Kurt Montgomery wrote:
Author's notes at end--
Righty-o!
I've never read a Ranma/Kenshin crossover, save the first two pages or so
of a Carrot fic. And the one I wrote. ;)
This should be interesting. Remember, my advice is mostly based on my
opinion, and you can disregard it if you see fit.
His experiences had long been full of violence. His enemies,
sometimes his friends, and even his greatest rival he had fought, and
lost but once. Even after the loss he carried on, keen mind growing
ever sharper with every battle.
his greatest rival -- the greatest rival (I think)
lost but -- lost too but (unless there was some form of romance between
them...?)
And eventually, the fighting was over. He was the ruler of
all he surveyed, but by then his rival, the one person that had ever
defeated him, had already died, and passed out of his considerable reach.
out of -- beyond (?)
It was once said, "if you wait by the shore of the river, the
body of your enemy will float by." Rational people would say that he
had missed his chance here. But he always thought that power created
its own rational, and he had power to spare.
"if -- "If
But that last line is a real winner, my friend. An excelent conclusion to
the most important lines in your story: the first few.
Mousse crept carefully forward, the old ghoul was planning
something and it would be better to find out now than be dragged into
something later. The voices were muffled through the doorway, but he
could make them out well enough. "[Soon enough, granddaughter. But
for now we must take care. And even after the date comes, likely he
will choose banishment over leaving here, to stay near you. We will
need to drive him off for good.]"
forward, the -- forward; the
Second instance of 'something' (with this line-length, it's really
visible) -- why not replace it with 'it'.
The date? A memory sparked within his mind, he listened more
carefully as Shampoo continued. "[I am not afraid of him, great-
grandmother. If he persists, he will be dealt with, that is the way
things are. Ranma will be mine.]"
Hm.
Are the brackets neccessary? You could just as easily say they were
speaking in Chinese and leave it at that. ;)
Ranma? Always Ranma. First he took Shampoo away, then
countered him at every turn. Shampoo would be his, she would
see him and love him if not for Ranma. Still, why now? He crept
closer, focusing in on Cologne's voice. "[I'm sure you will,
granddaughter. But keep your guard up for this next week, Mousse is
sure to try something while he still has time to within our laws.]"
Special character = evil.
The elipses character will not display properly on some browsers, much
like smartquotes (which aren't, damn them!), so I would advocate
ditching them in favor of the traditional home-made elipses.
Also, an elipses that terminates a sentence should have four periods, not
three, so it's already throwing that one off.
Our laws? Something clicked in Mousse's head. How could he
possibly have been so blind? Things had been too relaxed. Too
slow in trying to make Shampoo see the light. But Ranma always
countered him. In one week, he would turn seventeen, and be
recognized as an adult in the Amazon village. A male adult. If
Shampoo did not accept him before then, or if he did not defeat her
in a formal dual, he would have to abandon her. Return to the village,
to be chosen by another. Someone that was not Shampoo.
I would suggest surrounding 'our laws' with quotation of some time to
offset it, given that the piece is in third-person. I do NOT know if
this is a rule, it's merely what I would suggest, and I'd more strongly
suggest a second opinion before you follow that advice. ;)
He moved away quietly, there was very little time to plan.
Ranma! Always Ranma stood in his way. And only one week to find a
way to get to Shampoo. Ranma would be in the way. Ranma always
found a way to cause problems, to stop Shampoo from realizing that
she should be with him. He was an obstacle, and an obstacle that
Mousse did not have time to deal with gently.
And obstacles must be eliminated, that is the Amazon way.
Hm. Interesting to see Mousse is the one subscribing to that philosophy,
not Shampoo.
Ranma yawned, sitting behind the dojo. School was finally out,
it was time to kick back and relax a bit, then maybe pops would be
finished with his game, and he could kick him around the yard.
pops -- Pops
'he' and 'him'. Which is which? ;) Logically, Ranma wants to kick Genma
around, but....
"Ranma, shouldn't you be working on your history paper? What
are you doing here, slacking off?" The voice was Akane's, why couldn't
she just let him relax once and a while?
Akane's, why -- Akane's. Why (?)
"Aww Akane, that's not due for weeks yet! Why are you worrying
about it already?" He glanced up from where he sat just in time to see
her face contort. P-chan grimaced as she squeezed him unconsciously,
providing some measure of entertainment.
Aww Akane -- Aww, Akane
"Its due in two days Ranma." She sighed, "don't you ever pay
attention in class? It's not like you can afford to slack off any!"
She continued her lecture but his mind had already tuned it out. Two
days? Really? So much for free time, thanks Akane.
He frowned, "thanks Akane, I really wanted to spend the rest
of the day working on a paper. And if it's due in two days why aren't
you working?" He started to rise, annoyance building in his mind.
frowned, "thanks Akane -- frowned. "Thanks, Akane
"How is this my fault? You're the one that's put this off,
not me!" P-chan's eyes bulged as she squeezed him again, he struggled
to keep from chuckling. "And what are you laughing about? I'm trying
to help you out here, my paper's been done for a week!"
again, he -- sounds like P-chan is the one struggling to keep from
laughing. Might want to clarify that a bit.
