C&C Below. Please excuse my silly mood.
-- Attached file included as plaintext by Ecartis --
-- File: goodbye2.txt
Two? Is this a sequel to something I should be aware of?
From beginning to end, it all revolves around the little black
dress, Akane thought as she sat on the edge of the bed. We wow
them with some daring mini, celebrate the good times with a power
number... and say goodbye in a plain, silk sea of black. Except
for that one day in white... it all revolves around the black.
This reads a little awkwardly.
suggest: all revolves around the black dress
(Is a funeral dress "little"?)
and: and say goodbye in one of plain silk.
(The "sea of black" sounded like it was no longer talking about
black dresses.)
[...]
She was still too young, she thought: too young to be a widow.
She still had life in her veins; she could still bench-press a
car if called to. So had Ranma, up to the last year. She may
have the years, but the life... she was still young.
suggest: So had Ranma, up to his last year
(More personal.)
[...]
She closed her eyes. If she concentrated hard enough, she could
feel gentle hands on her shoulders... a warmth of breath against
her skin...
HAPPOSAI: I'll comfort you, Akane!
[...]
Leifker presents...
No Dominion
A Ranma 1/2 work of anime fanfiction by Nicholas Leifker
No puma sisters in this one, then? [pout]
All Ranma 1/2 characters created by Rumiko Takahashi, and I claim
no ownership of those characters. All other characters created
by Nicholas Leifker; those I do claim some control over. I ask
that you not do anything with any part of this work without
permission.
How refreshing, someone giving credit where credit is due. :)
However, I'm going to ignore your request "not to do anything
with any part of this work without permission," and provide this
feedback.
So there. :p
[...]
Here was a person Akane could instinctively understand. It was
obvious that she knew the Art; she moved with a simple fluidity
What "Art"? Martial artists always refer to school or style.
(Typically to promote their own and belittle others. :)
There's a great deal of pride in martial artists...
that betrayed her education. She seemed nice enough, if somewhat
suggest: betrayed her training.
(Implies the physical, rather than intellectual.)
[...]
Here was a girl that needed knowing. She'd been lonely this year
HAPPOSAI: In the biblical sense? [wink wink nudge nudge]
[...]
It was clear that this girl was lonely, too. She looked up at
Akane with these innocent blue eyes; a smile formed on her lips,
just before she nodded 'yes'.
suggest: she nodded yes.
(The quotes are unnecessary.)
She led Ranma to the dojo; the girl stared at the surroundings in
mild approval. "Nice dojo," she whispered quietly.
suggest: led Ranma to the training hall
(Avoid repeated use of 'dojo'.)
She rubbed a hand against the hard wood of its walls; she'd known
RANMA: Where'd you get that monkey paw?
suggest: rubbed her hand along
(More personal.)
[...]
Ranma looked down at her feet. "Not really. Pop and I have been
traveling for as long as I can remember. He wanted me to be the
best martial artist in the world, so..."
Doesn't Ranma also want to be the best martial artist? I get
the impression that he was happy moving around. Just like how
he didn't even consider the possibility of having a mother, I'd
expect him to have not considered the possibility of living in
a home.
RANMA: But how can you learn stuff from other schools if
you're just hanging out here?
[...]
Something sparkled in Ranma's eyes at those words. Yes, Akane
thought, this was definitely the beginning of a beautiful
friendship...
[five minutes later]
AKANE: "Friendship *this*, you pervert!"
[...]
Then she got a good look at him - at least, what she could see
from above the bath's rim. She gulped as she looked at his chest
and shoulders; muscles that held the perfect mix of strength and
flexibility flowed like the water below it. His face was never
'bishonen' - well, unless you counted his other form - but
suggest: He never had a pretty-boy face; his was rugged
(I'd tend to avoid Japanese where there's an English equivalent.
Also, how would Ranma's "other form" have a bishonen face? Some
might even call it bishojo. :)
KUNO: Verily!
[...]
Hmmm. Maybe she was becoming a pervert. Served him right for
influencing her like that.
Er, there's obviously been some changes from canon... ^_^;
[...]
