And now I try and get back into my routine and C&C. :p

Farzad Mansouri wrote:

Well I finally got off my butt and decided to finish
part two of this fic It's been a hectic time for me
what with work and school I found little time to
listen to my muse even though it's probably yelling in
my ear.
But here it is Part II of no need for myth.  Oh and if
you think I own tenchi you are most mistake that honor
belongs to the folks at Pioneer.  Me I'm just
borrowing the idea for fun not profit.  So please
excuse me.

	... there was a part one? URL? That's always good to include. ;)

Well I finally got off my butt and decided to finish part two of this f=

ic

It's been a hectic time for me what with work and school I found little=

time to listen to my muse even though it's probably yelling in my ear.
But here it is Part II of no need for myth.  Oh and if you think I own
tenchi you are most mistake that honor belongs to the folks at Pioneer.=

Me I'm just borrowing the idea for fun not profit.  So please excuse
me.

	Me I'm -- Me, I'm

	And I understand completely. -_-

sensai-teacher

	I think you mean 'sensei'. 'ai' and 'sei' have very different meanings.

	It was later that night when Yosho and Kiyone returned and the
striken alien residents of the Masaki household assembled to explain th=

e

dire situation. "Is that so...seems like Tenchi has gotten himself into=

 a=20

scrape this time." Yosho commented his cool exterior not broken by the =

news.

	and the striken -- that 'and' is unneeded, and 'striken' is=20
mispelled: http://www.dictionary.com/search?q=3Dstricken&r=3D2 .

	Also, that sentence doesn't parse very well (at all). Why not try=20
something like:

	"It was later that night when Yosho and Kiyone returned to face the=20
assembled residents of the Masaki household to explain the dire=20
situation." Note that almost every word is straight from your own=20
sentence, just with a bit of restructuring.

	In the dialogue itself, your use of an elipses would normally be=20
fine, except for the fact that what you're ommiting becomes=20
obfuscated by the usage. That is, it seems as though the first=20
phrase ends with the elipses, and another begins. Therefore:

	so...seems -- so.... Seems

	But I could be wrong. :)

	Following the dialogue, we have:

	time." Yosho commented

	But here, Yosho's comment ties in with the dialogue, so:

	time," Yosho commented

	Now, it occurs to me after rereading that passage, that it may be the=20
others adressing Yosho. But if that's the case, it most certainly=20
needs to be rewritten for clarity.

	"But what can we do about it Yosho!" Ayeka said her face full of=20
worry. "Tenchi-sama is in mortal danger."=20

	Ayeka said her -- Ayeka said, her

	And how is her face full of worry? Just a hint more description helps=20
the reader form a rapport with the character. Describe the intake of=20
breath, the widening of the eyes, the glint of fear in their depths,=20
and the clasping of hands over bosoms, etc. (that works on a few=20
levels, really. ;)

	"Now, now, Ayeka there's no use in worrying. We know he is safe and
how we can get him back." Yosho stated reassuringly. "There's just a ca=

tch=20

added to it." Kiyone said as Washu set a pendant on the middle of the t=

able.

	Ayeka there's -- Ayeka, there's

	back. "Yosho -- back," Yosho (when dialogue leads into prose, you=20
want to use a comma in the dialogue leading in. Same with prose=20
leading into dialogue.)

	Ex.:

	--"This is not the way things should be," Dracos grumbled, glancing=20
over his shoulder, and resting his hand on the hilt of his katana.

	Tugging the collar of his jacket up higher, Rez resisted the urge to=20
run his fingers across the handles of the pair of pistols in his=20
belt, growling, "When no one else will do what must be done, the job=20
falls to us."--

	However, it IS possible to have the speech indicators in the same=20
passage _without_ leading into them, but the method is a bit more=20
roundabout. Like so:

	--Cornered, and unable to run anymore, the Dark Lord's first=20
apprentice laughed sadly, like a broken thing. His voice was a pale=20
shadow of the power he once held, when he spoke. "So, it's finally=20
come to this. But now that you've won, will you give me mercy?"

