Sorry about my late responce... ^_^'

Nodoka nodded. "Very serious. You are eighteen years old. You are

legally a

man, and soon you will be a father. It is time for you to make your own
decisions."

'start making your own decisions.' seems to fit better.

I agree. I'm useing it ^_^

Ranma smirked. His mom must have hit her head or something. Oh well, he

has

no complaints.

Oh well, he wasn't going to complain.

or

Oh well, he had no complaints.

has no... sounds kinda present-tense to me.

Fine... Had....

In seconds Nodoka's cheerful tone returned and she continued. "Now we

just

have to break it to your father."

For some reason I see her as being cheerful throughout this whole

exchange...

I see her as bbeing nice, but haveing a "Don't fuck this up" undertone.

"I guess we will have to tell him before he leaves," replied Nodoka.

"Then I guess...

or

I guess we'll have...

As it is, it sounds kind of abrupt.  Then I guess... lessens the problems,

so

does 'we'll' by making her speech slightly less formal.  Either one would

work

equally well.

I see.

"Then I guess" works better because Nodoka is very formal.

Ranma face twisted into a grimace, he had been hoping that he could be
happily married and away from the Tendo Dojo before he had to tell his

Old

Man. "Mom, you have got to be shitting me."

Ranma's face twisted into a grimace.  He had been hoping he could be

married

and...

married, not happily married.  It's too early to tell, for that.

A guy can hope... ^_^

old man.  lower case.

It's Old Man. He uses 'Old Man' to refer to Genma the same way most pople
use the word "Dad"

Ranma's faced twisted into an absolutely diseased expression. There are

some

things children wish to be left in the dark about. In a weary, sickened
voice he replied, "Ok... I'll see you later mom."

absolutely disgusted expression.  diseased doesn't really sound quite

right...

could go either way, though, i guess.

I like 'absolutely diseased' It just potrays the right level of 'sickned'
I'm going for...

The last time I use that word in a facial context was when one one of my
Online RPG chars had to eat brains...

There are some things children didn't like to hear from their

arents.  --as

it is, it could be taken to mean that Ranma is a child.  With the change

to

'from their parents', however, the 'children' comes to mean the people

born of

those parents, without really having as much of a meaning with regards to

the

age involved.  So that would probably be the better way to state it.

I see your point... changed it, somewhat.

Nodoka blinked. "Where do you think you going? You're the one who is

going

to tell him. Now lets go inside."

Eh... Sudden collapse of the brain, here.  I'm still pretty sure that it
should be "let's", not 'lets'.  It's a contraction for 'let us', not

something

a word meaning 'to allow'.  "This bonus lets me put a down payment on a

new

car!"  Nice bonus, but you see what I mean.  ^_^;

It's let's. I screwed up.

Ranma sighed and pulled out a cigarette, which was promptly smacked out

of

his hand. With a sigh of acceptance, he followed his mother into the

house.

Why couldn't anything ever be easy?

I don't know if Ranma would try smoking around Nodoka, especially when it

was

time to go inside the house.  That seems rather far-fetched.

The stress is getting to him...

"Yes Setsuna, I almost had a heart attack," replied Michiru as she

attempted

to catch her breath, and steady her footing. She has almost fallen over.

Yes, Setsuna, I almost had a heart attack," added Michiru...

Michiru isn't talking to Haruka, here, she's talking to Setsuna.  This

means

that she shouldn't be making a reply right after Haruka speaks, because it
gives the impression that her words are a response to what Haruka said,
instead of what Setsuna did.  So, instead, she would be adding to what

Haruka

said, that the joke wasn't funny, with a statement about how the joke was

so

unfunny that it almost gave her a heart attack.

Point. Changed it.

Setsuna shook her head. "Let me put this in another way. Hotaru has a

bun in

the oven. She is in a family way. What I'm trying to say is, Hotaru is
pregnant!"

in another way:  Hotaru has...

The last sentance simply doesn't work.  Setsuna has already said that

Hotaru

is pregnant, at the end of the previous chapter.  When you say, 'What I'm
trying to say is,' it is usually because you are rephrasing earlier

statements

for clarity.  Since she has already said that Hotaru is pregnant, however,

she

can't clarify with an exact repitition any more than the earlier statement

had

already provided for.

So, while I do think you should have something there, it shouldn't be that
sentance.  Instead, change it to something else with the same meaning.

