In a message dated 4/26/02 11:02:40 AM, whonk@xinu.nu writes:
--On 4/25/02 9:23 PM -0400 Kyhdin@aol.com wrote:
-Steve "Komodo" T.
It has been said that a land with a hero(ine) in it, will usually find
tasks for him or her to do.
There's some extra spaces here and there. It appears that your
mailer/editor/whatever put two spaces at the end of each line and then
mine rewrapped it on quotation. So it may not be a real problem.
But I'll look into it.
When recently told this, Mirai Oroza's response peeled the paint off
the wall, blew the speaker's hair back and left them quivering in abject
fear of soft silky things.
I assume you are using 'them' as a non-gender specific singular personal
pronoun?
...
What you said.
When they didn't immediately disentigrate and instead became a
disintegrate
Doh! ::Swats spell checker::
Roughly about three months after the launch of the Sakigake, Machinegal's
Either 'Roughly' or 'about' would be sufficient.
Doh! ::Swats spell checker::
The move had
caught Moldiver by surprise, she'd been asleep when it happened and
like most, had found out about the thunder of it's collapse had rolled
across
the city in the early morning light.
...found out about it as the thunder...
Whoops! Will fix
It was a complete hundred and eighty turnaround for Machinegal, who up
until that point, had been a thief of old technology from the late 20th
and early 21st century.
...turn around...
Professor Machinegal wipes out a protractor and starts measuring.
"Actually, you'll find that changing my goal from theft to world domination
results in an angular deviation of... 56 degrees!"
:-)
Hiroshi pops up.
"But professor, you forgot to carry the two."
"I did?"
"Yes, sir."
"You're sure."
"Quite. You see, when I was building the Mol-Suit, I...wait, you're not
supposed to know about that, are you?"
"Not until later."
"Oh."
"I really forgot to carry the two?"
"Fraid so."
Isabelle: What is this? A Terry Pratchett Novel? Get back to work!"
:)
"Yep," Hiroshi said with a smile. "Mostly longer battery life, some addit
ional comunications equipment, and an ECM scanning countermeasures suite
which should render you completly invisible!" He cackled maniacly for
a few seconds.
'Additional' has an odd split. ...communications... ...completely...
...(manically|maniacally)...
Additional is probably the line wrapping, but I'll check it out anyways.
over. "The mol-suit's exterior temprature is that of the air around
it, so infra-red won't pick it up, and it doesn't register on the
...temperature... ...infrared...
"Oh." Mirai stared the mol-unit for a moment longer and then looked up
to see Hiroshi staring at his bare feet.
...stared at the...
"Huh? Oh...er...yes, um, you can only leave the suite on for eleven
minutes. After that, the unit automatically shuts off for one hour to
prevent overheating and fused circuits." He pushed his glasses up his
...suit...
Eleven minutes followed by an hour down time? Versus 3 minutes followed
by no down time, as recall? If I were Mirai, I'd hardly be pleased. If the
hour isn't needed except when the time limit is reached, I suggest
mentioning it. "But if you only use it for five minutes, it only needs
a few seconds to cool down."
I figured that was a given. This is also a more advanced unit with better
capabilities, which means down time if it overheats.
"Changing subjects," Hiroshi said. Mirai had definetly changed in two
...definitely...
"This is Pilot Kenchi Misaki of the Dimension Jump Project >SZZZZZKK<
Contact, repeat, First Contact >FSHHHHKKKK< Heavy Damage. I-" There was
the sound of an explosion and a tortured, animalistic howl.
">PSHHHHNNNKT< gake completly destroyed >RRRSKKKK< requesting
assistance. >FSHHHHKKKK< Moldiver
SKZZZZNIKT< " There was another explosion and the sound of someone
shouting
in an unknown language. The picture vanished to be replaced by the
newscaster, her face completly pale. "I'm...I'm told that the message
repeats after that...second explosion. More after this."
O_o;
Ah, foreshadowing...a wonderful thing.
enough? In all likelihood, a roundevouz meant that the Christopher would
...rendezvous...
be meeting up with an interstellar capable craft that would take them
to where, if the background noise in the transmission was any indication,
a war was being fought.
I don't understand? Is this interstellar capable craft expected to be
the enemy, or are they assuming the development of a human starship to take
the Christopher.
I'm not sure I follow you there.
message, he said Moldiver," she said, winding up her tale. "I think
he was asking for me and Hiroshi said he must have encountered something
he couldn't handle, even with a mol-unit."
...for me, and Hiroshi...
"Now calm down, Mirai," her father said. "I'm not saying you shouldn't
do anything, but what about the people in Tokyo? The ones you've spent the
last three years protecting? Are you really going to just abandon them?"
"I've recommended that the police invest in sniper rifles and anti-tank
rockets."
I keep feeling like some lemony comment about heavy weapons should go here,
but for the life of me, I can't figure out what it should be.
"No wonder I was so glad to leave Earth," the teal-haired one said
softly.
I don't get it, I'm afraid.
You will...
"Kiyone Mabiki."
The Galaxy Police. I didn't expect that.
::Door slams open:: Nobody expects the Spanish...er...the Galaxy Inquis...er
Police...Wait, I'll come in again.
Interesting. I don't think I've read a Moldiver fic before. Mirai as
a more embittered crime fighter is cool.
There aren't that many Moldiver fics out there, which was kinda what led to
this in the first place. The real trick is challenging her. She's in the
class of Superman, which makes it a bit tricky. Heh. My original idea was
the villan be Azuza or Tenchi gone nuts, but my friends gave me a better idea.
As for Mirai herself, my take on her is that as Moldiver, she would try to be
everywhere at once. I'll go into it later, but she feels responsible that
Machinegal bombed that building because she didn't make a greater effort the
first time around. So right off, she's angry at herself. She vents that on
the bad guys, the only outlet she has.
Then, there's the pressures created by day to day stress, so she vents,
again, on the only outlet she has.
Then there's her worry and fustration over Misaki, so she channels that into
her agression which she gets rid by...right, unloading on the bad guys.
Then there's the psychological self-doubt and all the other wonderful things
that go with fighting crime all fused to create a portrait of a woman on the
edge.
That, or I just have trouble writing happy cheerful people so I made her
cynical and bitter to save myself a headache.
I found the last minute Tenchi cross over a bit jarring, though. I don't
know what comes next, of course, but Amagi's "let's have lunch now that
we're done planning the death of our foe" line seemed like it might be
a better place for the chapter break.
I look forward to seeing where you go with this.
Me too.
*****************
-Steve "Komodo" T.
Goat and Llama crossbreeding is bad.
Trust me on this.
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