	Rez's answer held none of the warmth it once had, when he adressed=20
the apprentice. "There is a time and place for mercy." The loud bark=20
of a pistol spoke elequently into the awkward silence that followed,=20
until Rez finally gathered the will to speak again. "And this is=20
neither that time nor that place."--

	Tricky, perhaps, but important to learn, as you do this often. I'll=20
leave you with this note and let you catch the remaining instances=20
yourself (there are quite a few).

	"Listen in troops thanks to the sensors aboard the Yagami and the=20
coordinates we were given I got a visual id on the meeting place." The =

small

scientist stated as a 3D display of the area with a flashing square on =

a=20

valley popped up from the pendant.

	Listen in troops thanks -- Listen in, troops, thanks

	No clear speech indicator here. This is not grammatically incorrect,=20
merely that it could be a bit confusing otherwise to discern who is=20
speaking (though there should only be one 'small scientist' in=20
Tenchi Muyo.

	"Hmm...Makeikusa Valley." Yosho commented softly. "The lost cause
valley. What a strange name." Mihoshi said quizzically.

	You should avoid having different characters speak in the same=20
paragraph. The flow of action is better served if each paragraph=20
break helps render the text into smoothly readable chunks (this is=20
not always the case, but that's a story for another day). Ex:

	--Padding silently across the Great Hall of the Dark Lord's palace,=20
Dracos raised a finger to his lips, noiselessly silencing his=20
partner. Not botherting to check that his compantion had heeded the=20
warning, he stepped close to a large tappestry, studying the thread=20
closely. Somewhere in there, was the clue. Something to do with a=20
purple thread, that which was most closely connected to royalty.=20
"It's around here," he whispered.

	"Whatever," Rez responded impatiently, pitching his voice low. He=20
couldn't see what staring at a picture of some medievil knight or=20
another would benefit, especially when the Dark Lord still ran free,=20
but he trusted his partner enough to wait.--

	You don't always need to break into another paragraph just because=20
another character is preforming an action (or what have you), but=20
for dialogue, you always want to give each comment its own paragraph=20
othwerwise it becomes very confusing to try and read.

	"It seems like an awful lot of ground to cover." Kiyone stated as
Ayeka faced the kawaii, red headed, genius. "Is there a more exact loca=

tion

Washu-san?" Ayeka asked as Washu calmly gazed back at her.=20

	And again, here. I won't mention further instances, save that you=20
should try and keep an eye out for them yourself. ;)

	"Now Ayeka-dono, what did you to call me?" The diminutive scientist
stated with a twinkle in her eye. "Ah, excuse me Washu-chan." Ayeka
corrected quickly hoping to avoid Washu's wrath.=20

	Now Ayeka-dono -- Now, Ayeka-dono

	You always want to try and offset names (when the character is not=20
being addressed directly) with commas. Ex:

	--"Dracos, are you really sure this is a good idea?" Rez asked,=20
staring into the depths of the mineshaft.

	"Of course I'm sure," Dracos retorted, staring into the same stygian=20
darkness. "You know, Rez, if this were back home, there'd probably=20
be water at the bottom. So it should be safe."

	"Completely safe, Dracos, or just mostly safe?"

	"Completey, Rez," Dracos stated, shoving his partner forward to=20
plunge into the dark mystery that awaited below. "Well, mostly=20
completely, anyway."--

	Now, when you're refering to a character but not adressing them, then=20
you don't need to adress them directly. Ex.:

	--"Where is my first apprentice?" the Dark Lord asked, trembling, his=20
staff held up as though to shield himself from the paired warriors.

	"Oh!" Rez commented acidly. "It's the spineless wonder! Well, if you=20
must know, we've already disposed of 'Mr. Harmless'."

	"We told you it would come to this," Dracos said sadly, shaking his=20
head. "The first apprentice should not have ever been trusted with=20
such power. Your own fear was your and his undoing."--

	Note how the various identifiers in the following nonsense passages=20
('you' 'he' 'we' specific names, etc.) all work.

