On Thu, 30 May 2002 23:44:27 -0400 "L.S McGill" <lsmcgill@hotmail.com> wrote:
This is a monster, I know. Submitted for C&C, comments, ripping apart {ect : , etc.},
is the full text of the revised Ranma 1/2: The Mandarin, and the still in
progress second part, The Dragons Child.
Chapter 4:
It was a rundown little place on a main highway running
from this {realities : reality's} Tampa to Miami, and it had definitely seen
better days. It belonged to some chain she had never heard of
called Denny's and it's main advantage was that, while near
empty, it was the one place where someone who could help, even
in so minor a way as giving directions, was.
A look of near panic crossed the {mans : man's} face and he whirled
into a {Martial Arts : martial arts} pose, eyes scanning. "Where?!"
"Oh, my!" The girl put one hand to her lips. "I'm afraid I'm not Nabiki. {
:} I'm her sister Kasumi. Do come in and I'll get her."
"It sounds like a case of a lot of straws on one {camels : camel's} back!" Kasumi said.
"No problem. That guy's got the {worlds : world's} worst sense of
direction. Right now he's probably asking 'Which way to
Tokyo?'."
Tao-Ching shrugged, then wrote "Family trait." He started
padding forward, then stopped when Nabiki tapped him on the
shoulder and pointed the other way. He moved off towards
Furinkan, letting the girls get used to his {gate : gait} before he
started purring...
"Ok. I'll admit you've got my attention, and I'm more than
interested, but a {girls : girl's} gotta have standards. A few flowers!
A nice dinner! A movie!"
Mara leaped into the air to hover just before Urd. "You
don't recall?" Liquid nitrogen dripped from her whisper. "How
you tried to feed me to Fenrir, 'Mistress'? Believe me, O
'Lord of Terror', I most certainly do. The humiliation, the
degradation, the casual order to feed all my energy to Fenrir,
your order to die!" The split {v : V} on her forehead glowed red.
"You may not remember, Urd dear, but I will most certainly make
you pay."
Urd was white, {to : too} stunned to even move. Mara was scaring
her speechless...
Terror filled eye's meet her worried ones. "No. Bell, you
didn't {her : hear} what she said. You didn't see her eyes... S-she
meant it!" Urd sobbed. "She meant it..."
"It is the name of Ranma Saotomes current {Fiancee : fiancee}."
"Yes. Because you're probably the best friend either of us have ever had. {
:} Ranma thinks the world of you, and I'm coming to." She
climbed into the tub next to Zhu Shu. "And you probably saved
my life today. Look all you want, Zhu-chan. It's a small
enough reward. And I know you'd never go father than I'd want
you {too.. : to.}"
Zhu Shu nodded. "Thought shame let fine hair go waste."
She brushed out the black hair and then selected a thick lock
of both the red and the black hair. She laid them out along
with the selected charms and set down next to Akane on the bed.
"Girl learn from use braid to commemorate happy event. Today
is happy day for Akane and Ranma. Want to make Akane braid to
commemorate." She blinked {at questioningly : questioningly at} Akane.
"It... It is a burglar! With a pack for stolen {good : goods}!" Kasumi whispered.
"He no in Dojo. Hope Panda {man : Man} not see. Last time try to
cook" Zhu Shu said as she came in, looking in the garden as she
walked up to Kasumi.
"Because Zhu Shu see fall in pool after Ranma knock off
cliff at Jusenkyo." Zhu Shu looked at Ranma with her arms
crossed. "And then have to save from Panda {man : Man} and Guide when
try to cook!" She turned back to the pig "And Zhu Shu get
dress ripped off as thank you." The pig looked embarrassed.
Zhu Shu turned back to Ranma. "Ranma owe apology!"
Chapter 5:
Across the city, in another temple, a goddess looked out at
a lonely Shampoo practicing her katas, a sad smile on her face
for how long it was taking her older sister to grant the poor
{girls : girl's} wish. Said sister was currently groaning with a hangover
after a night of finding out that Cologne could apparently
drink an infinite amount of saki.
But she had to smile at the irony. Betrothing Shampoo to
the son of the old {letches : letch's} student and allying the Tendos and
the Saotomes to the Amazons for the service of ridding them of
Happosai on a more or less permanent basis was a rather fitting
vengeance for having been left to explain to her mother that
her groom had departed with the family heirlooms and the Amazon
treasures, but without her...
