--On 5/15/02 7:55 PM -0400 Sam Vilsmeier wrote:
Ranma gulped. "Hotaru... I'm not going too."
...going to." not too.
"Hotaru, it is not your body that makes ya beautiful... well it's a nice
one though. err. what I'm trying to say is..."
"Hotaru, it's not..." I can't see Ranma *not* using a contraction. :-)
Hotaru sighed and spoke, "What are you trying to say Ranma?"
...say, Ranma?"
Ranma gulped. He hated being in the spotlight, but he had to finish.
"Hotaru, your really pretty but that doesn't make ya beautiful... ok, it
your -> you're or yer even. :-)
does but... err... what I mean is that you're a good person. That is what
That's
makes you really beautiful. If we did it, it wouldn't prove nothin' cause
you're already you! Ya see?"
Her voice was honest, like she wanted him to know a truth that she had
hopped to keep hidden. She was bearing her soul to him. "Ranma, I'm
hopped -> hoped
sorry. I should not have done that. I was not being honest with you. The
reason what I want you is not to prove that I'm beautiful. It's much more
what -> that
then that."
then -> than
mistake! Please Ranma. Grant me this one request! Please!"
Please, Ranma.
Ranma looked side to side for a moment. He was scanning the horizon. He
could let no one know. If they found out then, both he and Hotaru would be
...found out, then both...
This had been without the most chaotic, life altering day in his life
sense Jusenkyo. He was going to be a father. Him, a father. This was
sense -> since
He had sex with the girl. Not like before, an innocent mistake that had
dishonored them both, but real consensual sex. It had been good. Really,
really good, but was it worth all this?
An innocent mistake? What, did they slip on the ice and just whoops! :-)
No, he would never be like his father! He would do the right thing. But
what was the right thing?
Dr. Tomoe appears with a shotgun to 'explain' the 'right thing'. ;-)
take responsibility for his action. On the same note his was afraid.
On the same note, he was afraid.
At least Akane was a martial artist. While she was light years from his
level, she was still in the worlds top 99%. She could defend herself to a
worlds -> world's
he knew was biased, clueless, or just didn't care. Oh hell, he decided
that he would talk to his mom.
'Oh hell, he decided, I'll talk to mom.' When you begin with 'Oh hell,'
it's Ranma thinking to himself, but then goes third person again.
She might be a crazy, but sadly enough she
was both the most level headed and honorable person he knew.
...a crazy, but, sadly enough, she...
Michiru froze. Her little Hotaru-chan, the little baby she held in her
arms just three years ago sexually active?
Comma after ago.
She couldn't believe it, she
wouldn't. But now she looked back on it, she did recognize that smile...
...now that she...
Ranma looked out the bathroom door to see if the coast was clear. He had
cheated and used umisenken the sneak into the house undetected. While he
...to sneak...
Akane slowly stomped toward Ranma, she did not sound happy "Who was that
girl, and what were you doing. Well Ranma?"
Period after happy. Comma before Ranma.
Oh, no one in particular Akane, just the mother of my child. Oh, and we
Comma before Akane.
Akane twitched. "just a friend? Like Ukyo is 'just a friend'?" Ranma
winced as she saw Akane's fist clench. Think fast Saotome!
Comma before Saotome.
Ranma groaned. "Come on Akane! It's not like that!" well, it is, his mind
added. "She is just the little sister of a friend from school!"
Comma before Akane.
Friend from school, great save. Now that they were going to different
Colleges that might just work. Or not.
colleges, lowercase.
Akane blue rage filled Battle aura sprung to full glow. In a voice
battle, lowercase.
quivering with 'righteous anger' she hissed, "Great Ranma, now you
Comma before Ranma. you -> you're?
hitting on young girls?" and with a cry of "Ranma you pervert!" she
Comma after Ranma.
and dented drywall that was once part of the hallway. He lightly chucked
chucked -> chuckled.
"Ranma you ungrateful boy! Prove you honor and marry Akane!"
Comma after Ranma. Prove your honor...
Ranma detached the old pervert from her chest and held him at arms length.
"Lets you and I make a deal."
Let's...
Ranma smiled even brighter at this reaction. "They don't have to be. They
have been getting lax on their training. They have become fat and happy."
They've & They've. It's your call, of course, but I since you were use
colloquialisms for Ranma earlier, you'd want to keep his speech short and
sharp. Which, in my mind, means as many contractions as possible. :-)
Happousai smacked his fist into his hand, "Of course! It just can't do for
two master of the Anything Goes style to become weak and fat! For the good
master -> masters. Masters?! Those two?! :-)
"Not only that," continued Ranma, "but you have ten years of lost time to
make up for! They also need discipline! They can't even stand up to you
when your drunk, and they show you no respect! Can a self respecting
your -> you're
The aged pervert nodded, "Your right! I'll make this trip the best ever!"
your -> you're
turning toward his students, he continued, "If you thought your trips
Capitalzie turning.
Hs voice shaking, Genma turned to his son turned daughter, "Why Ranma, why
are you doing this to me? What horrible thing have I done to deserve this
horrible fate?"
"I don't think we have time for the full list--I have class on Monday."
"Oh, quit bitching Genma!" cried Happousai. "Were leaving tomorrow!"
Were -> We're
Ranma quickly slipped out of the house. That had to have been the most
blatantly cruel thing he had done in all of his 18 years of life. He knew
it was wrong on so many levels, but then why did it feel so right?
Paybacks a bitch, ain't it? At least is would keep them out of his hair
Paybacks -> Payback's
Hotaru sighed in pleasure as she slipped into the tub. The hot water
washed away all of aches and pains just leaving her in a blissful state of
contentment.
I'd leave out the 'just'.
She knew that this would not remove the problems she would face. She was
going to be a teen mother. Not exactly something accepted by society, and
she could kiss her honor good bye, but if that is what it takes.
Should that trail off? takes... Otherwise I don't think it's a proper
sentence.
so handsome, so kind, and so skilled. Yeas, he was very skilled...
Yeas -> Yes? Or was it intentional?
It was killing him. She could tell that it was killing him. The way he
spoke, acted when he talked. His life was slowly tearing his apart. Was
...tearing him apart...
As Hotaru thought about the future of her life, Michiru snuck into the
room. Was their any proof, and evidence? She would never confront Hotaru
their -> there
She slowly creepy out the door holding the piece of clothing. Her lip
lifted into a dull twitch when she heard the closing of the door
downstairs. Haruka was home. Oh, when her little girl got out of the bath
they were going to have a very, very long talk about this.
Uh, correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't her real father, Dr. Tomoe, around
some where?
IMHO, the whole thing with Michiru could be handled more tastefully by
making it less explicit. But it's only my opinion.
Ranma "Ryouga! Give me a break! This is important! I'll fight you, but not
Ranma said, Ranma yelled, Ranma semaphored? ;-)
Ranma nodded and motioned for Ryouga to follow him. He bound up onto the
roof of a nearby office building and leaned back ageist a wall. He looked
ageist -> against
Ranma sighed, "That ain't the half of it... she's pregnant man, she's
gonna have my kid!"
Comma before man.
I'm interested to see where you're going with this. Pregnancy is a heavy
issue to chuck into Ranma or SM.
Jim