	"That's better. To be more specific the 'arena' is located here." As
Washu finished the map zoomed in and focused on almost circular grass
clearing in the forest, "It's about twenty five kilometer from our curr=

ent=20

position. We could get there in a second if we wanted to." Washu stated=

neutrally as Mihoshi thought for a moment then slapped her right fist o=

n the

palm of her left hand. "Oh I see. So all we have to do is go to the fie=

ld,

find Tenchi, and them make a run for it. That's brilliant Washu-chan!"

	kilometer -- kilometers (generally)

	them make -- then make

	The room was quiet for a moment as the rest of the girls sweatdropped
and continued to stare in Mihoshi's direction. "What?" the bewildered
detective said, "Did I spill some tea on myself?" Ryoko looked at the
panicking Mihoshi for a second. "Mihoshi, when you worked as a Galaxy P=

olice

officer, did get clobbered on the head repeatedly?"

	did get -- did you get (missing word?)

	Mihoshi scratched her chin for a moment in thought. "No, but I was
tossed out of window's a few times. Does that count?" Mihoshi stated
curiously as everyone in the room (Yosho included) facefaulted.

	windows -- window's

	The apostrophe indicates possiveness, the lack indicates plurals.=20
Another mini-meta (I have too much fun, methinks) example:

	--Rez whirled, knowing he didn't have the time to react as he wished.=20
Knowing he was running out of time, he calculated, as time seemed to=20
slow, and fired before his gun was leveled, sending a trio of=20
bullets across the cavern.

	Blinking in confusion, the Dark Lord's minion staggered back, his=20
eyes tracing the bullets' trajectory from where they had ricochetted=20
off of a steel standard near the ceiling.

	"Holy mother of..." Draocs mumbled, his eyes widening as Rez gasped=20
for breath, just outside of the fallen minion's knife's range. "That=20
much damage, just from a single bullet's strike!"--

	It's a bit confusing at first glance, but that mini-meta contains=20
examples of all three variants you're going to want to use, generally.

	Singular possessive -- bullet's
	Plural possessive -- bullets'
	and simply plural -- bullets

	"Typical." Ayeka commented as Kiyone mumbled something about an=20
explanation for all her suffering. "Well if miss naivet=E9 is finished =

may I

continue?" Washu asked the assembled party. When no one responded Washu=

continued, "Thank you."=20

	miss naivet=E9 -- Miss Naivet=E9

	Capitalize the title when it's being used in the stead of a proper=20
name. More exampl-ey-goodness (or badness, depending):

	--"Knight Dracos," the Dark Lord gasped, clutching the wound at his=20
side. "You once served me! Why this betrayal?"

	"You were never _my_ lord," Dracos spat, shaking his head. "I am a=20
knight that follows his own destiny, not a knight of the Dark Lord."

	"You're still a Knight of Justice," Rez said supportively, playing a=20
hand on Dracos's shoulder."--

	And there you have it. Bleah. I'm growing too obscure. I hope someone=20
corrects me if I err.

	"Anyway Mihoshi," Washu looked banefully toward the bewildered=20
Galaxy Police officer, "The 'arena' is where Ryoko-chan and our strange=

=20

visitor are going to fight. There is no guarantee that he will bring Te=

nchi

with him. We don't know if he's that stupid."

	Whoops. And here we go the other way.

	You're leading into prose with a comma, but there's no speech=20
indicator, and the sentence terminates somewhere between the first=20
and second instances of dialogue. You wither want to change 'The'=20
(in ..."The 'arena...) to be lowe case, or terminate the sentence at=20
'Police officer'. In this instance, it seems that the second bit of=20
dialogue is a continuation of the first, so I would advocate the former.

	Washu calmly pressed a series of buttons. The 3D landscape zoomed=20
out until a series of hills could be seen. "Tell me Ryoko-chan, what do=

 you

see here?" the red head universal genius asked mirthfully as the cyan h=

aired

woman glared at her for a moment.

	red head -- redheaded -- red-headed -- red-haired (any, some will=20
contend that redhead is not grammatically correct, and that you=20
should use the second suggestion, but I prefer not to hyphenate the=20
word.)

