On Wed, May 15, 2002 at 11:06:17PM -0700, Brian Randall wrote:
I yet live!
There were some who doubted?
Many apologies -- my job keeps me very busy now, but I want to try and
C&C some while I can. First up on the chopping block-- err....
Woohoo, butchered fanfic! Goes great with a BBQ!
Jonathan Rosebaugh wrote:
Fiat Justitia Ruat Caelum
"Let there be justice though Heaven be destroyed"
by Jonathan Rosebaugh
And then he said, "let there be C&C," and it was good.
Indeed it was.
Feel free to ignore my comments if you feel -- I'm a bit light headed
from a cold/fever/Captain Tripps/the bubonic plague/etc.
As far as I can tell, it hasn't affected you any.
Beryl paced. The new Queen of Earth was, for the first time in years,
unsure of her path. What, after all, would she do with the power, once
she had taken it? Her counselors must have sensed her uncertainty.
Cain stepped forward, speaking softly. "Remember the plan, your
majesty."
Good hook, but I feel it might work better if you cut this into two
paragraphs -- the part about the counselors seems like a good follow up,
but could use a slight pause. Try this, read the passage aloud, and
allow yourself a slightly greater paise between the question, and the
comment about the counselors. It might not for you, but to me, that
enhances the story flow.
You know, I think I might have done this at one point. I accidentally
turned the computer off when I was in the middle of editing this. It's
kinda iffy, but I think it works better as two paragraphs as well.
Nero flanked her, matching his partner's movements. He was about to
speak when a courier entered the room. The woman took no notice of
Cain or Nero. "Some vital information from the intelligence service,
my lady." She ignored Nero's outstretched hand to give the packet
directly to Beryl.
Waah.... Okay, now who's speaking? This segment is a bit unclear to me. I
could be light headed, but speech indicators are my friends.
Heh. A sci-fi author of whom I know has a policy to never use speech
indicators. Not even "said". If necessary, he'll rewrite a paragraph
dozens of times to keep ambiguities clear. I aspire to this goal at
times, but it's obvious I'm far from it.
Technically, you should be able to figure it out, given that the
antecedent for "She" in the next sentence is the woman. But this is
much harder than it needed to be.
Beryl opened the package and briefly scanned the papers. "A thousand
damnations." She glared at Cain. "Why didn't you tell me that the
planets would create a countermeasure against Adam?"
This falls a little flat. Some emotion in her delivery (more than a
glare, at least) would help. If she's not supposed to have an emotional
reaction, show us that, then. Just saying what happens....
Well, Beryl is a bit unusual... I picture her, at least in the early
stages, as being the sort of aristocrat who will use a handkercheif
precisely 1/2 times before having a servant pull it from her pocket
and take it off to be washed, if you know what I mean. Inbred to a
fault and second to none. I'm tired too; let me know if any of this
makes sense.
(grammar suggestions taken as gold, then snipped)
was they who had invented Beryl's grand plan. But she trusted them
If it was their plan, maybe Beryl's name should be in quotation marks?
Unsure about that.
Ah, we're in politics land, here. Regardless of who thought up the
darn thing, it's the person who actually pushes it through who gets
the credit, both in Congress and in the Dark Kingdom. Amazing
coincidence, wouldn't you say?
like she trusted herself, and in the end, that was what mattered. Her
only gripe was that, her advisors weren't as useful as they could have
that, her -- that her (the main culprit for comma overuse suggests the
dropping of a comma. What's our wold coming to!?)
Dunno about the wold, but the world is a sorry place.
been, since everyone else refused to acknowledge their presence.
I might be right!
And so you are.
Beryl examined the globe for a moment, then waved it to a stop and put
her finger on one of the islands. "Here, where she will be protected by
both Adam and our fortress. Place Lillith here. Have them place a
garrison there to build the containment." The courier nodded and
backed quickly out of the room.
Ah, I would suggest more detail on the sphere -- I imagine it's some sort
of globe (er... function, not shape). Is it a full color model of the
Earth, or is it a scinitlating sphere of purest white tainted by the
deepest pitch in its core, and Beryl seems to see things in it that the
courtier herself could never fathom? Maybe it's just blue. And you don't
_really_ need to describe it better, even though I'm spending a lot of
time on this point -- I'm just telling you what I'd like to see. Which
is great if you want to write something I'll like, maybe not so great if
it's not what _you_ want to write. ;)
Enh.... I was just picturing a typical schoolroom globe, only with
country lines and names appropriate for the time. It's not an actual
globe, just an energy construct that looks like one. I'll think about
how to clarify this.
