Brief comments below.
(The original post was seven weeks ago.)

Title: Alive
Author: S. Mark Gunther
Part: 1/?
Warnings: Angst, Drinking, Little happiness.
Disclaimer: Ranma 1/2 is not mine. The characters are not mine. Only my
opinions about them and the series, and the plot line therin is mine. Hence
why I'm still poor.

Thanks for giving credit where it's due.  The warning is also
appreciated.

[...]

All throughout the night he had dreamt that Shampoo was on the other
side of a chasm and the chasm seemed to be wider then he could jump. Time
and time again he would jump towards her and miss. And every time he missed
and fell down into the valley, he'd climb back up and try it again. On and
on this went in his dreams till he awoke with a shudder and a start. As he
reflected on this a groan escaped his lips and floated to the ceiling like a
warm wind.

Given that Mousse can turn into a duck and fly, or use those claws-on-
the-end-of-chains that he's so fond of flinging out of his sleeves, I
find this hard to believe, even in a dream sequence.

[...]

***
Mousse,

If you are reading this letter, you have no doubt realized that Shampoo
and I are gone. I...I have been defeated in this game of wills and my great
great granddaughter has been shamed long enough by Ranma Saotome and his
family. Shampoo's skills have eroded to the point that even if she were to
marry Ranma, she would have never become the warrior I need her to be. In
short, I have given up for the sake of the tribe. My influence is weakening
in the tribe and I need her to carry on our line of influence.

I don't follow the logic, here.  How does taking Shampoo away from
Ranma prevent her from weakening further?

Using the help of Nabiki Tendo, we have found a loophole in the Amazon
laws and have proceeded to annul the marriage to Ranma Saotome. Shampoo and
I are going to the village to finalize the proceedings and re-install my
great granddaughter into the Amazon tribe as a single woman. What does this
mean to you, Mousse?

With the help of Nabiki?  When has Nabiki ever *helped* anyone?
(Besides herself, of course.)  And why would Cologne need her help?
Nabiki knows nothing about the laws, besides what she might read in a
book.  Cologne has lived those laws, and would be intimately familiar
with them.

For starters, it means you are no longer a part of the Amazon tribes.

So, in other words, Mousse is free to defeat Shampoo, and since he's
now an outsider, she'd be forced to marry him?  What's the downside?
:D

Under my power as an elder of the Amazon tribes I am hereby banishing you
from the tribe forever. Your sister, Eyeshadow will become the family
redeemer and your mother will become her assignor to the council.

Huh?  I have no idea what you're talking about, here.  Redeemer?
Assignor?  And if Mousse has a sister in the Amazon culture, why
would anyone even care what he did?  They'd care about the female
children.

[...]

Why have I done this, you may ask?

I have done this because you, Mousse, are not worthy to be a part of
the Amazon tribes. You have brought dishonor on your family line time and
time again by your schemes and for breaking your pact with your teacher,

What "schemes"?
 

Lotion. You have pursued my great-granddaughter to the ends of the earth and
assisting in making it impossible for her to fulfill her duties as an
Amazon. 

I can see how that might make Shampoo unworthy (if she's so easily
distracted) but not Mousse.

At one time, you showed promise to eventually defeat my Shampoo and
become her husband but you let your desires cloud your vision.

With Mousse, everything is a means to the end of getting Shampoo.
What desires does he have that cloud this goal?

You are no longer a defender of the tribe. You are not a man.

COLOGNE:  So in punishment, I'm giving you ownership of a popular
restaurant.

----

That's about as far as I got into the story.  The writing itself is
okay, but the plot doesn't make sense.  You started from assumptions
you haven't explained (How is Shampoo weak?  How would bringing a
defeated Shampoo back to the tride *increase* Cologne's "weakening
influence"?  What was Mousse's "pact" with "his master"?  When did
Cologne ever respect Mousse?  What desires does Mousse have other
than Shampoo?) and drew conclusions that didn't make sense (banishing
Mousse, giving him the restaurant).

Since I couldn't understand why anything was happening, I finally gave
up.  You need to think through the full consequences of what you're
presenting.  I assume all you really wanted to do was get Cologne and
Shampoo away from Mousse and leave him the Cat Cafe, but the mechanism
you've used doesn't work.

You'd almost be better off *not* explaining the situation.  Merely
present it, and when questioned, Mousse could say it was "an Amazon
thing you wouldn't understand."

Keep writing, just put a little more preparation time in before
starting to write.  Your readers will appreciate a more wll-thought
out story.

Good luck,


Doug
----
Douglas MacDougall
http://www.dougmacd.net/             Fanfiction * Drawings * Roleplaying


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