It had taken a lot to get that far, she realized. She... she
could admit that she cared for him; it was hard to deny what
she'd felt while he was gone. Ranma had come to represent a
place inside of her, the absence of which she'd keenly felt after
he'd left. Each day had simply been worse than the last, as omen
after omen came warning of doom. Eventually, she'd thought he'd
never come home - that he'd either be stuck as a girl or...
Omens are rather meaningful. Was there really "omen after omen,"
or was she just fearing worse and worse as the days passed?
Somehow, it just came; she glomped him. She didn't flaunt it
like Shampoo did; she just wanted to hold him. She needed to
feel his warmth, his strong muscles; he needed to smell that
unique, sweet-musky scent she knew as Ranma; she even needed to
hear that uncultured, scratchy voice that too often insulted her.
suggest: hugged him
("Glomp" has comedic connotations I don't think you mean, here.
Plus associations with Shampoo and Ataru I think you want here
even less.)
[...]
She felt like she was holding onto the top of a cliff with just
her fingernails - and they were starting to carve lines in the
rock. Every part of her ached: the tiny, fragile doll that was
her body, the clawing, incessant buzz of her mind, the itch for
release that was her soul... she'd scream, if only she had voice
to.
suggest: only she had a voice.
(The final "to" is unnecessary.)
[...]
If she... let go... Ranma's reason for fighting would be gone.
He... he could withdraw with his life intact. Likely he and
Ukyou would become a couple;
SHAMPOO: What you saying? Look at anime opening sequences!
Is always Shampoo and Akane. Ukyo no is contender!
no doubt, Father and Mr. Saotome
would push Nabiki on him, but experience had shown the folly of
that. They'd go on, and he'd life a wonderful, fruitful life.
suggest: Everyone would go on
(I assume that's what you mean.
Otherwise, who is "they"? He and Nabiki?)
[...]
He could survive. And she... she would live on in him.
SOUN: You ATE my daughter?!
RANMA: It wasn't like that. I didn't chew her up or nothin'.
She was only doll-sized, so I downed her with one gulp.
GENMA: Now now, Tendo, I taught my son to eat whenever he could.
When you're on the road, there's no telling when you--
SOUN: Akane is not a dry-ration!!!
[...]
Another mental picture came to her, causing her to snarl in
frustration. Shampoo. She'd survive, all right, if for no other
reason than to make sure that... that... she couldn't even think
the words. Shampoo had used her as a pawn, bargaining with her
life to get Ranma to do her will.
SHAMPOO: Amazons use techniques what give solutions!
[...]
Ranma definitely knew how to get lost, Akane thought as she hid
behind a forest bush. He and his father had taken a tour of
Japan that few others could even contemplate; they'd lived in
suggest: few others would even consider
("Contemplate" just doesn't seem like the right word.)
[...]
In fact, Akane wouldn't have had
a clue as to where to find him if she didn't know him - and,
despite this, it had taken almost a week of work to track him.
suggest: know him so well - and even so, it
or: know how his mind worked
[...]
The girl in the clearing was most definitely Ranma; however, a
couple of differences screamed out at her. For one, her pigtail
had come undone; she still tied her hair back in a simple
ponytail, a chaotic river of scarlet that ran between her
shoulder blades.
<kleppe>Dyeing your head red to avoid detection? How is that going to
help in Japan? And such a poor job! The color is running
down your back!</kleppe>
[...]
Akane rose timidly from her blind. "Hey, Ranma." She had never
been good with words; the filters of embarrassment and fear
generally held the glomps and professions of love in check.
"What's up?"
What are the "professions of love"?
HAPPOSAI: Akane wants to be a prostitute?! HotCHA!
(Consider my comment about the connotations of "glomp" restated.)
Ranma stared up at her as she stirred the campfire stew. If
Ranma's eyes had startled her before, seeing them directly froze
suggest: If those eyes had
(Avoid triply repeated "Ranma.")
her in place. Ranma wasn't just tired, she was weary... old.
"Nothin'. Just..." Her head tilted to one side, "... I'm sorry."
suggest: "I'm sorry."
(You already had a pause, the second one isn't necessary.)
[...]
"Akane." The look was one Akane would have given her soul for.
"I... I love you. I came to that realization a long time ago."