Cain smiled. "We must wait until we can control the creature. Don't
you remember what we told you? We'll be putting the power of a
demon-goddess into that construct. It has no control of its own. If
you cannot control Lillith, you'd be better off releasing Metallia
herself. And who knows what atrocities you'd be forced to commit
then?" Consoled, Beryl let the papers drop to the floor. They'd be
picked up by one of her staff and filed away in their proper
place. The Queen, the Empress, even, walked off to play her flute,
still clad in her delusions. The rot continued its subtle work,
destroying the already-tenuous pathways of her thoughts. And far away,
the thing known as Metallia continued working her delicate spell.
NICE.
WAI!
The smallish woman looked sharply at her colleague before adjusting her
glasses. "I know you're upset about the secrecy, Mars, but you and I
both know that Serenity would never have approved this solution. But
it needed to be done."
Repetition of 'but' in Mercury's speech. This actually happens (spend a
day paying attention to the way you talk to people -- you'd be
surprised), but it still looks a tad awkward in prose.
Hmm. How about "Nevertheless, it needed to be done." ?
"Of course, of course. Neutralize Adam and place the Prince back on
his throne. That weapons platform has to be taken out if we're to
strike at Beryl. Even once we've taken her out, the only way to
eliminate the taint of Beryl is to rewrite reality. But I wish there
were a better way. I wish we didn't have to construct these beasts you
call Angels. I wish Serenity was right in believing that the
negotiations would work out. I just wish... I wish we didn't have to
worry about these things, that the kingdom would last forever without
such problems. And then I wake up." She stood. "Come on. We must tell
the Queen at once. They'll be attacking soon."
Hm. 'And then I wake up.' Wishes, not dreams. The delivery there could
use a little work -- maybe something more along the lines of 'if wishes
were horses' or whatnot.
Wishes, daydreams; they're more or less the same for me. "And then I
pull myself back to reality." ?
As she followed Mars out of the chamber, Mercury looked back for a
moment at the Angels, the future saviors of humanity. Already the
spell was slowly weakening, though it would last for millennia yet,
until the Angels were released. Mercury turned her back upon the
Angels and strode out, face firm, as the fourteenth of her creations
began its thunderous attack upon the barrier.
If they aren't going to be released for millennia, then why is one of
them attacking already?
Them are bloodthirsty things, dontchaknow?
Also, the spell is designed to last for millennia on its own, but they
fully planned to release them right away, once they got Serenity's
approval. It's just a safety precaution.
Lightning crashed through the atmosphere of the Moon. Serenity knelt
over the fallen bodies of Mars and Mercury. They had been hit by one
of Beryl's attacks at precisely the instant they teleported in. She
placed a hand on each forehead, seeking the fading life within. She
found it, long enough for the women to deliver their final report to
the Queen they'd misled. Serenity watched their lives spiral downward
and then, suddenly, pulled out of their bodies, caught by her spell,
saved to live again. She stood, crying slightly, and set about her
final preparations. Beryl was coming. Serenity would lose, but not
without a battle.
Lightning, Serenity, They She She Serenity she Beryl Serenity -- not
every sentence needs to start with a subject. Sometimes verbs are good
-- they let you avoid repetition, they break up the repeating sentence
patterns you stumble across, and they could probably give you a way to
avoid having four commas in a sentence with twenty two words. English is
a tool, but it doesn't always have to be a hammer. ;)
But Oi loikes hammers, Oi does!
Point.
This was my most difficult paragraph of them all. Perhaps it's just
too much for one paragraph? I kinda wanted to leave it in one to help
convey the sense of urgency that Serenity feels.
In faraway Japan, eight families mourned. Their children were gone. It
was Anno Domini 1990.
Aaaah.... The last bit of information doesn't flow. You have all these
emotional impacts and then toss out a bit of information... it's jarring
to me.
Well, it was a linking piece. If you'll notice, each section ends with
a phrase similar to the beginning of the next section. I believe that
the mention of the year was inspired by the end of the first part of A
Canticle for Leibowitz, if you have that thing handy. Nothing's
particularly coming to mind to replace this bit, though I'll mull on
it for a while.
