Jeniam wrote:

   In fact all the girls reminded her of silk.  Their
smell, their behaviors in different ways, and their
looks.  She just hoped they would take her in.

Silk, their smell

Actually, a long ("em") dash would be better, or maybe a colon.  
A comma doesn't really improve matters.  I could live with the 
original structure, though -- sometimes sentence fragments have 
their uses.

   "Hai, Oneesan," Tarre said.  "How was school
today?"  Though Nabiki had already turned around.

maybe -today?"  She added though Nabiki

I think

   today?"  But Nabiki had already turned around.

would be a less cumbersome way of revising the sentence.

Everything else, I think you were pretty much on target.

-- Bob

===============================================================================
Robert M. Schroeck          rms@eclipse.net         http://www.eclipse.net/~rms
===============================================================================
Please to remember
Eleven September --
Hijack, destruction and plot.
Our outraged reaction
To terrorist action
Should never be forgot.
===============================================================================

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