She turned away; to Akane, it felt as though the Kami had turned
their back on her. "That's why I have to go, Akane."
cap: the kami
(No Need For Caps!)
num: their backs
(More than one kami; more than one back.)
"Why, Ranma? WHY?" Akane squealed. "Am I..."
suggest: "Am I...?"
(It is a question, yes?)
"No," Ranma whispered. She stood up and grabbed Akane by the
shoulders. "Akane, the day I met you was the best day of my
life. You're kind, beautiful, generous, caring, compassionate...
except for the cooking, you're everything a man could ask for.
The past year-and-a-half were the best years of my life." Her
eyes lowered. "You deserve better than a freak like me, Akane.
A lot better."
Hmm. I'd probably drop the cooking comment, or at least make
it into a lame joke on Ranma's part. It's a gag in the series,
and feels a little weird in this deep 'n' moving speech.
Akane's eyes nearly popped out of their sockets - a second before
old words came back to haunt her. A freak.
He must have hit his head again. Like the time he'd landed on
that rock, and started calling himself the "Superfreak." Going
out to the clubs every night and...
She'd called him a freak, back in the early days
Really? When? [scratches failing brain]
[...]
She often thought about the next few seconds in the years to
come, usually with a slight blush. Desperation pushed cowardice
out the window; within a second, she'd raised Ranma's chin with
one hand, grabbed her by the waist with the other, and gone for a
full lip-lock. She felt the pressure of Ranma's chest on her own
and the small of Ranma's back against her hand; she even felt,
though barely, the lack of any masculine bulge between Ranma's
thighs. Normally she would have blanched at the concept of
kissing another woman, even Ranma, but desperate times called for
desperate measures.
AKANE: See, this model's got two ends, so we can both feel pleasure...
RANMA: You can just splash me with hot water, you know! ^_^;;;
[...]
"Baka!"
CASHIER: Alright, for clucking, you get 50 cents off your
Chicken Whopper(TM)...
RANMA: I am not a chicken!
UKYO: And he's not for sale!
SHAMPOO: Although he is a whopp--
AKANE: Shut up, you!
Is there any reason why you don't use "dummy" or "jerk"?
This fic is already pleasantly low on gratuitous Japanese;
how about going the whole way?
C'mon, for me?
[...]
Akane wiped her eyes; she realized quickly what had happened.
"Ranma, I wasn't crying because I didn't like it. I was crying
because... because I needed it." She wrapped her arms around
Ranma, crushing her in a bear hug. "Do you know how long we've
been dancing around this? How long I've... I've wanted this?"
RANMA: I'm... Sorry, Akane. But I don't love you the same way.
AKANE: N- No...!
RANMA: I want to love you like a man. AS a man.
I can't be the woman you obviously need...
AKANE: What? N- No...!
RANMA: I don't begrudge you your lesbian ways,
but I'm afraid I don't swing that way...
AKANE: No, Ranma, I--
RANMA: Maybe you should try Ukyo, she's a nice girl.
Plus, she likes to talk rough and dress as a boy.
UKYO: You'd better start rephrasin' now, Ranma, honey. [glare]
[...]
Akane turned Ranma around by the shoulders and hugged her. She'd
been about to call herself a pervert, but thought better.
"Forget it, Ranma. Just hold me." They entwined again, this
time with more comfort than passion; again, Akane felt Ranma's
feminine curves meet up with her own.
She decided that she could get used to such activities...
Since you use the term "activities" rather than "get used to
this," I have to assume naughtiness here. And thus wonder why
they aren't fetching a pail of hot water...
[...]
Akane's mind framed the chaos and cataloged it in an orderly
manner; she'd been working hard to control her temper of late,
and detachment was the only way to keep from screaming. The
ceremony had been put on hold; except for a few who needed
medical attention, all of the wedding guests had moved outside
the dojo to relative safety. Inside the wrecked remains of the
dojo, medical personnel tended to the injured; a few police
suggest: remains of the building
(Avoid repeated "dojo".)