I would suggest saying something along the lines of 'vanished from the
Earth in the year...' etc. That allows the impact to remain on the
emotional important stuff that's going on, and still impart that
important bit of data to the reader.
Hmm, how about:
Their children were gone, vanished without a trace. Eventually,
gravestones were erected, bearing the inscription "Anno Domini 1990."
Ikari Gendou pushed his glasses up his nose and gazed across the
horizon, looking for the resting place of Adam. He would be the first
Angel.
Which they would then call the second impact....
Never did quite get that, unless it was another bit of NERV
misdirection. After all, the first impact had nothing really to do
with the second or third ones.
Ikari Shinji was a pilot. That is to say, he voluntarily locked
himself inside a soulless creature constructed from a being designed
to destroy humanity and lent his meager willpower to the task of
slaying Angels. This he did mainly because his father saw no other use
for him.
In his estimation, at least.
Well, of course. But then, I've gotten used to Shinji's viewpoint. His
is the only EVA viewpoint that I feel comfortable writing right now.
He was also a human, though this was of considerably less importance
to his father, and like most humans, he dreamt. On this night, his
first night in a human body for over a month, he dreamed the same
dream he had had thirteen times before.
Ah, yes. I remember this episode.
Good. At least SOMEBODY did.
He did not understand why she spoke in his dreams, nor why she only
came on the nights after he had killed with Evangelion. He did not
care. For the moment, at least, he was away from the merciless world
and she, at least, seemed superhuman in her love, compassion, and
hope. That last was what made him welcome these dreams. Hope was in
short supply, out there in the waking world.
Usagi, Ami, and Setsuna: Would you like to be with me? It could be very,
very, nice....
Hehehe.... Ignore me. ^_^
Well, Usagi's kinda attached, though in this timeline there's no
actual requirement that she hook up with Tux-boy, since there's no SM
after the first season. No ChibiUsa, no trip to Crystal Tokyo. But
even if she sticks with Mamoru, Ami and Setsuna are still free.
I'm tempted. Especially since three separate people have asked me to
turn this into a series.
However, I'm a Rei/Shinji fan. Ayanami Rei, that is. (Hino would just
tear him to bits!)
And again, he remembered nothing. Nothing of importance, anyway. It
didn't matter. It was not as if he could prevent the end of the world.
Beautiful.
I thought so too. </ego>
He nodded. He had a head to nod with, and a neck to move the head
with, and a body against which to nod. He had surroundings and light
in which the nod could be seen. He opened his eyes. He was outside, in
a field of green, with a blue sky overhead. Buildings of purest
crystal stood in the distance, on the site of the first Tokyo, somehow
freed from the ocean. Rei and Asuka were there. Misato, Ritsuko.
Pen-pen. Kaji. His father. His mother. And the lady. The Princess. He
knew that now. She stood before him, she and her consort, she and her
company. He bowed himself before her.
Spacing conventions -- a few of those are trailed by two spaces instead
of one.
Blame Stallman, not me. Emacs has nifty features, which work the way I
want them to in 98% of cases.
Will fix.
"Thank you, Shinji."
Good, good... very good.
This... was lots of fun. Thanks to my semi-prereaders whose names I
have forgotten, and thanks to the Refuge.
Fear the collective might of the Refuge, for it is, uh, mighty!
And full of fire!
Oh, and EoE isn't canon, here, though I use a few ideas from it. I
don't like EoE, so I use TV canon
Always a good thing.
Especially when you haven't got a cement pillar handy.
Okay.
Overall: I wasn't exactly thrilled with the concept when I set out to C&C
this fic -- I've read almost all your previous writings -- and I have to
say, you've improved exponentially. I wish I could improve my writing
skill as well as you could. And you have the beginings of a real
champion for a personal writing style -- not all of it works perfectly
for me, but probably nothing evil will (except for you, Matt. You da
MAN.) In other words, I didn't like it at the begining, but I think I
really love what you made out of it.
Are you saying my writing style is evil? I wasn't quite clear on
that... Of course, coming from you, that's probably a sneaky
compliment. Just to clarify, since I'm unsure: Did you not like it at
the beginning because of the mistakes you pointed out, or because the
plot wasn't interesting enough?
So, if you'll permit the mild parody:
"CONGRATULATIONS!"
Thanks. Though, I do wonder if I'll be any good at longer stories. I
have a few long ones in the queue right now, and I really want to
continue this "exponential" trend, if at all possible.
Once again, thanks for the C&C and thanks for the fire.