	"As you can see this system of caves stretches for about five miles
and has many dead ends. Tenchi-dono could be hidden in anyone of them. =

I=20

estimated anywhere from a four days to at least a week to search every =

nook

and cranny." Washu declared with a frown.=20

	anyone -- any one

	"Tenchi-niichan..." Sasami muttered softly. "Isn't there some way to
find him faster?" Ryoko asked angrily.

	You might want to use 'murmured' -- muttered has somewhat harsher=20
connotations.

	"Hmm," Washu started as she closed her eyes to think, "I do keep a=20
sensor around to locate Tenchi's passive bioenergy signature." Washu st=

ated

nonchalantly. "What!?!" the assembled cast shouted. "Well...heh, heh, h=

ow=20

else is a cute little genius like me supposed to keep track of my favor=

ite=20

guinea pig?" Washu announced hands on her cheeks; her eyes aglitter wit=

h=20

innocence.

	announced hands -- announced, hands

	"Why I oughta..." Ryoko started, veins popping, ready to tear Washu=20
apart. Washu merely shook her index finger at Ryoko. "Ah-ah, Is that an=

yway

to talk to your mother Ryoko-chan."

	Ah-ah, Is -- Ah-ah, is

	"Unfortunately," Washu started crossing her arms and lowering her=20
head in thought, "That would only shorten the search to about fourty mi=

nutes

to an hour. I don't think our kidnapper would give us that length of ti=

me."

Everyone was silent as the new information sunk in. Ryoko abruptly stoo=

d up.

	fourty -- forty

	If time is that short, sitting around and debating isn't going to=20
help much, either.

	"Well I guess we have no choice." Ryoko said eyes closed, "I'll take
on sour boy and buy you the time you need."

	said eyes -- said, eyes

	The rest of the group looked at each other somberly. "Ryoko," Kiyone
spoke up staring seriously at the former space pirate, "Are you sure yo=

u can

fight him for an hour?"

	up staring -- up, staring

	Commage is another thing you might want to keep an eye out for. I'll=20
spare you constant mini-metas, though. ;)

~Flashback Planet Jurai over 800 years ago~

	Is this really neccessary?

	A standard scene break would work just as well, honestly.

	"I'm not sure sensai." the young prince starts his hand cupping his
chin. "But I think I can handle that situation when it arises." Yosho=20
finishes confidently looking at his teacher.

	sensai -- sensei (unless sensei is a different word entirely?)

	I'm assuming you mean 'sensei' as in the title for 'doctor' or=20
'teacher', like Ranma would refer to Tofu as Tofu-sensei.

	Before Yosho could blink the old man has closed the distance between=20
them, disarms him, and performs a leg sweep. "Are you so sure now young=

prince?" the old man asked calmly a blade made entirely of pure Jurain =

energy=20

in his hand now pointed at the princes throat.

	has -- had
	disarms -- disarmed
	performs -- performed

	'Ware the tenses.

	The old man backed off allowing Yosho to get to his feet. The sensai
looked at his pupil with a frown. "You rely too much on this artifact."=

 the

old man said as he held up the Tenchi-ken. "Unless you learn to draw on=

 the

power of Jurai without any external aids you are vunerable in a fight."=

 The

old man looked Yosho once over then slyly grinned at the young prince. =

"And

I know just the place to help you train."

	Eerrrrm....

	My understanding was that Tenchi was unique in his ability to tap the=20
juraian power without a key. I could be wrong, and this could be an=20
alt, of course....

	Yosho's VO: My sensai was good on his word and after getting approval
from mother and father...

	Ack!

	Breaking into script format in the middle of your story is really=20
jarring. I would suggest that you find a way to weave this into the=20
prose.

	Later that night a single camp fire is seen slowly burning. Yosho is
near a clearing praticing a kata unarmed, his mind slowly thinks back t=

o

before he departed from planet Jurai...
=20
=20
	Yosho hefted his survival pack and looked toward his sensai.=20
"Remember young prince practice the way I showed you, and only use your=

=20

blade when it is a dire emergency." The old man said with seriousness. =

"Hai

sensai." Yosho responded curiously before turning to see his father and=

 his

wives coming towards them. Emperess Funaho his mother looked Yosho up a=

nd=20

down before giving a calm smile to his son. "You will do just fine my s=

on.