The squeal from p-chan was finally enough to break his control;
he laughed outright. The fight was sure to escalate. But this was still
better than working on schoolwork, fights he could handle.
p-chan -- P-chan
escalate. But -- escalate, but
He would prefer to follow the traditions he was raised with, but
if it meant staying with Shampoo he would abandon them. There was no
problem there. Cologne would see that he was banished from seeing
Shampoo though, and Shampoo would side with Cologne. Shampoo was pure,
and would not so quickly abandon how she was raised, that was part of
what made her so wonderful.
raised, that -- raised; that
Ah, this must be it. A large dresser far bigger than Cologne
needed, stacked of what appeared to be every day clothing and supplies.
He almost missed it, but it was difficult to hid things from one who
studied hidden weapons. He pulled a pry-bar from the sleeve of his robes
and unceremoniously embedded it into the back of the dresser.
That first sentence is quite jarring. Might want to rework it.
The wood splintered with a loud crack as he tore it away. No
doubt his time truly was limited now. Only moments before they arrived,
but moments was all he needed. A silk-wrapped book, a dried up, twisted
eagle's claw, a long staff tipped with a crystal, one by one the were
removed and vanished into his robes as if by magic. Then he turned,
footsteps moving in quickly, two lit firecrackers dropped to the floor,
and he leaped through the window.
moments was -- moments were
I would suggest replacing the comma after 'dried up' with an 'and'.
the were -- they were
'footsteps moving in quickly' is a bit vague. Might want to clarify.
He had to move quickly, Cologne would be on to him shortly, and
he had one more stop to make to ensure that Ranma would die this day.
Interesting.
Kuno looked down at the photo in his hand with disgust. It
showed in glossy color Saotome standing over Kuno's fallen form. The cur
had the audacity to pose! The photo bore the caption "Ranma vs. Kuno,
0:00:23.45." It was an obvious fraud, one as lowly as Ranma could never
defeat someone with the noble heritage Kuno bore. Occasionally he did
force himself to back down from Saotome's assaults, there was no honor
in fighting an unarmed man, when he was an expert at the sword, but sadly
one of Saotome's stock could never hope to master the sword with any degree
of skill.
assaults, there -- Why not set this off with hyphens?
He picked up his bokken, and walked out. The gods would smile
on him today, he could feel it.
Hmmm....
Cologne entered her room shortly after the fires died down. The
building was fine, but her room was in shambles. Mousse must have heard
them talking. This was unfortunate.
Very clinical.
"[Great-grandmother, Mousse has... I don't even know. He must
be handled more harshly, he has gone too far this time. What did he seek
to accomplish here?]" Cologne half ignored Shampoo's words, there would
be time enough for explanations. Here eyes were glued on the charred
dresser. It was in good enough shape yet, though the contents were ruined.
... -- .... (why using three periods here, when you had the special
characters previously?)
But it told the story well enough, the back was torn apart, and
empty. "[I will explain later child, attend me now, we must begin work,
and hurry. He has delayed us far too long, we must make hasty preparations.
Even then, he is too far ahead of us. Son-in-law quite likely will die
tonight.]" Her voice was calm and level but she was outraged. Careless.
When Mousse was stopped - if Mousse was stopped - his punishments would be
harsh indeed.
long, we -- long; we -- long and (?)
Mousse heard the shouting as he approached. Moving stealthily in
on the voices from the edge of the wall. Ranma and Akane, a twinge of
something trickled across his mind, how perfect. If only Ranma would have
accepted her, and left Shampoo alone there would be no need for this.
But Ranma had made his choice, and Mousse was left with no choices left.
Second sentance seems to be lacking something. Maybe a 'he heard' or the
like.
He slid the staff from its concealment. There had been no time to
practice with it, few had ever even heard of this let alone touched it.
But he knew the story of it, and knew Cologne had it. And this had to
work, or everything would fall apart. That need must count for something.
it, few -- it, as few -- it; few (a lot of these sentences seem to be
missing a word or two.)
The shouts warped and distorted, Akane wound back fist circling
in towards Ranma's face, and slowed. The wind slowed, the leaves slowed
in the trees. The birds swam through jello instead of flying. But his
actions were as quick as ever.
Akane wound back fist circling -- ...What?
Mousse jumped down, screaming defiance at Ranma. Words didn't
matter anymore. The staff lashed out at Ranma, clipping him in the sides,
twirling quickly. Perfect. This would be over soon.
Hmm. This isn't going to be good.
She smiled, Kuno was always too serious, but at least he was here
to socialize with Ranma, Ranma and Akane had been arguing, this might cheer
them up. She invited him in and glanced outside. "Oh, I'm sorry Kuno,
it looks like Ranma's already fighting with Mousse. Would you like some tea
while you wait?"
smiled, Kuno -- smiled. Kuno (?)
Ranma, Ranma -- Ranma, he -- Ranma. Ranma -- Ranma. He (pick one)
Kuno glanced outside then nodded. "Honor demands that I meet with
him today. But I can wait until he finishes with a lessor opponent."
lessor -- One that lets property under a lease.