Just r

ephrase it somehow.

Ok, I fixed it.

Michiru was the first to speak. Her voice was monotonous, like all the

life

had been sucked out of her. She slowly sat down. She was struggling to

keep

from fainting. "Oh my god. It makes sense! It makes perfect sense! The
reason why she had been sick in the morning, the reason why her appetite

has

been picking up." Her tone changed into a wail of distress as she

continued.

"Oh Hotaru-chan, why didn't you tell us?!"

Well, there IS a chair.  If you have her sitting down earlier, simply

remove

this reference.

They're in the Living room. I added a reffrence to it.

 > > Setsuna shook her head. "After what you did, how can she any time
soon."

soon?"

I do have to say that this part of the exchange is awkward and rather

lame.

It doesn't feel natural at all.  I can't think of anything at the moment

that

you could replace it with, however.

How about this: "Not anytime soon."

It's more natural.

Setsuna sighed and shook her head "I had absolutely no idea."

Michiru scowled. "Do you really expect us to believe that?"

Setsuna scoffed. "Do you think I'm omniscient? I am human just like you.
Although this is strange."

Sighed, scowled, scoffed... gah!  Having labels like these too many times

in a

row is distracting and looks somewhat silly.  You should get rid of one or
two.

I'm not good at discriptive! So sue me }p

"The Time Gates are fickle," she said, as she took another sip of her
drink. After a moment, she grumbled, "I hope the father is not who I

think

it is," thinking out loud.

before taking another sip

or

after taking another sip.

she's not taking a sip and talking at the same time. ^_^;

Before taking a sip would work best, because then you have the 'after a
moment' to account for the time spent taking the sip before she talks

again.

Sounds good...

I'm not sure if the 'thinking out loud' bit works.  You might want to drop
that.

*shrug*

Haruka laughed. "Don't worry Michiru! I'm not going to kill him, I'm

just

going to convince him of the error of his ways!"

worry, Michiru!

Where is the guilt?  She should still be upset about Hotaru, not instantly
returning to a desire to beat up the father, which would just make things
worse between her and Hotaru.  Haruka shouldn't go from a fear of ever

being

trusted by her 'daughter' again, to wanting to beat up the boy said

daughter

is obviously attatched to enough to defend against her parents, let alone

have

sex and a baby with.

She has confliction emotions. Part of her is worried about hotaru, and is
argry ar herself because of the things she said. The other wants to find the
boy who defiled her child and kick the motherloveing crap out of him.

Damn the boy. How could that young fool trick the Master into dragging

him

on yet another foolish training trip. The boy never understood that
everything done was for him, for the Art. The Art was life, it went

beyond

honor and morality. It was the Art.

The boy just couldn't understand the everything Genma had done was for

him,

for the Art.

I like, will use.

Why couldn't he realize that? The Tendo/Saotome union was for the good

of

the Art. If only Ranma could abandon his misplaced sense of honor, he

would

realize the truth. Moreover, the sooner he realized the truth, the

sooner

Genma could return home to his sexy wife.

A LOT of repetition on 'the Art' going on here, more than I think is
necessary.  It's more annoying than effective.

He's kinda focued on it...

You also need to explain Genma's perception of what is misplaced about

Ranma's

sense of honor.  It seems to be a reference to not wanting to marry Akane
because of the other girls, but you should actually say it, say why Genma
thinks this is the case.

What misplaced about his sense of honor? Well, Ranma HAS one. Genma only
cares about Himself and the Art, in that order.

Genma smirked as he opened the door, and was surprised. He did not

expect to

see his wife, the boy, and the boy's rival waiting for him. He had a bad
feeling about this.

Why was he smirking when he opened the door and saw them?  Better to have,
"Genma opened the door, then stopped in surprise." or something of the

sort.

That works....

"I'm getting married..."

Genma smiled. Yes! The boy realized! Tendo would be thrilled, the

schools

would be joined!

"...but it ain't Akane."

The boy had finally realized!

ain't to Akane.

Genma's eyes opened in shock, and he quickly looked over at the Hibiki

boy.

No, surely not!

^_^;

ROTFLMAO

You know, if I could think of a way to incorpirate that gag without scraping
too much I would use it!