He jumped up onto a fence next to a vacant lot he used as a
short cut to the Ginza, preparing to make {him : his} way home in hopes
Akane was out of the tub and that he would be able to finish
his bath, but stopped at the weird scene before him.
"This!" A diagram was slapped in front of them showing two
female combatants attacking each other with gymnastic
equipment. "The {schools : schools'} champions fight with the techniques of
Rhythmic Gymnastics!"
"Youch!" Ranma howled "That's it, Pig! Bacon time!" He
{dived : dove} for the piglet who bounced away...
Kodachi laughed at her {brothers : brother's} pitiful attempt to help
her. "She needn't worry about that! She'll be losing in any
case!" She wouldn't fail this time. She wouldn't!!!! She
turned to her poor trapped god. How happy she would make him!
"Ranma! When this match is over..." she bit a rose stem as she
blushed at the wonderful things they would do together. "You
shall be mine!" The shock on his face at the realization that
freedom was so close made her heart nearly {burst . : burst.} She closed
her eyes and released the rose petal blizzard. "Farewell."
Her joy at having outsmarted that fiendish Akane lent wings to
her feet...
{Days : Day's} end finally arrived and Zhu Shu decided to give Ranma
and Akane some time alone. She meandered over the rooftops in
no particular hurry as she approached the Dojo, but mid-way
there, her danger senses tingled and she barely had time to
draw her swords and block a lightning swift attack from a gray
blur.
"I am... restricted in direct action. But a mortal may do
that which the Kami will prevent an Oni from accomplishing.
Direct action on my part towards this mortal can be thwarted by
the goddess who watches over this {ones : one's} companions, but she
cannot block what one mortal may do to another."
You are using Oni and Demon interchangeably. Since you have Lum in this story, it might be simpler to reserve Oni for her people.
"Exactly my point." She sighed and folded her hands in her
lap. "Akane, you never had the chance to learn any of this
from our mother. She had a talk with me about all this when I
was much younger than you. Mother was a very practical woman,
she had to be to balance out {daddy : Daddy}, and she raised me to be
practical too. I try my best to be like her, and even though
{mom : Mom} might not have handled these things exactly like I am,
well, I've had to learn to be more pragmatic about things.
Raising you and Nabiki and taking care of {daddy : Daddy} demands it.
But I enjoy it too; it makes me happy to have everything
running smoothly because I feel like I've accomplished
something important."
Chapter 6:
Ranma looked at Akane's face, the gentle smile she had, and
thought about what had passed in the last half hour. She had
fought this curse tooth and nail, but really, what could she
truly say was {didfferent : different} about her? She was still Ranma, in
either form. Zhu Shu had told her that there were times to
accept what couldn't be changed, to save your strength for
fights that can be won. If he was truly to believe Akane, this
was a fight he might be better off not fighting at all.
Chapter 7:
Shampoo stepped over to the distraught girl and knelt to
lift her face to hers. "Zhu Shu. Blood-Sister. I told you
once that I would be overjoyed to have you as a sister-wife.
Knowing that what you have done was on my behalf, as well as
Ranma's, I cannot be angry. I know not what you feel you have
done to betray me, but I can see you love Ranma... I do not
view that as a betrayal, Zhu Shu. If anything, I view that as
proof of his qualities as a Husband." Heedless of her formal
garb, Shampoo {lifter : lifted} her hem and wiped away tears. "Besides, I
need you more than ever. I need your advice on how to deal
with this barbarian girl who is to be his other wife." She
rolled her eyes to get Zhu Shu to laugh, but her attempt at
humor failed. Zhu Shu choked and ran from the garden in
tears...
"There is nothing more to discuss." Nodoka said finally.
"You will attended our {sons : son's} betrothal, and our daughter-in-{laws : law's}
betrothal, and you will smile, and make pleasant noises and you
will show everyone how happy it all makes you, because you are
his father, and that is what fathers do. Show me that
somewhere in there is still the man I once loved..."
Ranma gulped. "Um-gee... Thanks {mom : Mom}."
"I, too, was happy at my {cousins : cousin's} good fortune. Warriors of
Ranma's caliber are rare. Shampoo could not have been beaten
by a lesser man."