Have faith in your abilities." Emperor Azusa simply gave his son a soul=

=20

searching look and shook his hand. Lady Misaki on the other hand gave t=

he=20

young prince a tight bear hug tears gushing from her eyes even though s=

he=20

was heavy with child. "Oh poor baby come back to us in one piece." and =

the

young prince who could take on an army of attackers began turning a nic=

e=20

shade of blue.
=20
=20
	Yosho laughed as he remembered that moment. He stopped his practice
to look at the camp fire he started and deciding fuel for it was in sho=

rt

supply called it a night. But as he went into his environmental tent he=

=20

could have sworn someone was sighing out in the wilderness.

	These paragraphs have an extra line-break between them. Any specific=20
reason?

	The next morning Yosho was walking in the forest toward the pickup
point his sensai had chosen. It would take him about two month or so to=

 reach=20

it. Suddenly a twig snapped, the young prince decided to stop, and trie=

d to

listen to the surrounding area all other thoughts forgotten for the mom=

ent.

	two month -- two months

	Yosho instinctively reached for the tenchi-ken before remembering
his sensai's instructions and assumed an unarmed stance. Suddenly out f=

rom

the bushes to his front and back a shrill is heard as a dozen tall avia=

n

humanoids appear. Each is adorned in simple but functional leather clot=

hes

and some held spears and crude axes made of flint and bronze in ready s=

tances.

One of the natives a slightly shorter but more muscular male steps forw=

ard=20

and points a talon in Yosho's direction.

	is -- was (and so forth -- there are a few other instances of the=20
same type within that paragraph).

	"Ktoah shao aoso jan!" the male yells at the young Prince.
=20
	"I'm sorry I don't understand your language." Yosho states rasing=20
his arms slightly to show he is unarmed.
=20
	Before the young prince could say anything further the male yells
'Ktoah' over and over again causing the rest of the avians to charge to=

ward

Yosho.

	More tenses -- might want to go over this section again thoroughly.

	"Nani?" was all Yosho could mutter before he had to dodged to the
left. Unfortunately this left him open to the thin avian with the bo. A=

=20

swift hit to the back of the head and Yosho was down on his hands and k=

nees.

At this piont the remaining avians punched and kicked mercilessly at hi=

s

prone form.

	Firstly: I say this as a fond user of Japanese titles and names=20
whenever possible, but the insertion 'nani' into this paragraph does=20
nothing for it.

	Secondly: The description of that passage is a mite bland.

	Rather than just saying Yosho was knocked around, why not add=20
something about how he reacts -- not "Yosho's feelings were crushed=20
as the avian creatures descended on him," but more, "Yosho's budy=20
crumpled around a vicious blow to his sternum as the creatures=20
descended."

	The young prince, barely able to stand, could only watch as the=20
group gave the axe-wielder a wide breath. "Juota!" the brute cried as h=

e

swong the weapon downward. The weapon however never hit it's mark as th=

e=20

avian was knocked away by an unseen force.

	the weapon however -- However, the weapon (suggested)

	The man then proceeded to fight the other avians off but because of
his intense speed Yosho couldn't follow his movements. All he saw was a=

 blur

that occasional stopped to gesture causing some of the humaniods to be =

thrown around roughly.  Others however were recieveing combos of punche=

s, kicks,

knees, and other attacks each hitting a vunerable spot.

	This scene, on the other hand, deserves LESS detail.

	If Yosho can barely discern what's going on, show us that.

	"Yosho stared in amazement; so quick were the other man's movements,=20
it seemed less he was running, and more like he was teleporting from=20
place to place. In his wake, the avian creatures collapsed and fell=20
limp, unmoving. He stared in fascination as the blur of his unkown=20
savior paused for a moment, the nearest avian flying backwards from=20
a blow too fast for his eyes to follow, or maybe even more strikes,=20
as unlikely as that seemed." etc.

