Suggested changes: {before : after}
On Wed, 29 May 2002 08:42:52 -0700 (PDT) "C. Richard Davies"
<masefield_k@yahoo.ca> wrote:
"Yes Ma'am," Chou replies, but Lara has already started to walk towards
the front doors, passing by that pair of a blonde and a rouge who are usually
joined at the hip whenever she sees them. {(We know that they're Sam and Mary,
but she doesn't.) :} She pauses to bestow a pleasant smile on Miss Watanabe, who
responds with the cold expression of a shark examining a succulent human
appetizer from behind a transparent aluminum barrier. It puts a bit of lift in
her step as she heads for her locker.
It's interesting to see Mary refered to as a 'rouge' instead of a redhead.
I don't think the aside of who Sam and Mary are is necessary. It should be
apparent to anyone who read part one and is also made clear a couple
paragraphs later.
Since that first night, she has tried to sense for invasions every
evening. On the best days, she hasn't sensed anything, and has been able change
back to normal in the privacy of her own room. Slightly more unpleasant days
have seen her forced to head out and deal with people possessed by things from
the Dark Kingdom. Thus far, there haven't been any very bad days -- ones where
the victim dies after she "frees" them, or {: she} has killed other innocents -- nor
any embarrassing episodes involving the police.
"Oh, sure." Sam steps out of the way to let the girl {(whom we, of course,
know to be Lara) :} walk between Mary and herself. Mary frowns at Lara as she
passes, as though trying to place her face.
The aside isn't necessary since Lara is identified in the next sentence.
She walks out from behind the desk, brushing wrinkles out of her skirt as
she walks to the door. She pauses as she twists the lock open, and looks back.
"You weren't as good as he was. Or her." And then she's gone.
Seems odd for her to offend the help when she may need him again at the end
of the term.
Sam opens her mouth to explain that it's not "this dame" or whatever her
{fvaored : favored} leisure activities might be. Then she realizes that she owes her friend
a more honest reply, even as one comes to her.
That sounded like a threat. Sam smiles. Threats she can handle. "Imprimis,
you don't frighten me," she says evenly. "{Second : Secondus}, I don't have any wish to get
involved in your affairs. {Third : Tertius}, whoever told you that I was a meddler sounds
like the sort of bully I've been helping my friends to stand up against for
years. {Fourth : Quartis} and terminus: So do you -- and you should really stop trying to
scare me."
The Latin is my best recollection, not absolutely certain. I'd expect Sam
to continue counting in Latin as high as necessary once she'd started.
Rune watches as Sam examines the pen for a few moments, and turns to look
in the direction that Lara went earlier. She grows annoyed as the girl makes no
start on following. "What are you {wating : waiting} on?" she finally snaps.
Giving us only part of the name of 'the Cru-' was an interesting clue.
"For the last time," {Ken : Kenta} Easley, proprietor of Tribute Publications, says
between clenched teeth, "I don't stock that kind of garbage. And if you don't
wanna get bounced out of here for life, you won't *ever* describe it when I got
other customers!"
This is the second time this week that someone's {aksed : asked} him about that
crap. At least the last time there hadn't been any other customers around ...
this time, this spacey {dame : girl} chased off two others! Easley doesn't understand
it. Why would people think he had that stuff on sale?
He passes, doesn't he?
Ken {(full name: Kenta) Easley :} forces himself to stop thinking about that,
and focuses on the odd package that came in the mail this morning. The return
address is somewhere in the south; not one of his usual distributors.
Rather than an aside, I think I'd prefer to see his full name used in the
first paragraph and then just use Ken from then on. I get the feeling he's
actually a full-blood native and there is some discrimination against them.
As a result he strongly prefers his anglisized name over his original one.
He slouches still closer, and if she is ever to seize the moment, it must
be this {moment : now}. She darts forward and slides past in his instant of surprised
immobility. The door is only a few feet away -- she can make it --
And then ... something very strange happens. The blonde murmurs something
that Lara can't quite make out, and light streams out from her, so brightly
that Lara has to close her eyes. When she can bear to open them again, someone
else is standing where Sam stood. Actually, her first thought is to wonder how
exactly the girl managed to grow a pair of waist-length ponytails. Then she
notices the skirt. *She* wouldn't wear something as daring as that.
Sam appears to have gotten over her own mortification at the skirt length.
There isn't even a snarl to give them warning. Before the girl can
complete her sentence, the clerk springs on her, grabbing hold of the shoulders
of her costume and dragging her away from Lara. "{Dame : Damn}," he says. "{Dame : Damn}."
"{Dame : Damn} you!" the girl snaps, and slams her elbow into his stomach.
I'm reasonably sure you aren't emphasizing his misanthropy.
This story continues to be very interesting.
If Lara's mother was notified of the incident at Tribute Publications, I
expect that Sam's fater was as well. I look forward to seeing how Sam's
parents deal with it. They may be becoming suspicious of her nocturnal
excursions as well unless she has taken a lot of care to hide them.