I think you mean 'lesser'. ;)
Ranma was fighting hard, but multiple stings from that staff were
beginning to wear him down. Being in a tough fight wasn't foreign to him,
even losing happened often enough, but what nagged at him was how fast
Mousse was. Every attack was blocked, and his defenses seemed to be
useless. And the worst part is he doesn't even seem to be concerned.
doesn't -- didn't
The edge of Ranma's vision caught Kuno and Kasumi entering, faint
voices talking to each other. But everything was focused on Mousse,
something different, colder. "Any woman you choose, but you still have
to hound Shampoo. Had to turn her against me. Stop my ever advance with
her. Pull her from China to this gods-forsaken island. But I don't have
time for this anymore."
Hmm.
Kuno's voice shouted "stop talking and get this over with, I have
a challenge to Ranma when he is finished!" Ranma glanced over for one
instant, only to see the heads of those gathered turn as one to focus
on Mousse, a look of shock mirrored on every face. Akane screamed and ran
towards Ranma, dropping P-chan to the ground.
shouted "stop -- shouted, "Stop
He looked back to Mousse, and for one instant shock passed across
his face. Mousse stood there, face twisted beyond rage. One hand at his
side. One hand pointed squarely at Ranma. Pointing a small, black gun
squarely at him.
Repetition of 'shock' there.
Gun? Eh....
His shock was short-lived as Akane slammed into him, knocking him
to the ground. That was enough to shock it back into motion. He had to
be fast, faster than ever. The world crept by in slow motion, the hammer
of the gun slowly dropping forward.
Bummer.
Had to be faster. He flew to his feet, one hand grasping the fallen
staff. Akane staggered before him, instinctively trying to catch herself.
Holding her right where he had been a second ago.
Must be faster. One hand threw as he lunged back towards Akane.
A click and an explosion sounded distinctly in this slow world. The staff
flew truly, despite the odd weight of the gem on one end.
Faster. It was a mantra in his mind as his body moved forward. A
second, somehow different explosion rang out in his ears. The world
continued to move too slowly. Muscles tore as they tried to propel his
heavy body.
This part is VERY good.
The world snapped back into normal speed and everything seemed to
happen at once. He grabbed Akane. Pain exploded in his back. Colored
light enveloped him. The ground from under him and the light faded to
blackness as he struggled to maintain a grip on Akane.
Very _VERY_ good.
P-chan hit the ground with a thud, the vision of Akane throwing
Ranma out of the way burned into his vision. The vision of Mousse with a
gun. The world spinning as he was thrown to the ground. Always the way
of things, discarded. Just a pet, nothing compared to Ranma's life.
A ltitle self absorbed considering that Ranma just got SHOT.
Akane's rejection he could accept though it burned in his stomach,
but if anything had happened to her, he would make sure that Ranma would
pay until the end of time. The amazon was already as good as dead on his
list, if Ranma didn't kill him Ryouga would correct that oversight.
list, if -- list. If
He looked around from his low perspective on the ground. He didn't
recognize where he was, but this was nothing new. It was only a matter of
time before he tracked down the others, and got vengeance for this day.
This is a little vague, isn't it?
Kasumi struggled to clear her mind. She looked around, in an alley
of some sort, her body ached from being thrown. Fear consumed her, fogged
her brain, the vision of Mousse with a gun, Akane, Ranma. Some voice of
reason told her to move, to cry, to run, to do something, but she just sat
there, numb.
sort, her -- sort. Her
She slid down to the dirt ground of the alley. A voice spoke at
her, floating outside of the detachment in her mind. "Well 'allo there,
what's a pretty girl like you doing all alone? I'll be happy to keep you
company."
dirt ground -- dirt
A sword drew out of his sleeve, as he charged. Voices screamed
as he moved forward. Then the world shattered. The form vanished from
in front of him as his blade swung. Reflex brought his vision upward just
as a line of pain drew across his skull, his vision faded as a voice echoed
in his mind, "Hiten Mitsurugi Style, Ryu Tsui Sen!"
Ah... so.
Well, that was certainly interesting. I'm curious to see where you go
with this one next.
Some of it's really stilted; I'd suggest taking a day or two off of the
fic, or at least from this chapter, and then coming back to see what
clarifications you can add, and what typos can be fixed. A lot of the
stylism is good, though, and worked _really_ well for me.
Good job, and I'm looking forward to reading more of this one, too.
Author's notes:
All elements from Ranma 1/2 and Ruroni Kenshin owned by whomever
wishes to claim them (sue each other, not me please).
Erk! Now, now....
Ranma 1/2 is the creation of Rumiko Takahashi
Ruroni Kenshin is the creation of Nobuhiro Watsuki.
Remember, the point of a disclaimer is to show your respect for the
original creators (and theoretically lessen your legal liability, should
THAT become an issue), but being disrespectful won't help you.
This is my first attempt at a fanfiction, and it's outlined to
be somewhat epic in length. C+C is appreciated, please be kind
to a new author ;)
You did your best, and therefore, so did I. :P
--Kurt Montgomery
magius@iastate.edu