No, this C&C isn't late, it's... it's... um, it's late. Just wanted to
be clear on that.

You know how this works; take what if any of this you find useful and/or
enlightening, file the rest under the opinions of one particularly
cranky reader. :)

"Mark Gunther" <iceboy3@hotmail.com> wrote:

Disclaimer: Ranma 1/2 is not mine. The characters are not mine. Only my
opinions about them and the series, and the plot line therin is mine. Hence 

Presumably you're referring to your story's plot line, not the manga's
^_^;; so I'd suggest making it "herein" instead.

    Kasumi hummed a soft happy tune as she laid out dinner on the table. 

soft, happy tune

    "Well, um, I hadn't exactly planned on it. I need to do some things at 
the Nekohanten but I'll not do them until later on this evening," he said, a 
white lie permeating over the entire statement. He knew she had seen his 

Suggest you delete "over" (because "permeate" implies "through" and they
don't seem to go together).

overnight bag in his hand when he came in and only hoped she wouldn't bring 
up the subject of his staying the night up with anyone before he had a 
chance to talk to her. "Nabiki and I have to do some things before I can 
leave though. Can I talk to you later on when we're done?"

leave, though.

    "So Mousse, how have things been for the new owner of the Nekohanten," 

"So, Mousse,
("Mousse" is an address -- it identifies who is being spoken to -- and
such a thing always needs to be separated from the rest of the sentence
by a comma.)

    "Good. Well I wish you all the success in the world. You're no longer 
our rival since Cologne left, so now we can all be friends at this table." 
Soun extended a hand to Mousse, genially offering a truce to the boy. The 
Chinese male shook it and a tense moment passed over the entire room. For a 
long moment, no one spoke as the meals were being finished. Then the wall 
exploded.

Suggest putting that last sentence in a separate paragraph.

    "Ranma! You jerk!!!!" came the cry from outside as a shaken and rather 

Do you really need the multiple exclamation points? If she's speaking
especially loudly, a creative prose description is a better way of
impressing this upon your reader than adding extra punctuation, using
all caps, or the like.

I hope there's a really good reason for her acting this way. Contrary to
fanfic cliche, she and Ranma aren't constantly fighting for no
particular reason.

broken wall came down more. The hole seemed to expand as Ranma scrambled 

>from the rubble and ran to the other side of the room. "Uncute tomboy!!" he 

Start a new paragraph when dialog changes from one character to another.

yelled back as he tossed the first thing he could get his hands on at the 
rapidly charging girl.

Whoa there. Ranma casually throwing something at Akane? Sorry, but I
have trouble believing that. Has he *ever* attacked her at ALL, let
alone without making sure his weapon wasn't going to do serious damage?
(It could as easily have been scalding-hot soup he threw.)

In this case it was the remaining pot of soup that 
was now lukewarm and slightly concentrated. It hit Akane in full stride, 
splashing all over her and her mallet.

It's not "her" mallet. Mallets are a sight gag used by many different
characters in the series. Unless you're going for slapstick yourself,
you might be better off not using them.

With an Amazonian scream and a 

RANMA: ...which differs from any ordinary scream in what way, exactly?

SHAMPOO: It get buttoned on opposite side.

Ruthian swing, she planted the mallet into the center of the table.

AKANE: Ruth? Ruth who?

RANMA: People zhould haff zex und zex all ze time, und zey zhould alvays
youss a condom....

Second American cultural reference here (the "Lost in Space" one above
was the first). You might want to look up the name of a Japanese
baseball player and use it instead for greater authenticity.

    "Help me! NOOO!! Stupid girl!!!" Ranma screamed as he charged down to 
the dojo, a fire breathing Akane on his heels, screaming expletives entirely 

fire-breathing
(hyphenate multiple-word phrases when they're turned into adjectives)

too severe for their argument. For a long moment, everyone at the table 
merely sat in silent shock at the destruction around them. Between the 
broken table, the large hole in the wall and the destroyed remnants of the 
two-thirds eaten dinner, Ranma and Akane had effectively ended dinner in 
less then 45 seconds. A sudden, even louder crash rang out a moment later 

forty-five
(write out numbers in words, unless they're very large)

If you just wanted something to wreck the dinner, a Ranma/Genma training
session probably would've worked better. These two have no known
compunctions about going full out against one another, and they don't
need any special reason to do it.

    Ukyou nodded and grunted a reply as she finished her last line of 
figures in her big book. With a flourish she took the register of money to 
the back, emerging a few minutes later with a bottle of sake and two 
glasses. She stepped to the register and withdrew the envelope from 
underneath it. "Come and sit with me. We need to talk," she said softly as 
she walked to a booth. He followed her and they sat opposite one another in 
the large booth. Drinks were poured by Konatsu's shaky hand as Ukyou opened 

Suggest: Konatsu's shaky hand poured drinks as...
(generally a good idea to avoid the passive)

    "Yes. Nabiki and Mousse offered me this. Apparently Mousse has been 
left the Nekohanten and he cannot handle the entire restaurant by himself.

