Just of couple of things on your last response, then
I'll go look over draft 3.

OTOH, some of what I felt were shortcomings
in the original are still present.

I would point out that some of what you call short comings 
are the deliberate witholding of information for various
plot reasons. If it helps, most of what happens in the
first chapter is setup and foreshadowing. And since I
follow the JMS school of story arcs, nothing in chapter
one will make sense until later. :)

I think you are misinterpreting JMS's technique here.
I don't know if you've ever browsed the "Lurker's Guide"
website, which has collected a lot of JMS's posts on
newsgroups during the time B5 was being written and
broadcast.  But he makes a big point, in many places, of
how, while you don't give the whole game away early, you
must APPEAR to be making sense in each episode.  Each
episode must be self-contained enough to be enjoyable to
people who aren't steady watchers of the show.

In particular, in B5 seasons one and two, when the motivations
of the folks back home on Earth are a mystery to us viewers,
and some of their actions don't make sense, what we have
on B5, with the on-stage characters, is that they COMMENT
on said actions, echoing what the viewers feel:  "This just
doesn't make sense.  Why is Earth forcing us to do this?"

It is part of JMS' technique to have his characters POINT
to the mysteries, rather than hide them, by asking the
pertinent questions while on stage:  "What happened during
that twenty-four hours at the Battle of the Line?"  "Why
did the Minbari do that?"  "What do the Vorlons look like?"
"What do the Shadows really want?"

The analogous thing in your fanfic would be, if the behavior
of the U.N. is based on info they have that we don't, to
underline, rather than hide, that fact, say by having
Hiroshi comment to Mirai that he doesn't understand why
the Christopher is being staffed for war, that the info
made public doesn't support the conclusions somebody in
government seems to be drawing.  Calling attention to this
point in this way allows your readers to conclude that:

1) You can be trusted as a narrator of mysteries (i.e.
   you're not going to base the solution on info you never
   gave in the first place)

2) The reader didn't miss anything,

3) You have even more up your sleeve than you've shown
   (e.g. it's yet another hook to bring your readers back).
  

Strikes me as unnecessary; Nozomu is bright enough to get
regular entry into MIT even at his age.

Perhaps. But go re-read that part again. There's a bit (a 
tiny bit) of foreshadowing there.

<clip>

If you really want to embitter Mirai and not use Nozomu,
however, how about having Nozomu also go crazy, commit an
atrocity as Moldiver III, and have Mirai forced to kill him
in order to stop him?

Oh, I really wish I could say something about the story here, 
I really do...

"How is he?" Mirai asked. 

"Hard to say," Hiroshi said. "It was a short note. Sounds 
ike they're keeping him pretty busy."

In other words, he's busy building an interstellar
spaceship during his spare time...

Heh heh heh

Ah.  Interesting.  Intriguing.  You may be going
somewhere very interesting indeed, then.  I really would
suggest a few more hints be dropped in Chapter 1, though.



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