Hi, all! Knight Writer here, despite the name. I just got a brand new computer, and am done with transferring fics to this new machine. Seeing as that is now done, it is time to start writing again. So, I think I'll start with this. Don't hurt me for this one...
A Slayers Fanfic by Jed Bidwell
Why the Slayers Eat So Much
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Around a campfire that shines in the middle of the uncharted wilderness of the Outer World, one could see four shadows huddled about the flickering flames. If one is brave enough to creep closer, one would recognize them as the Slayers, killers of bandits and Dark Lords throughout the lands.
If one got closer still, one would hear strange laughter, and see a glowing white stick in the hands of the beautiful sorcery genius, Lina Inverse...
"Lina!" Gourry exclaimed as he warmed his bones by the fire. "C'mon, Lina, you're F---ing up the rotation! Puff puff give! C'mon!"
"Gourry..." Lina gasped as she tried not to cough, "hold off! I'm... <cough cough> almost done!" Gourry accepted the joint from Lina's outstretched hand as the sorceress exhaled a massive cloud of smoke.
"Whoa..." Lina gasped as Gourry took a monster hit, "Zel, I don't know where you got it, but this is the chronic!"
"Hey," Zelgadis Greywords said in a dreamy voice, "ask Xellos. He's the one who sold me this shit."
"Good old Xellos," Amelia groaned, eyes red as tomatoes with her head on Zel's shoulder. "He always knows where to find the bomb reefer... Gourry, you pig!"
"<cough cough> What?" Gourry asked slowly as he blew out even more smoke than Lina had before him. "Oh, wow... No wonder I'm so stupid... HA HA HAH!"
"Gourry," Lina snarled, already trying to cast a Dragon Slave through the immense buzz, "you finished off the stash!"
"Nah," Zelgadis said, "I got more." Lina and Gourry watched as Zelgadis pulled out a water bong that was as tall as he sitting down and packed the bowl with some Monster Race Gold. With a mere low-level fireball spell - which was difficult while stoned - Zelgadis lit the bowl.
"Whoa, Zel!" Gourry exclaimed while Zel filled the chamber and took a hit that would make Ceiphied shake his head in disbelief. "Hit that shit up!"
"The... fire... " Zel managed while trying not to cough. "The... Fire!"
"Pass it, Mister Zelgadis!" Amelia shouted as she snatched the bong from his hands. Laughing, Amelia Wil Tesla Seirun put her lips to the bong and lit the tumbleweed.
"C'mon, Amelia," Lina said, "Show us that Seirun royalty can handle their chronic!"
"Word!"
"I.. I..." Smoke exploded from Amelia's mouth amid a fit of coughing.
"Look," Lina laughed. "Amelia can't handle her ganja!"
"Bitch," Amelia guffawed, "I can out-smoke any of you!"
Zelgadis finally exhaled the immense amount of weed smoke in his lungs, coating the forest and stoning every animal in a four league radius.
"Whoa!" Lina shouted, laughing uncontrollably. "Zel, man, that was awesome!"
"Hah," Zelgadis said slowly, his inhuman eyes bloodshot as hell, "that was nothing. With this body, I can inhale more than you could ever imagine!"
"Yeah, yeah," Lina said as she took the bong from a zonked-out Amelia and re-packed the bowl. "Watch this!"
"Yo, Zel," Gourry said, laid out on his back.
"Yeah?" the other replied as he took a heavy slug from his water skin.
"You ever wonder if those fics are true?"
"Gourry," Zelgadis warned, "I'm not stoned enough to break the fourth wall. Xellos's shit isn't *that* good!"
"C'mon, Zel, you ever wonder what it would be like to watch Lina and Amelia get it on?"
"Gourry... Ha ha... you're messed up!"
"What're you two talking about?" Lina asked as she took the bong from Amelia.
"Nothin'..."
"They.. he he heee... They were talkin' about...." Amelia's words were lost in a fit of coughing and uncontrolled laughter... "About you and me... Gettin' jiggy with it!"
"What!" Lina shouted, enraged. "Darkness beyond twilight..."
"Oh, crap..." Gourry and Zelgadis managed at once.
"Crimson beyond blood that... that... uh..."
"Um... Miss Lina? Hee hee... What are you doing <cough cough> ha ha ha!"
"Darkness beyond... beyond..." Lina staggered for a moment before falling back on her butt and laughing. "I forgot what I was doing!"
"Gods, you're stoned!" Gourry bellowed.
"F--k you, Gorbachev! Heh heh... The F---k You Slave... BWA HA HA HA!"
"Did... did you just call me Gorbachev?"
"Yes I did!"
The casual observer - especially a Slayers fan - would have been appalled watching the four heroes of the series laughing like idiots for the next ten minutes whilst passing about Zel's water bong packed with Xellos's best weed. Amelia was flapping her arms, mumbling something about flying away. Gourry was laid up against a boulder, so high that he was kissing the clouds while Zelgadis was taking another immense hit of the sticky green bud.
"Man..." Zelgadis said after passing the bong to Lina. "Xellos was right, this stuff hits like a dragon slave!"
"Hey," Gourry said while Lina filled the chamber with bran cell killer. "I got the munchies!"
"Me, too!"
"There's a town a few miles away from here," Amelia said, rocking on her legs and giggling like a schoolgirl.
"Munchies!" Lina shouted after blowing out some good old burnt rope. "Food! Food! Food!"
Xellos appeared seconds later, watching the receeding cloud of dust that the Slayers left behind in their reefer-crazed food frenzy. He'd warned them how tough this shit was, but did they listen? No...
"I almost feel sorry for those poor bastards in that town once they meet Lina Inverse with the munchies," Xellos said while he packed his own bowl. Fire flew from his fingertip, lighting the bud which could tranquilize Dark Star himself. As he held the smoke in - fighting not to cough - he sang a song in his head.
"The devil went down to Jamaica, looking to sell some weed..."
Any comments? Public or private is cool. Thanks for reading!
Jed Bidwell.
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