Suggest: and he can't handle
(Ukyo is an informal speaker, and it seems odd for her not to use a
contraction)
 

    "That right was given to me when his ass of a father decided to sell us 
off to get a free ride.

GENMA: Actually, it was to get free food.

UKYO: Oh, like that makes a big difference.

    "...Then I want my hourly wage increased by half. And I want all the 
tips I earn for myself alone." Konatsu said softly.

alone," Konatsu

    "Then do what you want. I'm leaving for home but I'll be at the usual 
place at 2.30 tomorrow. Goodnight." Konatsu got up from the table and walked 
to the door. His leaving caused Ukyou to sigh and shake off the sad feelings 
that conversation had caused. But it was true; this was her only option and 
she wanted Ranma more then anything else in the world. She poured another 
drink and sipped it, considering just how her life was going to change now 
that she was teaming up with a man who had previously been aligned with one 
of her chief rivals.

Not sure how she could view Mousse that way. He'd have liked to be
"aligned" with Shampoo, yes, but in a way that would've taken her out of
competition for Ranma had he succeeded. Which I'm sure would've suited
Ukyo just fine. :)

    "Thank you so much, Mousse," Kasumi said softly as she came into the 
room from the kitchen, her apron now off and her beautiful body taking up 
space in the room. Mousse couldn't help but look at her a second or too 
longer then necessary. She was so beautiful! "I never knew you knew so much 

Instead of telling us that she's beautiful, give us some specifics.
*How* is she beautiful? All we can tell from this description is that
she (1) has a body, and (2) takes up space. ^_^  Describe some
noteworthy details about her appearance, mannerisms, etc. that lead
Mousse to consider her beautiful.

    "What vomit?" Mousse asked obliquely then stiffened as he remembered 
his vomiting spell from that morning. "Oh Kasumi, I'm so sorry about that. I 

"Oh, Kasumi, I'm
(comma for address)

    "It's alright Mousse. I cleaned it up. Remember, I was rather unmindful 

"It's all right, Mousse.
(same here)

    "You could sit with me on the porch and talk with me. That would make 
up for me having to clean up your vomit." A smile permeated her face as she 
said the words and she was rewarded by a nod and a smile. They proceeded to 
the porch and sat on the steps to the house. For a while they merely looked 
up into the night sky and watched the panorama of the evening go by them. 

Again, a few well-chosen descriptive details would help here. What did
the sky look like?

    "No. It was too soon. Far too soon." Mousse sighed and looked off onto 
the ground by the koi pond. "Kasumi it's only been three days since Shampoo 
left. I'm not able to throw away nearly a decade of loving someone in 3 

in three

    "You loved her because you wanted the best for her. Be honest, if Ranma 
ever did marry Shampoo, would you have given them you're blessing and backed 

your blessing

Also, suggest: if Ranma had married Shampoo
(in this story, it's something that no longer can happen)

    "I can do it because I had to learn. The amazons taught me so much more 

Suggest: The Amazons taught
(it's the name of a specific tribe)

then people realize. I'm not going to back down from her in teaching her 

than people

because they didn't back down to me."

Suggest: back down with me."
("Back down to me" seems to be talking about the Amazons surrendering to
Mousse, letting him have his way, which is obviously not what you mean.)

    "That would be very nice, Ukyou. We'll be here just before you close 
tonight. Take care for now." Both Mousse and Nabiki rose and walked to the 
door as Mousse said their goodbyes. Once outside, Mousse sighed a little and 
looked at Nabiki as they waited for a cab. "You know that this now changes 
everything."

More likely they'd be walking or bicycling (if their destination is
near) or taking some form of public transportation (if it isn't). Cabs
in Tokyo are expensive, and I'd be surprised if they even ventured into
Ranma's neighborhood. :)

Overall, I'd have to give this a mixed opinion. Things are too much
under control and are going too much according to plan for my tastes.
It's true that there some good potential roadblocks here -- Mousse being
still hung up on Shampoo, for example; but in practice, they're
generally just talked about and don't seem to affect the events of the
story all that much. My suggestion would be less talking about these
issues and more showing them affecting events in the story. Let Mousse's
plans run into unexpected snags that he has to think on his feet to
solve. Make it more difficult for him, convince us that it's going to be
difficult for him to succeed, and we'll cheer for him all the more when
he does.


Gary Kleppe
http://www.akane.org/gary/comics.html

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