	Well, I think I might have gone on more there than you did, but the=20
point is the same; less is more.

	"Janto naki to!" the man spoke quickly then the sapling's midsection
behind the avians shattered into powder.

	What sapling? Might want to mention this previously. If you have, and=20
I managed to forget, my apologies. :p

	The trio ran off as the tree fell with a resounding thud. Those with
only minor wounds picked up their fallen comrades. Within a few moments=

 the=20

forest was again calm and serene.

	Saplings are traditionally pretty small, by the way.

	Yosho stood up sluggishly, taking in the sight. The being turned and
took of his hood. "Traveling alone here is dangerous as well as foolhar=

dy.=20

The natives have been mysteriously losing people recently and are wary =

of

anyone different from them." a nineteen year old man with slighly long =

redish-black hair commented. He took in Yosho's appearance for a few mo=

ments,

"SO...What are you doing here?"

	SO -- So

	"I was sent here for training--" Yosho began. "ah, let me guess."=20
the man interrupted looking out into space for a moment. "You were sent=

 here

by your insistent sensai from Jurai to improve your hand to hand art be=

cause

you relied too heavily on your swordplay? ne."

	ah -- Ah

	Yosho stood rooted to the spot in shock "Nani!?!" the young
prince looked flabergasted, "Who are you and how did you know?".=20

	Again with the unneeded Japanese.

	"Elementary my dear Yosho-hime, one your wearing a sword which is
very curiously like one that is owned by the royal family of Jurai," to=

which Yosho gawked silently.

	Elementary my dear -- Elementary, my dear (as per the previous mini-meta=
)

	-hime means 'princess'. Unless this is intentional, I would drop it.

	As a rule, you should avoid any honorific you aren't very familiar=20
with (a great place to study that would be, um, other fanfics. ;)

	"Two your unarmed stance is a joke," this caused Yosho to frown
slightly.=20

	Two your -- Two, your

	"And finally your sensai already sent five other students like=20
yourself here for training." the quiet of the forest was again disturbe=

d as=20

Yosho flawlessly planted his face in the soft earth.

	finally your -- finally, your

	Yosho raised an eyebrow for a moment, "A ryujin."

	Half-dragon, eh?

	Yosho VO: That was how we first meet I continued on my way wary of
his warning I didn't encounter him or the native inhabitants until two =

weeks

later...

	Again, try working the script format bit into the prose, and then=20
possibly use a standard scene separator for this bit.

	The woman looked at the sheet in a neutral expression before glancing
back toward Draco.  "Oh come now do you expect me to be that stupid no-=

-" the

woman turned, walked toward Draco, and taking his chin in her hands she=

 looked

deep into his eye's.  "But for you handsome you can all me the Amazon."=

with that said the woman quickly planted a kiss on Draco's lips.
=20
	The Draconians eye's bulged at the suddenness of the contact but=20
before he could respond in kind Amazon broke the kiss laughing as she a=

gain

faced the sheet once more and pulled it off.

	Well, this new guy shows up, schools the guys who are giving Yosho a=20
smackdown, and then gets the girl... remember that your readers are=20
going to be familiar with Yosho, not so with your new characters.=20
You run a great risk of him becoming an ANC as the presentation at=20
present stands.

	At the same moment, you seem to be setting him up to be a villain,=20
not an ANC, and THAT could work very well indeed. :)

	I'm actually a bit curious to see how this all turns out.

-To Be Continued
=20
Sorry about that But you got to leave cliff hangers once and awhile.  F=

or the

rest of this tale please email me at farzad234@yahoo.com.  Thank you an=

d

good night.

	Hope that my C&C can be of some help to you. ^_^v

--=20
Brian Randall
--
I write fanfiction. Too much of it. You can read it here, thanks to=20
a kind grant from the Larry F foundation:
http://www.rakhal.com/florestica/durandall/index.html
--
Together. Allegiance or death. BIGFIRE!
--
Haiku of my lament:

Forgive my spelling,
my U.S. education,
is the source of blame.


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