Bert Miller wrote:

Finally got to this!  :)

Galaxy Police Squad
 File 1
Bad Cop, Bad Cop
First Class Detective Kiyone Makabi made her way through the

Thought it was "Makibi" (sp)?

The headquarters was the epitome of the term 'pandemonium';

"all demon land", hmm?  [Latin, from 'Paradise Lost']

Yep. It also means a wild uproar, havoc, etc. Just flexing my vocabulary. :)

I'm the greatest lawyer every produced from Shysteria.

Heh.  But I'd bet quite a few readers don't know
what the word "shyster" means.

Really? I always thought it was common knowledge.

She grabbed his hand and began shaking it up and
down as though it was an air pump.

Like some of the other commentators, I like this simile;
very visual.

Thanks. I use them so rarely, the few I do use tend to stand out. Glad this
one worked.

Kiyone said, "He was walking around the street, covered in
the victim's blood, shouting out, "I did it. I butchered
that pig."

"Circumstantial evidence, I assure you."

"He was under the influence of hypnotic recovery of 'lost'
memory!"

Heh.

Mihoshi said, "And then there was that case with Izze Borden.

A cousin of Lizzie's.

Oui.

Montisque fell to his knees and began pleading, "Nooooo. Pay
no attention to that awful detective.

Be kind of cute if you could arrange for Mihoshi to be
behind a curtain at this point.

Heh. Hadn't even thought of that. Have reworked the scene and changed the
punchline slightly since as Max M pointed out, his only losing those three
obvious crap cases wasn't really all that bad a thing.. This was the first
thing that came to me:

xxxxxxxx

The seedy-looking man Montisque had been talking to stood up and said, "Hey,
that's what you just told me."

The lawyer looked as through he was about to lose his best friend. "No,
wait. Those were practically all the cases I lost in the last five years."

"Actually, according to your court records, you've lost 68% of your cases in
the last five years," Mihoshi corrected. "It was lower at the start, but
began to increase in the last two years. Don't let it get you down. The same
thing happened to me, but I bounced back. Just look at me now." She gave a
dazzing smile.

The seedy man turned away, "I want a new lawyer."

able to help in the matter.

Drebbin stared at her. "I was referring to Officer Kiramitsu.
Her reputation as one of the most brilliant and courageous
members of the Galaxy Police Force is known throughout the
entire organization. I assume you're her subordinate."

After all, she did take down Kagato and brought in Dr. Clay!  :)

Also uses Kaggy's foreknoledge of her. And likewise, Drebbin's not that
bright, so he may view the 'bad things' she did as being perfectly normal
and only adds to her fame. :)

his guard, while Kiyone knew she could act like a real bitch
when she wanted to; it was something all of her former
boyfriends could agree upon.

Heh.

I liked that line myself, especially since I've known women like that. :).
Didn't seem to get as good a reaction as I hoped.

Mihoshi shook her head. "No way, Kiyone. You're too nice and
no one would ever believe you could be a bad cop. I'd be much
more convincing at the job.

Somehow I can just see Mihoshi saying this, too.

Thanks.

Rather than act intimidated, Pheriton simply rolled his eyes.
"I got a better idea. Why don't you and the walking tits here

Mihoshi looked around.  She didn't see anything else that the
suspect could be talking about; certainly, no tits from
Aldebaran Five had walked in with them.

Heh. Cute. But I used the hiking bit of the line instead. Also harkens back
to a line I had her use in Vactaion Days about 'Discrepancies' being a
chocolate treat from Altair 7 or some such world, and I want to try to avoid
using too many of the same types of humor with her.

"I'm not some hick from the outer rim. I've known a
couple of guys on the JSD. They're an okay bunch.

"In fact, they're the ones who hired me.... Oops!
I wasn't supposed to say that!"

Heh. Now that would have happened if he was a bumbler as well.

There was no such things as an 'Evil Mihoshi'.

Heh.  Bets?

I was going to rip off the old 'Mirror Universe Evil Duplicates' plot from
Star Trek for Mihoshi and have a  highly evil and competent version of her
subdue everyone but her 'Good' Version, but decided it was too predicitible
and not humorous enough.

Mihoshi nodded in agreement. "Okay. I'll kill him before we leave."

<clip>

Just as suddenly, Mihoshi, stopped laughing and said in her
usual, cheerful voice, "I wasn't joking."

Heh.  I like it.

Thanks.

Mihoshi sniffed the air. "What's the smell?"

"I soiled myself," Pheriton quivered.

Mihoshi pinched her nose shut. "Yucky."

Heh.

Glad that worked too.

Mihoshi said, "That's right, Kiyone, it did pain me to play
the role of bad cop, but I knew it would have hurt you worse
since you're the epitome of goodness. That's why I took it
upon myself to be the bad cop; I couldn't let
you be hurt that way."

Heh again.  Nice back and forth.

Yep. It's a standard humor device, but was hoping it would come off well
enough to work.

Mihoshi happily agreed and began exiting the room with the
captain. "We'll get her a jelly and sausage filled one.
Those are her favorite."

Might be worth trying to work in, towards the beginning,
something about how Kiyone hates even the smell of these.
Say, she passes the desk of another officer who has one;
Mihoshi smiles in delight at the smell, but Kiyone almost
gags.  And Kiyone says nothing to Mihoshi.

Hmm. I'll see if I can work it in.

And no, Kiyone won't meet a grizzly demise. She has to
show up for the sequal as she and Mihoshi go toe to toe
with 'Gregarious' Spacey and the 'Unusual Suspects.' ^_^.

Not sure how you can make a shortfic out of that one,
though...

Most of the humor would have to come from 'Gregarious' retelling of the
tale. Maybe describe his cohorts in terms of their actual acting
backgrounds.

Gregarious: Yeah, there was this one putz that had been cashing in on his
famous older brother's name recognition in the business. But he was a
weenie. Couldn't rob his way out of a paper bag. Got hooked up for this one
awful job with 'The Weasel' when they tried to lift this Bio-Dome. It was a
major fiasco and most organizations didn't want anything to do with either
of them.

If you've seen the movies, you know who this refers to and how right it is.
:)

Not quite as satisfied as I thought I would be when
I first came up with the idea of Mihoshi's 'Bad Cop' routine
being better than anyone, including Kiyone, would suspect.

Well, it's not one of your funniest efforts, IMO,

Yeah. I'd catagorize it as 'cute' at best.

but it's

not bad.  It has its moments, but it drags a bit in one or
two places too.  I think this could be extremely funny if
you worked at it some more (not necessarily right away,
but after sitting on the shelf for a bit).  It feels to me
like it could use another major ingredient, say from Barney
Miller or some other funny-cop source.  Instead of going
for near 100% farce, vary the humor a bit.

Hmm. That might work. This is prolly going to just be a one shot, though.
We'll see if any other such ideas come to me in the future.

Thanks for the C+C.

D.B. Sommer

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