Hey,

This is the sort of thing that happens when your a diehard fanboy of two =
shows. Enjoy!




Love Hina
I=92ve Got A Theory About Turtles


(We open with a shot of a stage obscured by a large red curtain. From =
behind the curtain steps Mutsumi holding a large cue card under one =
arm.)

Mutsumi: My my, so many people. Well, on behalf of the management, also =
known as the author, I=92d like to welcome you all to tonight=92s =
performance. The residents of the Hinata are all very excited to be =
performing their version of the song =93I=92ve Got a Theory=94 from the =
musical episode of the show Buffy the Vampire Slayer. The actual episode =
was called =93Once More With Feeling=94, but fans of the show usually =
just call it Buffy: The Musical.
	Before the show starts I=92d like to show you which member of the =
Hinata household will be stepping in for which Buffy character. Please =
observe.

(Mitsumi turns the card under her arm to face the audience)
=20

Our Casts

      Buffy Cast                                                         =
                                         Hinata Cast
Buffy =
Summers------------------------------------------------------------------=
-----------Kaolla Su
Rupert =
Giles--------------------------------------------------------------------=
---Keitaro Urashima
Willow =
Rosenberg---------------------------------------------------------------N=
aru Narusegawa=20
Xander =
Harris-------------------------------------------------------------------=
---Sarah MacDogal
Anya---------------------------------------------------------------------=
------------Motoko Aoyama
Tara =
Maclay-------------------------------------------------------------------=
-Shinobu Maehara &=20
      								      Mitsune =93Kitsune=94 Konno=20


(Mutsumi is now sweating slightly)

Mutsumi: Now, without further, adieu, The Hinata House Players proudly =
present =93I=92ve Got a Theory About Turtles=94.
	My my, these stage lights are hot. I think I feel a bit=85

(Mitsumi trails off and swoons. She then faints and tumbles into the =
orchestra pit with a crash.)

(From backstage)
Haruka: Medic! Medic to the orchestra pit! She=92s done it again!

(With that the curtain pulls back to reveal the kitchen of the Hinata. =
Keitaro, Naru, Motoko, Shinobu, Su, Kitsune, and Sarah are all gathered =
near the sink. Shinobu seems greatly agitated.)

Keitaro: All right, Shinobu-chan, you said you needed everyone=92s help =
with something so here we all are. What=92s the problem?

Shinobu: Oh, sempai, everyone, I=92m sorry to bother you like this. But =
there=92s something wrong with the drain. I came in here to start dinner =
and found out that it was stopped up. Plus, it has been making the =
strangest sounds. I was hoping one of you might know how to fix it.

(Just then a bizarre noise echoes up from the pipe. Everyone jumps a =
bit.)

Kitsune: Whoa, that=92s a freaky noise. Sounds like the mating call of =
some whales I saw on TV once.

Motoko: That did not sound like the call of a whale to me. Mayhaps it is =
some dread beast from the dark realms that has taken refuge in the =
Hinata=92s plumbing system.

Su: I betcha it=92s the Blob! It gonna come up outta that pipe and try =
and eat us all. Just like in that old movie!

Sarah: (nervous): Beasts?! The Blob?!

Naru: Motoko, Su, stop that. You=92re scaring Sarah-chan.=20
	Whenever something got stuck in the drain at my old house the plumbing =
would make all kinds of noises. Anyway, before we try and clear the =
drain it might not be a bad idea to drain and figure out what=92s =
clogging it. That might help us figure out how best to solve this =
problem.

Keitaro: That=92s a good idea. We have to figure out what is clogging =
the drain. At the very least we need a theory.

(Everyone puts a hand to their chin a starts to think. For several =
moments they are silent and motionless.)

(Suddenly the music starts.) =20

Keitaro=20
I've got a theory
That it's a hairball
A disgusting hairball!
No, something isn't right there.

Naru
I've got a theory
It=92s hardened batter
The yummy batter, for the cake Shinobu made last night

Sarah
I've got a theory
You dorks will never work this out

Motoko, Keitaro, Naru, and Sarah
It's getting eerie
What are these scary sounds all about?

Sarah
It could be mutants!
Strange X-Men mutants!

(The others stare at Sarah. Sarah sweatdrops.)

Sarah
Which is ridiculous 'cause mutants don=92t exist in the real world and I =
haven=92t been reading to many comics or watching too much TV and I know =
the difference between what=92s real and what=92s not and I'll be over =
here.

(Sarah skitters a few feet away)

Motoko
I=92ve got a theory
It could be turtles!

Shinobu
I've got a - -

(Silence. Crickets chirping.)

Motoko
Turtles aren't just cute like everybody supposes
They got them stubby legs and slimy little noses
And what's with all the flying?
Where do they need to fly to anyway?
Turtles, turtles
It must be turtles

(Pyrotechnics erupt.)

(The others stare at Motoko. She Sweatdrops.)

Motoko
=85Or maybe demons?

Naru
I've got a theory we should solve this fast - -

Naru & Keitaro
Because it=92s getting and late tomorrow we have cram school class.

Kitsune
I've got a theory - -

Su
It doesn't matter...
What can't we unclog if we work together?
What's in this drain that needs a plumber?
Rubber cement?
Whatever could be down there?
We have no more time to lament
Let=92s hurry and get it out of there!

Su, Motoko, Keitaro, Kitsune, Shinobu, Naru, and Sarah
What=92ll we do if we can=92t get it cleared?
We'll try and unclog it in a minute
We have to try
Success will be so nice
It's do or die!

Su
Hey, I=92m hungry! Where=92s the rice?