"Husband, a more pressing 'engagement' has come to light, and I am

afraid

that I agree with Ranma. It take precedence over the Tendo betrothal,"
interrupted Nodoka.

I think the original wording was better.  'come to life' is an interesting
reference to the upcoming birth of Ranma's child.

I'll change it back then. It is a good pun...

BTW, for this to be an interruption, it should be mentioned at the

beginning

of the paragraph:

"Husband," Nodoka interrupted, "a more pressing...

takes precendence.

Ah.... I see.

 > high on the hog... what?  I've never heard that expression before...
also,

this reference to Ranma's tournament winnings doesn't work.  ranma is 18

now,

and as far as we know from the manga, he's never been entered in

tournaments

for money, nor is it mentioned in the story to have happened any time in

the

two years since the end of the manga, either.

'High on the hog' means 'the high life'

Ranma's been in tournaments in the last years... I'm going to pull some
cameos out of it...

Damn. He could always support the chef. At least she would add something

to

the school, even if it was from that pathetic Okonomiyaki School of

hers.

This weak woman he impregnated would ruin all of his work! She would not
understand the art; the little slut would probably turn his boy into a
salaryman! Oh well, best to keep up appearances, hopefully he could

salvage

it. "I can not allow this, for the sake of the schools..."

umm... dunno if ukyou would go for it, but kodachi probably would.

But he is smart enough to know that Ranma would rather jump on his mother's
sword then marry Kodachi.

Genma smirked. "I feel that it is time for you to be out on your own. If

you

are going to raise a family you will do it on your own."

on your own... repetitive.  maybe it'd be better to manipulate nodoka a

little

bit, have him say, 'family, you should do it as a man would, without our
help."  ?

It is meant to be repeditive. He's not sucking up to Nodoka, he kicking
Ranma out og the house.

Ranma turned to Nodoka. "Mom?"

She was obviously unhappy with the decision, but shook her head. "While

I do

not agree with this choice, I am his wife and must support his decision.

I'm

sorry, Ranma."

Um... as somebody else said, this really doesn't work.  She's forcing

Genma

into accepting that Ranma isn't going to marry Akane, yet she's 'his wife

and

must support his decision'.  Well, she obviously isn't supporting his

decision

with respect to the engagements and his marrying of Hotaru, so...

It might be better to redo this slightly so that instead of Nodoka being
reluctant, she goes along with it out of a desire for Ranma to be manly,

to

face the consequences that go along with his own decisions.

She is a Japanese wife. While she does NOT trust Genma in faimly honor
matters, she is still his wife and he is still head of household.

"Bye, Auntie Saotome."

...what?  Why is he calling her Auntie Saotome?  Did she ask him to, and I
just forgot?

Good time to catch up on previous chapters, ; )

Ryouga was furious. He had not expected this kind of day. What he had

hoped

for was maybe a solid brawl with Saotome followed by possibly a warm

home

cooked meal and maybe a warm bed.

a warm bed?  who was he expecting to share with?  O_o;

was a solid brawl with Saotome, followed by, maybe, a warm, home-cooked

meal,

and, if even luckier, a night spent in his own bed.  --better?

I changed it to a real bed.

Ryouga glared at Ranma. He thought that was pity. It was more then that,
Ryouga has honestly sorry for him, but through understanding. "I'm just
trying to be nice, Saotome! I know what it's like to be without a home.

I

haven't been home in over a year."

more than that, Ryouga was honestly sorry for him, understanding the

position

the pig-tailed boy was in through his own experiences.  --better?

MUCH! Will use

Apparently, the kami did not much like Ryouga comment, and it began to

rain.

Ryouga mentally screamed as he once again lost his humanity to his

thrice

damned curse. He really needed to learn to curb his Hubris.

thrice-damned curse.

hurbris?  upper or lower-case?  not sure...  don't know what the word

means,

actually.  ^_^;

hubris \HYOO-bruhs\, noun:
Overbearing pride or presumption.

"Hotaru?" She cracked her eyes, as the gentle voice and a shake on her
shoulder brought her into the waking world. Barely aware of her

surroundings

she turned over, facing away from the voice.

Um.  Better to have:

"Hotaru?"

Hotaru cracked her eyes open as the... --seperate the dialogue from

hotaru's

actions, and identify Hotaru more clearly as the person waking up, and

that

somebody is talking to her to cause her to do so.

