--On 5/15/02 6:15 PM -0400 Roja Cyd wrote:
There's a house I'm drawn to
Familiar settings nothing new
There's a pathway leading there
With a haunting chill in the air
I'd collapse the spacing on this down.
"Well, I...Akane, you're not going to believe this but...at the party, I
was WATCHING for it....I KNOW I was watching for it....I know the things
that are out there..."
"What did you watch for?" I asked, my heart sinking. Drugs, my mind was
saying. You know it's drugs.
Missing a newline between these too.
"Ecstacy." Nabiki stared at her hands clenched tightly in her lap.
Ecstacy -> Ecstasy. Unless the drug name really is spelled different--I
wouldn't know. :-)
"You...had sex?" I asked, puzzled.
She's only puzzled? Surprised is probably the mildest reaction I'd expect.
That scary word. I didn't know much about drugs but I knew I wanted to
stay away from them. Until now, I'd thought Nabiki felt the same way.
...about drugs, but I knew...
"How..I mean, why..."
Trailing off is properly three dots (...), but breaking off is a dash (--).
Those photos have me in some...very..." She gulped. "...compromising
positions."
The most awful rage suddenly filled me. To think that a college boy had
dared to take advantage of my sister. And as for Kunou....
Another missing newline, I assume. There's a few in this area.
Wow. Well, this was Nerima after all. I figured even a drug party could
go crazy. If onlythey hadn't involved my sister....
Missing space.
"I know, Akane. I don't want Ranma to leave either." She still didn't
look at me. "But beating up Kunou isn't going to work this time. He's
sealed copies away in places we'll never find them. Unless we kill him..."
Or you could bring charges against him and the people at the party who had
the drugs. Or you could just be embarrassed and move on.
"I'm right here, my traitorous goddess," came a voice from the shadowed
hallway, and I spun to see Kunou regarding me calmly, with the flat of
his sword resting against his shoulder.
A real sword? Or his usual wooden boken?
Sobs wracked her body."I'm sorry, Akane, I just got used to seeing all
those princes after you all the time. I guess I just wanted to see what
it might be like to be swept away...."
Funny, I thought she was drugged out of her mind. :-)
Damn. She'd envied me? What a cruel twist of fate that the one time she'd
tried to be 'swept away, someone had taken advantage of her. I was
starting to see her point of always keeping your guard up.
Need the closing quote after 'swept away'.
What could he possibly do to Kunou if even Nabiki, my smart and savvy
sister, said she couldn't deal with it? My head spun.
Claim it's a digital fake?
"Very well," he said. "You have my word. Once Saotome has left for good,
I'll return all the photos to you, *with* the promise that you'll never
contact him again. And then I will woo you, fair Akane, my tender
betrayer."
Earlier you used all caps to emphasize (LOOK), and here stars (*with*).
Both work, but it would be better to be consistent.
I suggest that having Akane agree not to contact Ranma without her at least
thinking that she'd come up with some loop hole about having someone
contact him or something seems to contradict the idea that she's developed
real feelings for him. <shrug>
Also, it feels a bit disjointed to have a flashback without a lead-in of
some kind. Obviously we need to know what's going on, but it's rather
abrupt this way. I see from looking at the start of Ch6 that it looks like
the ending scene from Ch4 is continued. Perhaps just a wrapper paragraph
at the beginning and end of this to tie it all together. Or rather thank
labeling it 'flashback', label it 'X years ago'. Just something to think
about.
Jim