Su, Motoko, Kitsune, Shinobu, Naru, and Sarah
What can't we unclog if we're together?

Keitaro
What can't we face?

Su, Motoko, Kitsune, Shinobu, Naru, and Sarah
What's in this place we can't unclog?

Keitaro
If we work together...

Su, Motoko, Kitsune, Shinobu, Naru, and Sarah
There's nothing we can't face

Motoko
...Except for turtles.

(The music ends and the players all return to where they=92d been =
standing before the singing started.)

Kitsune: Well, that was kind of fun but what=92re we gonna do about the =
drain? With it stuffed up Shinobu can=92t make dinner and I=92m getting =
hungry.

Motoko: Enough of this pointless debate. I shall use my sword to rend =
this blockage asunder.=20

Shinobu (Panicky): You=92re going to unplug the drain with your sword?!

Motoko: Yes, using a technique for unclogging drains that has been =
passed down in my family for generations. Do not worry, the sink will be =
undamaged. Now stand back!

 (Everyone quickly scrambles out of the way. Motoko then draws her =
bokken, takes a deep breath, and glares at the sink.)

Motoko: Evil Clog Be Gone!

(A wave of force flies from Motoko=92s sword to the sink. There=92s no =
damage but a loud POP is heard. Everyone quickly gathers around the =
sink.)

Naru: What happened?

Su: Lemme see! Lemme see!

Sarah: Yeah, move your big Japanese butts so I can see!

(Naru, Kitsune, and Motoko turn and glare at Sarah. She sweatdrops and =
backs off.)

Shinobu: I think I see something=85moving in the drain.

(Just then Tama the Turtle rockets out of the drain and into the air. =
The flying hotsprings turtle lets out a mew and then starts to circle =
the kitchen.)

Keitaro: Tama-chan?!

Motoko: It was that demon turtle! I should have known!

Kitsune: But how did Tama get that deep into the plumbing?=20

Naru: The only explanation I can think off would be someone flushing her =
down the toilet. But who would=85

(Everyone turns to look at Motoko. She sweatdrops.)

Motoko: Uh, er, yes, that explanation makes sense. Umm, Sarah-chan, that =
was a very cruel thing to do to an animal. Even if it was a turtle. You =
shall have to be punished.

Sarah: ME?! But I don=92t flush the stupid turtle!

(Motoko grabs Sarah and begins to haul her towards the living room and =
offstage.)

Motoko: Cruelty to animals and lying are signs of poor character. A =
vigorous spanking should set you back on the correct path.

Sarah: You=92re trying to pin what you did on me, you psycho kendo girl! =
Lemme go!

Motoko: Insulting one=92s seniors too. I shall have to see to it that =
you are not able to sit for a week.

Sarah: Waaaaah! One of you idiots help me!

(Just then the sounds of a painful spanking begin.)

Sarah: Ow! Ow! Ow! Stop it! Ow! Ow!

Naru: You know, I think Sarah might actually be innocent for a change.

Keitaro: Yep.

Naru: Maybe we should be something.

Keitaro: Yeah, maybe.

(No one moves and the sound of Motoko dealing out punishment continues.)

Kitsune: Uh, everyone who wants to go for some tea at Haruka=92s raise =
your hand.

(The others all raise their hands. With a quick nod everyone then files =
off stage right. The sound of Sarah=92s spanking continues.)

Sarah: Ow! This is assault! I=92ll sue! Get me a lawyer! PAPA!!!

(The curtain swings closed. It opens moments later with the cast all =
holding hands. They give a quick bow and smile at the audience.
	Then from stage right three people emerge. The first is Mutsumi. =
She=92s on a gurney but is sitting up a bit. There=92s now a bandage =
around her forehead. The gurney is being pushed by Seta. To the side =
Haruka is holding up an IV bag whose tube is flowing into Mutsumi=92s =
arm.
	Suddenly Tama flies in from above and lands on Mutsumi=92s chest. She =
gives it a happy nuzzle before turning to face the audience.)

Mutsumi: This concludes our production. We certainly hope you enjoyed =
it. On behalf of all the Hinata House Players I=92d like to wish you =
good night and a safe drive home.

(On those words everyone turns to look at Seta.)

Seta: What? Why are you all staring at me all of a sudden?

(The curtain swings closed)

The End



Authors=92 notes: Wow, this is my first one-day fic. I think it come out =
pretty good considering I only come up with the idea a few hours ago. =
And a good part of that time was spent on a TV break and trying to find =
a copy of the song=92s lyrics that said who was singing what.
	I got the idea for this while trying to figure out when the musical =
episode of Buffy would air again so that I could tape it. I got to =
thinking that Anya feels the same way about rabbits as Motoko does =
turtles. This fic was born.
	Here=92s a funny bit of trivia for you. I did the song first and then =
wrote the story parts. It was only then that I realized that while I=92d =
planned for Shinobu to be in the story I=92d forgotten to give her a =
part to sing. So she and Kitsune had to share Tara=92s lines.
	I know the Motoko wouldn=92t frame someone for something she did =
(though in the anime we do see her lie about being engaged). Nor would =
the others, especially Su, leave Sarah twisting in the wind like that. =
But this story is a parody so just go with it, okay? ;)
	I used the term Hinata House since that=92s what=92s used in the =
English version of the manga. Also, Motoko going =93Evil clog be =
gone!=94 is a riff on who Sailor Mars from Sailor Moon sometimes says =
=93Evil Spirit be gone!=94=20
	Anyway, I=92ve got more Love Hina ideas so stay tuned.     =20




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