That sounds good

Hotaru narrowed her eyes, "Why do you want to know?" She knew damn well

that

once Haruka heard his name she would be out for blood, and she knew how

easy

he was to find.

Again... this whole Haruka going after Ranma thing does NOT make

sense--she's

fucked up enough already.  She would WANT to, yes, but she wouldn't talk

about

it, especially around Hotaru, and she would NOT want anybody to pick up on

it.

It would frustrate her, but she'd prefer that to having Hotaru's

rejection.

Since this is Hotaru's POV it's okay to leave it, here... but you should

be

careful with the way that Haruka acts, and what she says, and what she

thinks

on the occasions when you show her POV.

As I said before, Haruka is in a state of emotional termoil...

Setsuna laughed. "I knew it, I just knew it! You slept with a

'Butterfly'!"

I thought this was amusing.  ^_^;

Hehe -_^

...'With all his collected possessions and his college classes.'  --this

isn't

a sentance.  what are you trying to say?

Again, the whole 'where to sleep' thing is really wierd.  why can't he

just

camp out?  he's done it before...

'With all his collected possessions and his college classes camping was not
an option.

Ranma looked around the room that had been his. This room contained

memories

for him. While few of them were especially good all of them were his.

After

a moment of reminiscing, he grabbed his pack.

his.  There were a lot of memories here.  While few of them were

especially

good, they were enough to make this place feel like home.  --better?

Much.. I'm useing this! ^_^

He jumped onto his feet and walked over to his father's pack, which was
resting against the wall. He knew very well the Genma would need it
tomorrow, but he certainly brought this onto himself.

well that Genma would need it for his training trip the next day, but the

old

man had certainly brought this upon himself.  --better?

I like mine better ^_^

Ranma opened the pack and sorted through Genma's personal belongings. He
figured that his father had done this to him countless times, so why

couldn'

t he return the favor.

Done what?

sorted through Ranma things. : \

couldn't he return the favor?

A sarcastic way of saying he was going to do the same things Ganma has done
to him countless times : \

There was a thousand things running through her mind, all possibilities
related to her 'condition', but she didn't care. Sleep first, think

later.

through her head, all... --used 'mind' at the end of the previous

paragraph.

Ok.

She snuggled into her blanket. It was so warm, so comfortable. The heavy
rain on the windowsill comforted her, it was nature's lullaby helping to
sooth her to sleep. She smiled happily as she closed her eyes and

allowed

herself to slip into a deep, dreamless rest.

windowsill was monotonous, steady; it was nature's lullaby helping to

soothe

her to sleep.

I'm useing this! ^_^

closed her eyes and relaxed, prepared to slip into a deep, deep, dreamless
rest.  --having her sleep and then wake up doesn't work as well as having

her

unable to get to sleep, i think.

good point... and sleep is overused

Rap. Rap. Rap.

She turned over. What was that? Oh, forget about it, she just wanted to
sleep. No need to worry about stupid noises. Once again, she allowed

herself

to fall into a deep....

Hotaru frowned, eyes still closed, and tried to cover her ears with her
comforter and pillow.  There, that would fix the problem.  She let her

mind

slip back to her tummy and smiled softly.  Would it be a boy, or a girl?

I'm SO useing this,. The paragraph I had was just filler until I found
something better.

Rap. Rap. Rap.

"Argh!" growled Hotaru as she jumped from her bed. What the hell was

making

that noise. She was tired, she was stressed out, she wanted to sleep,

and

that god damn noise was keeping her awake!

noise?

the Rapping sound... �.�

goddamn noise...

Hotaru gazed around the room. What ever was making that noise was close.

Whatever.

Um. Did Hotaru give Ranma her address?  I must have fogotten it...

I left a long span of the time they were alone togeather free (after they di
it) so yeah... it was pillow talk.

Ranma sighed, "I told my parents about what happened, you know between

us,

and my idiot old man kicked me out of the house. I really don't want to
impose or nothin', but anyway I could crash here for a while?"

you know, between us, and...

but anyway, could I...

Woopsy...

Expect Chapter 5 in the next couple of days.

Bah!  You're going too fast!  I was almost done with commenting on the

first

draft when you sent this thing, and now I have another chapter to do!  You
suck!  >_<

You you perfer that I take 6 months to get a chapter out?

Thanks for you time and effort

- PsyckoSama


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