[...]
making statements, hopefully building a case. One person in
particular garnered her attention, a lonely figure near the
front. She still lay on the floor like a broken toy; the bruises
on her face and the compound fracture of her left arm, combined
with the cheongsam outfit she'd worn to the wedding, made her
appear very much the shattered china-doll.
suggest: China doll
and/or: with her cheongsam outfit, made her
(The first time I read this, I thought it was Ranma. Of course,
I couldn't understand why he'd be wearing a cheongsam, but neither
could I think of anyone else who would be garnering Akane's
attention besides the groom. Also, since the unnamed character had
worn the outfit "to the wedding," I assumed it was an a participant,
not a crasher.)
On a somewhat related note, if she's got a (presumably visible)
compound fracture, why the bleep aren't the medical personnel
attending to her first?
This had been closer than she'd cared for. They'd tried to keep
the wedding from certain people, most notably the Kunous and the
Nekohanten; unfortunately, Shampoo had received word of the
suggest: the Kunous and the Amazons
or: Kunous, Shampoo and Cologne.
(The Nekohanten is not people.)
Here's a bit of a poser. If the plural of kami is kami,
then shouldn't the plural of Kunou be Kunou? Hmm....
[...]
Akane rubbed the bandage placed there; her wedding dress was
stained maroon beneath it.
That's what you get for drinking too much red wine.
"Ranma, if we don't do this now...
they'll just keep on coming. I... I nearly lost my head today;
You do lose your inhibitions when you drink to much.
suggest: nearly had my head chopped off today
(Since "losing one's head" has multiple meanings, and I don't
think you cleverly meant to imply both in this instance.)
[...]
Ranma nodded, as though slowly doing a calculation in his head.
"I start training you, in earnest. Shampoo may not be fighting
anytime soon, but there's no telling what Mousse or the old ghoul
might be up to.
How, exactly, is this a "condition" of getting married?
Why doesn't he just say he's going to train her?
[...]
Saotome Dojo. Indiscriminant Grappling.
It was a little odd seeing the term from the comic after
the anime hair color. I was expecting "Anything Goes..."
[...]
One thing about Ranma; he'd made a name for himself. Word had
spread about the return of classes to the dojo; while the classes
weren't full, they were quite impressive for a just-opening dojo.
PROSPECTIVE STUDENT: Ranma Saotome? THE Ranma Saotome?
RANMA: Yup, that's me.
PROSPECTIVE STUDENT: Heir to THE Genma Saotome?
RANMA: Er, yeah...
PROSPECTIVE STUDENT: And student of THE Happosai?
RANMA: ...
suggest: for a dojo that was just opening.
(No Need For Hyphenated-Words!)
[...]
She smiled at the sign. Such a simple plank, but it carried
meaning beyond its wood. It officially announced that the school
was open for business and, by extension, had met and defeated all
challengers. Of course, not many dojos counted princes, whole
tribes, and demigods among that collection...
What "collection"? Do you mean challengers? Did any of them
challenge the dojo, or did they challenge the students?
[...]
She thought she'd known what each of them were. Her courtship
with Ranma had been of the hard-earned variety, and the events
that led to their joining some of the most terrifying she could
ever imagine.
gram: their joining were some of the most
(Sentence fragment.)
[...]
Now, she had both in amounts she hadn't thought possible. Five
pounds, three ounces of it, to be precise. Kaori was so tiny;
her skinny, bird-like arms and legs flailed about as she lay in
her crib.
RANMA: [dumps bucket of hot water on "Akane"]
KIMA: H- How did you find out?
RANMA: C'mon, "bird-like arms"? What a giveaway!
[...]
They were more than mother and father. They were parents,
soulmates... a family.
This is where it all starts to go horribly wrong, right?
She wasn't sure if Ranma quite understood. Labor had been beyond
description; he'd stayed by her side, even as she railed on in
her agony, but he still hadn't felt the pain of... of her body
splitting. That did things to a woman. She'd already put her
body on the line for this little girl, and would do so a million
times over. Would he?
Well, we know he's physically capable.
RANMA: Don't even think it.
AKANE: It's only fair we take turns...
Akane looked in his blue eyes, eyes dulled by a lack of sleep but
dazzled by the little heartbreaker in her crib.
RANMA: [proudly] Only days old and already able to
perform the bakusai tenketsu on cardiac tissue...
