. Just behind the little toad, stood
Kimishima, amused by the whole situation. His amused looked made her
pause for a second, and she frowned disapprovingly at him.
Kimishima, amused -- extra space
their own. Away from the petty struggles of the day, eating, worrying about
his father, his fiancee, his life, or his current quest. Being born in
quest. Being extra space(es?).
Running forward, away from his memories, Ranma charged the slightly off
balance man, intent on giving no quarter. He could see each movement from
Vash in minute detail as it mirrored his past. The slight tightening of the
legs and arms as he assumed a crouch, shoulders squaring, back straightening
while the eyes expanded in an attempt to see all.
off balance -- off-balance
evasions as he drew too close for knives to employ them.
knives -- Knives
The distance had shrunk to twenty feet when he noticed the glow; a feint
sheen that at first he had mistaken for sweat began to form around the boy.
feint sheen -- faint sheen
---------------------------------
Why is this scene break so much longer?
Coming to a rest after the toss, Ranma thanked the Kami that he had been
able to move with it, saving his wrist from fracture. Vash moved purposely
towards him, eyes unreadable as Ranma pulled himself together and searched
his mind frantically for something that would effectively alter the course
of repeating history.
Kami -- kami
Vash approached, reaching out a hand, in an apparent gesture to help the boy
stand.
Love the contrast. Very nice.
Ranma watched as the poniard light slowly retracted from his body. Blood,
his blood, dripped from the wound and the self-suspending glitters as he
began to feel faint, as another muffled rumble shook the foundations of the
underground complex.
poniard light -- What?
Repetition, 'as'.
"My Apologies, my real _brother_ awaits. You filthy humans are not worth
the trouble of sharing the air with. Enjoy the rest of your pathetic life."
A hard slap delivered across the Ranma's face sent the beaten boy reeling
along the wall, accentuated Knives' venomous statement.
Apologies -- apologies
"Better than us, ha!" He spit the words out as he saw the boy stir.
ha!" He -- ha!" he
"Do you what you must... But I never knew. Not until it was way to
late..." Vash hacked for breath before continuing, "I always have... and I
always will consider you my brother." The words seemed to slip quietly out
if his mouth. As his head flopped back against the gray concrete floor and
his eyes fell closed.
Elipses.
way to late -- way too late
He turned to regard the stern faced woman, meeting her gaze as fired burned
anew in his eyes, and he vowed that he wouldn't be beat by some broads. Not
now, not while he was so close.
fired -- fire (?)
Saturn rushed quickly to the fallen man, worried about his health. His body
didn't look right when he had turned over. Fearing the worst and cursing
there inaction when the literal fireworks had started at the end.
there -- their
Kneeling over him quickly, she immersed herself in the heeling process, as
she gathered her magic and extended her senses.
heeling -- healing
He smirked, "He's mine now, lady. Shock of the Second Bullet!" His fist
slammed down into the ground creating an eruption of earth and cement that
sent her tumbling away and propelled him into the air.
smirked, "He's -- smirked. "He's
"Mine was a martial arts move my dad left me when he died. I don't know
what the hell that thing is that he can do. It's how his brother Beat me,
and blew up the shelter we staying at. He told me his brother was in on it
when used that power to skewer me. Happy now! He needs to be stopped!"
Beat -- beat
Happy now! -- Happy now?
Atop a nearby tower stood a slender woman, binoculars in hand, and watching
as the alter raced away with Vash. She chuckled lightly at the sight, glad
that she hadn't had to intervene more directly on Vash's behalf before she
was ready to finally expose herself to him. She wondered idly, if he had
learned to use the power that he had be borne with and that she and the
others had been gifted. She had seen no sight of it until today and assumed
he still rejected his heritage in his laughable attempt to aid humanity.
I thought 'alter' was used as a proper noun here?
he had be borne -- he had been born (?)
had been gifted -- ...what? Sorry, I rolled a critical failure on my
literacy check there.
alter had only been given a slight suggestion, a mere hinting at the proper
place to go and collect his reward. She was so confident in her ability and
subtlety that that she was positive he didn't even notice the thought as
unnatural, or not his own, and she was confident that he was headed where
she wanted him to go, Kyoto.
Alter is or is not a proper noun? Might want to see if I missed any other
instances, if it IS a proper noun....
Vash needed chastising for his childishness, his suffering and help for
these mere humans was laughable. He had been a bad boy, leaving them, the
way he had. Administering such chastisement before he returned to Knives
would be her job.
them, the -- them the (optional)
The change left a figure resembling a white-skinned gargoyle in from a
distance, she flapped a few times, sticking out her tail, and tucking in her
legs as she took off into the air, intent on monitoring the progress, of her
one time future brother-in-law.
Erm....
Minako and Hotaru rode out of town, counting on their newly acquired donkey
to keep them going. Its name was Bean Bandit, and the owner had refused to
answer their inquiries into its strange name. The owner had only laughed,
saying that his Bean Bandit was the one and only "Vodka Donkey" In
existence, but gave no further explanation then that. They were in a hurry,
so they didn't press the issue, content that the animal had ample space to
transport both of them and the three packs they had retrieved. When they
were loading up their new ride, the prior owner had made some comment about
keeping the animal away from cats, but failed to go into detail.
In existence -- in existance (spelling?)
The two senshi put this bizarre episode behind them as they rode out of
town, hoping to catch up to Mars as she chased after their target. The
Extra space after that period.
He reached for his head, only to belatedly realize he was bound, pretty
tightly in the back seat.
'pretty' relative to what?
He nodded, acknowledging the statement, and leaned back against the hard
back seat. He concentrated for a second, reaching out his sense for his
brother. He had decided to run no longer, a reckoning was coming. Feeling
the distant draw of power, the beacon he used for his brother, he nodded to
himself. He ignored the sweet smell of power that emanated from north of
Knives. It was growing power, not as quickly as Knives had been, of that he
was sure. But it frightened him as much if not more than his brother did,
afraid it would consume him.
A lot of those sentences begin with 'he'....
"Great! I have business there!" He said, deciding that he'd just as well
served getting a ride across the island, as walking.
there!" He said -- there!" he said (unless he's god, in which case you
just drop the extra space.)
"Nope, not a peep out of me. And thanks!" he said brightly, ignoring the
snorts that came from the two boys.
thanks!" he -- extra space, there.
He followed suit and looked around, stopping when he spied what he assumed
to be the source of the explosion, the Senshi of Mars, facing of against the
boy who had been seated next to him.
There was a flash of multi-colored lights that swirled around the young man
and attached themselves to his right hand and arm, forming a gauntlet of
power that Vash could feel from here.
here -- there
(to be continued)
Whew! Getting back into the swing of things. Let's get some C&C going on
up in here, y'all. ;)
Author's notes: I hope you enjoyed so far. Thanks go to the following
multitude of people for help on this and previous endeavors to make this
story the least bit presentable and hopefully enjoyable:
Corwin, Merc, Dracos, Brian Randall, Trunky Boy, Mads, and Fallacy for
their input and help with this piece so far.
I apologize if I missed anyone or I failed to incorporate any suggestion,
it was definitely not intended as a slight
Sorry I missed this on The Refuge. I was in the throes of Muse Madness at
the time. �_�
Next project... ? I'll see what I feel like, but don't expect chapter 4 of
this until the end of May at the earliest, for any that would want more of
this, that is.
Drat.
C&C encouraged.
The best way to GET C&C is... ;)
Other chapters found at http://kpjam.anifics.com
e-mail noirchloe@nyc.rr.com