Still have some funky line wrap going on here, but I was able to
correct it mostly with my mail reader. I *heart* emacs.

Roja Cyd <roja_cyd@yahoo.ca> writes:

"Ranma..."I called. Reaching him, I put out my hand to touch his
shoulder, but he wheeled and grabbed my wrist, and imprisoned me
between his body and the rock.
       
"Tell me that you never slept with him, Akane," he growled, hurt and
suppressed fury emanating from him. "Lie to me."

Mmm, sexy abusive Ranma! I guess I can see rampaging teens turning
into slightly savage adults.

I gulped. He'd destroyed any chance of anything I said sounding
believable. He stared at me for another frozen second. Then his hands
loosened, slid away, and I was free. I was shivering
uncontrollably. Watching him stride away, I came to a decision.
Something had to be done.

See, I don't really get how this leads to hot and heavy sex. Not that
I really mind, but it just doesn't follow for me. I might recast this
scene and have Akane either pissed or pissed. ;) I mean, angry and
wanting to show him, or slightly drunk. The Akane you've shown us is
slightly more calculating, but this seems like a bit of a leap. She
could be calculating, but you'd have to show it for us to believe it. 

"I'm on a job," he said, his shoulder stiff, his voice remote. "I
don't just leave."

-shoulder +shoulders

I stared at him for another second. I turned and escaped into the
bathroom. I needed a hot bath badly. Sitting in the furo, letting the
steam curl around my face, I thought over my options. They seemed very
few. Finally, I was done. I stood and wrapped myself in the pretty
kimono provided for such purposes.

The hotel provides kimono for seduction? Must be a fancy hotel. And
isn't this in Singapore or some such? I'd probably change it to a silk
robe, as kimono are hardly handy enough for seduction devices, and
Akane probably would not A) be able to get into it without help and B)
let it fall to the floor.

"Akane, in that kimono....do you know what you're asking for?"

"A formal tea ceremony!" 

Ranma stared at me. He stood shocked for a moment. Then he began to
walk towards me as though in a trance. His hands came up to clasp my
shoulders and he pulled me up against him. His hand came up to cup my
head ruthlessly, holding it immobile as his head bent and he kissed
me.

His hands come up twice in this scene, perhaps reword?

With every kiss, things low in my body tightened and released.

This sounds a little....intestinal. 

The
feel of his mouth against my skin made my breath catch. My heart was
pounding and I was shaking like a leaf. Ranma didn't seem to
notice. Or care.

Does he have a five-o'clock shadow? I want more gritty details. Does
he taste like the coffee he had back at the restaurant?

"I've dreamed of this a thousand times, Akane," he growled. "My one
regret over leaving is that I didn't stop for a taste of what Kunou
got."

At this point, I just can't help but see Akane slap the shit out of
Ranma. Ranma's been pushing this sore button (heh, no bad lemon
reference intended) for a while now, and Akane's trying to do the sod
a favor. If she slaps him and dresses him down it could make the scene
hotter, more reminiscent of their earlier fighting. But, you'd have to
re-write most of the rest of this, so I don't expect it. :)

I blinked at him. My mind was drowning in Ranma. I didn't want to
think about Kunou right now. But that's why I was doing this, wasn't
I? He was at the root of Ranma's hatred. And Ranma deserved this.

After what he just said? I dunno.

Ranma crawled onto the bed, the blue silk shirt pulling taut over
muscles moving like a stalking panther.

This is a little bit of a run-on.

Suddenly, Ranma reached down and pulled off his shirt. I couldn't
resist a peek. His shoulders had broadened out and his chest had
widened and sleek, powerful muscles were sheathed by smooth, pale skin
that glowed like white marble.

Ethnicity in anime is a touchy subject, but I'd have him shine a nice
french vanilla, at least.

Before I could speak, Ranma hands clamped my wrists and pulled my

-Ranma +Ranma's

fists away, leaving me open to his gaze. Somehow being held down made
me feel a lot more naked than taking my robe off.

"Wow, you're doing it just like Kuno did..."

"Akane." His voice sounded low and hoarse, and his fingers tightened

-sounded +was

on my arm to the point of pain, though in my newly throbbing state,
even that felt pleasurable.

Which state is it that throbs, Utah? :) I'd probably use "sensitized."

"You're mine, Akane," Ranma growled; "No one's going to take you from
me."

I hope the next chapter includes an Akane disappearance. :)

He released my arm and propped me against the pillows. He bent his
head to suck at my other breast until I was screaming with need. I
wasn't that naive. I knew what I wanted, and my hand slipped into his
jeans to curl around him. My eyes widened. He felt so big and hot and
hard. Ranma's head came up and he gasped something in Chinese.

"Xian Pu!"

muahahahaha!

He sat up. "This might hurt a bit, tomboy."  He eased down his jeans
and slid inside me seemingly in one motion.

It's established that Ranma knows that Akane's a virgin by now, so I
think he might be a bit more careful and hesitant.

Of course, these days you only had to worry about breaking and
entering if you were a sheltered young princess somewhere. Every girl
led way too vigorous a life for that. But being a virgin still meant
using muscles you'd never used before and it was getting damn sore.

I'd probably say, "Most girls" as it's less awkward. And it's the
second time you've mentioned using muscles you've never used
before. I'm not sure I'd have Akane quite that innocent, as she's
worldly in most other ways. I'd probably not have her be a virgin, but
since that's vital to your story, at least mention experience in
pleasuring herself.

I had never had a man before but I still hadn't expected to be so
tight. Finally, he was sheathed in me, and we both exhaled. Ranma
began to rain soft little kisses on my cheek that made me clutch him
fiercely. Then he was moving inside me, and although I was still sore
it began to feel unbelievably good. There was an immense feeling of
completion and I was suddenly stretching towards something I knew was
there and coming closer. I strained for it and suddenly a supernova
hit me and I burst into a million pieces.

Ranma stared at the bloody bits of Akane strewn about the room. "Gotta
perfect that secret technique."

"Ranma, you said...it would hurt." I couldn't look at him. In the
silence I could hear the clock, ticking quietly.

I like this bit with the clock.

"I calmed down eventually, though. I've been celibate for years."
        
I shoved at his chest."What, you?"
        
He caught my hands, laughing. "Yes, me. Why are you so surprised? If
you could, why couldn't I?" We sobered at that.
        
"So, tell me. Why did my eyes deceive me then?"

I'm not sure, but I think Ranma might have realized what had happened,
and then stopped, way too angry to continue. I know you said that bit
about heaven and earth...but...I dunno. And after Akane tells him,
you're going to have to work hard to convince me why Ranma's not
hopping a plane to kill Kuno. :)

Overall, I still enjoy this story. It's been interesting to see an
older Ranma and Akane interact. But unless you intend to wrap this up
in the next couple of chapters, a lot of the tension is gone now. If
you want this to continue, I'd probably consider breaking it off at
the half and having them complete it when the story ends.

My 0.02. :)

Colleen

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