[...]
The ice cream tasted differently than what she remembered.
suggest: than she remembered
(The "what" is unnecessary.)
[...]
She was a beauty, truth to tell. They both were. Ranma had been
cute as a girl; the woman she had become was breathtaking. She'd
grown several inches, and it all seemed to have gone to her legs
- legs which perhaps showed a bit too much with the skirt she
wore, but she'd always been a showoff, anyway. The T-shirt she
wore was simple enough; Akane for once was grateful that Ranma
had become secure enough in her self-image to wear a bra.
Is it self-image or The Master that makes Ranma not want to wear
a bra? I didn't even realize until this comment that the fun
little guy was missing from the fic.
Ah, well. Not all fics can be blessed with his charming presence.
[...]
The eyes of all of the women widened when Kaori performed a
perfect spin-kick to Ken's face. The boy spun around, dropped
the shovel, and found his face buried in the sand.
Winner: Kaori. Perfect!
Round Two, Fight!
[...]
Ranma sighed, rose from her position, and put her arms around
Kaori. "Kaori-chan... how did you learn to do that?"
suggest: where did you learn
The result when one such person sparred was breathtaking.
You need at least two people to spar.
With one, it's just practicing forms.
When two such people sparred, a video camera was necessary both to
watch the fight in detail again and to confirm that what was seen
actually happened.
AKANE: Yes, Kaori, Ranma did steal your french-fry.
KAORI: Daddy!
[...]
Ranma and Kaori faced off against each other in the dojo, their
bodies performing a martial dance that she couldn't comprehend.
I can't say I buy that. Maybe it would make her envious, but I
think she'd certainly comprehend it. Part of her role in the
comic is to identify and describe martial arts techniques. ^_^
Punch and kick and block and feint all melded together, blending
into a test of skills for the ages. Their fighting styles varied
from moment to moment, from straight kempo to kung fu to pi qua
quan to more esoteric styles such as drunken boxing and
pancration;
RANMA: Ah! My pancreas!
AKANE: All that sugar you eat as a girl is finally getting to you.
[...]
It had taken a long time for Akane to get over her adolescence.
Ranma attracted chaos the way mochi attracted flies; they just
came out of nowhere to ruin something beautiful.
RANMA: I'm not sure I like that metaphor.
AKANE: Other things attract flies, too.
RANMA: Uh, let's stick with the original...
[...]
"This is going to sound crazy, but... because of what we
went through when we were that age. Yeah, it was tough; yeah, we
got into situations we shouldn't have been in. But we also
learned a lot from that stuff. A lot of the crisis training we
received from that mess is what got us through the problems we've
suggest: A lot of what we learned from that mess
("Crisis training"? Did they become certified EMTs
while I wasn't paying attention? Or knight sabers?)
[...]
The muffled sobs caught Akane's ear once more. "She doesn't
sound very cocky tonight, Ranma..."
Interesting choice of words, after talking about a boy that
"can't control himself", and assorted "curses"....
Ranma looked up at the ceiling thoughtfully for a few seconds,
then nodded grimly. "Go. If you need a third, you know where I
am."
Who's the second?
[...]
... but other things would be welcomed. Kaori was most
definitely a Saotome - and the way to a Saotome's heart...
...was between the second and third ribs,
just to the right of the sternum.
[...]
Akane sat her child down on the bed carefully. "Do you love
him?"
Kaori wrung her hands together. "More than life, Mom."
AKANE: Well, there's no accounting for taste... [sigh]
KAORI: What was that, Mom?
AKANE: Nothing, nothing!
[...]
"Kaori." Akane's eyes showed tenderness. "Yes, you're weird.
So am I, so's your father, so's your future husband. Do you
really want to be normal?"
KAORI: You're right! I *do* want to be normal!
AKANE: B- But...
KAORI: No more fighting for me! I'll be a good housewife and
always do what my husband tells me. I'll cook and clean,
and never talk back... [lost in fantasy]
RANMA: Probably not the best question to ask someone living
in a conformist society.
[...]
And, with luck, she'd have grandbabies to play with in a year or
two.
suggest: babies
or: grandchildren
[...]
