I'll try not to repeat any of my comments from
the previous draft of this. I did find a few
new things.
"I said, stand down your men, Captain," Makabi said, a hint
Not sure if you had "Makabi" in the first draft. I
just rechecked for my C&C on D.B. Sommer's fic;
Kiyone's family name is "Makibi".
The simple fact is that I am the most powerful ship in
the Juraian Navy and I can barely hold my own.
...which raises the question of how it is that Jurai
is still there. Looking forward to the answer in
chapter 3.
Clay obtained a sample of Ryo-Oki's DNA at the
Technically, I think Clay would also need access
to the Masu themselves... or at least something
tricky. Or why wouldn't Funaho or (the other)
Misaki have simply taken a sample during OAV 13?
but he had spent much of his Navel career around diplomats
Jeffords has a career involving belly-buttons?
(It's "Naval" (sp).)
Or in the case of Tsunami, walking on an emotional
powder keg. King William's daughter, for example.
??? this meant nothing to me ???
Fortunately, the Emperor is more cosmopolitan then his court
This paragraph should begin with a double-quote, as it
is continued speech by Tsunami.
spoken directly to, and make no eye contact with the Emperor
or his wives unless I indicate you should do so."
Shouldn't that just be, "the Empresses" or "the Queens"?
On the dais, a woman who, aside from the difference in hairstyle, was
Tsunami's twin in appearance, though her kimono was a
pleasant light blue.
That sentence lacks a verb.
It took Jeffords a moment to realized that the younger man
was in fact Masaki. A strangled gasp from his
Then Jeffords realized that he'd never met Tenchi
before, so it must be Misaki instead.
"Misaki" (sp).
right proclaimed that Moldiver had realized it to.
"too" (sp)
Tsunami gestured them to stop and then continued onwards to
This time through, I find this scene actually more
confusing than I did the first time. I think this is
because your description is clearer, paradoxically
enough, so that I can understand what you're describing
better, but don't understand WHY the scene is the
way it is.
their platform. "Special Assignment Minister Tsunami," she
For instance, Sasami is still on the platform, right?
These scene seems to suggest that Sasami, as a separate
person, outranks Tsunami, which seems very unlikely
to me. Unless maybe most of Jurai doesn't know that
this is the First Tree/"Most Powerful Force in the
Universe"?
The white haired man stepped forward. "It is the Emperor's
Now the crux. The first time around, I thought this
standing white-haired man was some unnamed major-domo.
But this time I notice that you describe Aeka and Ryouko
as seated, and never gave us any description at all
of where and how Tenchi is seated. This leads me
to wonder whether this standing major-domo is, in fact,
Tenchi, speaking in a Royal Third Person.
Which raises the question of how an OAV-based Tenchi
could be white-haired in 2048.
Alternatively, is it possible that Aeka and Ryouko
are married to some emperor other than Tenchi?
Like Youshou?
"The message was disrupted, Your Highness," Tsunami replied.
This, for instance, seems to be Tsunami calling the
white-haired major-domo "Your Highness".
Only fragments, as I explained in my report, were
received. The Terrans have sent aid.
This is quite puzzling also, taken in conjunction
with Chapter 1. This seems to be in line with your
earlier drafts, in which a fragmented message was
superimposed on Misaki's distress signal, as opposed
to your more recent, where nothing was made public.
But the implication is that the best Jurai could do
is send a disruptable transmission? Why didn't
they just send the ship without warning? They know
where Mirai lives; they could have just gone in,
beamed her aboard, WITH Misaki present, and left
again. As far as we know, Terran technology would
be no better in 2048 at detecting Juraian or GP
ships than it was in the 1990s.
Hopefully we'll find out why in chapter 3.
"Master Sergeant Kleppe, First Sergeant Yonge, and
Corporals Sommer and Oliver."
;) Suggest change: "And the four in the red shirts
are Master Sergeant Kleppe, First Sergeant Yonge, and
Corporals Sommer and Oliver."
(or gold shirts if you prefer).
The Emperor raised an eyebrow and the green haired empress
<clip>
"Lord Collal, your patriotism is appreciated but it is the
Emperor's wi-"
This seems to confirm my reading: the Emperor, whoever
he is, is speaking of himself in some sort of Royal Third
Person. And he is actually present, rather than, say, in
another portion of the palace for safety. Which seems to
mean that this white-haired, standing major-domo is in
fact the Emperor.
While you can certainly have Juraian court customs be
anything you want, I'd think Jeffords would be QUITE
surprised at this.
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