She'd aged gracefully; that was the best way to put it. Both she
and Ranma kept in shape through the Art, so they didn't have many
of the aches and pains others their age had. Time had also given
her patience; it took an incredible effort, but she'd finally
curbed the anger in her life. Ranma, of course, had been a large
part of that, showing how to 'redirect' that passion into
something more constructive.
RANMA: Like the flattening out of the bumps on my head! :D
She smiled as he sat on the edge of the bed. They'd been trading
looks all evening; she'd been waiting for this. Her hands moved
to the belt of her gi; she untied it and let her gi fall to the
floor. She crawled over the bed, slid her arms around his waist
suggest: and let it fall
(Avoid repeated "gi".)
[...]
"I... I was unusually healthy," Ranma whispered.
suggest: I am... was
[...]
He just looked at her, his face completely neutral, though the
pain in his eyes was evident. "Love... you don't know how much I
wish I could. I want to stay here with you forever, to watch our
grandchildren grow up, to..." A quiet sigh escaped his lips; he
looked as though he wished to say more, but didn't.
This doesn't make sense to me. Ranma's argument seems to be
"I'd like to live, but I can't. And I won't try." I don't see
his reasoning at all.
Is it pain? Is it because he feels he won't have the strength
to fight? Is it because he already knows he's going to die?
Is it a plot device to 86 Ranma for the emotional impact?
[...]
He'd lost thirty pounds in the past month; clothes that he'd worn
proudly once now draped over him like a tent. His eyes had sunk
in, reminding her of Gosunkugi, a further sign of his descent to
mortality. Food was difficult to keep down; his stamina had
almost gone.
gram: stamina was almost gone.
[...]
The chuckle Ranma gave she filed away; she found herself storing
memories lately. "Well, that's one way of looking at it. I
guess... I guess I want to leave the world without a mess. I've
done a lot of things in my life I'm not proud of; I just want to
make it a little better before it's done."
RANMA: So I'm finally paying Ukyo back for the cart Dad stole.
[...]
The beatific smile came back to his face. "I'll never leave you,
Akane. I promise."
RANMA: Except, of course, when I die and you bury me in the
cold cold ground.
AKANE: Never! I'd never do that!
RANMA: Akane!
AKANE: We're going to cremate you and keep you in a jar!
[...]
Ranma's eyes took on a distant gaze. "I guess... peace. Knowing
what's really important - us, Kaori and Waki, Mom and Dad, our
WAKIZASHI: Do not call me "wacky!"
Just because I need to take medication... [sniffle]
Poor Kunos. Never respected for their greatness;
always relegated to being "insane"...
[...]
His eyes narrowed; his grin became positively saintly. "Go to
the Hourai cliffs, Akane, and feel the cool breeze in the autumn.
Remember that beach we played at when we were teenagers? Go
there if it's still open; catch the sand in your toes, and battle
the surf." A sickening cough followed; a trickle of blood came
up with it. "Go... go to the roof, and look up at the moonlight.
I'll be there with you." The smile faltered. "I'll always be
there."
RANMA: Although I still think there are better
places to erect my shrine...
[...]
He shook his head. "Akane, you... I could never leave. You
*are* me; heart, mind, soul... if we aren't one, then I can't
think of us as two. I'l be with you." He tried to move his face
upward, clearly for a kiss.
sp: I'll be with you.
[...]
Hey, everyone.
This is what happens when a 'serious' fanfic writer tries his
hand at WAFF.
RANMA: I'm a super freak, super freak. I'm super freaKAY!
AKANE: It's fuzzy. FUZZY feeling! Oh, never mind.
[...]
Thanks to ami for making the little suggestion that led to this
experiment; while I don't plan on carrying through with her idea,
I do like what came about here. Also thanks to the pre-readers
who have helped this along: Richard, Debbie, Doug, Sean, Zen, and
Bast.
^^^^
Hey, glad to have helped. [confused smile]
----
Well, overall that was a good read. I liked the writing,
characterization and plotting. What complaints I have are
minor, and are already addressed above. Thanks for the story,
Doug
----
Douglas MacDougall
http://www.dougmacd.net/ Fanfiction * Drawings * Roleplaying
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